Perfectly Equal Partners
Many people tell me that it is absolutely impossible to have a perfectly equal partnership with someone you marry. And this is most often the criticism I get when I say I write about gender equality in marriage. To which I say…
You’re right.
I write here about equality in partnerships all the time, but let’s be realistic. It is impossible to have an equal partnership with someone. There will always be one person doing more housework or making more money or working longer hours or caring for the children more than the other. Sometimes, responsibilities shift between partners throughout life, but there will almost always be someone doing more at home or more at work than the other person.
But isn’t that sort of the point?
Think about it. You not only get married for love, but also so you can have someone to help you out through your life. It’s kind of nice to be able to say, “Hey, I have to stay late at the office tonight. Can you make dinner instead?” It doesn’t make you less of a feminist if you’re the one making that dinner and he’s the one staying late at the office. It just makes you a partner.
But that’s just my opinion. Maybe I’m using it to justify my adaptation of traditional gender roles in my relationship.
What do you think?
I don’t know if you are justifying traditional gender roles. Maybe it’s actually coincidence that the roles split along those lines.
My partner and I are both women. Our roles tend to split along the lines of physical difference and skill. I’m bigger and stronger than my partner, so tasks that depend on size and strength tend to fall to me. She is much more up on our kitty’s medical problems than I am, so she is the de facto primary contact with the vet. I love to drive. She hates it (and gave up her licence), but she’s a pretty good navigator. For me, cooking is a labour of love. She is far better than I am at planning activities. And sadly, we both hate cleaning. 🙂
I tend to think less in terms of equality and more in terms of balance. And I imagine that only the two people involved in a partnership can determine whether they have found balance or not. I guess that might encompass splits along traditional gender lines if that’s what the partners feel is right for them.
I think it ends up about the same way. Can my partner cook? Sure! But I do the majority of the cooking because I LOVE to cook and experiment with new things (plus if I want to eat before 9 at night…). He tends to grill in the summer because I know that if I did, I’d burn not only the food but myself and our apartment building (he also makes a mean breakfast). I don’t think of this as subscribing to certain gender roles–I just think that this is something I like to do so I do it.
When it comes to cleaning, that’s always a battle–mainly because we both have different degrees of what we consider “dirty” in the apartment. He’s a grown-up and knows how to clean up after himself so I’m not following him around with a trash bin and a broom.
He identifies himself as a feminist and thinks that we have an equal partnership, and I think that when you’re in a partnership, things just melt together. Is it ever going to be 100% perfect all the time? No. In the long run, I’ll end up making more money than he does because I have a 4-year degree and he went to trade school.
Sometimes, though, it’s just a matter of how you view your partnership.
I definitely agree with what you have to say. I feel that as long as you view yourselves as partners and equal work is being done (regardless of where that work is being done) then it really doesn’t matter. You’re both invested in the success of your family.