Small Strokes Big Oaks

You guys. It is summer. And I can honestly say that I have earned this summer break more than I have ever earned a break before. It usually takes me about a week or two to let my brain rest and then get bored enough to get back into working on this little blog and other writing opportunities, but during that week off, I’m always thinking about things to do and making a list of all of the things I want to get accomplished during the summer and articles I want to write and things I want to tell everyone about.

This past week? None of that. No thinking. No planning. Not much but watching television and cooking a ton of food and sleeping. I just couldn’t do it, and every time I thought I should get off my butt and do something, my brain screamed with every neuron and synapse, “I DON’T WANNA!!!” and I would sit back down.

I don’t really want to complain on here, especially since I feel like I’ve been doing that a lot lately in real life, and also a lot of the complaining I would do at this point is about my job, and I don’t feel comfortable doing that on the internets. Needless to say, it’s been a tough year. On top of the job stuff, I have been dealing with the following, more personal problems:

• Mild adult (hormonal) acne: I say mild because, when I put makeup on, you really can’t tell that it’s there, but for the woman who didn’t even wear foundation to her own wedding, having to put on even minimal makeup every day to feel good about myself is a major downer.
• Hormones: See above. I would also love to write a post entirely about the pros and cons of the BCP, but I don’t really feel comfortable putting all that out there yet.
• Baby fever: Again, see above. I don’t really want a baby right now, but it’s been tough to distinguish between what I want and what my body is telling me it wants.
• The single worst year of my teaching experience thus far: I said I wouldn’t complain about my job, and I’m not going to. Objectively and long-term, I really love my job but this year was just so hard. So. Hard.
• Loneliness: I know you’re not supposed to feel lonely when you have a husband and two dogs who are always home with you, but since a lot of my friends either moved or had kids, I feel like I’m left with no one to talk to.
• Perfectionism: We’ve been in this new house for a year now, and I want it all to be perfect. Right. Now. You know what else I want to be perfect? My clothes and skin and (when the skin doesn’t cooperate) makeup. It’s exhausting and, not to mention, A) Who has money for that? and B) Who has time for that? But I tried to make it work, friends. I really did. And I went crazy doing it.
• Having it all vs. wanting it all: I had so many days when I would sit down and take stock of my life and be happy. But I had just as many days when I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I wanted a baby or a book deal or a PhD or a trip to Europe. A lot of the times, I don’t even know if I knew what I wanted.

Geeze. When I write it all down, it seems even more terrible than it felt living it. That’s OK; it’s cathartic, which is what this post is supposed to be. Here’s the thing though: In the past week that I’ve been off of school, a lot of healing has begun. I don’t know if it’s the sun or the extra sleep or the change in my diet or just the relaxation, but my moods seem to be evening themselves out and, though my acne probably isn’t gone but I’ve had a few blissful weeks where it hasn’t been bad at all. I have been able to get outside and work in the yard – hard work, the best kind of exercise, and the yard looks great. I’m not obsessing over what the house looks like or what I look like – you should see what I’m wearing right now; I don’t even think I showered this morning – and I’m just being happy. As far as the loneliness goes, I’m working on being a better friend to those I have both near and far, and I’m hoping that will be reciprocated.

And my job? My job will get better. Next year will be a better year. At the very least, next year will be a new year, with new challenges and accomplishments. Already, I know I’ll have a senior AP class, which will be a nice break from teaching the same thing all day. I also know I’ll be assistant coaching the speech team, which will give me a chance to get really involved in something I love. Though I’m looking forward to a full two and a half months off, I’m already excited to see what next year will bring.

I’ve also been thinking quite a bit about what to do with this little site of mine. I’ve used this site for many things: tracking my studies in grad school, venting about wedding planning and marriage, writing about important news in the women’s rights field, sharing interesting stories and lessons about teaching. The thing is that now, though, I’m writing about all of those really important things in other really important places, so I either don’t have time or don’t really want to write about them here.

So. What to do?

I thought I could either just keep this site as a record of places I have been published, which is kind of boring, or I could use it to update you on stuff that is going on with me, and stuff that I just love (like nail art! I LOVE nail art!) and love doing. DIY, home improvements, fashion, and cooking (did I mention that I went Paleo a week ago – I did, and I want to share all of my food-related discoveries with you) with a dash of feminism. I’d also love to try out some video blogs. Those are the things that make me really happy, and so those are the things that I’m going to write about for you. Hopefully they will make you happy, too!

I’m excited about this new direction I’m going in. I’m really proud of making this house a home and discovering things about myself along the way. Hopefully that can help some of you, too.

Featured Image Credit: Steve Wilson