Small Strokes Big Oaks

As feminists, I think we have a tendency to make a lot of things ourselves. This only makes sense because we are socially conscious people. We want to lessen our impact on the environment, so we grow our own gardens and eat local food. We don’t want to support certain companies that have unjust policies, so we make our own peanut butter. This also has a practical implication, as well. Many feminists work in careers that don’t pay much, so having an herb garden, for example, is a necessity if you want fresh herbs. (Have you ever bought fresh herbs at the supermarket? $5 for a tiny packet of basil you can use about one time?! No thanks.)

When feminists plan weddings, this tendency is no different. We want to minimize the impact we make on the environment and our wallets, so we think, Wow, if I did this myself, it would be much better than paying someone to do it for me.

I’m here to say it’s OK if you don’t feel that way. I didn’t. And I don’t regret it.

You can go ahead and comment away and call me selfish or spoiled and tell me about all the food our vendors probably wasted and how we wasted money having other people take pictures for us and how we created a terrible impact on the environment with all those paper invitations and how we could have just gotten beautiful flowers from the farmer’s market and created our own bouquets. But hear me out, first.

This might come as a shock to some people, but DIY does not necessarily save the world. This is first and foremost in my argument that it’s OK not to DIY your entire wedding. There are a lot of hidden costs to doing it yourself. People don’t usually think about the added cost of materials, equipment, etc.? If you’re making all of your own invitations, you still need to buy the paper, and probably a special tool to cut it nicely, and glue, and any accessories you want to attach. And what about the costs you don’t think about? What happens if you screw something up? You’re wasting all that stuff and costing yourself more money and time. Speaking of time, do you know how much time it takes to actually print, fold, cut, stuff, and mail invitations? That stuff would take me months, and it still wouldn’t end up looking the way I wanted it to look. And that’s just one part of the wedding! What about the dress, flowers, music, food, cake, decorations, photos, videos… and I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting. Sure, doing some of that yourself can save you tons of money. We lucked out and got our place cards as part of an invitation package with our vendor (who made those invitations pretty much at cost, actually saving us money), so we didn’t pay much more for them, but would making them myself have saved money? Maybe. Would writing all the names and table numbers on a huge chalkboard outside of the reception area have saved money? Definitely. But that’s more about having a creative idea rather than DIY. And, frankly, my handwriting sucks, so I would have had to have someone else do that for me, anyway.

Which brings me to my next point. I’m not that crafty. I mean, I’m kind of crafty. I have visions of things that are pretty creative, and I can usually execute those visions decently well, but it takes hours and hours of painstaking frustration. See, I’m a perfectionist. If something wasn’t exactly right, I would have lost it. I couldn’t even bring myself to write out my own place cards or hand address the envelopes for the invitations because my handwriting sucks so bad. OK, OK, it’s not that bad. But you know those professors who commented in the margins of your papers and you had to spend a few minutes deciphering what the comments said? Yea, that’s me. I also can’t cut on straight lines or color within the lines, either. So handwriting things was out. I also lack the patience necessary to fold those cool paper flowers that last you forever (But there’s an environmental impact with those, too! They’re paper!), and I definitely lack the ability to incorporate my mom’s wedding veil into a bouquet as well as our florist (who also made our bouquets pretty much at cost, by the way) did.

See how it loops in there, and then is wrapped perfectly around the stems? Yea, I could not have done that.

Now, I know we could have asked family and friends to help us do these things. And I do have some pretty crafty family and friends. We did do some of that, actually. My brother and his friends were DJs (since they do that sort of thing all the time), my brother’s girlfriend made the cupcakes and cake (since she works at a cupcake shop), my uncle did the ceremony, my cousin took our engagement pictures (but wanted to be a guest at the wedding rather than a vendor, and who could blame him for that?). But asking a friend or family member to create the programs and invitations and place cards just seemed too much to ask. Asking them to host and cook for a backyard wedding seemed too much, too. We could have asked, and they would have delivered, but we wanted the day to be stress-free for them as well as for us.

Which brings me to my third point: Stress. This may be shocking to you all, but I am generally a big ball of stress. I kind of hate planning big events, even though I love actually executing them. Finding vendors to do these things for us was stressful enough; I can’t imagine actually doing it all myself. Plus, lots of these things can’t be done until just before the wedding – the flowers, the food, the place cards, etc. I don’t know about you brides out there, but just before our wedding, I was a mess. Or a zombie. It sort of alternated. I was in no state to cook and create. I doubt my resting heart rate got below 100 beats per minute the entire two weeks before the wedding. And that was about the time when everything was already done and taken care of.

Here’s the thing. Obviously I’m not talking about a self-hosted wedding here. I think some of the coolest weddings I’ve seen are outdoor BBQ style, and those are also somehow the most relaxed (which I also think depends on the demeanor of the bride and the demeanor of whoever is doing the actual hosting). If that’s your thing, that’s awesome. Go for it. Do it how you want to do it. I’m talking about having a large, traditional wedding with all of the traditional wedding stuff and creating or doing all of the stuff yourself. It just isn’t necessary if you don’t want to do it.

There are, of course, a few great reasons to DIY your wedding:

1. You like to DIY. It’s fun for you and you’re good at it. Hey, if you like doing it and it relaxes you, you should!
2. You have plenty of time to DIY. If you’re engagement is super long and you can take your time with stuff, by all means, go for it.
3. Your concept for your wedding is so unique that you can’t find vendors to do what you want to do.
4. You find that you can actually save money by doing it yourself. But do your research on this one – price out a few vendors and price out doing it yourself. You might be surprised.

Just don’t decide to DIY a wedding because you’re good at doing stuff but secretly hate it, or because you think everyone will think you’re cool. If you DIY a wedding, you should be proud of yourself for that accomplishment, but if you don’t, you can still be proud of yourself for putting together a great event.

If you choose not to DIY, here are some tips for finding vendors that keep you socially, economically, and environmentally conscious:

1. Ask questions. And not just the standard weddingy questions. Ask if they believe in wedding equality. Ask if they’ve ever catered or photographed a same-sex commitment ceremony. If they say absolutely not, move on and find someone who shares your beliefs. Supporting those vendors with your money can be more powerful than anything you’ve done yourself.
2. Shop around. There are a lot of vendors out there that can save you a lot of money. As I said above, our invitations and flowers were created by women who work out of their home and, therefore, didn’t have a ton of overhead costs and could give us awesome products at about half the price.
3. Look into paper-free options. There are some really awesome web-stationery companies out there. And you can always send a few paper invites to people who don’t use the computer. Or send paper invites and ask for electronic RSVPs.
4. Use friends and family who are professionals. This doesn’t necessarily save you money, but wouldn’t you rather know exactly where your money is going rather than pay someone you don’t know?

Creating your own wedding is a huge accomplishment, and shouldn’t be put down. However, hiring vendors and putting together your wedding that way can be just as huge an accomplishment, and shouldn’t be put down either. And there are ways to remain socially conscious while doing so. As long as you know your limits and abilities, you should feel comfortable doing whatever you want to do.