Positive Images of Independent, Married Women in Pop Culture
I set out to write a post a few days back about positive images of independent, married women in pop culture, and I ran into a problem. I couldn’t think of any.
The closest I could come was Mad About You, but, as that show was on when I was very young, I don’t remember most of it. I’m currently waiting for Netflix to deliver the first two discs of season 1, and then I’ll let you know what I find. The second thought (OK, it wasn’t my thought, but I should have thought of it myself 🙂 ) I had was the Bartlets in The West Wing, but even that image of marriage had its issues. When the president went public about his MS, his wife, Abbey, came under scrutiny because she was a doctor and she helped cover it up in the first place. And then she voluntarily suspended her medical license. To save her husband’s job. The only saving grace here is how totally pissed off she was about it.
However, when I asked on Facebook and Twitter for some positive images of marriages, I got lots of responses along the lines of According to Jim, The George Lopez Show, and Friday Night Lights. Now, I may be biased because I hate every single family sitcom out there, but it shocks me to see that people think that A) these women are independent and B) these are good marriages. In almost every single Everybody Loves Raymond-esque sitcom, the wife doesn’t work and drives her husband up a wall on a daily basis by criticizing his every move. I hate to even have to say this, but this is not a positive image of marriage.
I began watching Friday Night Lights on Monday because I had never seen it and was intrigued by the number of people telling me the marriage between the coach and his wife was an awesome example of marriage in popular culture. While it is a fantastic show so far (I have literally cried at every single of the first 9 episodes), and while the coach and his wife do work together very well and work out whatever problem they have, she is far from independent. She doesn’t have a job when the season begins, and when she does get a job, he’s upset about it. Granted, she keeps the job and does what she has to do, but outside of work, she continually plays the role of his beautiful wife, hosting parties and smiling while hanging on his arm at events at his beck and call.
Now, you might argue that this is art imitating life, but I disagree. There are a lot of strong, independent women out there who are married and who don’t exist solely to be arm candy or host parties or complain about their husbands. But where are those images on television? Or in movies? The lack of these images of positive wife role models leaves would-be free thinking women in the dust when it comes to how to have a great marriage and maintain independence and a sense of self. I know part of the reason I had such a hard time during my first year of marriage is that I was trying to negotiate the images I have seen in popular culture (I grew up with Home Improvement, Full House, and then my entire high school was obsessed with Everybody Loves Raymond, Friends, and Sex in the City.) that tell me not only that if I got married, the fun would be over, but also that wives should take care of their husbands, care for children, criticize everything their husbands do wrong, not work, etc.
So I ask you, readers, where are the positive images of wives in pop culture? And how are we – the newly married, independent, free thinking women of society – supposed to turn for an example of how to make it work?
Hm–Home Improvement. I forgot about that one. As those family-based sitcoms go, I actually think that one’s better than most. Remember how Jill decided to go back to grad school to pursue a new career, and the family had to negotiate what that meant for all of them?
As for FNL, I can see your point. But for me what is interesting, is not that she *does* the happy, smiley coach’s wife thing–which she does, frequently–but that she’s constantly struggling against and negotiating and re-negotiating her ability to play this role that the town of Dillon expects her to play. She does it, a lot of the time, because that’s the deal she made when she married Eric. But other times she resists it, and even more other times, she defies it altogether.
You’re right, she’s not independent. Of course she’s not! Neither is he, BTW. They are interdependent. They need each other. Their lives are one life (watch what happens when they try to do long distance marriage in Season 2!) We meet the Taylors about 17 years into their marriage. Their lives are intertwined, which is a constant joy and challenge for them. Tammi Taylor on her own might not be the best example of a feminist career woman (though I still think she does a pretty damn fine job of balancing home, work, and mentoring the young women under her care). But I still think the Taylors’ marriage is the best example of constant growth, negotiation, love, support, affection, and mutual dependence on TV.
OK, I got carried away. I get really, really worked up about FNL, I guess. But this reveals something interesting. Part of this, I think, depends on whether you’re looking for couples just like you, or couples many years later in their marriage. The only young, married, working, childless couple I can even think of on TV are Marshall and Lily from How I Met Your Mother. Or maybe, like, Monica and Chandler from Friends. (That might be an issue in and of itself. Where are these characters? Why aren’t there more of them?)
When the show is about a couple that’s been married for decades, especially if they also have kids and other family concerns, I think what it means to be “independent” changes significantly. We have to look for different characteristics.
Becky,
You bring up a lot of great points here, and some of these I’ve actually thought about and, believe it or not, discussed with Tim last night. Home Improvement is a great example of a family that makes it work when Jill wants to go back to school and start her career. However, in their marrage, Tim is the epitome of the doofy husband who can’t do anything right and who needs his wife to fix it for him most of the time. This, to me, puts them in the same category as Homer and Marge Simpson, or anyone in this video: http://current.com/shows/infomania/90569059_sarah-haskins-in-target-women-doofy-husbands.htm These images are just as detrimental to modern marriages because they paint the men in such a negative light. It’s hard for men to find positive, married role models in pop culture, too.
As far as Friends goes, outwardly, sure, Monica and Chandler have a good marriage that allows them to keep what makes them essentially them. However, that entire show is about how it’s so great to be single in New York City (almost exactly like Sex in the City, but with more men) and the message in that show is really “When you get married, your life is over. No more single fun for you.” And the only solution to that, and to not wreck the core group of single friends you have, is to marry within the group. As far as Lily and Marshall in How I Met Your Mother, same thing. There are entire episodes about how they are so boring because they’re married. Robin even goes so far as to “cheat” on Lily and go out with some single “woo” girls behind her back because she just wants to have some single fun every once in a while.
You make great points about FNL, too, and this is what Tim argued as well. I really like the term “interdependent,” BTW. Perhaps I am looking for more interdependent couples rather than independent, because I am looking for couples that make it work together without losing their sense of self, and, in that case, FNL is a great example. But, at the same time, I think it would be interesting to see some of the characters in that show – married or not – start defying the gender norms that are so ingrained in them from their town. Maybe that happens in later seasons, in which case that will be really cool to see.
Yeah, I agree with you re: Friends and How I Met Your Mother. I’m not especially impressed or moved by either of those examples of marriage–they were just the only ones I could think of! Which just highlights the difficulty/importance of the question you’ve asked.
I can think of one exception to the family sitcom rule – Roseanne and Dan Connor on Roseanne. She’s strong and he’s competent. They both work hard to provide for each other and their children, and while they certainly have problems, they always work through them. (I hear this changes during the last season of the series, which I’ve never watched because it’s supposed to be one of the worst television seasons of any show ever.) But I’ve always loved the way Roseanne talks about gender and class and sexuality and family, and Roseanne and Dan’s marriage is definitely a reflection of their progressive values.
As for Friday Night Lights, I’d say keep watching. I agree with Becky that the Taylor marriage is more about interdependence/working together than anything else, but your concerns about Tami are addressed as the show progresses. And in terms of characters who defy gender norms, stay tuned for Jess Merriweather in Seasons 4 and 5! She’s basically the anti-Lyla Garrity, and she’s totally awesome.
Mmmm… I’m not 100% with you on Marshall and Lilly being an example of a boring married couple. While yes, there are times when they are portrayed as boring, I still believe them to be one of the most equal and realistic couples I’ve ever seen on television. Consider that Lilly supports Marshall when he decides to take an internship at a nonprofit to follow his dreams. They have a very active sex life. They fight, with each other and with their families, and make up like any other couple. They spend quality time alone, and with their friends. And yes, Robin cheats on Lilly with “woo” girls – but in the end Lilly joins them, and Robin herself doesn’t want to be a woo girl all the time, either. The foundation of every episode is the group sitting together at a bar, whether single or in a relationship, laughing and conversing and drinking, having fun. And furthermore… what’s so wrong with being “boring” and married? Isn’t that part of settling down with one other person sometimes? I myself have been accused of being less fun now that I’m engaged (apparently I go home earlier?) but the fact is that I (and Lilly, too) still go out with my girlfriend and cause trouble just as often as I choose to stay home and watch HIMYM with my fiance. I think stability and commitment can be confused for boring, which it’s definitely not. So I throw my lot in with Marshall and Lilly 🙂
I’m with Jillian on this one. I came here to try to compose my thoughts (now that I’m finally home from work) and realized Jillian had already done it. 😉 So… I concur!
Another vote for HIMYM. …That’s all I’ve got, though. And I watch a LOT of TV. Marshall and Lily are, I think, a fantastic role model couple.
You could make an argument for Modern Family, but you could also poke a lot of holes in that argument. Colombian-lady-who’s-married-to-the-guy-from-Married-with-Children is all about breaking up preconceptions, both about Latinas and May-December marriages. Blonde-lady-and-man-child are both neurotic, but they also support each other — or at least try to.
Oh god. What about…and I hope I’m going to get some nerd cred, here…Diana Troi and Commander Riker? Granted, I HATE Troi, but she’s a professional woman whose career is not at all hindered by her marriage to the hunky Riker.
Kim Possible and Firefly had married women who were independent.
You should check out Parenthood. There are 5 moms/wives (brief summaries, w/o major spoilers):
–a grandma who’s trying to figure out how to be her own person, with or without her husband
–a single (divorced) mom down on her luck, living back at home raising her two teenagers
–a married mom with an autistic son and a teenaged daughter – You get to see them talk through a lot of things and be a strong team.
–a working mom (She’s a lawyer whose husband is a stay-at-home dad.)
–a single (never-married) mom of a young boy, trying to balance pursuing her dreams and raising her son
I was really skeptical about this show, but I’ve come to truly enjoy it. It doesn’t hit its stride right away, but keep plugging away through those first few episodes, and it gets a lot better.
*In “You get to see them…” I mean the mom and her husband.
*Also, I should probably say “a son with autism”
Oh my goodness, Parenthood! How could I forget Parenthood? I wholeheartedly agree.
I’d agree with Dan and Roseanne Conner, as being at least a good example of interdependent on each other… Like a lot of real-life couples, there were times where both were working and raising the family, but sometimes he was sole breadwinner, and sometimes she was.
Dropping in from Sunday Self-Promotion.
Seconding Firefly’s Zoe.
Also White Collar’s El, who owns her own successful business. Their relationship isn’t the focus of the show, but she’s consistently shown as making her own decisions, having her own relationships, and having a loving, mutually beneficial relationship with her husband.
Zoe from firefly. She and Wash were the best.