Posts by Ashley:
- I will shuffle the card once and never again.
- I must take the top card no matter what it says.
- I have as long as I need to write the post for that card – could be a week, could be a month, could be 20 minutes. This is casual.
- One post per card.
- One card per 24-hour period (so if I do finish in 20 minutes, I can’t take another one that day. I have to wait.)
- No peeking ahead.
- I may or may not use the book of explanations. I can do whatever I want with that.
- Each post will be tagged “observation deck” and titled “Observations: The Text of the Card” (so if the text of the card is “test the limits,” the title of that post will be “Observations: Test the Limits.”)
- The BEAUTIFUL cake and cupcakes
- Women are trained from a young age to make men happy. When the word “no” is uttered, they see that as a finality.
- Women aren’t really allowed to have “deal breakers” late in a relationship, or at least after it’s been decided (albeit tentatively) that there’s a possibility of a long-term.
- If a woman brought up that she wouldn’t change her name and the man dumped her, it would be seen as her fault – a destructive thing for a woman – not his fault for being inflexible or unwilling to talk.
- Women often don’t bring this up early in the relationship, when a discussion could be productive. Rather, they wait until they are engaged and at that point would rather have the marriage than the name.
- Men often aren’t open to discussion on such matters, and that can shoot down any possibility of discussion.
- Men have probably pictured their lives as Mr. and Mrs. Whatever and as soon as an idea is brought up that it may not be that way, their knee-jerk reaction is that that isn’t how it is supposed to be. And that’s what they’re vocalizing.
- I can’t even think of a time that a man has asked a woman if she’d prefer to keep her name. I might do a little jig if I heard that happen.
- Men have something about carrying on their lineage, and if a woman doesn’t take his name, then his family line stops with him. They are also unable to see that children and family lines don’t really enter in to this discussion, because you can name your children whatever you want. If lineage is that important, you could consider the possibility of them having the man’s last name, but I think they probably don’t see that.
Quick Hit: Another Tradition I Could Do Without
November 7th, 2010Did you know that the tradition of saving the top tier of the wedding cake for consumption one year later originated in the 19th century when people believed that, after a wedding, a christening wouldn’t be that far off, so they would justify having tiered cakes by saying they’d save the top tier for the christening of their first baby?
For real. It’s on the bottom of this page.
I’m so eating the top tier of my wedding cake tonight.
From Feminist Wedding to Feminist Wife: Cleaning House and Letting Go
November 6th, 2010I absolutely cannot wait to tell you all about my wedding ceremony and all of the wonderful personal touches we added that made our nods toward traditional wedding ceremonies feel completely unique. But I really feel these stories will not be complete without their accompanying pictures, and since we do not have our CD of pictures yet (we have the proofs, but they all say PROOF across them in big letters, so that does me absolutely no good!), you’ll have to wait on that. But it is coming, I promise!
In the meantime, it’s time for a little story. This story is about our wedding preparation, organized chaos, and our guest room. And weddings and feminism, of course.
In the weeks before our wedding, when the countdown was reaching its final days, our guest room/office (where I am sitting right now, actually) was almost filled to capacity. The entire double bed was covered with gifts that we were preparing to give our parents, bridal party, and other friends and family who had helped us out. The floor was covered with gifts we had received that were sent to us before the wedding and that we hadn’t had a chance to put away. My desk was covered with to do lists and receipts and post-it notes with reminders not to forget last minute things. Mr. Samsanator’s desk was covered with lord knows what, but, then again, it’s always covered with something. (He is a fan of organized chaos. I am, too, but I like mine in drawers and closets rather than out in the open.) The corner next to my desk was off-limits to all but me, and reserved for bags and boxes of printed material – programs, place cards, thank you notes, extra invitations. The spaces between this stuff, and sometimes spilling out into the family room, were filled with stuff we had to remember to bring to the venue the night before – champagne toasting flutes, the cake cutting set, the wish jar, my shoes. It was chaos. I so wish I had a picture of what our guest room looked like in the weeks before the wedding, because this is no exaggeration. The room was filled to the brim, and those of you who know me well, you know that I would absolutely never let this happen under normal circumstances. But these were no normal circumstances, after all.
However, that didn’t stop my guest room from being the bane of my existence. I’d leave the door closed to hide the mess and wouldn’t go in there unless it was really necessary. Every few days, I’d try to unload some of the gifts we received and put them away, but it never seemed to make a dent. I was at the point where I was just short of having panic attacks thinking about all the work left to be done and the post-wedding to do list getting longer and longer before the pre-wedding to do list was even finished. I wanted desperately to write more and sit at my desk and seek comfort in this blog at the very least, but I just couldn’t even bring myself to go in the room to get my computer out of it.
In short, it just wasn’t pretty.
My feelings about our guest room were very similar to my feelings about being a feminist and planning a wedding. Since Mr. Samsanator asked the question: “Will you do me the honor of becoming Ms. Ashley Samsanator?”1, I was consumed with guilt and doubts. Could I be a feminist and plan the wedding I wanted? Could I have a big, white wedding full of privilege and traditional gender roles while still keeping what was important to me at the core of the event? I was just overtaken by thoughts of how I could subvert all of the patriarchal norms that came with weddings, but also with thoughts of how I just didn’t want to subvert some of them. Some of those norms I really liked, and I felt bad about it because I knew what they meant and wanted to go through with them anyway.
If you’re regular readers of this blog, you know most of this already because you’ve been reading about it for over a year now. I wasn’t concerned with being a bad feminist so much as I was concerned with doing things at this wedding that I may not be able to live with later down the line.
In this way, my thoughts were becoming organized chaos very much like the guest room. These thoughts piled up, each with their own little place so I could find them on command, but the piles were so high I was unable to clean them out. If I could clean out a few, it didn’t even make a dent, and the holes were only filled up with other thoughts and concerns. Only, my thoughts didn’t have a door I could close to let them rumble around unnoticed while I sat on the couch and watched TV.
About three weeks before the wedding, though, I gave in. I let it all go. Enough was enough, and it was time to enjoy the rest of the process. I don’t know why it was three weeks before the wedding. Maybe it was because the details had all been planned and it was what it was. Maybe it was because the excitement was greater than the worry (mostly). Maybe it was because I was finally seeing the big picture come together, and the message of the big picture was far greater than that of the smaller details. Maybe it was all of the above. All I know, though, is that there was a clear moment when I was able to quiet the feminist in my head and just enjoy the rest of the process worry-free.
Similarly with the guest room, I was able to leave the door open and look in, saying to myself, Don’t worry, Ashley. It’ll all get done in time, and now is not the time.
The day before the wedding, we were able to clear off the bed of all the gifts for friends and family and pass them out at the rehearsal. It felt right to be able to thank these people so personally. Also at the rehearsal, when we ran through the ceremony with the music and the trumpet fanfare began at the beginning of “All You Need is Love,” I felt my mom and dad on either side of me grip my elbows a bit tighter and saw the tears streaming down their face – tears of pride, joy, anguish, remembrance, relief. This was clarity. This was feminism. This was family. This was love.
This was what a wedding should be about.
Those worries and that messy guest room were all worth it because they led me to that moment, making me comfortable in this love surrounding me and firm in my resolve to use this love to do good in the world.
I spent the night before the wedding at my mom’s house, and we spent the night of the wedding in the hotel with the rest of the guests. When we came home the next day, I walked past the guest room and, though it was far from organized, I realized Mr. Samsanator had spent some time cleaning the night before the wedding, and much of the clutter was gone. We stood there in the room, looking at the remnants of the night before and thinking of what was to come and what was left to be done, and I realized much of the feminist clutter in my brain was gone, as well. His love and the love that surrounded us had helped me clear it out, and though the worries of who I am to become in this new partnership have far from completely disappeared – just like the guest room is still a hub for straggling gifts and other things we’re just not sure what to do with – I know that we’ll be in this together, and that he’ll step in when least expected (and most needed) to help clean house.
Comments Off on From Feminist Wedding to Feminist Wife: Cleaning House and Letting Go
A Feminist Wife: “If you think being married is hard…
November 5th, 2010… wait till you have kids!”
I should have known this would be the most common comment I’d receive when I said marriage is hard. Of course, it was more or less a tie between that, “grow up” and “stop whining.” Oh, and “take a breath.” The latter three bother me, but nothing bothers me more than when moms tell me that absolutely nothing is harder than having kids. And then, when I tell them we don’t plan on having kids, they push their childbearing agenda on me (“But it’s such a blessing!” “Oh, I said that, too, when I was your age. You’ll change your mind.” “Well, what are you and Tim going to do if you don’t have kids?”), which is really kind of funny to hear after I’ve just heard them complaining about how having kids is the hardest thing in the world.
Here’s the thing. Having kids is hard, I imagine. I mean, shoot, I deal with kids all day and I can’t imagine the stresses involved with dealing with your own kids for the rest of your life. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s harder than being married. It’s just a different kind of hard, and an adjustment from the life you lived before. It’s just like when we were in college and we would say that college was hard and people would say, “You think college is hard, wait till you have a job!” And I just think that’s ridiculous, too. Sure, having a job is hard. Having responsibilities that come along with that job (and the apartment and the car and the other things you buy with the money from that job) is hard. But college is hard, too, in a different way. My job is extremely difficult and stressful at times, but I’d take this job – heck, I’d take the job SEARCH – over undergrad any day. The all-nighters, the endless papers, the studying-tell-I-dropped, the computer crashing in the middle of term paper writing, the boyfriends who broke my heart, the anxiety, the depression… Sure, there were good times and I met some of the best friends I’ve ever had in undergrad, but I absolutely would not go back to that time in my life if you paid me. Similarly, if (and it’s a big if at this point) Tim and I have children, sure it’ll be hard, but in a different way than marriage is hard. And, most likely, I’ll never want to go back to it being just the two of us again, even if you paid me, because I will love my children with all my might, but that doesn’t really make having them any more or less hard than being married is. No matter what phase of your life you are in – high school, college, job training, working, marriage, motherhood – they’re all huge adjustments, and all very difficult in their own way. And if you find something difficult as you are living it, you’re absolutely allowed to think that thing is difficult. I mean, of course there are harder things in life than being married. I could be jobless, homeless, starving… any number of things. But that doesn’t make being married less hard; saying these things only attempts to make me feel guilty for admitting that being married is hard. And that doesn’t really help anyone.
Right now, I’m working on being married, I’m new at it, and I probably am not very good at it yet. And it’s hard right now, but it is also amazing and hilarious and comfortable right now. I’m just trying to get it to be amazing/hilarious/comfortable more often than it is hard. I’ll deal with the rest of life’s situations if and when I get there.
The fact of the matter is, lots of people just think that marriage – and especially being a newlywed – is all happiness and butterflies and picking out matching china patterns, and it isn’t always that way. Lots of these people who are trying to tell me that having kids is so much harder have been married for quite some time. Perhaps, for them, marriage is total bliss because they’ve made the adjustment and they cannot remember how difficult it was, or they expect that everyone will make the transition as easily as they did, or they long for some alone time with their husbands. And the other fact of the matter is that, for many of my friends and readers who are not yet married but who are headed that way, I know that these posts are helping them deal with issues they may be facing right now or expect to face in the near future. So, regardless of these comments, my goal for the next year at least is to post candidly and honestly about the joys and pitfalls of being married while feminist. And I have the same philosophy about this as I do about teaching: If this helps just one person, then it was worth it.
A Feminist Wife: Marriage is Hard, Continued
November 2nd, 2010A fellow Twitter-er read yesterday’s post about early marriage being difficult for me and asked: “Why do you think the act of getting married changed things? I’m genuinely curious.” I responded, of course, but 140 character-bursts don’t seem to do this topic justice. So, naturally, I’m opening this up here.
Honestly, I’m not sure why it seemed to be the act of getting married that changed everything so suddenly, but I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. A few of my friends who have “lived in sin” for a time and then got married expressed the same concerns – everything was all of a sudden different after the wedding. Of course, I don’t think there’s only one answer to this question, and I think everyone’s situation is different. For some, it may be a fear of entrapment or lack of a way out. That’s not it for me, though. If I was worried about having a way out, I wouldn’t have married him – plain and simple.
I believe things are so different because our lives changed so drastically while we were planning our wedding, and we were so busy planning our wedding that we didn’t really notice. We both finished our master’s program, we moved in together (HUGE change there!), we became a bit more involved in our social circles because we finally had time for it, we involved ourselves more with our work because we finally had time for it. But over all of this change of pace (and place) hung The Wedding – the biggest, most challenging, most time-consuming, most personal thing either of us have ever done. And while we planned this wedding, we analyzed and discussed and talked and fought, but we weren’t analyzing and discussing and talking about and fighting about our relationship – even though it seemed like we were at times because weddings have to do with relationships, right? They are, but they are not in a lot of ways. And discussing and analyzing a wedding is a far cry from discussing and analyzing a relationship.
Had we not had a wedding at all, would we have spent more time figuring out “us”? Probably. But I learned more about him and his family and how we interact with our families and how we purchase things and decide things in the 14 months we were engaged than I did in the year and a half before that we had been dating. And that’s important stuff, too. I just think that we spent so much time both on the things I just mentioned and looking forward to the wedding date that we just didn’t notice all of the changing dynamics happening around us – even the way we talk to our families and our friends is different now. And it always would have changed, wedding or not, but I just didn’t notice it until I had a chance to breathe and take a look around.
So, did the wedding cause all this distress? No. Tim putting that ring on my finger didn’t do anything that wouldn’t have happened had we commited our lives to each other in any other way. But I do believe the stress and busy-ness and preoccupation brought upon by planning The Wedding either hid what was going on or forced us to push it aside in favor of more pressing matters.
Now, with the wedding over and with grad school over and with the moving in together over, we really have nothing left to focus on but ourselves and each other. And that can be scary and, truth be told, not so romantic. But also necessary and fulfilling and worth it in the end. So I’m told. 🙂
Chicago Feminists Book Club!
November 2nd, 2010The Chicago feminists have a book club! If you’re in the Chicago area and would like to participate in a real-life in-person book club, join us! I anticipate meeting bi-monthly somewhere centrally located in the city, with our first meeting on December 29 at 6:30 PM. To get all the info, join our Goodreads group: http://www.goodreads.com/group/show/39924.Chifems_Book_Club and be sure to vote for our first book!
If you’re not in Chicago and want to read along, you’re welcome to do so. We’ll put all the discussion questions and a recap of any interesting points that arise at our meetings on the Goodreads page.
Happy reading!
Comments Off on Chicago Feminists Book Club!
A Feminist Wife: Being Married is Hard
November 1st, 2010Being married is hard.
Well, it is. Three weeks in, at least.
There have been so many times these past few weeks when I’ve thought to myself that I might as well have changed my name because everything about my life has changed, so why not the name? I feel like a different person; maybe it really would have been appropriate to assume a different identity in name as well.
I feel different. The first week, I felt tired. The second week, I felt relaxed. This third week, I’ve felt nothing but worried. And exhausted from worrying. And worried about worrying. I feel like I’ve done nothing but worry about money (How is it that we never seem to have enough money for anything, even though – in theory – we have plenty or money for everything?), worry about family (How long do these wedding-related grudges last, anyway?), worry about friendship and closeness (We don’t even cuddle on the couch any more.). I don’t have time to blog or chat, which was supposed to be my next project. My after-work time is spent ironing my clothes and making my lunch for the next day so I can get up at 4:45 in the morning to work out and have a slim chance at actually feeling good about myself. On top of that, I don’t have money to buy that new pair of glasses that I so desperately need (my current pair is 8 YEARS OLD) let alone the external hard drive I’ve been eying so I don’t lose all of my pictures and documents LIKE I DID TODAY. (Don’t worry, I poked around enough and recovered everything. But still.)
I told myself I’d go into this marriage and nothing would change. I’d still be the audacious social activist I always was – even better because now I don’t have to worry about a wedding. I wouldn’t do anything differently and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything because all of that stressful stuff would just be over.
I, especially, did not want to become the woman who comes home from work, cooks dinner, irons clothes, makes lunches, goes to sleep while watching TV, and turns over every penny for the “good of the family.”
And guess what I do every day after work?
Reading over this, it all sounds very “me, me, me.” And if you were thinking that yourselves, I hope you know that I absolutely agree. But when you’re fighting so hard not to give up too much of yourself for the sake of the marriage, it’s very hard not to be just a little self-centered about it. Especially when you can just start tallying off all of the things that have changed about you already. In three weeks.
So I began wondering if I should just change my name. Not really, of course, but metaphorically. I fought so hard throughout the entire wedding planning process not to be consumed and obsessed by the wedding – because that isn’t a very feminist thing to do – but in those last three weeks I just let all of that self-hate talk go and allowed myself to just go with it and become totally engrossed with it all. And, I’ve got to tell you, I was so much happier – though, perhaps that could have been because everything was almost over. We’ll never know. But this just makes me wonder if I’d be happier if I just gave into the stereotypical wifedom – become the Missus, give up my money to the joint checking account, put on the apron while I cook food and pearls while I vacuum, make the bed in the morning, wash the dishes at night, be a “good wife” in every other sense of the word.
I think I’m mostly frustrated because I’m going through this desperate internal struggle about this all, facing such changes I never even fathomed (everyone assured me I’d be able to keep my identity while married…) and Mr. Samsanator (thus christened on this blog) seems to sit idly by, hiding behind his schoolwork or sports event while I’m desperate to talk it out or, at the very least, get a hug.
I certainly don’t have any answers to this – and I’m not sure if I ever will. Once again, I hope you didn’t come here for answers about this very issue only to be disappointed. I’ll be blogging about this process of being a new, feminist wife for the foreseeable future, so hopefully I’ll have some answers for you all eventually. For now, I’m open to advice or stories about your similar experiences. Please leave them in the comments.
Dystopian Literature
November 1st, 2010Right now, I am in the midst of teaching Anthem by Ayn Rand. It isn’t the most feminist of texts (read: not feminist at all), nor does it deal with issues of race or LGBTQ or anything like that. In fact, if you were to critically examine Anthem for its dealings with any of the progressive topics of the moment, it would probably fail miserably.
But it does deal quite interestingly with the issues of difference and power. Anthemfalls under the category of dystopian literature, or literature that presents a different world – one that is supposed to be “perfect” but ends up taking away key freedoms that we, as Americans particularly, value. In Anthem, the freedom to be an individual is taken away. In books like Fahrenheit 451, it is the freedom to read and think freely. In 1984, it is the freedom of privacy. In The Giver, it is the freedom of experiencing emotions. And students can really relate to the feelings these characters experience when they lose their freedoms. Read the rest of this entry “
The Observation Deck
October 26th, 2010
The Observation Deck
My mom bought this Observation Deck for me when I was in… maybe… 6th grade? Whenever it was, it was when I first got really into writing. This kit contains a deck of 50 cards that say things like “observe a ritual” and “set limits.” There’s also a book that goes with it that explains each card.
I’ve never used the whole deck, although I have tried using it with my creative writing students when I taught the class. Now, though, I’m going to make completing this deck of 50 cards my next project. And you all get to read the writing from it. 🙂 And if you play along, put a link in the comments!
I did think about doing this over at my Tumblr because it could be more personal than political, but then I thought, But the personal is political! And, being a feminist writer, the writing I do will probably end up feminist anyway, right? Plus, I’d love your feedback.
So, here are my ground rules for myself (because every good project needs good ground rules):
Hopefully, this will improve my writing and give me somethign to do, and hopefully you’ll enjoy this, too!
Oh, and if you feel like playing along and writing posts about these cards as I go, leave a link in the comments! Self promotion is always accepted here. 🙂
A Feminist Wife: Quick Hit: How to manage a feminist wife?
October 26th, 2010This page actually exists. And people actually answered the question. I hope upon hope that it’s satire, but because I know people, I’m fairly certain it’s not.
A Feminist Wife: 2 Weeks In
October 25th, 2010
Tying the Knot
A while ago, after Tim and I first moved in together, I wrote this post, right around the time I decided I’d really like to restructure this blog and write about the things I care about and that affect me on a daily basis – namely, feminism and relationships. At the time, I really wanted to rename this blog A Feminist Wife, but I found a blog named that already (although many of the posts on there have nothing to do with being a feminist nor with being a wife…), and I didn’t really want to change my URL, so I ended up staying with Small Strokes and starting the series on feminism and relationships. Which has been awesome, by the way. Keep those guest posts coming!
Now that the wedding is over, though, I’ve decided that it might be a good idea to keep writing about feminism and relationships, but from the perspective of being a wife. There are a lot of feminist wives out there – I’ve been especially blessed to meet so many of you through this blog – but I don’t think there are a whole lot of people blogging about feminism and wifedom and how to balance the two. I also think such blogging will help those of you thinking about getting married but worried about losing a bit of yourself or not being able to remain a feminist while married. Here, then, I’ll be updating you about how I’m constantly trying to be a feminist wife, and how it really is possible to do.
Also, adding this series gave me an excuse to make cute sidebar banners to make the series easier to find for y’all (and the wedding posts, too!). Go ahead, take a look. They’re adorable!
So. Two weeks into marriage, I’ve been asked at least a dozen times: “How’s being married?” and I say the same thing every time: “It’s wonderful.” In the few weeks before the wedding, it was difficult for us not to become totally engrossed in it. We had meeting after meeting, and dinner party after dinner party. We weren’t sleeping well and we were nervous and Tim was really just trying to stay out of my way.
Now, though, it feels like Tim and I have found each other again. This feels like love and happiness and relaxation. Being with him now feels like when we first met. We’re talking and laughing and being philosophical again, and it’s just wonderful. We even had time to have breakfast on the patio the other day. At noon. Now that, friends, is the definition of love.
And we’ve only been asked when we’re having babies three times since the wedding! That’s got to be an all-time low. 🙂
Comments Off on A Feminist Wife: 2 Weeks In
Equality 101 is looking for writers!
October 25th, 2010Equality 101 is looking for some new contributing writers, and we’re keeping the call for applications open! If you’re interested, check out our guidelines, then submit the following to staff@equality101.net:
Your name
Which position you are interested in (post-secondary or middle/elementary school)
A short (3-sentence) bio including your writing experience and teaching experience
A short (2-sentence) explanation as to why you are interested in writing for Equality 101
A sample of your writing, either as an attachment or as a link
We look forward to hearing from you!
Comments Off on Equality 101 is looking for writers!
Street Harassment. While Driving.
October 23rd, 2010I wish I was making this up, but this actually happens to me quite a bit on my route to and from work.
I don’t drive on the highway because the tolls around Chicago are really expensive, and there is no way to get from my apartment to my job without going way out of my way on the highway. So I take the state route that leads directly from my apartment to my job. It takes the same amount of time, is much more direct, and is complete with several stoplights. There are days that I am stuck in traffic, stopping at every single light and unable to pass cars or move anywhere.
Many times, as I’m sitting at these stoplights, I hear a horn honking, and I look around as anyone is likely to do when they hear a horn honking, and when I look next to me, there is a man driving a car making lewd gestures in my direction. Usually, this doesn’t become a problem because I can either speed up or slow down once the light turns green. Or the guy making those motions has to be all macho and speed off just as the light changes. The other day, however, this wasn’t the case.
I was driving along, listening to some Justin Timberlake (hey, don’t judge!), when I hear a honking horn. I’m in the left lane with cars just in front and just behind me. The car honking is right next to me in the right lane. And we’re driving. That’s right, two men in this moving vehicle are honking at me and making lewd gestures and asking me to pull over. They’re driving alongside of me, knowing I can’t speed up or slow down because of the cars in front and behind me, and they’re blocking me from moving into the right lane and passing or moving behind them. And harassing me.
Not only was this extremely dangerous, but it was scary and disconcerting to say the least. Luckily, ignoring them did the trick and they eventually switched into a turn lane and turned out of sight. But it definitely shook me up. I wasn’t quite sure what to do in that situation, and I still don’t know what to do if it ever happens again. I mean, what if I got into a car accident and was stuck with these guys dealing with insurance and stuff? I could play a million what ifs; the bottom line is that it was creepy and upsetting.
Have you ever had an experience like this? If so, what did you do? How did you handle it?
Harassment in Our Schools
October 21st, 2010As I am sure we are all aware, there has been a recent wave of news stories about teenage suicides to hit the airwaves. For a while there, it seemed like almost every day there was a new story about another teenager who felt the need to end his or her life because of incessant harassment by their peers. And now, according to the media outlets, we have a bullying epidemic on our hands.
To teachers, this probably isn’t news. We’ve been dealing with bullying and issues of harassment for quite some time. There are also many, many teachers who have made it a point to include lessons on hate speech (homophobic remarks, racist remarks, sexist remarks, etc.) in our classrooms. And although I’m glad these issues are finally being picked up by major media outlets and issues of homophobia, racism, and sexism in our schools are finally getting pushed out into the open to be dealt with, it is at too high a cost. Young lives should never be lost because of harassment of any kind, and as teachers, we have a duty to our students to step up – to become activists in our classroom – and to help shift the thinking of our students and erase this type of harassment for good. Read the rest of this entry “
Fitting into Dresses
October 20th, 2010A quick story today in honor of Fat Talk Free Week (that’s this week, right? Im a lite behind…):
I was at a bridal shower for my best friend and maid of honor, Christina, this past weekend and a huge (and by huge I mean monstrous) piece of cake was placed in front of me. I looked at it in disbelief, and her fiancé said, “You’d better eat that. No more excuses about having to fit in a dress.” We all laughed at the table, and he continued: “Christina keeps saying she needs to fit into her dresses and I’m like, ‘You’ve fit into dresses and looked good your whole life. Why is this different?'”
So simple, yet so true. We often think we need to make ourselves look different for a big event by losing a few pounds, but in reality, we’re all beautiful, and the dress isn’t really what makes you glow, it’s you being you and loving and being loved.
Comments Off on Fitting into Dresses
Post-Wedding Reflection
October 18th, 2010I know you all are dying for a wedding recap from me, but the fact of the matter is I’m just not ready to do it yet. I know, I know. I can’t bask in the perfect-ness of my wedding forever. Honestly, though, I’m waiting for the professional pictures to come in so I can recreate the day for you (and for myself, a bit) with really, REALLY pretty images. 🙂 Until then, though, here are some things I learned along the way:
1. The day really does go fast. No matter how much everyone tells you that the day will go by so fast and you should savor every moment, it still goes by really fast and leaves you with a nagging feeling the next day that you cannot even remember who you talked to or what happened. It goes by so fast, in fact, that it almost takes some convincing yourself that it really is over and that you really don’t have to plan for it anymore.
2. The details do really matter. You can make fun of bridezillas all you want, but we left no stone unturned and no plan planned without some backup, and it showed. Maybe I’m biased, but I really think it did make a difference that we were so careful to plan for so many things.
3. Drink water. Lots of it. And don’t be afraid to tell your photographers and bridesmaids and all those people to just leave you alone. Sometimes you need that alone time, and sometimes having everyone in your bridal party hover over you is not helpful to your nerves.
4. And it’s OK to be nervous! I kept trying to talk myself out of being nervous the whole day, but having everyone be there just to witness the biggest decision OF YOUR LIVES is pretty nerve-wracking. All of these feelings are part of the experience, and each should be allowed to run its course.
3. Allow yourself to come down a bit afterwards. Even if you don’t take a honeymoon, be sure to take a homeymoon. Allow yourself some time to just be newlyweds, and to just be free of meetings and to do lists. It’s important! And allow yourself to be sad that it’s all over. It was a big event, and even I – the queen of OMG-I-CANNOT-WAIT-FOR-THIS-TO-BE-OVER was a little sad looking at my dress in a big white poof on the couch and throwing my dead flowers away the weekend after. And, you know what, that’s OK. I was running on adrenaline and wine and chocolate for about three months, and no matter what, when you finish anything like that (even a master’s thesis), it’s OK to be a little sad when it’s over. (I was actually sad when my thesis was written, too.)
4. Enjoy each other again when it’s over. When you’re so stressed out about planning and details, you always know that you love that person no matter what, but you might not be feeling so much like yourselves. Take some time to remember who you were when you first met and how far you’ve come. You’ll be amazed at what you find.
Tim and I are now in the process of re-enjoying each other and re-finding our routines and the way we fit together. And that’s why I haven’t been blogging so much. But I’m looking forward to exploring feminism and marriage and love even further on this blog as we go. And I hope you’ll come along for the ride!
And now, I leave you with a few of the not-professional (but still awesome) pictures from the night. Enjoy!
Tim, me, and my parents.
My maid of honor and me dancing (and the back of my awesome dress)
Me walking down the aisle with my parents. Both of them. Feminist-style.
Us. Married. And excited. 🙂
Me and the bridesmaids.
Me and the groomsmen.
Wedded bliss, relief, happiness... whatever you want to call it. 🙂
And a final note: See that beautiful, curly, long hair? I cut it three days after the wedding. That may have been the second happiest day of my life. 😀
Teaching Feminism and Body Image: What is Dove Really Selling?
October 11th, 2010As I was preparing for my annual lesson on persuasive techniques, I came upon an article I had written previously that I thought would be perfect for the audience here at Equality 101. Last year, during a lesson on persuasive rhetorical techniques, I showed my students a number of commercials, asking them whether the technique used was Logos, Ethos, or Pathos. Along with this, I asked them what the ad was trying to sell, what it claimed about the product, if there was any bias present, etc. A friend pointed me to the Dove Evolution commercial as an example of using Logos, or logic, to persuade an audience. The commercial can be seen below, and you’ll need to watch it before you read on:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U&feature=player_embedded
As soon as I saw this, I was totally ready to show it to my classes. Not only is it a great example of Logos, but it has a great message, too. A double-whammy! I was expecting all sorts of teachable moments when they saw the photo-shopping of the image and were as astounded as I was that this can be done, and is done all the time. I expected to launch into an interesting conversation about the persuasive nature of magazine images in general, and how they persuade young people to be unhealthy to get closer to that unattainable ideal.
While there was quite a bit of that going on yesterday, and the students’ outrage at being “tricked” by the media was heartwarming, the initial response I received to the question about what product was being sold was interesting. Read the rest of this entry “
Comments Off on Teaching Feminism and Body Image: What is Dove Really Selling?
Weddings and Accessibility – Your Wedding is NOT Just About YOU
October 5th, 2010Today, as I was perusing Tumblr, I came across this gem of an article all about a bride who asked her sister, who happens to need a wheelchair, to be a bridesmaid but then did not ensure accessibility for her sister to the wedding. For example:
The church itself had a raised platform in the front where the bridal party stood. Elizabeth had planned for everyone except Mary to stand up on the platform – Mary could sit in her chair, six feet off to the side on the ground and out of view of anyone (including the photographer). Luckily the pastor was able to get some men from the church to throw together a makeshift ramp, so Mary and her groomsman were able to process in the side aisle and he could help her up the ramp to the platform. Elizabeth pouted that Mary was ruining the symmetry by using the side aisle, but eventually gave in.
That’s just one of the examples. And, since I’ve been writing a lot about weddings and feminism here lately, I couldn’t resist a post about weddings and accessibility. Blatant ableism in the first paragraph of the article aside (“Mary uses a wheelchair… but is still a wonderful young woman”), this post does bring up some interesting issues, especially if you read through some of the comments. It is amazing to me how many people will defend to the death a bride’s right to do whatever she wants on her wedding day, even when what she wants comes at a cost to family, friends, and other guests. If I’ve learned anything this past year, it’s that weddings are about more than the bride and groom. They’re about family, friends, and a love that transcends that one day. And they’re about love in general – the love of your friends and family for you and your spouse-to-be, the love of you and your spouse-to-be for your family and friends. Just love. And there is no love in a wedding that is not accessible to the guests.
Now, some of you may be throwing your hypocrite cards at me right now because you’ve heard me talk in length about how it’s not appropriate for people to make my wedding about themselves, but let me explain. Someone refusing to comply with a perfectly reasonable request regarding attire, transportation, a meeting with a vendor, etc.? That is making my wedding about them. Someone asking if my wedding will be accessible to them? That is my responsibility to ensure. Someone refusing to come unless I serve meat? That’s making my wedding about them. Someone requesting a gluten-free or vegetarian meal because they cannot eat what is provided due to dietary restrictions? That’s my responsibility to ensure. See the difference?
I’m no stranger to accessibility issues or dietary restrictions, and sometimes you just need to put forth a little extra effort to ensure that everyone is comfortable, can access the festivities, and can enjoy the day. In the case of Elizabeth and Mary in this article, the bride ruined this day for so many more people than her sister – rest assured, this day was completely ruined for her sister as is outlined in the article, but think about how far that snowballs. What about the people who had to help Mary because she couldn’t access certain aspects of the wedding and the bride neglected to ensure access? What about the sisters’ parents? Elizabeth’s pouting and foot-stomping affected her entire wedding party and many of her guests, and was unspeakably unfair to her SISTER AND BRIDESMAID.
I’ve seen this with weddings and people with disabilities more times than I can count. One of my bridesmaids also has a disability and, while her disability is mental rather than physical – which makes physical accessibility less of a problem than it was for Mary – there were still little things that needed to be adjusted so she could fully participate in all of the festivities. She’s not comfortable wearing the same (5-inch heel) shoes as the other bridesmaids, so we found her shoes that she was comfortable walking in. She can’t wear heavy earrings, so we found appropriate jewelry. And, rest assured, she will NOT be standing five feet away from the ceremony, out of range of everyone’s line of sight including the photographer. Having this person whom we love fully participate in our wedding was much more important than shoes or jewelry or what have you. And that’s how it should be.
All of this is not even mentioning all of the rude comments I’ve gotten from people asking if she was included in the bridal party, and when I say yes, saying: “Oh, good for you!” or “Oh, that’s so nice of you!” No. It is not “so nice” or “good” of me to include a person whom we love who happens to have a disability in our wedding party, or at least not any better or nicer than it was to ask any of my other friends. In fact, it wasn’t even a question. We love her, and wanted her to be a bridesmaid. End of story.
Now, I’m not tooting my own horn here. I’m just saying that this is really the way it should be. People are going to remember your love and consideration of others (or lack thereof) far longer than they will remember the clothes, flowers, food, or anything else about your wedding. As a couple planning a wedding, you should really take this time during which you are so loved to ensure that your friends, family, and guests feel loved, too. Love is free, people. It doesn’t take much to spread it around.
“I asked him, but he said no.”
October 2nd, 2010This phrase is more prevalent than it should be in discourse regarding relationships and marriage. Tim and I were talking about this the other day in regards to my latest post on name changes and how people either do not understand the desire not to change my name (or ignore it completely) or think it’s really, really cool but could not do it themselves.
When asked why they could not keep their own names (it seemed pretty easy to me…), most often they say: “Well, I asked my husband if it would be OK if I kept my name, but he said no.”
I guess this just surprises me, because that’s not how the conversation went with me and Tim at all. It went more like this (keep in mind this was about 5 months after we met):
Me: Just so you know, I’m not changing my name when we get married.
Tim: Um…
Me: Is that a problem?
Tim: Well, I don’t know. That’s kind of a bomb to drop right now.
Me: It’s a deal breaker for me. I’m serious. I won’t change my name.
Tim: Why? Because it’s the “feminist thing to do?”
Me: No. Because my name is my name and it’s been my name for 24 years and I don’t want to change it. I don’t want to loose my identity just because I’m getting married. My mom changed her name when she got married and now she’s changed it back and I guess I’ve just never considered it at all.
Tim: What if this is a deal breaker for me?
Me: Well, then, you’d better figure out if it is or not because I’m not changing my name.
We talked about it a lot after that, especially right after we got engaged. I did toss out the idea of hyphenating my name and he offered to hyphenate his so we’d match, but then we decided against it because I’d end up going by my last name anyway (since it’d be Samsa-Roberts, I’d probably just drop the Roberts) and all that paperwork just to be called what I’ve always been called just seemed silly.
Eventually, and quickly, he warmed to the idea of me keeping my name, and is now quite proud of it. When people ask him if he’s OK with it, he always puffs up his feathers a bit and says “Yea! She is who she is and that’s why I love her.”
So why is it that as soon as a man says “no,” all discussion seems to stop? Tim and I were able to have a conversation about it and come to a mutually beneficial situation (even though I won, he likes to think he had something to do with the decision, and like a good wife, I let him think that. 😉 ). I think there are a few possibilities here:
Think I’m blaming women here? OK, maybe I am. So let me turn the tables a bit:
Yes, I’m generalizing here, but it seems to me that the overwhelming majority of women I’ve talked to about this situation wanted to keep their names but didn’t because he said no. And it seems that if more people in relationships were willing to have a discussion about it – if men and women were open to that discussion and pushed the issue into discussion – then more people would make informed decisions that worked for both parties.
Just sayin’.
Doing Better Things
October 1st, 2010When I graduated with my master’s in May, the English department at my college treated the MA students to dinner as a congratulations for finishing our thesis papers and the program. It was a really wonderful evening, and it really didn’t set in until last night that I’ve finished my Master’s. It feels good, but it’s also bittersweet. I have missed my classmates, and believe it or not, I have missed the work – the writing, the discussions, the reading… all of it.
It was nice, however, to share an evening with professors and classmates that was more social than scholarly. I was sitting next to Tim, of course, but also near my professors. They were extremely complimentary of my work, which was nice to hear. They were interested to hear about the conference at which I presented my thesis this July. They were also curious about what I will be doing now that I have my Master’s. I had expected this question; most teachers don’t get their Master’s in English unless they want to teach at a community college or go on to their Doctorate and teach at a university. What I didn’t expect was that one of my professors would try to persuade me to “do better things” – his words, not mine. He tried to persuade me so much, in fact, that the head of the department interrupted him and said, “Stop trying to persuade her to leave high school! We need teachers like her!” This topic wasn’t brought up again until the end of the night, as we were saying good bye. My professor shook my hand and said, “Please consider going on to do better things.”
The fact of the matter is that I could not think of a single, more important thing I could be doing with my life right now. Read the rest of this entry “
Dear friends,
September 30th, 2010I am not changing my last name. This should not come as a surprise to you. In fact, I believe most of us have addressed this fact at length. No, I have not changed my mind. No, I will not change my mind later. So please stop sending me messages and emails that start with “To the future Mrs. R____,” or “OMG you are almost Mrs. R____!” or “You’re soon-to-be Mrs. R____!” or anything of that sort. Please be respectful of my choice; I am respectful of those who do choose to change their names, so I would just like the same courtesy.
On a related note, getting married does not make one a “Mrs.” Changing one’s name to that of her husband can, but since I am not changing my name, I am not going to become Mrs. S____ upon the date of my wedding. That would imply that I married Mr. S____ and, since Mr. S____ would be my father or my grandfather… Well, you get the picture.
Let’s take this moment then to go over a bit of history. The term Mrs. comes from an abbreviation of the word “mistress” – not to mean a woman a man cheats on his wife with; that meaning came later. However, let’s look at the greater symbolism of the chosen letters for this abbreviation:
Mr. = man, married or unmarried
Mrs. = wife
Is it too much of a stretch to insert an apostrophe?
Mr’s = Mrs.?
I don’t know. Maybe I’m stretching here or jumping to conclusions. I’m just offering it as a possibility.
This is not to say that I do not respect those of you who have decided to change your names. I firmly believe that every person should do what is best for his or her self and family, and I cannot tell you what that is. Only you can decide. I’m simply saying that I respect your choice: I’ve changed your names in my phone/address book/email contact lists, I’m sure to be careful to refer to you as your new name and to write it on invitations and letters. I don’t continue to address you using your maiden name just because it’s easier for me or because I wonder why you didn’t keep it. In fact, I don’t wonder why you didn’t keep it, so why do you wonder why I’m keeping my name? All you need to know is that I am and that I’ve made my choice. Please just be a true friend and respect that.
Thank you!
Ashley Lauren Samsanator
P.S. If you are truly my friend, please please PLEASE do not address things to us as “Mr. and Mrs. Timothy R____.” In the same vein, Mrs. Timothy Roberts will not ever exist. “Mr. Timothy R___ and Ms. Ashley S___” would be just fine, and it’s really not that much more work.
Author’s note: I know I can’t get upset about the occasional thing addressed to Mr. & Mrs. R____. I’ve come to terms with that. I’m just saying: if you’re my friend, you should know. Or if you didn’t, now you do.