Posts by Ashley:
- Educated 105,000,000 women worldwide on breast health through community-based and grassroots outreach since 1992
- Linked 15,000,000 women worldwide to early detection programs and mammography screening
- Provided $175-million to breast cancer research projects since 1999, including most recently more than $25 million for 41 research projects focused on primary prevention, understanding the etiology and potential causes of breast cancer and developing a blood or saliva test for early detection
- Forged new collaborations among nonprofit groups, government and industry by the Avon Foundation hosting the first-ever Collaborative Summit on Breast Cancer
- Love/Avon Army of Women accelerates the pace of breast cancer prevention research by enlisting women – healthy women who have never had breast cancer and survivors – in this effort. Through 2010 the Army of Women has recruited 340,000 women, launched 35 research studies, and had more than 43,000 Army of Women members respond to requests for volunteers. Most studies utilizing the Army of Women resource are able to identify enough eligible volunteers within 48 hours to one week to fulfill their volunteer requirements and move the study forward.
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- That’s not really true. I’m going to try to get some freelance writing and editing jobs over the summer, but I don’t really know how well that will work out, and I’m OK if it doesn’t. And I will probably start work on my book. But only while sitting at the pool. ↩
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- She fell asleep on my lap her first night home.
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- We watch TV together on the couch.
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- Everyone says she looks big in this picture, but she’s small! Only about 20 pounds.
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- Isn’t she the cutest??
- You might ask why I talk about this stuff with my students. I don’t, really, but I do allow the topics to come up instead of lying to them to make conversations easier or to stay on topic. I think these life lessons that show them there are other ways of doing things aside from the established social norm are actually what teaching is all about. I get them to think about life in a different way, and they may not agree – that’s OK – but at least they know what’s out there. ↩
- I did not wake up any earlier than usual today. When my alarm went off at 5:30, I pulled my phone off my iHome charger and checked my Twitter feed (without getting out of my bed), like I always do. When I was reminded that today was the day of the Royal Wedding, I turned over to Tim, who was also awake and said, “Do you mind if I turn on the TV?” To which he replied, “What? Why?” And I said, “The Royal Wedding! I want to see Kate’s dress!” After which he groaned and rolled out of bed and left the room as fast as he could. He, unlike me, wanted absolutely no part in the royal hubbub.
- As pointed out by Jillian, it’s both sad and interesting that it is considered newsworthy that Kate (and many women) choose not to vow to obey their husbands.
- The commentators on CBS kept talking about the equality of this ceremony, and how modern that all was. And then they kept talking about how equal this marriage between Kate and William is. While they were still in the church. I wonder how these commentators know how their marriage will be. The type and style and content of a wedding ceremony does not equal the type and style and content of a marriage. While recognizing that the ceremony is a step forward in the sense of equality, let’s keep in mind that their equal partnership is yet to be seen.
- I kept hearing commentators refer to “Prince William and the no longer Kate Middleton” as they circled through London on their carriage. This, to me, is offensive. Even if her name did change, she’s still the same Kate! If I had changed my name, I’d hope people wouldn’t refer to me as “the no longer Ashley S_____.”! And this amongst all this talk about equality. Yikes!
Link Love: New Blogs
June 23rd, 2011Today is a busy day! I’ve been searching for some freelance writing jobs to keep me occupied for the rest of the summer and put some extra cash in our vacation fund, and it seems like a few of them are starting to pan out, which is awesome. So I had to get started on some articles for those jobs, and I also still have yet to work out, get my nails done, drop the dog off at my mom’s, and get ready for this weekend! I’ll be in the Quad Cities all weekend celebrating my good friend, Emily’s wedding (and I’m reading in it!!! I’m kind of nervous!!!)! I’m totally stoked that my friend has found such a wonderful guy to share her life with, and I’m even more stoked that I get to be there to help them kick off their lives together! And I’m also stoked that she asked me to make her an Irish Cream Pie (like a normal cream pie, but with Bailey’s in it… YUM!) for a dessert for the rehearsal dinner, so I have to make that tonight and figure out how to transport it as well. Lots of stuff yet to do!
So, today through Sunday, you won’t be seeing normal posts from me. Instead, you’ll be seeing some Link Love! Today, I’m going to be introducing you to a few blogs I just found. Tomorrow, I’ll be posting links about feminism. Saturday is all about education, and Sunday, to celebrate weddings, is all about marriage. Feel free to post your own stuff that you’ve written about these topics in the comments! I’m always looking for new stuff to read!
Without further ado, allow me to introduce you to some new blogs I’ve found recently. Most of these blogs are not really new, but they’re new to me, and since none of you actually introduced me to them, I’m assuming they’re new to you, too. Check them out! Also, if you have a blog you don’t think I’ve seen yet, put the link in the comments! I’d love to check it out and maybe throw you some Link Love later down the line!
I’m teacher, writer, feminist, yogi, vintage fashion lover and wanna be runner. Lately the vitriolic discourse around the crisis in American public schools and teacher’s unions have turned me into an activist. And I’m attempting to write about it all here. Ambitious? I wasn’t doing much with my free time anyway. This blog attempts to examine and dismantle some of the most common myths and stereotypes about teachers, teacher’s unions, our students and American Public schools in general. Here you’ll find musings about how my everyday life effects my teaching, ideas and opinions about school reform and plenty of humor. My aim is to reach out to not only to teachers, but all those who consider themselves, “students of life”, I’d love to hear your points of view too. This is a safe space for constructive, inclusive dialogue.
My name is Emily Heroy, and I created Bending Toward the Sun to share with you my thoughts on international gender issues, the U.S. education system, books (fiction, nonfiction, Women’s Studies), food, and culture.
If some of you are here via my old book blog, Eat the Books!, welcome! Glad to have you here.
The title of this blog comes from the song “All Flowers in Time Bend Towards the Sun” by Jeff Buckley.
It turns out I’m a bit of a hippie. It didn’t realize it for a long, long time. Growing up, when my parents asked me to take kitchen scraps out to the compost bin, I got annoyed. When they ignored the dryer in favor of hanging clothes to dry, and my jeans came out of the laundry room clean and crispy, I groaned. All my friends got the blue-box mac ‘n’ cheese, when we had a homemade version. And when I was asked to haul lumber and stabilize posts for the new deck, I didn’t understand why they didn’t just pay someone else to do it.
But now, as a semi-adult, I can see where they were coming from. Boxed foods are often (but by no means always) filled with chemicals, additives and fillers. Compost is expensive, especially when you don’t actually have to do anything to make it. And good contractors are worth their weight in gold, but it’s so much cheaper to just DIY. (I maintain my distaste for crispy jeans.)
And after spending 10 minutes staring at cereals in the grocery store on afternoon, I realized: My decisions are pretty random, or based on the way I’ve always done things. But half the things I buy, I could probably make myself. I should actually try it, and analyze and compare, and see what’s better.
The result? DIY or Buy.
What Mighty Contests – This is the blog of my buddy from grad school, Lori. Check out the About Me section here. It’s worth it. This blog is HILARIOUS.
Becoming Graceful – This is the brand new blog of one of my friends and research buddies from undergrad, Becky. She is an EXCELLENT writer, and courageous for sharing about her family!
F*** Yeah English Major Armadillo – Enough said.
Happy reading!
Summer Shift
June 22nd, 2011I put out a call on Twitter today for a topic to write about. My buddy, @EKSwitaj, suggested I write about “dealing with the shift from the highly structured school year to the more flexible days of summer,” which I thought was a pretty good topic, so here goes.
As much as I look forward to the break from the school year drudgery (Does that surprise you, students? That your teachers look forward to breaks almost as much as you do?), I have a really hard time adjusting to my summer hours. This is mostly because I usually start the summer off with absolutely nothing to do but catch up on all the stuff I didn’t do during the busy school year which can, and usually does, launch me into a sort of dazed state at the beginning of the vacation period.
During the academic calendar, I wake up early and go work out first thing in the morning. I’m a morning work out person, so I like to get that done early in the day. After that, I come home, clean up a bit from the night before, eat breakfast, shower (not necessarily in that order), and leave for school. At school, my day is ruled by bells and 55-minute periods. I have the same schedule every day, except for pep assembly days or shortened schedules for School Improvement days. My day starts when that first bell rings in the morning, whether I like it or not, and each class period ends when that bell rings, whether I like it or not. While whatever my students and I do in those periods between bells is largely up to me, my time is incredibly structured. I cannot eat, grade, plan, or even use the restroom at will. I have to wait until my students are not in the room to leave at all.
While it might sound incredibly freeing to have a change of pace that allows you to do whatever you want for 9 weeks out of the year, the sudden change is often disorienting to say the least. I usually try to spend the first couple of days catching up on whatever was put on the back-burner during the end of the school year, but even that doesn’t keep me busy enough. I find myself sleeping for way more time than is really healthy, watching copious amounts of television, maybe reading a book if I can muster up the brain power to do so, and eating. A lot of eating. Then, right around July 1, I get myself into a schedule of writing, working out, seeing friends, planning for next school year, and general productivity. Then, right around August 1, I actually get used to the rhythm of that schedule. Then, right around August 15, I go back to school.
I love my structured teacher days almost more than I love the lazy rhythm of the summer shift. If my brain isn’t occupied, I get generally antsy. I’m a project-based person; I always need to have some project I’m working on, some goal to focus on. Sure, everyone needs a vacation, but I’ve often said that if our school switched to year-round schooling, I’d be one of the (few?) proponents. In a year-round school situation, you’re still working about the same number of days with breaks interspersed into the year with a longer break (but not as long as it is now) during the summer. I could totally deal with that. Two weeks off every few months with a month-or-so long summer break would be perfect. Just enough time to rest and recuperate and get back in the swing of things.
Don’t get me wrong; I love summer. I just love the feeling of productivity more.
For you teachers and students out there: How do you deal with sudden schedule shifts for breaks? What do you find yourself doing during the summer?
The Global Press Institute
June 21st, 2011
Today, I’m over at Gender Across Borders, talking about the Global Press Institute! Here’s a little teaser:
Every Thursday, Chicago’s NPR station, WBEZ, has a series called Global Activism. I’m a new subscriber, but, as a writer here at Gender Across Borders, you can see why the series caught my interest (and I highly recommend it).
A few weeks ago on Global Activism, Cristi Hegranes, founder of the Global Press Institute, was interviewed. The Global Press Institute is a not-for-profit organization that trains women around the world to be journalists. Hegranes was inspired to start this program while she was interviewing women around the world for her own reporting. She said she felt she lacked the context that the women who actually lived in these areas had, both socially and politically, and felt that the women she was interviewing would do a better job writing these stories than she would.
Now, the Global Press Institute has trained and employs 124 women around the world between the ages of 18 and 66 and from all different walks of life. When asked why Hegranes wanted to focus specifically on women, she said that a women-centered project wasn’t originally in her business plan, but she decided she wanted community development to come from this project as well. Women who are trained with a specific skill set tend to stay where they are and put money back into the community, whereas men tend to move out of the community for higher paying jobs.
Go check out the rest of the article! Go now! You know you want to!
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Is One The Loneliest Number?
June 20th, 2011
"I cook meals I'm proud of in my kitchen, and we eat them at a nice table with fresh flowers and candlesticks."
When it comes to my home and my personal relationships, I like my life. A lot. Granted, sometimes I come on here and talk about various arguments I have with my husband and how we’re working on making our marriage awesome, but when I take a step back and look at the big picture, my life is great. We have a very nice apartment that we keep stylishly updated and clean. I sit in the mornings after my workout and drink coffee while I write and read blogs while the dog sleeps beside me. I cook meals I’m proud of in my kitchen, and we eat them at a nice table with fresh flowers and candlesticks. When I want to go do something with my husband, we do it. When I want to go hang out with my mom or my friends, I go. Granted, now we have to find somewhere for the dog to stay if we’re gone longer than a few hours, but we’re still relatively free and living in the lap of luxury.
So when conversations about children come up, I’m reluctant to say I want them. I’m fairly certain that, if we did have children, a lot of the things I love about my life (along with basic human needs… like sleep…) would go by the wayside for a little while at least while we become consumed with being good parents and raising children. I think of some of my friends with a baby and a toddler at home – and I think of my mom doing the same thing (my brother and I are only 18 months apart) – and I wonder, how do they do it?!
People say having a dog is a test for how it’ll be to have kids. I don’t really think that’s true, although I do see several parallels. Dogs need boundaries and rules, just like kids. You have to pick up a lot of poop when you have a dog, same as with kids. You can’t leave dogs alone for too long, and you can’t leave kids alone ever. Dogs ruin things in your home by chewing; kids can ruin things in your home by getting hold of the marker box.
We got lucky. We have a really good dog. We’ve had her a month, and she doesn’t chew, bark, or pee on things. She’s not aggressive, nor does she have any anxieties that we can’t pinpoint. In short, she is pure awesomeness.
But we were at Tim’s parent’s house this weekend, and they have a dog, and even though their dog is also extremely well-behaved, just the fact that there were two dogs there changed things. We had to watch them. We had to let them in and out of the house when they felt like going in or out. We had to separate them when it was time for their dinner so they didn’t eat each other’s food and get territorial. Tim, who originally wanted two dogs, leaned against the fence as he was watching them play outside, and said, “I think one is enough.”
The reason I don’t really think having a dog is a test for how it will be to have kids is twofold. First, having a kid is A LOT more work than having a dog. Second, I’m not really surprised by the responsibilities of dog or child care, which I think is a reason people say that – they say “Oh, you think you want kids? Try a dog first and see if you can handle it.” We approached this a little differently. We waited until we were over sure we were ready. We talked about how we’d split up the responsibilities. We talked about boundaries and rules. We talked about how we’d handle the extra costs. We talked about literally everything we could think of before we brought Penny home. It was not an impulsive decision.
This is absolutely how we will be if we decide to have children, as well. Even if we are surprised with a bundle of joy, we’ll have a good portion of a year to discuss how we’re going to handle it – what rules, boundaries, costs, responsibilities, etc. we’ll change and how we’ll share them. And we will probably discuss all of that and more ad nauseam.
And we already know, from a multitude of discussions and seeing two dogs at play, that we’re probably planning to only have one child, if any at all. We both have siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles and love seeing family and talking with people who share the same DNA. Sure, being an only child can be lonely, but there are so many reasons why having only one is beneficial to the child and the parents. Nona Willis Aronowitz explains these reasons so much better than I ever could in her article, “The Future is Lonely: Why I’m Only Having One Kid”:
Nowadays, both men and women of Generation Y prioritize being a good parent even more than we prioritize getting married. We care about spending time with our kids and sharing the responsibility with our partners. Things are far from perfect, but women are no longer culturally expected to bear the entire burden of childrearing.
Still, the system makes it way easier to have only one kid. The United States has no universal child care, no paid maternity leave, and not much paternity leave (paid or unpaid), so the pressure is on to be financially stable before your first child arrives. And as everyone knows, it’s getting harder and harder to do that. A recent Guttmacher poll shows 64 percent of American women say they couldn’t afford to have a baby now, with the economy the way it is. Forty-four percent say they plan to reduce or delay childbearing for the same reason.
For me, this doesn’t only boil down to money. It’s also about making sure I’m able to do everything I want to do. I want a fulfilling career, a well-stamped passport, and alone time with my partner. This means I’m going to have to wait quite a while before having a baby. And that means I’ll have less time for popping out kids.
Read the whole article; it is chock full of awesomeness and research. All I can say to Ms. Aronowitz is, “Seconded.” But for all the logic, research, and reasoning, there’s something to be said about following your heart, too. There is nothing wrong with showering one child with all the love in your hearts, while still having time to love your work and your partner and your free time. There is nothing wrong with wanting to give one child everything you can while still having some left over for yourselves. Sure, there are many reasons to have more than one child, and if that’s what you want, go for it. But, for now, we’re going to stick with one or none. And that’s cool, too.
So. Maybe having a dog has taught me more about having children than I originally thought.
Caricatures of Women Characters
June 17th, 2011
Sex and the City has always bugged me for reasons I could never put my finger on. That is, before yesterday. I was sitting at an awesome, feminist lunch with my pal Amanda (who I am SO GLAD is back in Chicago!) and we were discussing books and whatnot, as fellow English majors are apt to do, and I mentioned how much better having one, well-rounded female character in a novel is than having four BFFs who end up being more or less caricatures of themselves having only one real characteristic.
Most novels, movies, and TV shows that have four (or three, or five, or however many – the theory remains) best girlfriends as the main characters are hailed as feminist because the women are empowered, independent, and have each other to lean on rather than some man. However, most entertainment with four strong, lead female characters follows the same pattern. You have basically the same four or five essential characters:
The Carrie: The most well-rounded character in the show, The Carrie is a strong, independent woman. But not too strong or independent. She still is soft enough around the edges to attract the attentions of a plethora of men. She is also usually the glue that holds the group together. The rest of the women may not have even met if it weren’t for her. She is also everyone’s best friend, maid of honor, godmother to their children.
The Charlotte: Otherwise known as The Prude. The Charlotte is idealistic, naive, looking for true love. She is also a control-freak. Everything that surrounds her must be perfect, lest the perfect man sees her imperfections and runs for the hills. She’s exceedingly pretty, but not very smart nor very independent. She’s also around to tell all of her girlfriends exactly what they have done wrong, but cries incessantly when someone tells her she’s done something wrong. That cannot possibly be; she’s perfect.
The Samantha: Otherwise known as The Slut. I don’t use “slut” here as a derogatory term, rather to denote someone who does what she wants, wears what she wants, and dates who she wants. The Samantha is sexually liberated, sassy, smart, and never settles down with one guy. If she does, she questions it or is unhappy in some way and usually ends up upsetting the balance she’s created for herself in her single life.
The Miranda: Otherwise known as The Not-As-Pretty-But-Super-Smart-And-Successful or The Bitter Maid. The Miranda is driven, successful, works way too much to have any sort of fun. She has had her heart broken so many times, she is now bitter regarding men. Her job is to add quippy one-liners about how awful men are to any conversation the women might be having. The other women may try to set her up with dates that are disastrous, or to give her a makeover.
See a pattern here? I bet you can apply these same caricatures to any movie, show, or book that has a group of women as its main characters. From The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants to The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood to Dirty Girls Social Club to Commencement, the same women show up doing the same old things.
This is why these novels are so popular for a period of time, but also why they eventually crash and burn. (Did anyone see the second Sex and the City movie? Then you know what I’m talking about.) We all see a little bit of ourselves in each of these characters. Everyone wants to be a Carrie – a leading lady in her own life – but I, for example, am sassy and smart (Samantha), driven (Miranda), and a perfectionist (Charlotte). I can identify with every one of those characters! And they’re independent, successful women to boot! Why wouldn’t we feminists love these characters?
But the problem eventually becomes that we expect these women to grow and change, but that hardly ever happens. It can’t! Otherwise, the marketing team would have no idea what to do to continue to shove these shows into our living rooms once a week. Take the second Sex and the City movie, for example. We’ve got Carrie unhappy in her marriage, like any single gal would be according to societal narratives. There’s Charlotte, finally with her own flesh-and-blood child (as if the beautiful girl she adopted wasn’t quite enough). Samantha, who had committed to a man, then eaten her way through the depression that couples commitment, is now taking an unnatural barrage of hormonal supplements to stave off menopause. And let’s not forget Miranda, on the brink of divorce because she can’t seem to let anyone get emotionally close to her, and she can’t seem to leave that job of hers to hang out with her family.
Perhaps I’m confusing the two movies here, but it doesn’t matter. The fact is that we see these women in life situations that are drastically different from when we first met them, but they are still the same women, doing the same things. Carrie is still brooding about relationships, Samantha is still hitting on any man she sees, Miranda is still working herself to death, and Charlotte is still perfect and innocent. There’s no growth, no real depth, no change. And, to top it off, the second movie was the worst example of white privilege and racial ignorance that I had ever seen. Ever.
Women in real life are multi-faceted, and we change and grow with every situation we’re presented with. We find ways to remake ourselves and become something even better with every major step we take in life. We add facets and take them away when we need to. And we are strong, no doubt about it. These women characters are strong, which is why we like them so much. But they are not real; they are not examples of what women are in real life. They barely scrape the surface.
I’ll take a well-rounded single female character any day over women who are just pieces of a whole. Maybe you disagree. I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Problematic Pin-Ups
June 13th, 2011This story about 1950’s pin-up girl pictures came across my Google Reader shared items (sorry… I missed who shared it!) and left me thinking. From the site:
The pin-up paintings (and photographs, of course) were created by Gil Elvgren, one of America’s most notable pin-up artists. What you may not realize (we didn’t at first), is that the photographs all show the same model — Elvgren’s wife — though she appears with different haircuts, and obviously wearing every outfit under the sun. Pin-up girls were meant to be stylized, idealized versions of women, and we think it’s kind of sweet that Elvgren saw his own wife as the perfect model of the fantasy woman, and used her for the basis for so much of his art. Also, he’s lucky that she had such great legs. Just saying!
Here’s an example of the photograph of Elvgren’s wife (left) paired with the pin-up girl drawing (right):
There’s just something about this – besides the blatant objectification of women that comes with any pin-up girl anything – that rubs me the wrong way. Sure, it’s “kind of sweet” that Elvgren thought of his wife as beautiful and the ideal model for an idealized pin-up girl. But… why wouldn’t he? He married her, didn’t he? Shouldn’t husbands think of their wives as beautiful enough to be pin-up girls? Of course, you would hope so, and I know it isn’t always the case, but why do we automatically see a man who is attracted to his wife and go, “Awwwww! That’s wonderful!”? Shouldn’t that just be the standard and when men aren’t that way, shouldn’t we frown at that?
Not to mention that she may have been the perfect model, but Elvgren also saw fit to make a few minor adjustments from model to drawing. Here, he took a little off the butt and thighs, added a bit to the chest, enlarged the eyes and lips, pointed those toes in those shoes more than is probably humanly possible. I’m reminded of Dove Evolution, here! And that is anything but sweet!
I know these pictures came out of the 1950’s, but just because something is vintage doesn’t make it great. I know pin-up girls were supposed to be idealized versions of women, but haven’t we seen what idealized versions of women do to the self esteem of women and girls? Personally, I think these images are not to be celebrated, but rather critiqued, and I think we need to examine how far we’ve really come. Not as far as we’d like to think, unfortunately.
The Chair
June 12th, 2011Yesterday, I alluded to an argument Tim and I have been having about pushing in the chair at the dining room table. It’s right by the door of our apartment, and he sits there to put his shoes on any time he goes out and then just leaves the chair out in the middle of the room. We don’t have a whole lot of space in the apartment right now – heck, we don’t even really have a dining room, just a space where we put the table – so having things left around and spread out makes the space seem even smaller than it is. Also, I am a perfectionist. Dinner isn’t done until the kitchen is clean; I can’t go to school unless the couch pillows are fluffed and the bed is made. So having the chair out of place drives me up a wall.
It’s a stupid thing to be mad about all the time. I know it’s stupid. I told Tim it’s stupid. But, at some point this year, it no longer became being angry about the chair. It became being angry about the fact that I told him the chair drove me nuts and could he please push the chair in, PLEASE, and he still didn’t do it.
I could let it go. I probably should let it go. But really, he can’t do this one thing just for me, even though it’s a stupid thing and doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things?
At some point, I truly believe no request is too small. I’m not saying you should jump up and do whatever your partner asks you to do whenever they ask. That’s playing in to their controlling nature and not allowing any room for greater needs and desires to play out in a relationship. But when your partner says, “Listen, I know this is dumb and small, but it would really make me happy if you could push the chair in after you sit in it,” or put the water glasses away after you drink out of them, or put your shoes away after you take them off, or put your dirty clothes in the hamper… or whatever the request may be, is it really too much to ask? Is it something that absolutely cannot be accommodated?
I understand I’m the queen of not picking up my water glasses and leaving shoes lying around, and Tim has told me that this bugs him, so I’ve been trying to be better about it, even though I don’t see the big deal. The big deal is that it bugs him, just like the big deal is that the chair bugs me. So I add to my mental to-do list to put the water glasses in the dishwasher before I leave for the day. And, finally, Tim has also added to his mental to-do list to push the chair in after he uses it. (It’s pretty funny, actually. When I ask him to help me out with something, he comes into the room and checks the chair first thing to be sure that’s not the thing I’m going to ask him about. Baby steps.)
Lots of relationship gurus and veterans say that nit-picking these smaller things can ruin a relationship. They say that women should just move on from these requests and worry about bigger things lest they turn in to a whiny, nagging Deborah from Everybody Loves Raymond. (I hate that show with a burning passion, but that’s neither here nor there.) But I say, why? If it’s something that really gets to you, why can’t you bring that up to your partner and expect that he or she will treat you with respect and honor that? Isn’t accommodating those things just a part of a healthy cohabitation?
When I first moved in with three other girls in college, for example, we all sat down at the table and told each other our pet peeves. Each of us got one pet peeve. Mine was dishes in the sink; one girl’s was strands of hair left in the shower and on the sink; one girl’s was leaving lights on when you left a room; one girl’s was leaving clothes in the dryer after they were done drying. We all took note of these pet peeves and accommodated them. We didn’t leave lights on or clothes in the dryer or dishes in the sink or hair in the shower. And we were all happy! So what changes when it’s a romantic partnership? I may not care if there’s hair in the shower, but if Tim did, I’d wipe it up just like I did for my roommate. In a way, aren’t we roommates with our partners? Aren’t the things we learned in the dorm room in college just good practice for sharing a life with someone?
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I really am just the nagging wife. All I know is the chair has been pushed in and I’m happy. The water glasses have been picked up and Tim’s happy. Is that so wrong?
Finding Me Again
June 11th, 2011I know, I know, I know. I’ve been absent from this site lately. But there are a few really good reasons for this, and I haven’t really been ready to write about any of it until just now.
Honestly, blogging here has been difficult in the past few months. No matter how much I try to sit here at this blog and talk about my enlightened relationship and how I am going to remain independent and not let marriage change me, there’s a little part of that that cannot be true, and hasn’t been for me. I’ve been struggling to not feel like a phony writing here about feminist relationships when my relationship doesn’t seem all that “feminist” lately… whatever that means. Allow me to try to explain.
Marriage is an identity shift, especially for women – whether we like it or not. We will change when we get married, if only a little, because our lives have changed in some way. I know not all of you agree with this, especially those who cohabited before marriage, but I’m not talking about how you do things day-to-day. That kind of stuff probably doesn’t change very much; if your partner took out the garbage before you got married, he or she will probably continue to do so after you get married. I’m also not really talking about how you feel about each other. You’ll probably still be in love after you get married just as you were before, societal sitcom narratives be damned. I’m talking about a shift in yourself. You will change in some way. It could be a shift in priorities or a shift in how you see yourself or a shift in desires. Maybe you find yourself wanting to change your name or have a hot dinner on the table every day or have a baby or go to sporting events or quit your job, even though you never wanted or even thought you might want these things before. (I’m not saying I want any of these things. They are just examples.) And maybe, if you’re like me, you beat yourself up for wanting different things and doing different things because you shouldn’t feel like you have to do anything new and you should be comfortable with how things were before.
Couple all of this with a permeating conservative narrative about how wives should be from the devil on one shoulder and a permeating liberal narrative about how wives should be (if one should ever even be a wife at all) from the other and, before you know it, you’re not quite sure what you should be doing at all, let alone what you want to be doing. And, if you’re anything like me, you end up so overwhelmed that you find yourself sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, watching TV and yelling at your husband for no other reason besides he forgot to push the chair in after he last sat it it and OH MY GOD WHY CAN YOU NOT JUST REMEMBER TO PUSH IN THE DAMN CHAIR?!
So. That’s where I found myself at the start of this summer vacation, even though I was bound and determined to use every second to relax and renew myself. And I yelled at Tim for not pushing in the chair at the kitchen table (a story for another time, perhaps, but this argument has been ongoing since, oh, last July), walked out and called my good friend, Jillian, crying and trying to make my way through the worst traffic ever to see her and telling her I just didn’t feel like myself anymore.
Well, no wonder, right? With about eight competing narratives, a (relatively) new husband, a new dog, house shopping, and a major change in routine with the start of summer break, it was hard to see myself through it all. So Jillian, bless her heart, listened to me for about an hour (the time it took me to get about two miles on the highway with all the traffic) and convinced me that it would be best if I turned around, talked to Tim, and did something that made me feel like me again.
Tim and I did talk, though that’s not the most important part of the resolution of this particular problem. While it’s important to have the support of the ones you love, sometimes doing something by yourself and for yourself is really the best solution. The next day, I went to Barnes & Noble and bought a real book (while I love my Kindle, I do sometimes miss the satisfaction of actually folding down the page) which I have almost finished reading, and started cooking and baking. And I pretty much haven’t stopped since.
I made grilled pizza with homemade tomato basil sauce and homemade pizza dough. I made a rose cream sauce with a white wine base and fresh tomatoes, basil, and garlic to go with pasta. I made a variation of tiramisu with champagne instead of coffee and fruit instead of chocolate. I made white chocolate brownies. All of this from scratch, people. It has been time consuming to say the least, but extremely gratifying. I truly love cooking and baking. Cooking more than baking, but the same principles apply. You can take ingredients that, alone, are nothing and combine them in such a way that something beautiful and delicious emerges.
In the kitchen, I feel at home. Even as I write this, I’m sitting at our breakfast bar, smelling white chocolate brownies from the oven. When I first moved out on my own, I used to cook all the time, mostly because it was the only way I could afford to eat. You may not believe this so much, because cooking can be very expensive, but when you buy a pound of pasta for $0.99 and a few basic ingredients for sauce, you have a meal for four days that cost you about $5. I couldn’t go out because I didn’t have the money, so I bought a couple of cheap ingredients and worked from there, making sure to have plenty of leftovers for the week. After a particularly trying day at school or in the midst of a trying relationship, there was nothing better for me than to chop vegetables, measure ingredients, and make something completely satisfying, even if it was just for myself.
And this is just for myself with the added bonus of having a partner to eat the food and tell me how awesome it is, which never hurts the self esteem. I’m feeling my balance start to return and, while I won’t (and can’t) always want to cook and bake every day, I’m finding strength in doing things I used to love while also loving the new experiences and wants and needs.
It’s not a perfect solution, and it isn’t a perfect balance, but it’s working for now.
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Avon Walk for Breast Cancer 2011
June 7th, 2011
This past weekend, despite a 104 degree heat index and running out of water at various rest stops, my mom and I walked 26.2 miles around Chicago and raised over $1800 each to fight breast cancer. (We didn’t make it the whole 39.3 miles this year. We usually do, but due to the heat and lack of water on the first day of the walk, it was impossible to go any further!)
I do this walk with my mom every year because every time I turn around, someone else we know has been diagnosed with this terrible disease. I also continue to do this particular walk rather than many of the other breast cancer walks and runs out there because I believe in the Avon Foundation and their commitment to both ending breast cancer and putting money back into the communities where the walks take place. This weekend, the Chicago walkers raised over $6.1 million, and at the closing ceremony, we witnessed just a few grants the Avon Foundation was able to make to hospitals in the area so they can continue to provide services to low-income women in the area free of charge. They also presented grants to several research organizations that are currently researching why breast cancer mortality rates are so much higher among Black and Latina women and men. I believe in this cause, and I believe focusing on what can be done locally to help women and men in the community and helping researchers find out why there is such a disparity in mortality rates for this disease is incredibly important. And that’s why I walk every year, and will continue to walk every year until I can’t walk anymore.
I also love that the Avon Foundation has taken their initiative to many other countries. This year, in 2011, the Avon Foundation will hold over 39 events around the globe in countries from Guatemala to Croatia, Australia to El Salvador, helping communities fight breast cancer and raising awareness. By raising awareness around the world, the Avon Foundation is helping more people detect their cancer early, receive comprehensive treatment, and survive breast cancer. From the Avon Foundation Breast Cancer Crusade website:
While we remain steadfast in our commitment to find a cure, we are proud to have supported tremendous progress over the last 18 years in research and care:
With breast cancer affecting another life every three minutes in the United Stat
es and more around the world, this campaign is so important, and I’m proud to be able to do these walks with my mom every year.
This year, we walked in terrible heat. Last year, it was a tornado warning. The year before, it was nice and sunny. Chicago has unpredictable weather, to be sure, but breast cancer is also unpredictable. While we may not always be able to walk the full 39.3 miles, we will always do what we can to end breast cancer for everyone, both locally and around the world.
For more information on the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, click here. For more information on the Avon Walk Around the World, click here and here.
All pictures were taken by myself at the 2011 Chicago Avon Walk for Breast Cancer.
This post is cross-posted at Gender Across Borders.
For more pictures from the walk, click below!
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Follow me on the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer Chicago 2011!
June 3rd, 2011
Even Penny is ready for the Avon Walk! Check out that awesome pink ribbon bandana!
Tomorrow and Sunday, I’ll be walking 39.3 miles around Chicago – starting and ending at Soldier Field – to raise awareness for breast cancer. I’ve raised the funds, and now I’m ready to walk!
You can virtually follow me on my Twitter and Facebook feeds! I’ll be posting pictures and updates along the way. And don’t forget to cheer me on with @ replies or comments and likes! It helps so much when morale is high and I know people are with me in spirit. You can be with me in person, too, by coming out to cheer us on! You can’t miss me – I’ll be the one in pink. 😉
For more information about the Avon Walks and to sign up to participate in one in your hometown, go to http://www.avonwalk.org. Are you in it to end it? I am!
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Bringing Home the Bacon
May 31st, 2011I make more money than Tim.
Not much more, but enough that it’s sometimes noticeable. Our checks are about the same amount each time we get them, but he gets paid twice a month and I get paid every two weeks. That’s the same 10 months out of the year, but two glorious months during the year, I get an extra check.
This doesn’t bother Tim so much. It’s sort of par for the course considering I teach high school and he teaches middle school and we both teach in similar areas. And while we’ve mostly figured out how to share our financial responsibilities (what we started doing ended up working really well!), we’re still facing budget cuts in our districts and we’re working hard to save money. The implications of budget cuts for us can mean we have to spend more of our own money on school supplies for the year or we could have a frozen contract, which means we won’t get our yearly raises or move over lanes for advanced degrees or we could face increased insurance payments which means more money out of our paychecks. I’m not complaining. I have a great job that I love; it just means that, even in this economy with a dual income, two teachers who are relatively debt-free are having trouble putting a down payment on a house. So we’re working hard to save.
However, Tim and I have different definitions of “working hard” and “saving.” I work hard during the school year and take on extra duties to make some extra money, but I’ll never take on something extra if it means taxing my personal time and my stress level- there are times during the year (…ahem… while I was planning a wedding… ahem…) when no amount of money is worth every precious minute I have to myself to get my grading and planning done so I have more time at home to do other things. I put a set amount in our savings every month, and I usually have some left over to contribute in case we go over our budget with extra things we hadn’t really planned for (like a dog). But the summer is mine. While I was a student and during my first teaching job (when I was living on my own and could barely make ends meet), I had a summer job every year. Last summer, I took off to plan a wedding. This summer, now that I’ve moved schools and I’m making more with my master’s degree and Tim and I are going to stay in our apartment for another whole year, and now that I’ve spent two summers in grad school and one summer planning a wedding and absolutely worked my butt off this year to stay afloat with my teaching and my personal life, this summer is mine. You’ll find me by the pool or walking my dog or sitting in my air-conditioned “office” blogging. This is a recuperating, rejuvenating summer. No more, no less. 1
Tim, however, is searching desperately for a summer job. He is the kind of person who, no matter the taxing effect on his mental state, his physical well-being, or (sometimes) his personal relationships, will do whatever it takes to make more money. And he’ll always put that money into our house savings, while any extra money I make usually ends up paying for something (usually unnecessary) that I’ve convinced Tim that we need to have. And, truth be told, this year I didn’t make all that much extra money. But Tim did, and will continue to.
While I admire his spirit and determination, and I am grateful for his work-work-work attitude, I do wonder why he feels the need to bring home the bacon, so to speak. We’ve talked about this several times, and, while I believe the attitude comes from societal norms that have been handed down to him (it’s OK for the woman to stay at home and take care of things that need to be done and relax if need be, but the man needs to make more money, gosh darnit!), his argument is that he doesn’t do well with free time. But, as any “housewife” knows, there is so rarely any free time at all between cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking meals, caring for pets and children, doing home improvement projects, etc. Even those who stay at home find themselves lucky to have a minute or two to sit down and write a blog post or read a book or visit the pool! And Tim knows that he would have minimal free time if he stayed at home. But “free time” for him isn’t time spent with nothing to do, it’s time spent with things to do for free – unpaid labor that so often goes unnoticed because it’s done for only the satisfaction of having it done in return.
Tim and I make a good pair. I like doing the things he hates and vice versa. He cleans the bathroom while I do the laundry and so on. So, while he’s out bringing home the bacon, I’ll be ready to fry it up in the kitchen (though he’ll be the only one eating it because I’m still mostly a vegetarian, but that’s neither here nor there), and I’m OK with that. Call me unfeminist. Tell me I’m single-handedly reinforcing the glass ceiling because I’m OK making less money and taking time off to care for my home. Say what you will, but know this: It takes working as a pair to make a great pair, and if you’re both off working long hours, when will you even have the time to be a pair at all? Though societal norms tell us that the man should be out making money, is it so wrong for that to actually happen? Should I go out and get a summer job just because I’m a feminist and I believe our partnership should be equitable? Or does an equitable partnership mean more than just money? I think you know my feelings on the topic, but I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
International Adoption at GAB!
May 26th, 2011 Today, I’m over at Gender Across Borders talking about international adoption, and I’ve already received some really great comments! Here’s a little teaser:
My husband and I have given quite a bit of consideration to adopting a child. We’re not sure yet if we want children, but if we do decide to take on that immense responsibility, we know that we need to talk about giving a home to a child that otherwise wouldn’t have one. As teachers, we see all too often the effects on children within the foster care system, and the outcome can be heartbreaking. With the recent wave of natural disasters all over the world – hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, tornadoes – not to mention ongoing global problems such as poverty, food shortages, and political unrest just to name a few, there is no shortage of heartbreaking stories about children ripped from their parents or parents with no other choice but to give up their children for adoption. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems there has been a noticeable increase in discussions in the United States about international adoption, which, along with my husband and my potential desire to adopt children, has prompted me to explore this topic further.
I have many, many questions about international adoption, and have only had a chance to do some cursory research, but I do believe it is important to explore this topic whether you are considering adoption or not, because policies are still being made and desperately do need to be made. According to the Schuster Institute for Investigative Journalism’s Gender and Justice Project:
For decades, international adoption has been a Wild West, all but free of meaningful law, regulation, or oversight. Western adoption agencies, seeking to satisfy consumer demand, have poured millions of dollars of adoption fees into underdeveloped countries. Those dollars and Euros have, too often, induced the unscrupulous to buy, defraud, coerce, and sometimes even kidnap children away from families that loved and would have raised them to adulthood.
Click here to read the rest of the post, and leave your thoughts in the comments!
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Quick Hit(s): Breast Cancer in Saudi Arabia
May 25th, 2011A few weeks ago, my first official post as a senior editor at Gender Across Borders appeared. I wrote about Shame and Breast Cancer in Saudi Arabia, inspired by an article on the Ms. Magazine Blog. I wrote the post hoping to start a discussion on the “pink” rhetoric in the United States and, while some find it a sexist, sometimes objectifying marketing ploy, how the explosion of pink in the United States has helped create awareness that has helped women overcome shame associated with reproductive organs and get tested early, therefore increasing the breast cancer survival rate. My argument was that, perhaps, if more awareness was raised around the world, people all over the world might be more likely to be tested earlier and bring mortality rates for the disease down.
Azra at Muslimah Media Watch brought to my attention that shame about bodies is something that happens regardless of background or birthplace in this response. Cancer screenings can be awkward and upsetting (not to mention painful) no matter where you are. Hopefully, Azra is going to be participating in a podcast panel discussion for Gender Across Borders on the issue. I’m excited to participate in this discussion, and I’ll definitely point you all towards it if/when it airs!
My post here is just a very quick post because I wanted to bring these articles to your attention and the issue deserves much more consideration and discussion. If you have any other related articles or studies, please post them in the comments! But please, do, take a look especially at Azra’s article.
And, on a related (and self-promoting) note, I only have $65 left before I reach my $1800 goal for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer! And it’s a week and a half away! Donate now, if you can!
The Rut: A Reflection on my Academic Year
May 24th, 2011“Will you miss us?”
At the end of every year, this is the question on the tip of all the students’ tongues. They want to know if you’ll miss them, if you’ll think about them over the summer, if you’ll look forward to seeing them in the hallways next year.
The answer is always “Yes,” of course, but teachers’ lives are incredibly cyclical. Every August, you go back into your classroom and set up for the year to come. Every October, the routine sets in and you see a long stretch of academia in front of you and you feel like you might not make it to winter break. Every December, you’re filled with inspiration about the semester to come. Every February, you are so sick of being cold and the students are suffering from cabin fever and you’re not sure you’ll make it to summer. Every May, you say goodbye, tear down all the bulletein boards you so painstakingly set up in August and updated religiously throughout the year, and dream of pools, beach reading, and what you’ll do differently next year to make your teaching, your craft, your art even better.
Students’ lives are similarly cyclical, but they are done with your class when they leave it on that last day. They want to be missed, and they look foward to bigger and better things, whatever those may be. Teachers’ work, however, is never done, and rather than looking foward to bigger and better things, we look foward to a clean slate, new challenges, constant improvement, and inspiring and being inspired by new students.
Every teacher has bad years, good years, fun years, sad years, years where they’re soaring above the clouds, years where it’s all they can do to tread water.
This year, for me, was not a bad year or a sad year, but it didn’t seem like a good year or a fun year either. Of course, there were bad days, dad days, good days, and fun days, but overall, I’d call this a Rut Year.
If you’ll recall, I had some personal stuff going on this year. My entire August through October was taken up with wedding planning and subsequent wedding recovery. Once that was over, my best friend got married in December and then the holidays were upon us. When we got back to school in January, I started directing a play and planning a tournament at our school, which lasted until mid-March. Spring break was the first time I really got a chance to sit down and think about the school year in progress and I realized something scary: I made almost no improvement to my teaching this year.
This isn’t to say I feel like I”m a bad teacher or I taught poorly this year. I just did what worked last year and made very few changes. I don’t fault myself for it, and I doubt anyone can fault me for it either considering everything I had going on this year, and some years just have to be like that, but if I’m not growing, I’m not happy. That’s one of the reasons I chose teaching in the first place; I wanted to continually grow and change and never be bored.
So, at the end of this year’s academic cycle, of course I will miss my current students and look forward to seeing them in the hallways next year. But I am really looking forward to a clean slate, and a school year during which I can better negotiate the work/personal life balance. I want to tip it a bit more toward the “work” side next year and put some more time into redesigning my curriculum, coming up with new and eye-opening works for my students to read and discuss, creating and implementing new projects to foster critical thinking, and making connections with my students.
I know that next year there will be good days and bad days, sad days and fun days, but I am hoping that, if I spend some time on my own professional growth next year, I will discover new and interesting things about myself and my future students will discover new and interesting things about literature, their own thoughts and dreams, and their community.
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Dog Days of Summer
May 16th, 2011Last week in the Chicagoland area, we were blessed with about four days of blissful, summeresque heat and sun. (True to Chicago form, however, this was followed by a weekend of rain and near-freezing temperatures.) On the first hot, sunny day, I drove into our apartment complex parking lot and saw so many people outside, taking their cute dogs on leisurely strolls. And it dawned on me: I need a dog.
Now, Tim and I have actually been talking about getting a dog for a while now. When we moved in together in July, we wanted a dog, but thought it better to wait until after the wedding. After the wedding, we wanted a dog, but were recovering for quite some time. After we recovered from the wedding, we were both coaching (or, in my case, “coaching”) so we decided to wait. While we were coaching, we decided that it would be best to wait for a house with a yard so the dog could go outside and play. Then, we decided to wait a year to save more money before we bought a house, and that’s where the conversation pretty much stopped.
But, seeing those dog walkers so happy on that beautiful, summery day solidified it for me. I needed a dog. Tim, fortunately, agreed. He needed a dog, too.
This wasn’t just a fleeting desire for a dog. This was a need. We needed a dog to play with, to walk, to give us some incentive to get off the couch and put the potato chips away after school, to give us something furry to dote on. And, true to form, we needed to adopt one from a shelter.
So we took a few days and researched all the local shelters online. Then we visited one and didn’t find a dog that fit our lifestyle (or our lease – pitbulls and pitbull mixes are not allowed, even though they’re very sweet dogs). On a whim, the next day, Tim and I met at another local shelter after work. When I got there, he had already played with a dog that he liked. We took her out again, played with her some more, and our decision was made.
We took the night to “sleep on it,” which actually meant go to PetSmart and spend about a bajillion dollars on dog stuff, and picked her up on Saturday. So, everyone, meet Penelope Sam-Rob (yup, her last name is hyphenated 🙂 )! We call her Penny for short. Click on the images to enlarge.
Quick Hit: The Kid-Free Twitter List
May 6th, 2011Let’s keep the baby train rolling today, shall we?
Today’s link comes from Janni, who alerted me to this via Twitter yesterday. This story is about a woman who made a twitter list of tweeps over 30 without children and the surprising backlash she received from people she thought were her friends. More surprising still are the comments on the post, which are actually wonderfully supportive of this woman’s choice to not have children!
But don’t take my word for it. Read it for yourself!
Happy Friday!
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Baby Blasphemy
May 5th, 2011Today, the baby theme continues. I was reminded through yesterday’s post and the subsequent (awesome) comments of a time in my classroom when I told my students I’m not having kids 1.
There was an audible gasp, and then silence. In my lively classes, silence is often unexpected and awkward.
After a few seconds, it was clear the students just didn’t know what to say, so I said, “I know. Blasphemy.” They laughed, and we moved on.
But it got me thinking: Where does this mentality come from? I had an entire class in which a majority of the students are not parents completely aghast at the thought of their teacher not having children. I’ve come to expect the surprise and subsequent persuasion from people who are parents – It’s kind of like having a wedding or something else equally huge. People just want you to share in the happiness they have in the same way they did. I mean, it’s annoying, but I get it. When I talk about all the reasons I don’t want kids, it makes some sense that a glowing mother might tell me all that pales in comparison to the joy you feel when you have a child. Because, in their experience, it does.
But these students have no knowledge of the joy of children. For them, it’s purely a social construct: You get married, you have children. That’s it. Done. And deviating from the accepted norm is surprising. And, having had this conversation with other students before in relation to keeping my name (“But what about the children?!”), I know the persuasion was just a few minutes away. Which is why I made a joke and moved on.
It’s the same thing when we tell people older than us that we don’t really want children and they say, “Don’t worry. You will.” I started to talk about this yesterday and had to cut myself off for the sake of the post, but this statement just boggles my mind. First, there’s the assumption that we will change our minds. Which is a possibility I’m open to, but we don’t really do it very often. Second, there’s an assumption and an implication that this attitude of ours is something we do and should worry about. Third, and maybe worst of all, is the implication that we’re just young and don’t know anything yet.
Where does this start? What makes my students shocked that we don’t necessarily want children? What makes grown adults who have experienced this life-altering experience so shocked that we don’t want children? And what makes people think it’s OK to comment on or ask about a very private decision that a couple makes that changes their lives forever? You could say parents and the media influence us from a very young age that this is just what people do, but I can’t ever remember my parents giving me the assumption that I would grow up and get married and have kids. (In fact, I remember being very young (like five years old – can you verify, Mom? 🙂 ) and telling my mom I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have a baby, and she said, “Well, then, don’t.” Then again, maybe that’s why I feel OK saying I don’t want children – because I was empowered from a very young age to make that decision myself. (I have a good mommy!)
I don’t know. This is all just kind of tumblirng around and I’m not quite sure what to make of it. Your comments yesterday were so insightful – I’d be interested to hear your take on these extended thoughts of mine. And, with that, I’ll leave it open for you.
Do I have to give birth to my baby? (Thoughts on Adoption)
May 4th, 2011When I tell people that Tim and I don’t necessarily want to have children, I get a lot of mixed responses. Mostly, people ask why which, I’ve come to understand, is maybe a fair question considering Tim and I are both teachers and have chosen to dedicate our lives to educating children. So why not have children of our own? About equally, people tell us, “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll want them someday.” (Don’t worry? I wasn’t worried in the least. Not wanting kids is not like a bad cold or a shortage of money or a breakup to which you might be told “Don’t worry. It’ll get better.” But I digress.) I’m open to changing my mind about this topic – don’t get me wrong – but I’m not counting on it happening.
Occasionally, someone will tell me,”Oh, but you’d be so cute pregnant!” (Yes, because cuteness for nine months is a good reason to alter your life forever) or, “But you’re so good with kids!” (Yes, I am. Again, I’m a teacher. I like little kids, too, especially when I can give them back to their parents. And, honestly, I have never held a baby under 1 year old. Never. Scouts honor. They terrify the crap out of me. Always have.)
People talk about the joy and satisfaction and the you’ll-never-do-anything-greater feeling that is derived from childrearing. People, really, will do anything to persuade you to have children. Which I do not understand. If you’re not ready, wait. If you’re never ready, don’t do it.
However, through all of my tough façade, I really do like kids, and I really do feel like there might come a point in our lives when Tim and I are done traveling and eating out and drinking wine and we’re ready to settle down a little bit and jump on the baby bandwagon. But, to be honest, pregnancy scares the bejesus out of me. I don’t want my body to be a host for another body. I don’t want to have everyone and their mother telling me what I can and can’t do to my body whilst pregnant. I don’t want to be put in a life or death situation where I have to decide between me and the baby. I don’t want to gain weight. I don’t want the pain. I don’t want to have a 6-8 week recovery off of work. I absoultely do not want a C-section because surgery scares me more than anything.
Most of all, I don’t want to have to stop drinking wine. 😉
Now, Tim and I have talked about adoption as a possibility. There are so many babies out there without homes, and that seems like a really great way to have a baby and not be pregnant. Not to mention, my best friend was adopted and has a wonderful life. Of course, articles like this one about women being pressured to give up their babies for adoption really scare me, too, but I imagine that, (like anything) with some research, we could find an adoption agency that isn’t totally shady.
But when I tell people my thoughts on adoption (or even when I don’t, sometimes these opinions are just offered to me), I’m sometimes told that, no matter what I do, an adopted baby wouldn’t be my baby. Or I’m told that I should have my own baby if I can because I’d want it to look like me or Tim. Or that it’d be fun. Or that pregnancy is worth it to have your own baby.
Or that if I can have my own baby, I should because I don’t know what I’m missing and there are women who desperately want to be pregnant out there that can’t.
I’m not so sure what my ability and desire to be pregnant (if I even have that ability – having never been pregnant, I couldn’t even tell you) has to do with other women’s ability and desire to be pregnant. I’m desperately sorry for women who want to be pregnant more than anything but who can’t. But I’m certainly not going to tell someone who is pregnant and who doesn’t want to be – or someone who isn’t and doesn’t want to be – that they don’t know how lucky they are.
Here’s the thing. For many women, it’s either have a baby or don’t have a baby at all. And that’s fine, if that’s what you want. But don’t tell women with unwanted pregnancies they take pregnancy and childrearing for granted if you’re not willing to adopt a baby that someone else couldn’t take care of for whatever reason. And don’t undermine my desire and ability to adopt just because… well why? Why would you? Because it isn’t my baby? Why isn’t it my baby? If I love and care for and would do anything for that child, why isn’t it my baby?
I usually leave these conversations infuriated and frustrated with nothing to really say in return. It’s a crossing of beliefs, and I’m not going to change anyone’s mind by spouting out statistics about how many babies are waiting to be adopted or how many pregnancies go bad or how many women suffer postpartum depression. But I would like something to say in return other than, “You worry about your family and I’ll worry about mine.” It’s just such an emotional issue – and one that I’m still sorting out in my head – that the snarky comebacks haven’t come to me yet. I’m open to suggestions.
Royal Musings
April 29th, 2011I later asked him if he was so vehemently opposed to the British royal affair because he is Irish. He just laughed and shook his head.
I participated in this piece of pop culture history like I’ve participated in pretty much every piece of pop culture history. I ignored and didn’t participate in most of the hype, but I tuned in for the event. Sort of like the Seinfeld series finale. I hadn’t watched a single episode, but felt the need to participate in the “making of history” and so tuned in for the last show.
Throughout the Royal Wedding countdown, I was not envious of Kate Middleton in the least. I mean, I felt enough stress and pressure without being scrutinized an analyzied every step of the way. And the wedding, although beautiful, was so steeped in tradition and hierarchy that it’s difficult to imagine a flaming liberal American such as myself in this princess fantasy.
I would like to share a few notes on the analysis I heard this morning, though, because I found bits of the commentary very interesting:
But, Kate was beautiful and they both looked so happy and in love, which is what weddings are all about, right? I think the whole thing was gorgeous and happy and I’m glad I saw it.
Did you watch the Royal Wedding this morning? What were your thoughts?
Perfection
April 25th, 2011If you had a wedding and you’re anything like me – and probably 90% of women all over the world – you felt some pressure to be perfect for your wedding. This may or may not have included extra workouts, smaller portions, primping for bridal showers and bachelorette parties, practicing your looks for the big day. And it didn’t stop there, did it? You were expected to smile from ear to ear at all of these parties, gush about all of your wedding details, kiss your fiancé on demand, please everyone involved in the wedding-planning process, budget down to the last cent, and just be an all-around sweetheart. And that’s not even mentioning all the things you’re supposed to frantically learn to do before you get married in order to be the Perfect Wife, if you believe what the buzzing women say to you at all of these parties: you need to cook and clean (or learn how to – and fast) and beware of your husband’s irritation when you spend too much money or wear sweatpants around the house or become too argumentative or opinionated.
Of course, most of us probably look at that list and nod a bit in agreement, but then spout out streams of words about how we just ignored all that societal pressure and did whatever we wanted and continue to do so in our marriages. But even in that, there’s a desire to strive toward perfection. Some of us want so badly not to be like the status quo, we try so hard to be perfect, liberal poster-women for the feminist movement, and that can be just as stressful to keep up.
And then your wedding day comes around, and it is more or less perfect. Granted, there will always be things that go wrong or don’t happen that were supposed to, but you feel beautiful, happy, excited, feminine, and all those other wonderful adjectives. Your new husband looks at you with wonder like never before, and your family and friends are just so supportive and proud. It’s perfect; you’re perfect; everything is perfect. The payoff is worth all the strained smiles and workouts and practice.
Before you know it, you’re married and you’re so used to straining towards perfection that you just continue to do it naturally. You dress up even when lounging around the house. You cook elaborate meals for the heck of it. You balance your checkbook down to the last cent. You have a cold beer waiting for your new hubby when he comes home from work. You feel a little guilty if you’re hair isn’t done or if you throw quick, frozen meals in the oven or – heaven forbid! – ask your husband to get dinner ready. You count calories so as to avoid being one of those women who gains weight after the wedding. You spend time tidying up around the house so it looks presentable and neat no matter what.
Don’t even try telling me this is just me – you know you felt or feel a little bit of this pressure, too.
I’m still trying to get over this need to be perfect. In that way, the book Good Enough is the New Perfect (and Friday’s guest post about the New Perfect Marriage) were actually very intriguing to me (even though I found the book as a whole less than perfect (ba-dum-ching!)). The idea that I can – and should – let go of some of this need for perfection is not a new one to me, and it’s definitely a work in progress. But, let’s face it, I’ve been married for six months and I’m still feeling the urge to not only do this marriage right, but do it the best, gosh darnit – completely forgetting that it’s not a competition, nor is it even necessary do it perfectly to do it right. Because sometimes, doing it right isn’t doing it “perfect.” It’s doing what’s right for you at that given moment in time, and allowing for changed minds and differing opinions and overspending a few times and frozen meals and sweatpants. It’s about allowing love to grow, not about forcing perfection.
Granted, some days will more perfect or less perfect than others, but the big picture is the thing you’re shooting for, and after six months of marriage, it’s hard to see the big picture. Because there isn’t one yet. You can dream about the big picture – plan for it and hope for it – but you can’t see it. It’s much harder to let go of the day-to-day-perfection in favor of big-picture-perfection when the big picture is still out of reach. But it’s all the more important to let go of that day-to-day-perfection when your marriage is still young, because it’s so easy to get hung up in the details and miss what’s going on around you and, before you know it, the big picture has completely passed you by.
I like being perfect. Ask anyone. I don’t settle for less. Some might call me a perfectionist. So this is an uphill battle for me, but a necessary one. I’m starting to feel more comfortable in my wife role and in our new home, and that has helped. And Tim has absolutely no expectations for me, which also helps. But I need to be careful to focus on the big picture, or else I’m going to get completely lost in the little details. And I’m going to start by buying myself some really nice sweatpants.
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