Posts by Ashley:
- Before you all swoon with happiness over how sweet of a thing that is to say, you need to know that this was said in response to the past two months and the month we have ahead of us of frustrating wedding planning. ↩
- Art
- Writing
- Love
- Life
- Fathers
- Mothers
- Sisters
- Brothers
- Family
- Adoption
- Men
- LGBTQ
- Teaching
- Work
- Reading
- …The possibilities are ENDLESS!
- Except he used my real last name here, but I don’t type that out on the internet. Get it, though? I’ll become the woman I always was with the name I always had when I marry him? I know. So sweet. ↩
- Let’s not confuse the fact that I felt lost with the ever-popular idea out there that weddings (and marriage?) make you loose something of yourself. I haven’t lost anything of myself – the makeup washes off, the hair can (and will) be cut. My personality has not been lost, just my outward appearance. ↩
How do Wedding Planning and Activism Co-Exist?
September 23rd, 2010Tim and I have been struggling quite a bit lately about how to incorporate our pro-LGBTQ and pro-marriage equality activism and opinions into our wedding. We’re not quite sure the best way to do this, and we have been back and forth about it quite a bit. Of course, as is usually the case with most things I do, I saw this article from A Practical Wedding just as Tim and I were beginning to think about the incorporation of this particular belief set into our wedding. And, as is also usually the case with most things I do, this was an article that I wish I had earlier in my wedding planning process.
The post talks quite a bit about being careful in your selection of vendors – selecting only vendors that support LGBTQ marriage rights and include those ceremonies in their portfolios. Tim and I were very careful in selecting our vendors – we used mostly women who had either started their own businesses or who work out of their homes, and, if possible, we used friends and family members to add a sort of communal aspect to the wedding. Weddings are not, after all, just about the bride and groom. They’re about family and community, and a whole group of people willing to come together to support you and love you in your lives together. However, since same-sex marriage is not yet legal in Illinois, it never occurred to me that there might be some photographers, for example, in the state that included same-sex ceremonies in their portfolios. This might make me a bad intersectional feminist, but we really were focused on fighting all gender roles and traditions in general in this wedding rather than specifically voicing our opinions about LGBTQ rights. I do believe that working for these rights intertwine with work against traditional gender roles in all activism – fighting the patriarchy can come in many different forms – but I do also believe it is important to speak out against all oppression.
But then, how to speak out about this at your wedding? And how much activism is appropriate at a wedding? Do your friends and family really need to know all about your political opinions, or is quietly knowing that you’ve worked and will continue to work to fight oppression enough? And if your friends and family don’t know how you feel about certain political issues, are you really an activist at all? Shouldn’t you then take a look at your life and your activism and make some changes? Is a note at the bottom of your program really saying anything, or is it best to just keep it to yourself at the wedding (it is, after all, only one day) and use your lives together to fight for equality?
I’m not sure; I wish I had answers for you. Tim and I have incorporated so much of our activism into this wedding quietly (more on that later) that it seems like a note in the bottom of the program or to say anything aloud would be out of place and just take away from the message we want to send. Either that or it just wouldn’t be enough. It almost seems at this point in our planning process that sending a message of love and acceptance in a quieter way and perhaps making a personal donation might be a more appropriate way to start our lives together.
What do you think? How did you or how do you plan to incorporate your activism at your weddings?
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Equality 101 is looking for writers! And so am I!
September 22nd, 2010Hey lovely readers!
I know I haven’t been around much lately, and that’s because I’m getting married in, oh, 17 DAYS. And, you know, I’ve been a little busy with that. But don’t worry – I’ll be back full-force very soon. In fact, I may even be back at this blogging thing before the wedding is over… just as soon as I finish all of this grading that has been piling up on my desk for two weeks now!
Speaking of education… Equality 101 is looking for writers! If you’re interested in writing for a blog all about education, now is your chance! Apply today!
Equality 101’s mission is “to engage with difference and diversity in a meaningful and productive way. As lifelong educators and learners, we aim to inspire and support other teachers, students, administrators, and others involved in education at any level as they work toward a more equitable and open-minded world.” If this sounds like the kind of blog you’d like to participate in, you should totally apply. And I’m not biased because I’m the executive editor of Equality 101 at all. Nope. Not even a little bit. 😉
If education is not your thing, please submit your guest posts on Feminism and Relationships or Feminism and _______! I’ve seen a recent dip in guest post submissions, and that makes me sad because all of you are such talented writers and thinkers and I’d love to share your voices here! So submit!
There. Even though you don’t have much to read from me lately, you can drown your sorrows in your writing and submit it to me. And then you’ll have more stuff to read! It’s a win-win situation all around.
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Why I Love Teaching, and Advice to New Teachers
September 21st, 2010Since I started student teaching until now, my reason for loving my job has remained the same. Of course, I love it because it makes me feel useful and the students are interesting and often very funny and some of the most wonderful moments happen inside the classroom – I love, especially, that “light bulb” moment when the students collectively breath “ohhhhhh” after finally understanding a concept they had worked so hard to grasp.
Most of all, however, I love the fact that I can have something going on outside of school that’s really bugging me, or I can have a terrible weekend or a terrible morning, but as soon as those students walk into the room, they smile at me and say “Hey Miss, how are you?” and, every time, without fail, I’m able to smile back and say “Fine! How are you doing?” Of course, they always launch into a story about something that happened to them before they got into your classroom, and just listening to that, knowing that they are comfortable enough to share with me and just knowing that they want me to know what’s going on with them, is enough to make whatever is bugging me go away for just that little while – at least until the end of the day. Read the rest of this entry “
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September 13th, 2010
Think of a time you were facing an important change in your life. What was that change? How did you handle it? Were you ready for it, or did you want everything to stay the way it was? Explain.
This was a prompt I gave to my students a few days ago before we started reading the short story “Eveline” by James Joyce. It’s a lovely little story from Dubliners, and in the story, Eveline is an Irish girl with an abusive father who is planning on running away with her new lover, Frank, to Buenos Ayres. She sits at the window through the story, thinking about how wonderful her new life with Frank will bee, then thinking about how awful her life with her father has been, then how her life with her father wasn’t that bad, and how she promised her dying mother she would work to keep the family together. Eventually, just as Frank is boarding the boat and motioning to her to follow him, she grips the railing and decides to stay in her old life, even though she so desperately wanted to leave it just a few pages before.
Many of my students openly shared that they are facing many changes as they sit in the desks in my classroom – parents are divorcing; some students just moved here from Mexico, leaving all their friends and family behind; some just came to this school from another one; some are excited at the prospect that their fathers may come home from jail or war in the forseeable future.
However, when I asked them if they were ready for these changes or if they ever wanted to go back to their old lives, every single one of them said they were ready, that change is inevitable and wishing for it to be any other way is pointless.
Having experienced many monumental changes this past summer, with many more to come, frankly, I do not believe them.
There were days before Tim and I moved in together when I wanted to grip the railing of my mom’s house and not budge – let’s face it, there was about a month after we moved in together that I wanted to go back. Even though I was ready for cohabitation, I still wasn’t sure. I had no idea what lay ahead of me: Would it be better or worse? Wouldn’t it be easier just to stay where I was? Sometimes, isn’t the easy way the right way?
Just the other day, Tim turned to me and said: “I never thought I’d ever say this, but all I want right now is to be married.” 1 And I agreed, mostly. Marriage, right now, looks like the promised land compared to the final months of engagement and hectic wedding-planning and daily meetings to make sure everything is just so. But there is something final about marriage. Even if something happens to us or to our marriage, there’s no going back to the way things were. Ever. We have permanently changed, and permanently changed each other.
You could argue that even if we didn’t get married – even if we broke up right now or three months ago before moving in together – that we’d still be forever changed. This is true. But the slow process of a relationship unfolding is not the same change as the severe divide between married and not-married. And, sometimes, married looks a lot scarier than broken-hearted. And, sometimes, broken-hearted due to death or divorce looks a lot scarier than broken-hearted now, before we get too far into it.
In a way, my students are right: Change is inevitable. But marriage is no longer something you have to do. Sure, it’s … encouraged, shall we say?… by American society, but not demanded by it. There are many people who live their lives avoiding change – crossing over change on a tight rope and balancing for dear life, and, unlike tight rope walking, if you fall off into change, there’s no net to save you from plummeting to the ground.
But, change has its up sides, as well, and that is why we do it. Even though Eveline had no idea what her life would be like with Frank, there was a great possibility that it would be better than staying with her abusive father. Likewise, even though I have no idea how our married life will be and how it will end, there’s a good chance that I’ll be a better person for having done it, and, at the very least, I’ll always be able to say that we were happy together, and that I wasn’t about to give up the chance at true happiness, or true love, as romantic-comedy as that may sound.
Unlike Eveline, then, I’m going to get on that boat, and, like my students say, I’m not going to give up opportunities that come my way in the future because I’m too scared to make a change. And I will be supportive of changes that come Tim’s way, as well. This is my promise to myself as I move to a new chapter of my life, and to Tim as we take our vows next month. I just hope I can help myself let go of that railing.
Teaching in a Post-Columbine World
September 11th, 2010Today, as Americans spend the day commemorating 9/11, I want to turn our attention as educators to another great American tragedy that, I would argue, has changed the teaching profession more than 9/11 ever could. Sure, the tragedy of 9/11 disrupted our psyches, took us off of our American pedestal, even launched us into a war. But it is no secret that the world is not a safe place – that terrorists exist and that tragedies like this can happen at any time. The tragedy at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, however, disrupted us all on a much more rudimentary level: Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold took away our sense of safety in schools.
Columbine and 9/11 sort of framed my high school experience: Columbine was the spring of my freshman year of high school, and 9/11 was the fall of my senior year of high school. Both of these events forced my typically self-centered, high school worldview outside of myself, but Columbine was the one that really upset my sense of safety. Growing up in the Midwest, New York seemed far away, but school – now that was a place I went every day. And just the thought that someone might bring guns into school and start shooting was something that I just couldn’t get over.
When I got to undergrad and into my education courses, I was bombarded with articles and books about “Teaching in a Post-9/11 World.” I was always sort of shocked, however, that we almost never mentioned how to teach in a post-Columbine world. Sure, kids have always felt like outcasts, especially in small-town schools, but this issue had now been brought to the forefront of American consciousness; dealing with bullying, name-calling, and students who consistently feel like outsiders – not to mention students who may be prone to violent tendencies – became so much more important after that day. But 9/11 seemed to wipe that out of our consciousness. Maybe this is because our brains can only hold so much tragedy at once. Maybe, and probably more likely, we as Americans have a tendency to like to cast people not actually from America as the antagonists in our dramas. It is unfathomable on so many levels for us to accept that there are terrorists disrupting us just as much from the inside. Read the rest of this entry “
Why Marriage, Part 2
September 9th, 2010One of my lovely commenters said on my last post about why I chose marriage that “there’s something very powerful about speaking as a married person to say that you support marriage equality and are not threatened by it.” I’ve been mulling over this for some time, not really understanding what is so powerful about taking advantage of privilege. Then, as I was reading some news articles the other day, it dawned on me.
So many people who continually vote, speak, and work against marriage equality are married.
I mean, come on. People constantly talk about “protecting the sanctity of marriage.” We have the Defense of Marriage Act. Just look at this rhetoric: Defending the sanctity of marriage by keeping LGBTQ people out of it.
But to be married and to vote, speak, and work for marriage equality – that is powerful, considering the rhetoric. Marriage shouldn’t be some exclusive club. It should be inclusive of all who fall in love and choose to share their lives with someone else. I am entering marriage, but I don’t feel the need to exclude couples from it just because they don’t fit in to an ancient view of it.
I’m getting married, and I’m defending marriage. For everyone. I’m also defending love, commitment, happiness, and human rights. And I think that’s really important for people to see.
Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder? (And a new call for guest posts!)
September 8th, 2010No, this isn’t a post about feminism and relationships. I feel I’ve been absent from this blog for a while, even though I’ve been posting pretty regular guest posts and thoughts of my own. But I’ve missed writing, and in the midst of all of this wedding-madness and relationship-theory, I’ve realized just how important it is to carve out a space for myself – and time for myself – to write and, really, just exist on my own, without thinking about relationships or weddings or what have you.
So, even though I’ll probably be completely consumed with teaching and wedding appointments from now until October 9 (OMG 31 DAYS!!!!!), I’m really going to try to carve out a space for my writing, both analytical and creative. For one, I’m going to start using my Tumblr to post weekly (hopefully bi-weekly) poetry. I actually majored in English Literature with a specialization in Creative Writing in undergrad, and I did a Poem a Day challenge with The Undomestic Goddess herself, among others, a while back, and I really miss exercising my brain in that way. So, if you’re interested in that sort of thing, be sure to follow me there (or subscribe to the RSS feed).
Also, I’m opening up a new prompt for you guest posters on here. Don’t worry; I’ll still be publishing all of your wonderful posts about feminism and relationships, because this prompt totally fits in with that as well. I was thinking, if you all can have such wonderful ideas about such a simple prompt as “Write something about feminism and relationships,” what about if I open it up even more?
Thus, I announce to you, my call for guest posts about Feminism and ___________. You fill in the blank, you write the post.
Need some ideas? Maybe something like Feminism and…:
For those of you who need guidelines, they’re pretty much the same as they were last time: My guidelines, like all good things in life, are flexible and open to interpretation. But in general, I’d say posts should be about 400-800 words in length and spell-checked/grammar-checked to the best of your ability. Hyperlinks are OK in bios and in posts. Just make sure I have a list of all URLs in case something is lost in translation, so to speak. Also, please keep in mind that I am a high school teacher, so I cannot publish curse words, sexually explicit language, or anything overtly political. If you think you have a topic that might fall into one of these categories, go ahead and e-mail me a pitch and we can totally figure something out.
Of course you can cross-post something to your blog, as well, or submit something you’ve already written on the topic, but I’d appreciate a link back here from your blog. Also, you don’t have to be a blogger to submit a post! If you just want to write something for me but don’t necessarily write on your own, that’s swell, too!
All posts or pitches can be submitted to samsanator (at) gmail (dot) com along with a brief bio and a link to your blog if you’ve got one.
I absolutely cannot wait to see what my smart, savvy readers do with this one! And don’t worry, I’ll be adding my own ideas to the mix as we go!
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Teacher Burnout
September 1st, 2010I am in my third week of teaching this school year, and this is about the time that the magic is starting to wear off – the assignments to be graded are piling up, the after school meetings and extra curricular commitments are beginning to be scheduled, the kids are getting antsy to get out of their seats and back outside in the waning sunshine of summer-fall. Admittedly, I’m a little antsy to get out of my classroom and into that sunshine as well.
I mean, I finished grad school in May of last year, and my wedding (in October) is almost totally planned! I only have one prep this year! I should have nothing but time on my hands! But in this, my third year at my school and my fifth year teaching, I find myself adding more responsibilities, becoming more committed to the school community, and amping up my grading and lesson planning, giving things just a little more oomph. All this just after a year during which I was questioning just how much more oomph I had left to give.
Doubts, Change, and the Cherry on Top
August 30th, 2010One year ago today (well, yesterday by the time this hits the internets), Tim proposed to me.
Do you know what he said to me with that ring in his hand, on his knee? He said: “Will you do me the honor of becoming Ms. Ashley Lauren?” 1
It was the most magical moment of my life. Thus far.
And now everyone thinks that we’re so happy just living together and putting the cherry on top of the wedding plans and getting matching china. And a lot of that is true, but those issues cohabiting couples have when they first move in together? Yea, that’s happening here, too! We spend a lot of time hashing out things that make us so irritated that we could rip each others’ faces off. Gruesome? Yes. But I bet most of you have been there. 🙂
You know, a good friend asked me a little while back if I was absolutely sure that getting married to Tim is the right decision. I think you can all probably tell by now that I want to be married to Tim, that I cannot wait for this marriage to begin taking shape. But, let’s be honest here. There are always going to be other choices out there that I could have taken. Even if this feels more right than anything I could be doing right now – and it does – there will always be other paths I could have taken. Do I sometimes think about the other choices I could have made in life? The simple answer is: Yes. The more nuanced, and therefore more accurate, answer would be: Like all good things in life, I chose this path in favor of another and, as with any path, there will be ups and downs. And, honestly, sometimes it is really difficult sitting on this side of forever, knowing that we will have bad days, maybe even bad years, and wondering how we will get through it without all of the tears and screaming and puffy eyes and storming out. But then, just when I’m sitting on the cusp of overwhelmed hyperventilation, I realize that, even after the bad days or bad weeks or bad years or whatever, we will still have issues to work out, but we will also (hopefully) still be together. One fight isn’t going to break us up like it could have when our relationship was just budding. One bad year is nothing we can’t get through together.
I’m over-simplifying this, I know. But just to have a sense that, whatever we are facing, we can at least talk it over and work through it together, that is really empowering. It frees us up to be better people, and it frees me up to be a better feminist. I know there’s a lot of push and pull from feminists about relationships, and that was part of the reason I wanted to start this series – to show that every feminist tackles her or his relationship differently, and that’s part of what being a feminist is all about. I find it sort of unfortunate that being an independent woman in this century often means we feel we need to choose between a relationship and our independence, and I don’t think that’s necessarily the case if you’re in the right relationship. Personally, I feel myself growing and sort of coming into myself every day more so now than when I was single. I really am becoming Ms. Ashley Lauren, if you will. I know that won’t always be the case, and for every two steps forward I may take a step back at some point, but hey. That’s life! Single or not, everything cannot be 100% our way or the highway every single time, and it’s all a growing process. Change is inevitable, whether you’re changing your name or your living situation or your marital status, or even just your clothes when you crawl into bed at night. It is being adaptable to change that makes us human, women, and alive. And here I am: Changing, yes, which can be intensely difficult, but also making a lot of personal progress in spite of the tears and the doubts and the screaming and the puffy eyes. Or maybe I’m making a lot of personal progress because of the tears and doubts and screaming and puffy eyes. Maybe now that I’m free to hash out these relationship issues with the one I love, I am also free to hash out other issues as well. I truly do not know, but I do know that whatever is going on, it seems to be working more than it fails.
If you came to this post looking for answers, you probably didn’t find any. That’s because I don’t have any. I’m not going to pretend to know anything more about relationships than any of you. But I do know that, most of the time, I do feel really happy. And when I don’t feel all that happy, I know that this, too, shall pass, and in the end of it all, I will be loved. And that really is all you need.
BlogHer Voice of the Week!
August 24th, 2010I’ve been so busy with school starting and last-minute wedding details (only 46 more days!!!) that I haven’t been able to even think about blogging or responding to the many *wonderful* guest posts collecting dust in my inbox, but I wanted to just let you all know that guest blogger, Gwenn Liberty Seemel is this week’s BlogHer Voice of the Week! And they found the post through Small Strokes! So that’s pretty cool, and definitely worth a congratulations to Gwenn!
Horray!
And now, I must return to my teacherly duties. I promise I shall return before long! And while you’re waiting, submit your guest posts! I promise I won’t ignore them for too long! 🙂
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Do Me A Favor
August 23rd, 2010Thank a teacher today. As teachers are busy setting up classrooms and welcoming students into their room, making safe spaces for ideas and conversation and learning, teacher bashing like is described in this article is happening in the media.
School is more than just test scores, and good teaching cannot always be measured by numbers.
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Creating a Google Calendar with Assignment Attachements for your Students
August 21st, 2010Today’s post is a video tutorial I created that will show you, in 5 minutes, how to create a Google Calendar that you can share with your students in order to show them what is going on in your classroom. This calendar will be complete with attachments that you can upload to give them notes, assignments, or whatever you want.
To view this video, click on the play button in the middle of the video below. If you want to make it full screen, click on the little monitor button on the bottom, right corner of the video. A transcript for the video is after the jump.
(Also, I’m hoping to make these 5-minute technology tutorials a regular thing, so if you like this one or have suggestions for improvement, please leave them in the comments or email me at ashley@equality101.net!)
Why Feminism and Relationships?
August 17th, 2010Some people here and there have been arguing recently that there are more important things that we feminists could be writing about than issues pertaining to relationships. People are dying because of lack of access to health care, bullying, and discrimination. Women are being told what they can and cannot do with their bodies. Racism, homophobia, transphobia, fat shaming, street harassment, and all sorts of other bad attitudes are permeating our culture. Women are pitting themselves against other women, not helping feminism at all.
So, I’d say, you’re partly right. There are lots of other important things that we feminists could be writing about besides issues pertaining to relationships.
But, you know, you all seem to have those topics covered. There seems to be nothing I can say about this myriad of issues that you all haven’t said more eloquently. And, trust me, if there was something I had to say that seemed even remotely original, I’d write it.
You know what I haven’t seen so much of, though? A theoretical and practical discussion about how men and women are to coexist in relationships with one another. And not just men and women! Feminists in any kind of relationships seem to struggle with the idea that, when you love someone and decide to share even part of your life with that person, there is inevitably some co-dependence and compromise. As they say, inevitably someone has to do the laundry and cook the food. You might even have to share bank accounts and buy furniture together. (Which is scarier?! I don’t know.) With those shared responsibilities comes a merging of two individual lives, and this can cause the loss of some independence.
And us feminists like our independence, don’t we?
But we also seem to find ourselves in love from time to time, and with that love comes tension, arguments, agreement, middle ground, a different definition of equity and equality in our personal lives. Hopefully, that love also comes with strength, cooperation, growth, collaboration, balance.
I think young feminists struggle with this more than we’d like to let on. We’re unsure of how to maintain a relationship and our independence at the same time. We’re freaked out by commitment because it inevitably means losing something of ourselves, even if it means we’re gaining something better. Even in the most wonderful, equitable, balanced relationships, we’re still giving up other possibilities in our lives to be with this person, and that can be a terrifying thing.
Which is why I think it’s important to talk about these issues through a feminist lens. I cannot tell you how many times people have e-mailed, tweeted, facebooked, or commented that they’re going through the exact same thing, and they’re so happy to hear that they’re not alone in trying to navigate their relationships as feminists. I also think it’s important to have you share your own ideas about this instead of me just spouting out mine (although I do a fair amount of that, too) because, for as many feminists as are out there, there are as many ways to exist in relationships.
So, thank you so much for your kind words, e-mails, comments, and guest posts so far. Keep it coming! Please consider submitting a guest post if you haven’t already, or even if you have already and have something else to say! Especially if you are in a kind of relationship that hasn’t been represented here yet. Thank you, also, for reminding us all that there are many important facets of feminism and many important issues that still need to be dealt with. While I will be continuing to explore relationships (and teaching, and a current event or piece of pop culture here and there) here, I’m glad there are other feminists out there talking about those other important issues. Hopefully, together, we can use all our small strokes to collectively fell the big oaks of oppression.
This is What a Feminist Couple Looks Like
August 14th, 2010Speaking of feminism and relationships…
This is what a feminist couple looks like!
Complete with his and hers wedding-style aprons, courtesy of Tim’s sister, Elly, also pictured here. Further proof that we plan on sharing household duties equally! And in style!
Remember to submit your guest posts on feminism and relationships!
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Getting to Know You, Human Scavenger Hunt Edition
August 11th, 2010I love the first few days of school. The nervousness, the sleepless nights leading up to it, the not knowing if people will like me, the picking out outfits and setting them out the night before, the packing lunches and leaving post-it notes so I don’t leave it behind me in the fridge on the rush to get out the door…
Wait a minute! Now that I think about it, the first few days of school are just as difficult and nerve-wracking now as when I was in high school! But they’re also really exciting. I get to meet the students I’ll be interacting with for the rest of the year and start off on the right foot. When you think about it, as a teacher, the first few days of school are crucial. You need to make the right impression, and part of that is learning about your students right off the bat. Savvy students know immediately which teachers are the ones who are going to care about them and welcome opinions and open discussion. There are many ways to set the tone for the year. Personally, I prefer to get to know the students right away through a human scavenger hunt. Read the rest of this entry “
Minor Meltdowns
August 10th, 2010Hey there, readers! Sorry I haven’t posted for a few days. I’ve actually been dealing with a lot of wedding stuff that I’m just trying to get done before school starts on Monday, and it’s been both fun and trying. I think the most difficult part is something that I’ve even worked on mentally preparing myself for, but still gets to me every so often: body image.
I’ve written about body image before. I did a guest series on body image, too. I’ve been so fed up with ads everywhere (especially Facebook – anyone else notice this?) telling me about wedding weightloss programs and making me feel that, no matter how happy I was with my body, I’d better get my butt in gear and start getting off that last stubborn 5 pounds that I created the This is What a Beautiful Bride Looks Like Tumblr to which people can submit their wedding pictures to show the world what real beauty is.
For as much as I’ve thought about this topic and written about it – and made sure to actively think positively about myself – you’d think I’d be prepared for things that might throw me into a downward spiral of body hate and would have an artillery of various weapons to use against anything negative my brain could throw at me. But I wasn’t prepared for this past week at all, mostly because it never occurred to me that this might be a problem.
Within a span of three days, I had a dress fitting, a makeup trial (because you do that sort of thing to make sure it looks right), and a bridal shower. This doesn’t really mean much as three separate events, but put it together and this is what I got: First, a dress fitting during which it was difficult to lace up the back of my dress and almost impossible to breathe and sit in the dress at the same time. (A side note here: I have not gained any weight since I bought the dress. It always fit snugly. But your wedding-brain doesn’t work like your real-brain, and this sort of thing can spiral you into self-doubt.) Then, a makeup trial right before the bridal shower for Tim’s side of the family. With lots of pictures. So I could see what the makeup looked like in the pictures. And as soon as I saw these pictures, even in the little window behind the digital camera, I could tell that my biggest wedding-related fear had come true.
I didn’t even look like myself.
Here, I’ll prove it to you. Exhibit A: An engagement photo of Tim and me, courtesy of Jason Samsa, taken on October 9, 2009 – exactly one year pre-wedding.
And, just in case you can’t see my hair (because that’s part of this whole thing), here’s another one.
I know. Adorable, right? I did my own hair, my own makeup, and Jason took it from there.
And here’s a picture of me and Tim from the shower, which was held this past Saturday.
I did my own hair, but it’s significantly longer, and I had my makeup done as a trial for the wedding. You’re probably looking at these pictures not seeing much of a difference because of the small resolution of the photos, but trust me, there’s a difference. Granted, light might be a part of it, but in the top two photos, I feel I look sparkly, happy, almost glowing. In the last photo, I feel I look dull, stressed, and happy, but not glowing.
I know I’m nit-picking here, and maybe you all are looking at these pictures thinking I have no idea what I’m talking about. But the point is, I just don’t feel I looked right this past weekend, and considering this is more or less how I’m supposed to look on my wedding day – a day that is centered around love and image – I had a little bit of a meltdown. I hated my hair; I love it much better when it’s short, but I wanted to be able to put it up so have been growing it since we got engaged. I hated my makeup; there was so much on me that I don’t usually wear that I just felt… flat. And I still felt determined to get to the gym if for no other reason than just to make the dress a little more comfortable.
So I cried. And cried and cried and cried. I cried to my maid-of-honor; I cried to my mom; I cried to Tim. I didn’t look like myself; I didn’t feel like myself; I felt lost. 1
This was a lot like feeling lost in the first few weeks of living with Tim. I all of a sudden felt like I was a bad feminist, worried about nothing but my own vanity, yet realizing that there’s nothing more important to me at this moment than being able to feel like myself.
I wish I could end this post with an uplifting story about how this was all resolved and how I feel so much better. But, the fact of the matter is, it hasn’t really been resolved. My maid-of-honor and my mom both talked me into playing around with the makeup to find something I really liked. They also talked me into trying my hair a few ways to see if I want to cut it all off before the wedding, which I might just do. Mostly, everyone was just really supportive and helpful, making me realize that I’m really not losing anything of myself, that this can all be fixed, and that, sometimes, a good long cry and a little girl time can be better as a stress-reliever than any amount of pampering or exercising or wine.
This post is part of an ongoing series about feminism and relationships. Have something to say? Submit a guest post to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com! And, of course, you can always comment here!
A Reflection On My Choices
August 7th, 2010OK, so I just said I was extremely privileged in my relationship/marriage/wedding-planning. Why, then, did I decide to get married, since I do feel very strongly about marriage equality and not everyone has the right to get legally married at this point in time? Why, too, did I decide to have a big, white wedding, since I abhor patriarchal symbolism and, really, what else is a wedding but a whole bunch of patriarchal symbolism wrapped up in a big party?
(You all might not be curious about these things. But I want to write about them, and this is my blog. So there! 😉 )
The easy answer to both of those questions, and the one completely ignorant of my privilege, is simply: I don’t know. Part of me would like to play the it-all-happened-so-fast-and-felt-like-the-right-thing-to-do card and call it a day, but that isn’t really true. I’ve been thinking of ways to subvert the patriarchal stereotypes of weddings since I was in 7th grade an announced that I wanted to have a green wedding dress (ironically, one that looked EXACTLY like this in my 13-year-old brain. Don’t believe me? Ask any of my best friends; they’ll tell you this is no joke, although they probably thought it was at the time). Then again, when I was in undergrad, I announced – along with many of my other liberal-minded friends, that I didn’t really want to get married and that simply cohabiting would be perfect for me. Perhaps surprisingly, my sentiments echoed this post that so upset me rather strongly. It wasn’t until just before Tim proposed – when I had a strong sense that it was coming soon – that I seriously started thinking about my wedding. Our wedding. Because it wasn’t just about me anymore. And, honestly, the preliminary thoughts resembled more of a backyard BBQ than the big, white, soiree we are in the midst of planning right now.
So what changed? Let’s tackle the wedding part of this question first, since that seems easiest to explain. Quite simply, the decision to go for the big party stemmed from the fact that we just couldn’t cut the guest list down to the size of a backyard BBQ. We wanted everyone who meant something to us to be there! (Well, almost everyone. Guest lists really are horrible and awkward beasts when it comes right down to it.) Coming from rather large families and having a bunch of good friends, this shot the guest list up to soiree-sized in no time. Why go for the white dress instead of the green, you ask? Well, I grew out of the I <3 everything Renaissance a while ago and, besides, was there a time period during which women were more oppressed than the Renaissance?! So why not at least have a modern dress that shows some skin… because, right now, I can. And why white? The answer is easy: I fell in love with the 6th dress I tried on. If I didn’t, I may have looked at different colors and options, but I did, and I still love it every time I look at it. And if there’s one day in your life to have the dress you love, it should be your wedding day.
Now, you can argue that I was socialized to love the white dress and that if the media wasn’t so white-dress-bridal-gown heavy that I wouldn’t have made that decision. That may be true, but the fact of the matter is, I fell in love with the dress. I love the way it makes me look and the way it makes me feel, so I got it. That’s pretty much all there is to it. I know, I know, you can’t just ignore patriarchal symbolism that has existed for centuries surrounding the white dress as a symbol of blah blah blah… Actually, yes I can. How can you change stereotypes without turning them inside out and making them your own, all the while showing everyone else how it’s done? Our wedding is going to be one great big party, not a political statement. And trust me, we’re not doing anything we’re really uncomfortable with (ahem… garter toss…) and we are doing quite a bit to subtly subvert the traditions and stereotypes surrounding weddings. (I’ll write more about that later, as the day approaches.)
Next up: Why marriage? Why enter willingly into this patriarchal institution that has been a form of ownership since… always? Why not wait until everyone has the same rights as a sort of protest against the government?
These are good questions, and I’m surprised no one has called me out on this before, because I fear I don’t have a good answer. But I’ll do my best.
I chose marriage because I believe in marriage and, more importantly, partnership. I believe that a strong and supportive marriage can not only make two separate lives feel whole, but can serve as an example of grace and love and strength and social consciousness and devotion and individuality and support. You may say that I don’t need a piece of paper to have these things; lots of people do it without the legal aspect – lots of people can’t even have that legal aspect. To which I say: you’re right. I don’t need a piece of paper to say that I love Tim and he loves me and we’ll be together through it all. But I am the type of person who needs milestones to mark off different points of my life – birthdays, new jobs, the beginning of each school year… a ceremony. Hence, the wedding. Could we have a ceremony without the legal paper signing? Sure. But I’m honestly just not sure what difference it would make.
I believe that everyone in this world has a right to love and decide to spend their lives with whomever they choose, and I believe that strongly. I am privileged in this respect; I can decide to do that and then do it. Many of my friends, students, people I respect and care for deeply do not have that right. However – and this may just show how deep my privilege runs – I just do not understand not getting married as a protest. For one thing, as an unmarried couple living together, you’re actually paying the government more money in taxes. For another thing, it just doesn’t seem like a very effective protest. I mean, show me an effective protest, a petition, a march on the streets, a school demonstration, a boycott and I’m there. But this doesn’t seem very organized; it just seems like a smattering of people saying they won’t get married until everyone can. So, instead, we’ve chosen to work together through our marriage to fight for marriage equality and against oppression. You might say this is me justifying my selfishness and my privilege, and that’s fair. But if that’s what you’re going to say, please explain how this type of protest is effective because I really don’t see it. I’ve looked for explanations and asked around, but I simply can’t find something comprehensive on this topic.
As far as entering willingly into this patriarchal institution that has traditionally been another form of ownership, and not being able to ignore centuries of oppression in the form of marriage etc., etc., I refer you to my response to a similar argument about my white dress: How can you change stereotypes without turning them inside out and making them your own, all the while showing everyone else how it’s done? My wedding may not be an overtly political statement, but my marriage will. We’re really excited about getting married and showing the world what an equitable marriage and supportive partnership looks like. We’re excited to make a difference hand-in-hand. We’re excited to take on the world.
And, frankly, finding not only the person who makes me deliriously happy, shout-off-the-rooftops in love and who respects me, and is ready to fight to make a difference with me is reason enough for a wedding, a marriage, and a lifetime.
This post is part of an ongoing series about feminism and relationships. Have something to say? Submit a guest post to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com! And, of course, you can always comment here!
Privilege and Weddings and Marriage
August 4th, 2010I am privileged. Extremely privileged. And there seems no better way than planning a wedding to remind me of this. All. The. Time.
I am a heterosexual, cis female so I can actually plan a wedding and get legally married in the state of Illinois when so many others can’t.
I am white, thin, young, and able bodied, so when I look at wedding magazines and blogs, I see women who resemble myself and it isn’t hard for me to see myself in the clothes, dresses, shoes, accessories, etc. that the women are wearing in these magazines.
I am economically privileged, and so is my fiance and our families. We may not be the best off in the world, but Tim and I both have jobs, and so do all of our parents. So, when we see things in these magazines and catalogues that we want for our wedding, we do have to stay in budget, but we can have that big party with all of our friends and family without worrying about it too much.
I have the support of my family and friends while entering into this marriage. I also have the privilege to be able to discuss whether or not to change my name or whether or not to have children as private matters with my fiance, and I will have the support of him and our family and friends in whatever decision we make.
There is probably, unfortunately, a small minority of people out there, of which I am a part, who actually do think about these privileges every time we enter a bridal store or open a wedding magazine or read a wedding blog or, heck, write about feminism and relationships. But I do believe that the number of people who consider their privileges while planning a wedding or negotiating a relationship is growing; look at all of the wonderful feedback and guest posts I’m receiving on this blog for example. There are smart, interesting, progressive people out there with lots of things to say about relationships – from weddings to marriage to cohabitation to dating and every variant thereof… and more. And it seems evident to me that these people are examining at least some of their privileges as they examine their relationships. Maybe it isn’t overtly stated (as it isn’t with many of my personal posts about relationships and weddings and marriage), but I think the very nature of examining relationships under a feminist lens leads to examining privilege within those relationships as well. At least, I hope so. And that is what I’ve been trying to flesh out a bit with this series.
I also think that one important aspect of feminism is, obviously, equality and, moreso in terms of relationships, equity (I’ll do the laundry if I have time, and Tim will do it if he has time. Is it always equal? No. But it is equitable.). And, as bell hooks often posited, the best place to start examining and changing sexism is in the home, since that is often our first experience with a patriarchal power dynamic. Maybe I’m one of the few people that believe that we really can fell big oaks with small strokes, but what better way to change the world than by examining our own relationships and putting forth an ideal of equality and equity within the home for our children, who then will hopefully grow up to do the same?
That all said, I hope those who have looked at this series with skepticism, thinking “Oh here’s another privileged girl adding to the wedding craze” or “We could be doing such better things with our time than talking about relationships and weddings” now have a better understanding of my rationale behind starting the series, and keeping it going – and it is still going! And I don’t discriminate in the posts I publish in this series, so as long as you follow my guidelines, I’m happy to publish posts with different perspectives. In fact, that’s the idea here – I want to publish posts with different perspectives! So send them my way! Hopefully, with lots of posts, we can all start examining our privileges and relationships with a new point of view.
This post is part of an ongoing series about feminism and relationships. Have something to say? Submit a guest post to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com! And, of course, you can always comment here!
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Switch it up!
August 1st, 2010Today, the harbinger of the end of summer arrived in my mailbox: the back-to-school packet, complete with my parking pass, my institute day schedule, a few announcements, and what every teacher rips open the envelope to see immediately: my schedule for the year. It wasn’t any different than what I’d expected; I’ll have five classes of English 2 this year which is a combination of speech and English literature/language. It’s a really fun class with a great curriculum: we get to give really fun and funny speeches, study persuasive rhetoric in many forms (my favorite are the commercials!), read great books like Anthem by Ayn Rand, drama like A Raisin in the Sun by Lorraine Hansberry, and nonfiction like excerpts from Stiff by Mary Roach.
Teaching five of the same classes all day can have it’s benefits and drawbacks. On one hand, I’ll have lots of time to reflect on what happened earlier in the day and improve it for my later classes while also being able to easier plan ahead. I’ll also only have to plan for one class every day rather than two or three, freeing up some time for better grading and responding to student work. On the other hand, though, when I collect a set of papers, I’ll be collecting five classes worth which, if you figure I have 25 students per class, makes 125 papers. Also, teaching the same thing five times in a row can get, well, repetitive. Luckily, I’ve devised a way to retain the ability to reflect on and improve my lessons for later classes and keep the same amount of free time while splitting up the paper load and the repetitiveness! Read the rest of this entry “
Seriously. This again?
August 1st, 2010Could people please stop telling other people that “Just because someone says they’re a feminist doesn’t mean they are one! Look at Sarah Palin!” or “People who say they’re feminists do unfeminist things! Look at Sarah Palin!” or “Just because you’re a woman and say you’re a feminist doesn’t mean you are one. Look at Sarah Palin!” or my personal favorite “Just because you have [insert any female body part here] and say you’re a feminist doesn’t make the choices you make feminist. Look at Sarah Palin!”
There are a number of things wrong with these statements but I’ll only address a few.
1. You’re parroting. And it’s annoying. Mostly because WE GET IT! Find a new unfeminist scapegoat. Or an argument that actually shows some critical thinking. Please.
2. There’s a monumental difference between being a feminist while participating in some sort of feminist activism every single day but then deciding to, say, have a big white wedding or to take you’re husband’s last name and, oh I dunno… BEING SARAH PALIN.
3. Regarding that last statement about [insert any female body part here]: You really shouldn’t assume all women have these body parts. Ovaries, for example. (That’s the one I see most commonly used.) Not all women have them for a variety of reasons. And reducing women to their body parts for any reason, least of all to make a snarky argument, is pretty darn unfeminist, don’t you think?
So. In conclusion, please stop using Sarah Palin as your fallback argument to say someone or something is unfeminist. Most of the time it is irrelevant and annoying. Next time, try to come up with something that displays some critical thought, something that actually adds to the discussion, or if you can’t do that, at least something more creative.
THANK YOU!