Posts by Ashley:
Never Stop Teaching
August 11th, 2011An article from WBEZ today states that teachers are feeling ‘beat down’ as the school year starts.
As students prepare to begin another school year, their teachers are hopping mad. They’re facing layoffs and deep budget cuts and many say they’re tired of being blamed unfairly for just about everything that’s wrong in public education. They’re so mad that many are bypassing their unions and mounting a campaign of their own to restore the public’s faith in their profession.
Betsy Leis, a middle school teacher in Florida, is one of these angry teachers.
“I give my heart and my soul to every single student in my classroom and all I see on the news is that we aren’t doing our job. We’re constantly beat down. That’s why I’m angry,” Leis says. “I don’t make any money and part of me is OK with that because I don’t do it for the money.”
And it’s not enough that people don’t appreciate teachers, they’ve become punching bags, says Claudia Rueda-Alvarez, a high school counselor in Chicago.
Yea, that sounds about right.
I was in my classroom all yesterday setting stuff up, getting ready for the first day of school (which is Monday – AHHHH!), and I found myself wondering if I was doing enough. I found myself faced with more criticism last year than ever before – from the media, students, parents, other teachers, and worst of all myself – and I wanted this year to be different. I wanted to “do it right” this year, as if last year I did it wrong.
And then it hit me. The only thing I did wrong last year was stop believing in myself and what I was doing.
The most criticism I received last year was from myself. Granted, that fire was probably fueled by what I heard constantly from the media, friends, family, etc. about teachers being paid too much and not working hard enough and having these ridiculous pensions and summers off. And I heard from so many others that I should be doing something better than teaching. So I started to think to myself: Well, if that’s how they feel about me, why should I do this anymore?
I lost the passion. I lost the enjoyment. I lost myself. Because I am a teacher. As much as I hate defining myself as my job, teaching is so much more than a job. I teach in a classroom, sure, but I don’t ever stop teaching. I teach when I see my students in the hallways, outside of school, in extra curricular activities. I teach here, at Small Strokes, and at Gender Across Borders. I teach when I’m out with friends and family.
Because teaching isn’t just imparting knowledge, it’s listening, asking the right questions, letting someone cry, laughing your butt off. All of these, every day. With style, poise, and verve.
So little of teaching is actually imparting knowledge, which is why our test-taking culture has got it all wrong. And it’s also why the media has it wrong, and, subsequently, why so many other people have it wrong. All they can look at is the quantitative measure of test scores; they can’t seem to see the qualitative value of what we do every day.
One of my favorite professors told us all the time to teach like your hair is on fire. My hair hasn’t been on fire for a long time, but I think it’s time to set the blaze. (Metaphorically, of course.)
Instead of feeling ‘beat down’ as this school year starts, I’m going to feel fired up. I can make that decision – in fact, I’m the only one who can make that decision for myself – and it’s already been decided. I’m going to teach with style, poise, and verve. I’m going to laugh my butt off. I’m going to tune out everyone’s negative attitudes about teachers. I’m going to listen to the likes of Matt Damon and Taylor Mali. Every day.
Hold me to it, friends.
The Chore Wars
August 8th, 2011
The Fleabag, aka Penny
Penny has fleas.
Apparently, this is something that happens to dogs, and it really isn’t a big deal unless the fleas go undiscovered and vampire too much blood out of the dog, causing anemia. Yes, I just used vampire as a verb. It fits.
Anyway, lucky us, we discovered the fleas really early and got her on flea and tick prevention that also kills the fleas when they bite her. But for every one flea you see, there are hundreds more you don’t. And each flea can lay like 600 or some absurd amount of eggs a day. In your carpet. And they can also jump 150 times the length of their bodies.
Fleas rarely switch species, so once you kill the fleas on the dog, they don’t go find another host on a person. Realistically, then, the fleas are really just a pain in the butt for your furry friend, and totally gross for humans who hate bugs. Like me.
How do you get rid of them then? Well, if you have carpet – and we do – you clean the $^!# out of your place every other day or so until your dog stops scratching and you don’t see any more fleas running around. This means you use bug spray or flea powder, put that down, vacuum it all, wipe down any leather or wood furniture, wash/powder/vacuum all fabric furniture, bleach floors and counter tops, and do more laundry than you ever thought possible – curtains, comforters, blankets, clothes, sheets. Thank goodness we have a laundry machine inside our apartment.
When we got home after our visit to the vet, Tim didn’t even bat an eye. He grabbed curtains, comforters, rugs and went to the laundromat, where the laundry machines are much bigger and the dryers actually work. When he got home, he grabbed a mop and bleach and scoured every corner of every hard surface while I vacuumed and finished other, smaller loads of laundry. He woke up early with me the next morning to help put the place back together. He vacuumed again two days later. He took Penny for long walks so I could wash her toys without her thinking I was trying to play.
And I didn’t have to “instruct” him on any of this.
TIME Magazine came out with an article about how the “chore wars” are over – women and men spend the same time working inside the house as well as outside the house. And all the while, the article refers to men as “helpers” rather than partners and doesn’t account for the time women spend managing the household or taking care of little things that come up and cut into quality relaxing time whereas men come home, do what they’re told to do, and kick their feet up.
I don’t think the “chore wars” are over as far as the heterosexual cohabiting society as a whole is concerned, because most everything pointed out in that Ms. Blog article cited above is true. When we talk about chores, households, and family, we talk about men helping and women doing, and if that is still the rhetoric we’re using, we haven’t come far enough.
Rhetoric aside, though, I do think there are important differences in the way contemporary couples see household duties. Sure, it took Tim and I a little while to be able to share responsibilities like a well-oiled machine (an entire year, to be exact), but that seems to be more a process of adjusting to sharing a space rather than fighting societal assumptions when it comes to chores. Of course, I cheated a little bit and married a man who not only believed in pulling his weight around the house, but also is a total neat freak. But I think more young men than not have similar attitudes. We’ve all met men who believe a woman’s place is in the kitchen, or refuse to scrub the floors when that’s “her job,” but it seems more often than not, men are willing to roll up their sleeves and tackle the housework than they used to be. Now, though, we need to start talking about housework as the homeowners’ job, not the women’s job with their men helpers.
As for us, our apartment has never been cleaner, Penny has stopped scratching, we’re not seeing fleas, and I’ve had plenty of time to write and go out and enjoy the end of my summer. And so has Tim because we’re sharing duties without even having to talk about it.
I’m not saying the chore wars are over, but I am saying that with a little bit of practice and open communication, couples can get the house cleaned and still have time for everything else. And get rid of fleas with minimal stress.
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A Little More Love for Matt Damon
August 4th, 2011Yesterday, I gushed about Matt Damon. Today, I saw his entire speech at the Save Our Schools rally, and I love him even more. Here’s the text of the speech from the Washington Post for your reading pleasure:
I flew overnight from Vancouver to be with you today. I landed in New York a few hours ago and caught a flight down here because I needed to tell you all in person that I think you’re awesome.
I was raised by a teacher. My mother is a professor of early childhood education. And from the time I went to kindergarten through my senior year in high school, I went to public schools. I wouldn’t trade that education and experience for anything.
I had incredible teachers. As I look at my life today, the things I value most about myself — my imagination, my love of acting, my passion for writing, my love of learning, my curiosity — all come from how I was parented and taught.
And none of these qualities that I’ve just mentioned — none of these qualities that I prize so deeply, that have brought me so much joy, that have brought me so much professional success — none of these qualities that make me who I am … can be tested.
I said before that I had incredible teachers. And that’s true. But it’s more than that. My teachers were EMPOWERED to teach me. Their time wasn’t taken up with a bunch of test prep — this silly drill and kill nonsense that any serious person knows doesn’t promote real learning. No, my teachers were free to approach me and every other kid in that classroom like an individual puzzle. They took so much care in figuring out who we were and how to best make the lessons resonate with each of us. They were empowered to unlock our potential. They were allowed to be teachers.
Now don’t get me wrong. I did have a brush with standardized tests at one point. I remember because my mom went to the principal’s office and said, ‘My kid ain’t taking that. It’s stupid, it won’t tell you anything and it’ll just make him nervous.’ That was in the ’70s when you could talk like that.
I shudder to think that these tests are being used today to control where funding goes.
I don’t know where I would be today if my teachers’ job security was based on how I performed on some standardized test. If their very survival as teachers was based on whether I actually fell in love with the process of learning but rather if I could fill in the right bubble on a test. If they had to spend most of their time desperately drilling us and less time encouraging creativity and original ideas; less time knowing who we were, seeing our strengths and helping us realize our talents.
I honestly don’t know where I’d be today if that was the type of education I had. I sure as hell wouldn’t be here. I do know that.
This has been a horrible decade for teachers. I can’t imagine how demoralized you must feel. But I came here today to deliver an important message to you: As I get older, I appreciate more and more the teachers that I had growing up. And I’m not alone. There are millions of people just like me.
So the next time you’re feeling down, or exhausted, or unappreciated, or at the end of your rope; the next time you turn on the TV and see yourself called “overpaid;” the next time you encounter some simple-minded, punitive policy that’s been driven into your life by some corporate reformer who has literally never taught anyone anything. … Please know that there are millions of us behind you. You have an army of regular people standing right behind you, and our appreciation for what you do is so deeply felt. We love you, we thank you and we will always have your back.
Love.
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… In With the New
August 4th, 2011Remember from a few days ago how we were getting ready to move out a bunch of our old, college-style furniture and replace it with new, grown-up furniture? Well, it’s done, and I could not be happier with our apartment. In fact, I’m almost happy about staying here for another year, and I even told Tim that if we bought at two-bedroom townhome, as long as our office looks like it does now, I’d be super happy with it. So, take a second to familiarize yourself with how our apartment used to look. Now, behold our matching furniture and functional rooms!
Let’s start with the office.
Here, you can see my desk and the new futon (those bright colored pillows have since been moved to the couch in the living room). You can also see the bookcase on the left. I absolutely love working here, surrounded by my books. And the SPACE! Not having a double bed in here has freed up so much room!!
Here’s another vantage point of the same area of the room.
And here is the other side of the room, complete with end table, book shelves, Tim’s desk, and bonus dog tail. Now on to the eating area.
HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THIS TABLE?! It has leaves that fold out to seat six, and we have folding chairs in the closet for just such an occasion. What I totally love about it is how much space it leaves us, and that it matches the bar and china cabinet! It’s so beautiful. This could easily be my favorite piece in our place.
Here’s the bar with our cool bar chairs. Unfortunately, those chairs are a little too short for our bar, but we decided to keep them anyway. They’re comfy and we don’t really sit there all that often. Plus, in 10 months, we’re going to move somewhere that has a real bar-height counter that isn’t so freaking tall.
And, without further ado, OUR GROWNUP COUCHES! Sofa, reclining armchair, and ottoman. Not only are they pretty and, you know, REAL FURNITURE, they are leather-like material and I won’t have to vacuum dog hair off of them! Horray!
I hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of apartment makeover. I know y’all probably don’t really care, but it just makes me SO HAPPY! 😀
When Famous People Defend Teachers, It Makes My Heart Happy
August 3rd, 2011Thank you, Matt Damon. I always knew I liked you.
I would like to see some context to this video, though. From the clip we get, it seems like both the reporter and the cameraman are staunchly conservative people who truly believe that tenured teachers have no desire or motivation to become better at their craft and – probably – that they are overpaid for the time they spend working. Since, you know, we have summers off and have pensions and all that. However, I have a feeling that the reporter was just out to get a story and was asking questions she was told to ask, and the cameraman was… well… probably just being a jerk. I think we’d know more if we could see more. Also, it bugs me that Matt Damon’s mom apparently doesn’t have a name, according to the on-screen captions; she’s just Matt Damon’s mom.
But, Matt Damon, I like you. You’re passionate, eloquent, and willing to tell off an interviewer, despite what it might do to your “image.” When famous people defend teachers, it makes my heart happy. Teachers can defend themselves all they want, but people don’t listen or believe them. When famous people do it, well, it’s just nice. 🙂
And I have a few choice words for that cameraman. Seriously. He just had to jump in there at the end, didn’t he? Like it’s his job to do the interviewing? Like he can’t let the reporter do her job? And PUH-LEASE! “Aren’t there 10% of teachers that are bad?” Good lord. OF COURSE there are bad teachers. Just because you’re a teacher means you have to be good at it? Why? Because you’re shaping America’s youth? What about bad politicians who are shaping America’s policies? You haven’t heard of any of them, right? What about bad nannies or babysitters? Bad parents? Little League coaches? They all have an impact on America’s youth, too, so there couldn’t possibly be anyone bad at those jobs, correct? Not to mention people who suck at EVERY OTHER JOB IN THE WORLD. Nope, those people don’t exist, either. There are just bad teachers. Idiot.
I don’t usually justify these conservative arguments with a response, and I’m certainly not going to right now, either, since the pool is calling my name because, you know, I’m a lazy teacher with summers off. But if you want to talk salary, pensions, and a 70-hour work week, you let me know. I don’t know a single teacher who doesn’t work his or her butt off to make a difference. Tenured or not.
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The Kid Argument
August 3rd, 2011“Well, that’s fine for you and all, but don’t you want to share a name with your children?”
Behold, the Kid Argument.
What’s wrong with this question? you might ask. It’s a legitimate question. Think of how inconvenient it would be to go to parent-teacher conferences or a hospital and have someone question the relationship you have with your child.
Sure, if that’s your only frame of reference, it is a legitimate question, but there are so many things wrong with that statement that I don’t know if I can fit them all into one blog post. But, since Avital was so gracious to allow me into her space today to talk about feminism and parenting, I thought I’d use the time to offer a different perspective: the feminist non-parent.
Here’s the first thing that’s wrong with the Kid Argument: It assumes my unborn children have to have their father’s last name. For that matter, it assumes any child has to have their father’s last name. Personally, I don’t think it’s out of the question to demand – after 9 months of carrying around another human being inside of me, allowing that human being to demand my entire attention (not to mention all of my energy and most of my food intake), giving up wine and coffee for the duration of my pregnancy and while breastfeeding, and after pushing that baby out of me (or, even scarier, having a C-section) – that this child has my last name. Or, at the very least, a hyphen that includes my name. Admittedly, when Tim and I were first discussing whether or not I would change my name, he was a little hesitant simply because he didn’t quite know how that would look or how it would shape our lives in years to come. He had simply never experienced that in his lifetime, since his parents shared a name. At that time, I told him that if we had kids, they could have his name and I didn’t really care; my decision to keep my name was for me, not for anyone else. After all, my mom and I don’t share a last name since her and my dad got divorced, and it doesn’t make me less her daughter and, plus, she’s always just been Mom to me. However, the more I thought about it, the more I thought, no way! If I have to go through all that being pregnant stuff, the kid will have my name.
But what do kids do when their names are hyphenated, you might ask? If I choose option one to respond to the Kid Argument, this is almost always the follow-up question. Sometimes it looks like: Won’t that be a mouthful for your kid? or What if it’s a girl; what will she do when she gets married? Have three last names? These questions – especially the last one – elicit a major facepalm from me. Seriously? If I have a girl, or if I have a boy, and they ever choose to get married, they can do whatever they want. Keep it, get rid of it, combine it, change it all together – I don’t care! That’s their choice to make with their partner, just like it was mine to make with Tim. As far as the mouthful of a name, I’m a teacher and I know kids with one last name that has more letters and definitely more awkward combinations of consonants than our hyphenated name would be and those kids are just fine, so I think we’re OK there.
The second assumption embedded in the Kid Argument (and this is the one that really gets to me) is that I want to – or even am able to – have children. Here’s the thing: I don’t. We don’t. We’ve talked a lot about it and we just don’t want kids. We love kids; we’re both teachers, so it would follow that kids bring joy to our lives, but we both feel strongly that, after dealing with students all day, it would be really difficult to come home and give our full attention to a child. We also really want to do things. I want to write a book, he wants to run marathons, we want to travel, spend time together, sleep through the night. You get the picture. While we can imagine having kids is incredibly rewarding and worth making sacrifices to some people, it isn’t to us. At least, not right now.
You can imagine all of the follow-up arguments to this one, right? Oh, don’t worry, you’ll change your mind. (I wasn’t worried, thanks, and I might change my mind, but why would you invalidate my hopes and desires like that?) Just get your head and heart in the right place and the rest will follow. (Meaning my head and heart aren’t in the right place now by saying I want to spend time with my husband and do different things with my life? Thanks a lot.) You know the number one reason couples get divorced is because one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t. (Are you seriously trying to tell me my husband will leave me if I don’t ever change my mind? Wow…) You can’t always plan it, you know. (Well… uh… hmm… OK, well you’ve got me there. And if we had a little surprise bundle of joy, we’d be really great parents, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try to plan it.) It really is enough to make your head spin, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
I’ve written a lot about us not wanting kids (and here, too), us adopting kids, us having only one kid if any at all. The bottom line, though, is that Tim and I are going to structure our family however it works for us, whether it’s just the two of us and the dog, or whether we have a little (hyphenated) bundle of joy. Tim and I get to choose this together, and experience it together, and that is truly what feminism is all about.
Quick Hit: Babies Don’t Ruin Your Marriage
August 2nd, 2011Today at A Practical Wedding, there’s a Reclaiming Wife post about how babies don’t ruin your marriage.
We still go out to places, just the two of us, but I’ll admit that it’s more rare. Don’t get me wrong—we go to all of the same places we used to, we just usually lug along the little one (they’re portable). Cute cafes or fancy restaurants aren’t off limits—just grab an outdoor table and push up the stroller. So, when we do go just the two of us, the rare-ness makes it extra special—in an “absence makes the heart grow fonder” kind of way.
Sure, babies are gonna change your marriage—but I don’t see why everyone acts like the changes are bad. Just like a big move or competing work schedules or anything else that might occupy your time, it’s just one more reason to focus on really making an effort with one another.
Back to School, Back to Feminism
August 2nd, 2011Today, I’m over at Gender Across Borders talking about going back to school and back to teaching feminism.
It is officially August. Which means it is officially time to start thinking about going back to school. As a teacher, it is a time I both look forward to and dread. On one hand, the first few days of school can be brutal after a whole summer off. Just waking up at 5:00 AM when you’re used to waking up at 8:00 AM and being on your feet all day when you’re used to sitting by the pool can be a tough adjustment. However – and you might not believe me on this one – sitting by the pool every day can get boring pretty quickly, so going back to school in the fall brings the intellectual stimulation and sense of purpose that I crave all summer.
The start of the school year also always brings the same challenge: How will I empower the young women in my classes this year?
I teach mostly sophomores in high school, so when my students arrive in my classroom, they come with an array of maturity levels and experiences. The same could be said for any grade level, I’m sure, but sophomores in high school are at such a delicate age. They’re on the cusp of grown up – not old enough for a driver’s license, but too old to sit at home on a Saturday night. They’re all trying on different hats, experimenting with relationships, pushing the envelope. They are all incredibly different and individual, but one thing seems true almost entirely across the board: the girls lack confidence. Of course, boys lack confidence, too, but they show it in different ways. Boys at this age are boisterous and outgoing. They jump at the chance to answer questions or share stories. Girls at this age, however, hide their faces with their hair, slouch in their seats, and I believe some would rather die than say two words in front of the rest of the students.
Go read the rest of the article! Even if you’re not quite ready to go back to school. 🙂
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Out With the Old…
August 1st, 2011In true back-to-school frenzy, and as a sort of consolation prize for not moving to the city, Tim and I have decided to spend the money we would have spent breaking our lease and moving to buy new furniture and cleanse some stuff. Hopefully, since a lot of this stuff is smaller than the stuff we have, this will get us city-ready for when we move in June, but either way, we’ve had this furniture from our parents for a year now, and it’s about time we did some grown-up furniture shopping. 🙂 Do y’all want to know what we’re going to do? Of course you do. Here are the before pictures, with a little description of what it will look like after. Don’t worry, I’ll post after pictures on Tuesday, when this is all done.
Let’s start with the guest room/office, which will soon be an office/library. We’re going to get rid of that bed, keep the desks about where they are, and put a futon where the bed is now. We’re also going to move all of the books and bookshelves into this room. This will make the room much more functional for us, and will free up a lot of space. I mean, sure, it’s nice to have an extra bed for people to stay if they need to, but in one year, we’ve had two people take advantage of that, and for that, a futon will be just as good. Plus, how much will I love working at my desk surrounded by all of my books? I’ll tell you: A LOT. 🙂
Next, the living room. This couch and armchairs set have served me well, but we are going to get rid of them in favor of a dark brown, leather sofa and armchair. There also used to be a coffee table here that we gave back to Tim’s parents. It will free up the room a bunch, and give us a lot of room to play with Penny. So, the books will be moved into the guest room, the sofa will go where the sofa is now, and our new awesome reclining armchair will go where the one on the right is, by the window. This will also leave the eating area more open, which is good because it’s a little crunched, as you will see.
Here are two more bookshelves that will be moved to the office. To give you an idea, that chair leg you see on the left side of the picture is the chair on the right side of the picture above. It will be nice to have this wall space. Also, that’s Penny’s crate in the bottom right of this picture. Yea, time to move some stuff out.
Here’s the eating area (and bar and china cabinet and armchair that will soon be gone). We’re getting a new, darker (to match the other furniture), smaller square table that seats four and has leaves that fold out to seat six. What an awesome space-saver! We’ll also have four matching dark chairs and two foldable ones that we can bust out if we do have six people over for dinner. If we have more than six people… well, we’ll be eating on the floor, but we would have done that anyway because, as you can see, this table is huge and still only seats five.
On top of all that, we’re getting four foldable bar stools with backs for seating comfort and to replace the wicker ones we have now (you can sort of see a corner of one on the picture above). We’ll have two out, and two are foldable, so we can bust them out when entertaining. Hey – maybe that’s where people will eat if we have more than six.
Between this redecorating and all of the cooking I’ve been doing, does anyone want to come over for dinner? 🙂
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Quick Hit: Adoption as a Feminist Issue
July 31st, 2011I’ve written about adoption before. (Here, here, here…) It’s something I believe in very strongly, and will as long as there are children who need adoption. As long as women are pressured to give their children up for adoption, there will be children to be adopted, and I don’t believe it’s right to have my own child when there are so many that need homes.
I have thought a lot about this issue, especially as a feminist issue, so I was glad to see Feministe pick it up on their blog. There, Brigid raised some interesting questions:
How can or should we view adoption as a feminist issue? As a class, race, or disability issue? Whose rights stand to be compromised when adoption is or is not an available option?
Does every child have a right to be raised by the people whose genetic material helped create them?
Does every genetic parent have a right to raise their genetic children?
Do people who are unable (though biology or circumstance), or do not desire, to conceive children have a right to raise children?
If you believe adoption is problematic, what circumstances would make it less so?
These questions also raised interesting responses in the comments. You should totally check out the whole article.
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On Not Moving to the City
July 30th, 2011
Image via Wikipedia
I’ve been off the grid for a few days while Tim and I have worked on deciding what to do with the next year of our lives. As you can imagine, it’s been a daunting few days and lots of decisions have been made.
When I left you last, we were looking at apartments in the city of Chicago, and I was really excited about it. We did look at apartments in Chicago, and I was really excited about it. Tim was really excited about it, too. We found a really great place that would be perfect for us – perfect size, perfect location, awesome balcony, laundry in the apartment, right near the highway and not too far from the train, good price. I mean, it really was everything we could ask for. We were stoked.
And then, we got home, and we talked about it, and we decided not to move.
This sounds about like how we tend to do things, especially things regarding a big move: We get really excited, look at places, decide we could totally do it, and then decide not to. It’s sort of becoming our schtick.
You know why we’ve decided not to buy a house right now. So, why did we decide not to make this move to another apartment in the city? It seems like a no-brainer, right? The city is fun, everything is within walking distance, I could take the train to work, we hate the apartment we’re in, we have friends in the city. Hmm… why aren’t we moving again?
Oh yea, because it would cost us a lot of unnecessary money to move into the city right now, since we’d have to break our lease (Do you know how much that costs?! A lot!) and, at the ripe old age of almost 30 and being gift-laden post-wedding, none of our friends are willing to help move us for pizza and beer anymore, so we’d have to hire movers. Not to mention that we probably wouldn’t even be able to really enjoy it until we got some time off, since we’d be moving in September – one month after the start of school. We’d be trying to find a dog walker, negotiate our commutes (as we’d both still be working in the suburbs), and we’d be so strapped for cash the first few months that we probably wouldn’t even be able to leave the apartment again until December.
Therefore, being the responsible adults we are, we made the decision to stay put until June. We’re going to continue to save money, not pay our crappy apartment complex any more than they get in rent (I know paying them to break the lease would be less than nine more months of rent, but it’s the principle of the thing. They don’t get extra!), and make it a point to be more active and social this school year.
If you asked me right now what we’re going to do in June, I’d say we’re going to move to the city or, at least, closer to the city. Honestly, I’d be fine in a townhome within walking distance of the train station. I don’t know if I really want to live in the city for the daily hustle and bustle, or if I want to live there, essentially, for the weekends. If it’s the latter, I’d be just as happy with easy access to a train for Friday/Saturday/Sunday fun. I guess that’s something I have to figure out for myself. As far as Tim goes, he still things living in an apartment in the suburbs is “boring and pointless” (his words, not mine), but I think he’d be just as happy either buying something or moving to the city. I guess only time will tell.
Here’s what I love about this situation, though: Tim and I had an idea, we followed through on researching and actively seeking out ways to make this idea into reality, then we discussed our options together and chose the best one for us. We didn’t just let the idea sit on the back burner and reference it dreamily when times got tough. We didn’t make an irresponsible decision just because it seemed fun at the time. And we made the decision together, after hearing each point of view and discussing all the pros and cons.
If that’s not an equitable partnership, I don’t know what is.
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Homes and Houses, Cities and Suburbs
July 26th, 2011
Tim and I have spent a good deal of time over the past few days debating about what we want the next step in our lives to be. We’ve been looking at houses and town homes in the suburbs of Chicago, and we’ve found quite a few that we really like and could feasibly afford. However, every time we get to thinking about putting an offer in on a place, we start talking about a bunch of “what if”s and “why we shouldn’t”s and end up deciding we just don’t want a house.
And, I probably should mention, the thought of getting a house scares the crap out of me and starts to make me feel sick to my stomach. It was at the point where I avoided looking at properties online or seeing them in real life because I just didn’t want to.
I can’t put my finger on why I was so adverse to buying a house, but I think some of it has to do with this little idea in the back of my head that a house is so much more than just a house; it’s settling down, paying a mortgage, not moving again for a while, and – scariest to me – waiting to have something to fill all that space (namely children).
We have a lot of friends who got married and bought huge houses in the suburbs. When we visit some of them (not all of them – don’t get angry at me yet, friends!) and talk to them, we can’t help but notice that they haven’t furnished or painted bedrooms – not because they don’t have the money – because they figure, “Why should we when we’re just going to redo it when we’re pregnant anyway?” So they seem to rattle around the house, taking in all their space, eating dinner in different rooms just because they can, and wait. They wait for the time they’re financially or emotionally ready to have children to fill the voids in their home.
Now, I believe there is honor in doing what is best for your budding family, and many times that is being prepared for the family to grow. Saving for and buying a house is a big deal, and shouldn’t be taken lightly, and it shouldn’t be looked down on, either. And I don’t look down on it at all. But I don’t think it’s for us. Yet.
There might come a time when we are ready to make a house a home, to have children to fill the rooms of that home. There might come a time when I feel that the suburbs are the best place for Tim and me (and Penny) and whomever else we add to our family. However, that time isn’t now, and that is probably why I started feeling physically uneasy when talking about mortgages and bedroom sizes.
So, after MUCH discussion (we’ve really been back and forth about this since about April), we’ve decided to take a look at some apartments in Chicago. We’re not ready to buy a house and have kids, so it’s either stick it out in our apartment (that we kind of hate) in the ‘burbs, or go live it up in the city for a few years. Personally, I think going to the city at this point in our lives is the right thing to do. Like Tim said, no one gets to the end of their life and wishes they had bought their house a year sooner. They regret things like not moving to Chicago and living it up. So, in the spirit of no regrets, we’re going to look into it.
This is a really exciting time for us, and I selfishly hope it works out and we can move to the city. I’m certainly not ready to settle down and, white it’s scary for both of us to think that we’re shaking things up yet again, I think shaking things up can be good. And I look forward to it.
Quick Hit: Should Chivalry Be Stopped?
July 24th, 2011A new feminist study shows that chivalric behavior is sexist and should be stopped immediately.
I am a feminist. I also like men to be chivalrous, kind to women and open doors before I walk through them. It’s polite; it’s manly and it’s darn bloody sexy. So you can imagine my surprise when I came across a new feminist study the other day, which claimed that chivalry should be banned and that men who practise it are guilty of so-called benevolent sexism.
Say what!? Yep, according to the study, titled Seeing the Unseen, carried out by psychologists Janet Swim (of Pennsylvania State University) and Julia Becker (of Philipps-University Marburg, Germany), men who open doors for women are guilty of sexist behaviour and they should be stopped immediately.
Interesting, because I thought chivalry was dead.
I don’t know about this one. Tim opens doors for me, but not because I can’t do it myself. He does it because he wants to show that he respects me. I wonder if intent matters in situations like this? I don’t know, but I do think chivalry as a sign of respect is a-ok with me!
What do you think? Should chivalry be stopped?
Quick Hit: Can a Feminist Diet?
July 23rd, 2011Terrible title, great article.
Frustratingly, given the patriarchal bargain of weight-loss, being radically anti-diet as a political stance doesn’t always fit comfortably as a personal stance. Because we live in a society that punishes women for being “fat,” even the most dedicated feminists report struggles with body image. The threat of becoming a martyr for this cause (i.e., by voluntarily giving up ”thin-privilege,” if we’ve got it) can be terrifying. Add to this the personal fact that I’ve gained an (subjectively) uncomfortable amount of weight in the past year by neglecting to care for my body, and suddenly I’m facing a conundrum.
Kjerstin Gruys, the author of this post, uses the article to talk about her struggles with anorexia, her discovery of feminism through that struggle, and her now healthy desire to take care of her body through diet.
What do you think? How has our diet culture changed your life or outlook?
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Quick Hit: It’s Not Other People’s Money – It’s Yours
July 22nd, 2011Here’s some shocking information for all you married/cohabiting women out there:
There are several programs, some of which are free, that can manage household finances. Despite the availability of these tools and their relative ease of use, I am amazed at how many women have little knowledge about their family finances. Women who, until they were married or had children, not only managed their own finances, but were lawyers, bankers, teachers, consultants, retail buyers, editors, event planners, etc. Some of them still work outside the home. Now, they don’t know their household income, the cost of their housing, what their family spends on groceries, clothing, utilities, etc. Ask them how many bank accounts they have, what’s in their IRA or 401K, if they have adequate life insurance, or college savings for their kids and they smile and just shrug. “My husband takes care of it; I am sure we are fine.”
Are you?
I’m guilty of this. Tim takes care of most of our finances, though I take care of my own personal ones. We pay bills together, but all that means is I give him enough money from my paycheck to do so. I guess I’m more involved in our finances than these women this article refers to are (I do know our household income and how much our bills are), but not much.
What about you? Are you involved in your household finances? If so, how?
Hot, Hot, Hot
July 22nd, 2011Well. Our air conditioning broke yesterday. And the heat index yesterday was 110 degrees. So, we spent some time with my mom, and then checked into a hotel. Then there was a bad storm, which freaked the dog out even more and knocked out the power for a bit (thankfully not long). And then they told us our air might not be fixed till Tuesday.
Thankfully, this situation could have been much worse. Thankfully, we have family close by and the option to stay in a hotel. I know not everyone else who doesn’t have air conditioning in this heat wave has as many options. It brings up some interesting issues of class, which I would expand on, but I’m typing this from my phone because this hotel requires us to pay for the Internet, and it’s hard to type much on my phone.
So, I’m putting this on the back burner for now, and it’s possible y’all may not hear from me again till Tuesday.
Stay cool, folks.
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Quick Hit: Girl Talk: Compromising Positions
July 21st, 2011It is now I am realizing, though, I am the one who did most of the compromising to live the lifestyle he wanted.
I think I put too much stock into what our future would be when the present was making me unhappy. I actively compromised then because I believed that I would be rewarded for those compromises in the future. For example, we moved out of New York City together to a small apartment in New Jersey with a roommate — his best friend — who, for a variety of reasons, I didn’t like. We’d been thrilled to move in together, but in time, I felt pretty much trapped out there. For nearly two years we lived like this, even though the whole time I hated the apartment itself, how unclean we (specifically the roommate) allowed it to get, and how it was poorly decorated and cluttered with furniture. But I kept telling myself we’d have future apartments — a future house, even! — that I could truly make a “home.”
It’s a really great, honest article about what happens when a relationship goes bad, and about recovery and finding yourself again. You should definitely read the whole thing.
How about you? Have you ever gotten to a place in a relationship where you felt you couldn’t compromise anymore?
Quick Hit: The Screwed-Up Ideas Underpinning Modern Marriage
July 20th, 2011Here’s an article that talks about how we’ve screwed up marriage because of who we look for to marry. Here’s a sample:
Yet our attitudes about whom we are supposed to marry has barely changed. We are still burdened with antiquated ideas about what men and women are supposed to look for and expect in a spouse. These traditional and deeply embedded ideas are on a collision course with the facts on the ground. If straight women continue to seek men with superior education and earnings to “take care of them” (even in situations where, at least financially, women are perfectly able to take care of themselves) and if men continue to only be comfortable in the “superior” position, we can expect to see many more frustrated and lonely mate seekers.
I don’t agree with most of this, mostly because everyone I know has married for this little thing we call love, which may or may not be important in a marriage. Who knows.
What do you think of this article?
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When it Comes to Food Shows, Women Prepare and Men Eat
July 19th, 2011
Image by Getty Images via @daylife
Towards the end of the school year and at the start of the summer, before all of the reruns got really boring, I started watching all these food shows on the Travel Channel like it was my job. Man vs. Food, Bizarre Foods, No Reservations. I loved the adventure, the traveling, the critiques, the snark. I loved how these hosts could go to any part of the country, or even to different countries, and tell so much about the culture just by tasting the food. The ingredients in traditional dishes in northern Italy were totally different than those in southern Italian meals, for example, and were indicative of what was available before grocery stores and globalization, as well as what people could afford, grow, or find readily available.
Good food tells a story, and the hosts of these shows put those stories into words. And I love both stories and good food.
However, it wasn’t long before I noticed a pattern in these shows. Mostly, these shows were about women preparing food, and men enjoying it. How’s that for a gender stereotype? So I started doing a little research into food shows, and the results were clear. Most food shows that involved the preparation of food (think Rachel Ray’s 30-Minute Meals) were hosted by women, and most food shows that involved the enjoyment of food (think Guy Fieri’s Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives) were hosted by men. Sure, there are a few food enjoyment shows out there hosted by women, but they mostly do not air during prime time hours. And, of course, chefs like Guy Fieri have cooking shows where they demonstrate how to prepare meals, but they are also rewarded with prime time shows that allow them to critique food made by others, whereas most women are not.
This is problematic in more ways than just upholding gendered roles about the production and consumption of food, though that is extremely problematic in and of itself. We’re all familiar with the tired trope that women belong in the kitchen, and that their one and only job is to prepare a hot meal for their husband and children. What’s even worse with food enjoyment shows is that, now, already powerful and famous men have even more power with the ability not only to eat food that is prepared for them, but critique it. Granted, most of the critiques are good, and not all food is prepared for them by women, but why can’t we see a woman hosting a show that involves enjoying food?
Well, I’ll tell you why: Women aren’t supposed to enjoy food. We’re supposed to be tormented by counting calories and measuring out portions. Even on food preparation shows when the women chefs taste their food right at the end, we only ever see them take the tiniest of bites.
Think of how refreshing it would be to see a woman enjoying a delicious-looking, carb-loaded, deep-fried meal during a prime time television program. It would be ultimately freeing – for me, at least – to see a woman host take a couple of big bites out of a hamburger, or participate in a food-eating challenge of Man vs. Food fame. There is not only societal pressure for women to be thin; there is also immense societal pressure for women to be dainty eaters. We order salads, we cut up our food, we take home half of our order even if we’re still really hungry. We’re taught not to be messy, not to lick sauce off our fingers (or not to get sauce on our fingers in the first place), and not to over-indulge. Sure, some of this is basic etiquette – no one really wants to see someone plow face-first into a plate of food – but some of it is absolutely gendered.
While I can’t necessarily change what’s on television, and I still enjoy watching some of these programs, I can change what food consumption looks like in my home. I promised myself that, this summer, I would create and enjoy amazing meals, and, so far, I have done just that. (Hence all of the recipes you’ve seen lately, with more to come!) Yes, I am doing most of the food preparation (because I like to, not because I feel pressured to), but Tim and I enjoy the food together. So far, we’ve started to create and share our own stories around our favorite foods. And I’m never afraid anymore to get a second helping.
Book Review: The Kid by Sapphire
July 19th, 2011
Image via Borders.com
Today, I’m over at Gender Across Borders reviewing The Kid by Sapphire.
This review contains spoilers, so if you think you might read the book and you hate spoilers, do not read past the cut! Also, I’m including a trigger warning for this post, and the book, for descriptions of sexual abuse, violence, and hate speech.
I was approached by BlogHer to review The Kid by Sapphire for their reviews program (and you will be able to read all of the BlogHer reviews – including mine, which is different than this one – very soon!), and, even though I hadn’t read Push, the prequel novel, nor had I seen the film adaptation Precious (I have read quite a bit about the two, but, since I’m an English teacher, I can’t bring myself to count that.), I had planned on reading and watching them respectively, so I didn’t want to pass up this opportunity. In a way, I’m glad I had the opportunity to read the book, and in a way, I’m not. Frankly, I did not enjoy reading The Kid, and after this experience, I doubt I will pick up the prequel anytime soon.
When I was student teaching, my supervising professor used to say, de gustibus non disputandum est – you can’t argue taste. This was to remind us that, while we couldn’t make our students like a book we assigned, we could ask them to tell us why they didn’t like it, which was a great critical response. As I stated above, I did not necessarily like The Kid, though I don’t think entertainment was Sapphire’s goal with this novel. However, the content was more problematic than just being difficult to read.
Just a reminder, do not proceed past this point if you don’t want to read spoilers or descriptions of sexual abuse, violence, and hate speech.
But if you are interested in reading on, click here to read the rest!
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