Can’t Turn It Off
Ever since the Parkland shooting, I have been feeling progressively worse. I’m not really sure how to describe it, but it started with a feeling like someone was standing on my chest. Then, it was almost like a balloon had been inflated in my lungs and needed to pop. That balloon is still there. Then, I started feeling short of breath and a little dizzy.
It’s not all the time, which leads me to believe this is a physical manifestation of something mental rather than something inherently physical. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I should go to the doctor.
But it’s mostly when I’m in school. Or when reading the news. Or when perusing Facebook and Twitter… and even Instagram these days.
So, kind of all the time. But there are moments when I can turn it off, if I turn everything else off, too.
I’ve been a teacher for over a decade. I entered into this profession when lockdown drills were already a part of life. I watched news of the Virginia Tech shooting in the teachers’ lounge during my first year of teaching. During my second, I was sitting in the auditorium, running a rehearsal while checking in on friends at NIU during that Valentine’s Day shooting. I was stuffing envelopes for a Speech tournament in the athletic office when the secretary started streaming news of Sandy Hook. I’ve been locked down twice myself, and I’ve sat worried during another.
All of this is to say that this isn’t new for me.
It’s not new to hear stories about kids dying because of gun violence or mass shootings. It’s not new to hear of the heroic actions of teachers working – and dying – to save their students. (It’s not even new to think about how I would act in that same situation, knowing that it could be real soon enough.) It’s not new to demand armed guards in schools. It’s not new to suggest arming teachers.
So why does it feel like all of this is happening for the first time? Why am I having so much trouble looking away, turning it off, resuming normal activity?
Is it because these amazing kids from Parkland are fighting tooth and nail to make change? Is it because the political climate is such that we all seem to have the permission to protest again, and we are taking advantage of that to make waves? Is it because, this time, we have a president who has suggested arming teachers, not just some fringe conservative talking heads?
I don’t have an answer. All I know is that my stress relief tea, lavender bath salts, and essential oils are only going so far. Even wine isn’t melting these feelings away like it usually does.
Because I don’t want to carry a gun. I don’t want my students to live in fear of going to school. And I don’t want to die just because I showed up at work.
Featured Image Credit: MarylandGovPics