Perfection
If you had a wedding and you’re anything like me – and probably 90% of women all over the world – you felt some pressure to be perfect for your wedding. This may or may not have included extra workouts, smaller portions, primping for bridal showers and bachelorette parties, practicing your looks for the big day. And it didn’t stop there, did it? You were expected to smile from ear to ear at all of these parties, gush about all of your wedding details, kiss your fiancé on demand, please everyone involved in the wedding-planning process, budget down to the last cent, and just be an all-around sweetheart. And that’s not even mentioning all the things you’re supposed to frantically learn to do before you get married in order to be the Perfect Wife, if you believe what the buzzing women say to you at all of these parties: you need to cook and clean (or learn how to – and fast) and beware of your husband’s irritation when you spend too much money or wear sweatpants around the house or become too argumentative or opinionated.
Of course, most of us probably look at that list and nod a bit in agreement, but then spout out streams of words about how we just ignored all that societal pressure and did whatever we wanted and continue to do so in our marriages. But even in that, there’s a desire to strive toward perfection. Some of us want so badly not to be like the status quo, we try so hard to be perfect, liberal poster-women for the feminist movement, and that can be just as stressful to keep up.
And then your wedding day comes around, and it is more or less perfect. Granted, there will always be things that go wrong or don’t happen that were supposed to, but you feel beautiful, happy, excited, feminine, and all those other wonderful adjectives. Your new husband looks at you with wonder like never before, and your family and friends are just so supportive and proud. It’s perfect; you’re perfect; everything is perfect. The payoff is worth all the strained smiles and workouts and practice.
Before you know it, you’re married and you’re so used to straining towards perfection that you just continue to do it naturally. You dress up even when lounging around the house. You cook elaborate meals for the heck of it. You balance your checkbook down to the last cent. You have a cold beer waiting for your new hubby when he comes home from work. You feel a little guilty if you’re hair isn’t done or if you throw quick, frozen meals in the oven or – heaven forbid! – ask your husband to get dinner ready. You count calories so as to avoid being one of those women who gains weight after the wedding. You spend time tidying up around the house so it looks presentable and neat no matter what.
Don’t even try telling me this is just me – you know you felt or feel a little bit of this pressure, too.
I’m still trying to get over this need to be perfect. In that way, the book Good Enough is the New Perfect (and Friday’s guest post about the New Perfect Marriage) were actually very intriguing to me (even though I found the book as a whole less than perfect (ba-dum-ching!)). The idea that I can – and should – let go of some of this need for perfection is not a new one to me, and it’s definitely a work in progress. But, let’s face it, I’ve been married for six months and I’m still feeling the urge to not only do this marriage right, but do it the best, gosh darnit – completely forgetting that it’s not a competition, nor is it even necessary do it perfectly to do it right. Because sometimes, doing it right isn’t doing it “perfect.” It’s doing what’s right for you at that given moment in time, and allowing for changed minds and differing opinions and overspending a few times and frozen meals and sweatpants. It’s about allowing love to grow, not about forcing perfection.
Granted, some days will more perfect or less perfect than others, but the big picture is the thing you’re shooting for, and after six months of marriage, it’s hard to see the big picture. Because there isn’t one yet. You can dream about the big picture – plan for it and hope for it – but you can’t see it. It’s much harder to let go of the day-to-day-perfection in favor of big-picture-perfection when the big picture is still out of reach. But it’s all the more important to let go of that day-to-day-perfection when your marriage is still young, because it’s so easy to get hung up in the details and miss what’s going on around you and, before you know it, the big picture has completely passed you by.
I like being perfect. Ask anyone. I don’t settle for less. Some might call me a perfectionist. So this is an uphill battle for me, but a necessary one. I’m starting to feel more comfortable in my wife role and in our new home, and that has helped. And Tim has absolutely no expectations for me, which also helps. But I need to be careful to focus on the big picture, or else I’m going to get completely lost in the little details. And I’m going to start by buying myself some really nice sweatpants.