Small Strokes Big Oaks

This is a cross post from Carrie at Don’t Be Afraid to Open Your Eyes, reprinted here with permission. And, don’t forget, she’s hosting our July Feminist Odyssey Blog Carnival on Wednesday, July 25! Be sure to check that out, too!

When I was a sophomore in high school, my Gay-Straight Alliance hosted an event called “Tales From the Closet.” It was an open mic night, during which teachers and students (myself included) sat on stage and told their coming out stories. Many of the speakers were LGBT-identified, but not all of them were – allies told stories, too, about how they became supporters of LGBT rights. There were funny stories, sad stories, and surprising stories, but the one unifying factor was that everyone’s story was different. The idea behind the event was that everybody has a story, and everybody should have an opportunity to share that story publicly. It was an empowering night, and one that has stuck with me for the past decade.

I remember that night often, particularly whenever I hear stories about public figures coming out (or, at least, starting to publicly identify) as LGBT. Even with actors or musicians or politicians whose careers and lives I don’t follow, I’m always curious to read their coming out narratives and their public declarations of queerness. It’s really true that everyone has a story, and when people in the spotlight use their fame to share their stories, they have the power to change hearts and minds. They also have the power to make life easier for young queer people who lack role models and feel isolated in their communities. Never underestimate the political and cultural power of a good coming out story.

But there’s one critical caveat that is often ignored: ultimately, none of this is our business. A stranger’s coming out process should not be in the public’s control. While I wish everyone talked openly and publicly about their sexual identities, the reality is that some people don’t feel safe doing so. Some people don’t fit neatly into “Gay” and “Straight” boxes and have difficulty articulating their identities. And some people are just private. And that is okay. Nobody should ever feel pressured or obligated to be out or to be a spokesperson for the movement.

This has been on my mind a lot in the weeks since Anderson Cooper publicly came out. I say “publicly,” because Cooper has always been out. As he wrote in his statement, “I have always been very open and honest about this part of my life with my friends, my family, and my colleagues,” meaning he’s not any different than any other LGBT person who’s openly LGBT. The only difference is that he’s on television, and as a result, people who don’t know him, who aren’t a part of his life, feel connected to him and feel that they deserve to know his business.

But we don’t. None of us do.

For a long time, like many people, I desperately wanted Cooper to come out. For years, his identity as a gay man was viewed as an “open secret” – something that we all knew, but something that wasn’t publicly acknowledged. I believed that, as a public figure with significant influence, Cooper was being selfish by not talking about his sexuality publicly. “He’s living a lie,” I thought. “He’s not being a good role model for queer youth. He’s trying to hide something. Who does he think he is?”

And then, earlier this month, Cooper came out. As I read his statement, something in me changed. I began to realize that the pressure that I – and others – placed on him with our speculation was completely unfair. We have no way of knowing whether he came out due to pressure or due to his authentic, genuine desire to do so, but I think it was a mix of both. I don’t think he would have come out if he didn’t want to, but I also think that if the pressure and speculation hadn’t been a factor, he would have been happy to continue living his life privately. I’m glad Cooper came out, and I’m glad that he felt comfortable doing so. But his doing so has absolutely changed my perspective on what we talk about when we talk about coming out.

Coming out is terrifying. I’ve come out several times, as my own understanding of my identity has shifted, and the process has been scary every time. You never know how people will react. You never know how it might change your relationships. You never know how it will impact your job security and safety and wellbeing. As a result, coming out should always be an intensely personal decision. While I believe there’s truth behind the phrase “the personal is political,” I do not believe that people have an obligation to come out for political reasons. When it comes to celebrities and public figures, we often assume that there’s a political and social obligation to be out. But truthfully, there isn’t.

Now that Cooper is publicly out, he is in a vulnerable position. Part of the reason he didn’t openly discuss his sexuality for so long is because of his job. As he wrote:

Since I started as a reporter in war zones 20 years ago, I’ve often found myself in some very dangerous places. For my safety and the safety of those I work with, I try to blend in as much as possible, and prefer to stick to my job of telling other people’s stories, and not my own. I have found that sometimes the less an interview subject knows about me, the better I can safely and effectively do my job as a journalist.

Cooper’s personal safety never occurred to me as a reason why he might not feel like coming out. It’s a very, very good reason, and now that I know it, I wish I hadn’t contributed to the speculation. The man deserves his privacy, as we all do. And while his being out will probably do some good for gay visibility, is it worth the security he’s now sacrificed? I don’t know. I hope it is. But I feel some guilt over it, and it’s causing me to think twice about perpetuating speculation of others in the future.

My thought process on this is evolving. I still believe that everybody has a story, and everybody should have an opportunity to share that story publicly. But having the opportunity is not the same as having the obligation. Despite numerous advances, our culture is still a dangerous one for LGBT people, and while coming out is one way of raising visibility and increasing societal acceptance of queer people, it isn’t the only way. And before we start the next round of gossip about which celebrity may or may not be gay, let’s pause and lay off the pressure, so that people can truly tell their coming out stories in their own way and in their own time, if at all.

Photo Credit: mroach