The Chair
Yesterday, I alluded to an argument Tim and I have been having about pushing in the chair at the dining room table. It’s right by the door of our apartment, and he sits there to put his shoes on any time he goes out and then just leaves the chair out in the middle of the room. We don’t have a whole lot of space in the apartment right now – heck, we don’t even really have a dining room, just a space where we put the table – so having things left around and spread out makes the space seem even smaller than it is. Also, I am a perfectionist. Dinner isn’t done until the kitchen is clean; I can’t go to school unless the couch pillows are fluffed and the bed is made. So having the chair out of place drives me up a wall.
It’s a stupid thing to be mad about all the time. I know it’s stupid. I told Tim it’s stupid. But, at some point this year, it no longer became being angry about the chair. It became being angry about the fact that I told him the chair drove me nuts and could he please push the chair in, PLEASE, and he still didn’t do it.
I could let it go. I probably should let it go. But really, he can’t do this one thing just for me, even though it’s a stupid thing and doesn’t really matter in the scheme of things?
At some point, I truly believe no request is too small. I’m not saying you should jump up and do whatever your partner asks you to do whenever they ask. That’s playing in to their controlling nature and not allowing any room for greater needs and desires to play out in a relationship. But when your partner says, “Listen, I know this is dumb and small, but it would really make me happy if you could push the chair in after you sit in it,” or put the water glasses away after you drink out of them, or put your shoes away after you take them off, or put your dirty clothes in the hamper… or whatever the request may be, is it really too much to ask? Is it something that absolutely cannot be accommodated?
I understand I’m the queen of not picking up my water glasses and leaving shoes lying around, and Tim has told me that this bugs him, so I’ve been trying to be better about it, even though I don’t see the big deal. The big deal is that it bugs him, just like the big deal is that the chair bugs me. So I add to my mental to-do list to put the water glasses in the dishwasher before I leave for the day. And, finally, Tim has also added to his mental to-do list to push the chair in after he uses it. (It’s pretty funny, actually. When I ask him to help me out with something, he comes into the room and checks the chair first thing to be sure that’s not the thing I’m going to ask him about. Baby steps.)
Lots of relationship gurus and veterans say that nit-picking these smaller things can ruin a relationship. They say that women should just move on from these requests and worry about bigger things lest they turn in to a whiny, nagging Deborah from Everybody Loves Raymond. (I hate that show with a burning passion, but that’s neither here nor there.) But I say, why? If it’s something that really gets to you, why can’t you bring that up to your partner and expect that he or she will treat you with respect and honor that? Isn’t accommodating those things just a part of a healthy cohabitation?
When I first moved in with three other girls in college, for example, we all sat down at the table and told each other our pet peeves. Each of us got one pet peeve. Mine was dishes in the sink; one girl’s was strands of hair left in the shower and on the sink; one girl’s was leaving lights on when you left a room; one girl’s was leaving clothes in the dryer after they were done drying. We all took note of these pet peeves and accommodated them. We didn’t leave lights on or clothes in the dryer or dishes in the sink or hair in the shower. And we were all happy! So what changes when it’s a romantic partnership? I may not care if there’s hair in the shower, but if Tim did, I’d wipe it up just like I did for my roommate. In a way, aren’t we roommates with our partners? Aren’t the things we learned in the dorm room in college just good practice for sharing a life with someone?
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I really am just the nagging wife. All I know is the chair has been pushed in and I’m happy. The water glasses have been picked up and Tim’s happy. Is that so wrong?
Sharp observation and good point! Who’s been making up the nagging wife, isn’t that her husband, i.e. a man? He used to come home in a clean, tidy house in the days she was the housewife. In those days the nagging wife came to existance: easy talk for him, because she didn’t leave glasses, shoes, chairs etc. on places they shouldn’t be. Nowadays we are partners, and there is nothing wrong in doing something for eachother, big or small.
This post hit so close to home! I understand exactly how you feel, and I’ve been on both sides of the equation. The two things that irritate my boyfriend (and that he has pointed out to me) are: a) me leaving clothes on the bed b) me washing just one plate or one fork when there’s a sink full of dishes. They are habits left over from when I lived by myself, and I’ve dragged them along with me. I’ve tried hard with the clothes, and rarely leave them on the bed. But the dishes are another issue altogether. Even though it’s a pain for me to wash the dishes, you bring up an important point: if it’s something that irritates the other person, we should be mindful of it. I too had roommates, and I probably would be mindful of their request if that was their request.