Small Strokes Big Oaks

This is a cross-post from The Mamafesto, reprinted here with permission and edited from the original for language and length.

Trigger Warning: Multiple mentions of rape, rape culture, and sexual assault throughout this post. 

If you’ve somehow been unplugged for the last day or so, let me catch you up to speed. This happened: Comedian Daniel Tosh was performing stand up and made some jokes about rape, an audience member called out that rape jokes are never funny, and according to her, he decided the best way to handle her outburst was to respond with:

“Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her…”

The incident was shared via a Tumblr post and… the internet exploded. Everyone had an opinion – on whether or not you can even joke about rape, about Tosh’s non-apology, about how to make a rape joke, and many spoke up in support of Tosh. (I also love Bitch‘s Douchebag Decree that sums up everything to a T)

I’m not a comedian, and am only occasionally (mostly not on purpose) funny. I’m not here to comment on humor or what passes as a joke these days. However, an unintended conversation on Twitter yesterday, coupled with a story from a friend got me thinking.

Last night I found myself engaged with a comedian who didn’t quite understand why everyone was so up in arms over Tosh’s “joke.” Relax. Take a chill pill. You’re overreacting. You have no sense of humor, etc… I did my best to not engage, but when he verbally attacked a friend of mine, I stepped in. I was rational. I was calm. I made some logical points. And yet…

(I’ve chosen not to share screen caps of our conversation because I don’t need to give this guy any more attention. The bolding are my doing).

Him: The idea of “rape culture” is your cross to bear, I’m afraid. Not everyone believes in it. Like alien abduction.

Me:  how can you not believe in it when 1/6 women are victims of rape/attempted rape? coincidence? (And I linked to: http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims)

Him: Because the idea of rape being a culture is a very specific idea propagated by a very specific group that I am not part of.

Me: rape culture means that as a society we fail 2 be a part of the solution when it comes to rape. regardless of individuality. and when you make “jokes” or observations or attacks or whatever you want to call it, you become part of that problem.

Him: It’s a very extreme feminist viewpoint, which I can’t get behind. Rape’s already illegal and immoral. What else do you want?

Me: Not everyone agrees it’s immoral or there wouldn’t be rape. or people joking about it. or people saying she was “asking for it.” or people saying she “led him on/teased him.”

Him: Those two things are bull, I agree. But they are not my problem, or society’s problem. They are a rapist’s problem.

Me: when you make “jokes” or observations or attacks or whatever you want to call it, you become part of that problem.

Him: No I don’t. That’s where it goes off the rails. My words don’t cause people to get raped or rape each other. That’s nonsense.

Me:  words may not *cause* rape but they allow others 2 feel ok laughing about it-normalizing it in society when its anything but.

* * *

That. That conversation right there is why Tosh’s “joke” aimed at an audience member is unacceptable. There are people who believe that their words don’t matter. The fact that there are people that live in the same world I do who don’t believe that rape culture exists makes it very dangerous to have jokes like Tosh’s not only applauded but defended. Beyond thinking that “rape culture” is an extremist point of view, this guy shrugs off any responsibility (for himself and society) as far as rape goes.

Perhaps this comedian has never felt the need to cross the street while walking home alone late at night to avoid a potential situation. Perhaps this comedian has never had to question if the clothes he’s wearing might give somebody the wrong impression. Perhaps this comedian has never had to repeatedly tell somebody no because they just didn’t get it.

Read the rest of the post at The Mamafesto! It’s REALLY GOOD! Go! Do it!

Photo Credit: redfriday