A Feminist Wife: Is Marriage Obsolete?
A recent survey showed that 4 in 10 Americans now believe that marriage is obsolete.
I saw this on the news a few weeks ago, but I was too busy reading The Hunger Games to comment. It’s too bad, too, because this study is right up my alley.
The article linked above explains that people believe that marriage is no longer necessary to have a family because so many people are growing up outside of the traditional family. Many more parents are divorced, never married and single, or never married and cohabiting than ever before. And this changes the face of the American family: when people grow up in households that are not the mom-dad-three kids-golden retriever-white picket fence “norm,” they are more likely to think of family in a different way. I see this as a major difference between my students, for example, and the kids I grew up with. I grew up in white picket fence suburbia, and it was very rare to see different types of families. It is these people that have the most difficult time accepting my decision to keep my name, for example. Their view of family is so narrow that even me keeping my name is outside of the family box. My students, however, are a completely different demographic. While still suburbia, my students come from all different types of families. Divorce, single parenthood, remarriages, cohabitation, you name it. It is increasingly rare, then, for my students to have the same last name as their parents, or the parent they are currently living with. While my white-picket-fence peers wonder: “How is that going to look when you send your kids to school and you don’t have the same last name as them?” my students are much more likely to say: “Well, I don’t have the same name as my mom and step-dad and I turned out OK.”
Needless to say, I think this shift in the way people view families is an important one, and makes us a much more tolerant and accepting society. Or, at least, it’s a step in the right direction.
However, if I really thought marriage was obsolete, I wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. I do not think that getting married is necessary to be a family – just like I don’t think having kids is necessary to be a family – but I do think that there is something extremely powerful about marriage. People joke with me all the time that married life must not be very different than it was before – and people really do believe that nothing changed between me and Tim after the wedding. But things really did change. We used to fight constantly and worry about breaking up and worry about what we’d do if such-and-such a thing happened. Now we don’t do any of that much anymore. We still fight, but a breakup isn’t in the cards, so the fights are just different. And if such-and-such a thing happens, we will deal with it together, because that’s what marriage is all about. All-in-all, I find myself much more relaxed and free to do other things like write and participate in activist events than I was before. There’s just something incredibly empowering about knowing that your husband has your back no matter what. And that, I think, is what marriage is all about. Can you have that relationship with your partner without being married? Sure you can! I just personally find it much easier to do pretty much everything now that I’m married.
So, I guess I see both sides of the issue here. But I don’t think marriage is really becoming obsolete. I just think we’re looking at family differently. Because, really, if marriage is actually becoming obsolete, then why can’t everyone have equal access to it? I’m just sayin’.
Had this exact conversation yesterday after listening to an NPR show covering the report. My hubs and I lived together for 6 years before we were married, and I was honestly surprised at the change I felt when we got married. It was exactly the same as you: Break up is not an option. We are IN this. It feels so much more secure. I thought I had a partner before, but it’s nothing like the partner I have in my husband.
I’m a feminist wife. Marriage will never be obsolete as long as it confers civil benefits, like tax breaks, inheritance rights, etc. If civil marriage confers a civil right, it need to be open to everybody. Now, if our government were to do away with the legal benefits of marriage, we’d be having a totally different discussion….and I bet we’d have universal health care, too….
This question assumes marriage as institution was created for some “use” and that use is no longer present. Maybe people bond, and its a stretch, becuase they actually fall in love. As such, bonding relations would not become obsolute unless we evolve out of them and so maybe its pointless to try an influence people one way or the other- i suspect some people will want to live life single-and now can, and others will want to bond. we should try and avoid labelling one system better than the other. 4 out of 10 marriages will put long term “marriage survivors” in minority and at risk of being ridiculed. I agree with the thought that marriage is making a committment to get through life with a person (in whatever manny you chose..) and yes I give up so called “freedoms” but to gain other experiences with my partner I never could if I decided to go it alone-