Small Strokes Big Oaks

Today’s guest post is from Shelly, one of my favorite internet friends.  Shelly served on the editorial staff of Equality 101 with me, bent over backwards to help me out, and always has made me laugh with her poignant observations of the world around her.  She is a fantastic teacher, always pushing her students to look outside gender stereotypes.  I was also very fortunate to meet Shelly in person when I visited San Diego last summer.  We talked for a while, and then she asked me – and I’ll never forget this – “So, how do I stack up against how you thought I’d be based on my internet personality?”  I was a little taken aback because, after all, us bloggers do put ourselves totally out there on the internet.  But she was right, what we expect based on what we read isn’t always the same as how it really is.  I told her she was exactly how I expected her to be: bubbly, funny, friendly, with just enough sarcasm.  She told me she imagined I was very put-together and dressed nice, which she said turned out to be true, so that was good. 🙂

So when I heard of Shelly’s engagement, I was totally stoked for her.  And when this guest post showed up in my inbox yesterday, I was even more stoked.  This post represents Shelly at her best: fighting sexism with humor and just enough sarcasm.  Congratulations to Shelly, and I hope to hear more from her about her engagement and wedding-planning process!

Sam and I discussed getting married before we were engaged. A lot. We talked time lines, expectations, proposal thoughts, rings, wedding locations, etc. When he proposed, I knew he had already bought the ring. I was definitely surprised when it happened (and where, and how 🙂 ), but I knew more or less it was coming. And seriously, THANK GOD.

The proposal was nothing like I imagined when I was twelve years old and my “science” teacher had us write a letter promising abstinence to our “future spouse.” Also, Thank God.

I count my exposure to feminism as a significant reason that our courtship was different from the start. To explain that, I have to tell you about my first feminist mentor, Val.

In graduate school at SDSU, I was in a Rhetoric of Women’s Rights class taught by Val. She challenged me in so many ways (consciousness raising, anyone?) but one that stuck with me was her problematization of the getting-engaged process. She pointed out one day how gendered the process is–the man decides, spends money on a ring, and then knows when it’s going to happen. He plans what to say, gets mentally prepared, and then, on his terms, pops the question. The woman waits…and waits…and wonders…and hopes, and reads into signs, and over-analyzes her boyfriend’s actions/words, and…waits. Val commented: “I mean why isn’t it a conversation that leads to a mutual decision to get married? Why the proposal lore?”

And, as they say, CLICK. So when Sam and I started getting serious, I told him my thoughts about the proposal process. (Side note: Folks, PLEASE STOP ASKING WOMEN WHEN “HE’S GOING TO PUT A RING ON IT”).

Me: “I just hate that the man has all this control–and the woman just waits while people constantly ask her if it’s going to happen soon, and she just sits in the dark and *hopes* or whatever.”

Sam: “Well we don’t have that kind of relationship. So let’s say it right now, both of us are equally eligible to propose to the other, when we’re ready.”

Me: “I think I’ll be ready after we have lived together for about 6 months.”

Sam: “I think that’s about right. Let’s say that then, after 6 months, we’re both eligible to propose.”

And that frankly, was one of my favorite moments in our relationship. It occurred right before we moved in together. In the meantime, I thought a lot about the proposal I imagined as a child, and I realized that while I hated the power and financial and control issues, I really did want to be proposed to. So I told him, and we talked about it.Then I told him I wanted an ethical ring above all else, and that meant it had to come from Brilliant Earth.

The media gives us these specific ideas about what a “romantic” or “ideal” proposal looks like, and they become the enemy’s outposts in your head. You start thinking “am I not worthy of a proposal that ends up favorited by tons of people on youtube?” And that is where hegemony comes in, and healthy thinking about womanhood ends.

He proposed and it was adorable. It was funny, and sweet, and really meaningful to us. The ring is lovely, and ethical, and we spent the next few hours calling our loved ones. I was surprised, but not scared–ready, happy, and in love.

And by the way, anyone should have the chance to feel what I felt that day if they want–regardless of the gender of the people involved.

Shelly is a graduate student living with her partner, 3 cats, and a turtle in Texas. She blogs at fairandfeminist.com.

This was a guest post about feminism and relationships.  Have something you want to submit?  Send it to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com.  But be sure to check the guest post guidelines first!