“Husband” and “Wife”: Symbols of Archaic Times?
Tim's sister, Tim, and me at a bridal shower. The aprons are from his sister. 🙂
I came across an interesting post at A Practical Wedding the other day about whether or not a woman should call her husband “husband”:
It feels archaic. It feels symbolic of a role he doesn’t play and like a counterpart to a role I don’t play. I’ve yet to find much joy in many of the stops along the traditional marriage life path.
- I didn’t want a diamond. It felt like something I was supposed to want, but didn’t.
- I didn’t change my name when we got married. It felt like giving up a part of myself I wasn’t willing to part with.
- I wasn’t sure I wanted a church wedding, although we ended up doing it for our families, a decision I’m still unsure of.
- I don’t feel a yearning in my loins to bear children. I’m not even sure I like children.
I don’t call him “husband” and he rarely calls me “wife.” Those words feel like what our grandparents used to describe the roles they led. My grandmother, for example, made dinner every night decked out in pearls. My grandfather, on the other hand, sat at the dinner table expecting meat and potatoes and maybe a deliciously neon Jello cup for dessert. Did he help with dinner? No. Did he help clean up? No.
These are the people I think about when I think of an example husband and wife. And these people are not me. Or my husband.
I think this is a really interesting thing to consider, especially because I debated the diamond (but have one), didn’t change my name, didn’t have a church wedding, and don’t really feel the need to have children. I’ve never had a problem with the word “husband.” I mean, it took me almost a full year to get used to calling Tim my husband, but I never had a problem with the term. I saw being able to call Tim “husband” as a term of endearment, sort of like “hon” or “babe” – two terms I also use frequently. Sometimes, I’ll even just call him “husband,” like, “Husband, can you please get me a glass of water?” It seems funny, charming, and cute.
I did, however, have a serious problem with the term “wife.” Not with him using it, per se, but with the term in general. “Wife” has the connotation of a cooking, cleaning, nagging, child-bearing, tied-down woman, and I wanted none of that. It definitely didn’t seem like the term of endearment that “husband” was.
I wonder if this has to do with my preconceived gender notions of how people are supposed to act in a heterosexual marriage. I wonder if seeing so many nagging wives on television or real life friends who got married and gave up the things that they loved, but seeing so many men continue on with their lives like nothing had changed is what made me jaded toward the term.
I have, however, grown to love being a wife, especially a feminist wife, and I think my writing her has really helped with that. I feel like I’ve almost appropriated the term; I’ve made “wife” into what I want it to be, not what others expect. And that actually makes me feel really good.
What do you think about the terms “husband” and “wife?” Do you use them?
I agree: I think wife can become what you want it to be. I understand what the poster at _A Practical Wedding_ is trying to say; she’s pointing out those oppressive stereotypes that some women feel they must uphold. But I also think that you can rewrite/redefine what it means to be a wife. If we don’t redefine it, who will?
It feels weird to me to think of myself as a wife (someday) because my boyfriend and I have been calling each other that for almost five years now. But I do feel like the terms “boyfriend/girlfriend” have run their course. I’ve tried “partner” or “significant other,” but nothing sticks. So I go back to “boyfriend” or his name, hehe.
Eek, sorry! I meant to say that my boyfriend and I have been calling each other “boyfriend/girlfriend” for five years. We’re not calling each other “husband and wife” yet. I clearly need coffee before I get on the interwebz.
“I’ve made ‘wife’ into what I want it to be, not what others expect.”
Exactly. Also, what Liana said, “you can rewrite/redefine what it means to be a wife. If we don’t redefine it, who will?” EXACTLY. I so hate it when people shirk words because they don’t want to be defined by them. Okay, so don’t be defined by them. Redefine them! Woman. Wife. Atheist. Feminist. They all have certain connotations in people’s minds, and that may work against me sometimes, but I’m still going to claim them and be what i think those words should represent.
I like the part about making a wife into what WE are/want to be and not what others expect.
I do disagree that “Wife” (NOW-a-days)has the connotation of a cooking, cleaning, nagging, child-bearing, tied-down woman. I think the modern wife has evolved quite a bit. 🙂
I found your blog via the Mamafesto, and I’m so excited to see someone addressing feminism, marriage and weddings. I ‘grew up’ into my feminism about 6 months before I got married, so I’ve been dragging my husband along through the changes with me.
I’ve found that I don’t mind wife as a signifier (e.g. when my husband introduces me to family and friends), as it is a quick and easy way to define our relationship…but I really dislike the term when it is connected with my role, or how I ought to behave in relation to my husband. (Translation: I reserve the right to accept or reject the term based on how the speaker uses it.)
Its nothing more than a achieved status. By treating the status as a nagging wife would, can only make people only assume what they think they already know.
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