Cohabitation is bad for you?
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According to The Huffington Post, cohabitation is a bad idea.
“So what’s so wrong with living with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Let’s forget the studies pointing out the booze (cohabitors drink more), weight (they’re heavier) and happiness (they’re not quite as happy as married couples but they aren’t more miserable, either), because those aren’t the issues. Nor are the results of the latest NMP study, “Why Marriage Matters,” which predicts doom and gloom for the children of cohabiting couples. .. [a recent] Pew Study finds similar results, at least when it comes to cohabiting couples’ economic well-being; they’re poorer, and that puts stress on a relationship. A lot of stress.”
Cohabitating couples are poorer? That seems to cut into the economic fears participants expressed. Also, government tax incentives to get hitched provide an additional reason to go ahead and tie the knot. Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis’s rumored split shows that cohabitating doesn’t keep you from breaking up, either.
The study results make a great case for educating people about other forms committed relationships can take. Lisa Haisha, who blogs for The Huffington Post and is in a self-proclaimed “unconventional marriage,” advocates living apart from your spouse as the secret to relationship bliss — and one million Australian couples (both married and unmarried) would agree with her, according to a 2011 study.
Is it just me, or is this article incredibly prescriptive and normative?
I’m married. I believe in marriage. I really like having a partner as I move through my life. I like having a home-base, somewhere I can go and someone I can spend time with to reset myself after a long day of fighting the good fight. But I do not believe marriage is right for everyone, and I might not feel the way I feel now for the rest my life. I also don’t think that I had to get married to have all of the things I love about marriage. In fact, I’m pretty sure our relationship would have remained the same regardless of our marital status.
Frankly, cohabitation is one of the new faces of modern relationships. For whatever reason, people are choosing to live together without getting married, and we need to respect those relationships and those choices as legitimate. Sure, cohabitation doesn’t make you more financially secure, necessarily, but I don’t think it makes you all that much less financially secure, either. And if we’re going to talk about cohabitation not keeping couples from breaking up, I’m pretty certain marriage doesn’t do that, either.
Committed relationships can take many forms. Marriage is one form; cohabitation is another. There are even more options than just those two. We should all avoid pushing one over the others and trying to scare people into getting married, like this article tried to do. Rather, we should listen to people’s thoughts on the matter, should they care to share them, and respect their choices as what they are: what is right for them.
They should probably be more clear on the CAUSES of problems with cohabitation couples- they are probably not any better off living separately, and regardless of what kind of relationship they are in their finances will probably remain stable. A lot of lower income families don’t get married strictly based on finances. They can’t afford a big celebration or even possibly a marriage license (not advocating here that every couple should be married, btw!).
I agree with your sentiments. I mean, I too could take quotes from studies and suggest that they mean you should get married. You can make numbers mean anything you want them to. What are the CAUSES the create these statistics. All I’m seeing here are correlations.
Stephanie – YES YES YES! You hit the nail on the head, I think.
These kinds of articles drive me a little crazy. While I also support marriage and think it has a lot of societal benefits, the real goal is to establish a certain level of commitment. If a couple can live together, raise children together, and establish a lifestyle of their own without being married, what difference does it make? I think there are (or can be) significant symbolic differences in the act of getting married, but I certainly don’t think being married means you love your partner more or are inherently more likely to be with them forever. More than half of all relationships end. I think that means we should embrace each individual couple’s decision as to how to make their relationship work because clearly no one’s been able to come up with the perfect, universal solution.
Anne-
“I think there are (or can be) significant symbolic differences in the act of getting married, but I certainly don’t think being married means you love your partner more or are inherently more likely to be with them forever.”
THIS.
My husband and I cohabitated for four and a half years before we got married. We were fine then and we’re fine now. So, yeah, that article is bogus. UGH!
Isn’t it totally annoying, Carrie? I couldn’t believe it when I read it, myself!
I don’t remember where I saw this (sorry) but apparently, one main reason cohabiting couples are poorer is precisely because they start out with less capital to begin with, and hesitate to marry for this reason. So this is a perfect example of non causa pro causa, or cum hoc ergo propter hoc.
Dom – My thoughts exactly. This article is really pointing at effects and making them causes, rather than finding the causes and forming logical conclusions.
Gah. One of the reasons I’ve resisted marriage is that I’m primarily attracted to women but happen to have found a life partner who is a man. The state where I live is so bigoted and would not allow me to get married in most of the situations (i.e., to most of the partners) I might have otherwise chosen. Which leaves me feeling that — at least a good majority of the time — civil marriage where I live doesn’t want me.
So it angers me that the article would treat marriage as a socially and politically (not to mention financially) neutral concept — when it’s very much not.