Small Strokes Big Oaks

People are often flabbergasted when they realize I am a feminist and I am married.  Of course that doesn’t apply to any of you; if you were flabbergasted then you probably wouldn’t be reading this blog.  Somehow, though, they don’t understand how a feminist marriage would work.  Do I work and he stays home?  Does he do all of the chores and the cooking and cleaning?  Do I “bring home the bread” and “wear the pants in the relationship” so to speak?

I simply respond that a feminist marriage functions just like any other marriage.  We’re married.  We love each other.  We handle household chores, finances, and decisions equally.  That’s about it.

It’s always funny (in a sad sort of way) when I hear these people giving advice like “Oh, start sharing those chores early or you’ll end up doing it all for the rest of your life” or “Don’t let him control your money.  Always have a little money for yourself” and then countering with cautionary “Oh if you think your future husband is going to let you _______ (fill in the blank), you’ve got another thing coming!”  That’s what I usually use to explain a feminist marriage: It’s all the sharing and none of the “letting.”  We don’t ever “let” each other do anything.  We talk about decisions and if one person feels strongly enough about it, we’ll figure out a way to make it happen.  It’s not always equal, but it is always equitable.

I spend more money on myself than he does, for example.  While his money is free to be put away for a house or vacation, mine is often spent on things like glasses, contacts, monthly prescriptions, eyebrow waxing, hair cuts, etc.  He’s never needed glasses or contacts in his life, has no monthly prescriptions, and does not spend more than $5 on a haircut ever.  I, on the other hand, require these things.  (Well, maybe I don’t require a more expensive haircut, but it is one of the few things I allow myself that’s more of a frivolity than a necessity.)  I also had to get a new car because mine was totally unsafe while he’s driving the Ford he bought in 2005 pretty much into the ground.  However, if Tim comes to me and says he wants a shiny new computer or whenever he decides he needs a new car because his has broken down on the side of the road, I will not question that.  See?  Equitable.

This is the same for how we approach our life goals and dreams.  That’s the beautiful thing about our partnership: We have very different life goals, but they all sort of seem  to fit within one another and that will allow for us to have a much fuller life than we would have had alone or with a partner much more like either one of us.  We both want to travel, and even though money is a bit tight, we’ve been able to save enough to take our honeymoon in Napa Valley a few days before Christmas, and we’re planning on road tripping to Denver soon.  Yes, they’re small trips, but they’re trips nonetheless, and we’re able to do this because we want to and work together for it.  That’s about where our similar life goals end, however.  Tim’s major life goal right now is to buy a house.  I, on the other hand, have never seen myself buying a house, never even thought about buying a house, never idly looked at houses, nothing.  Tim spends hours idly perusing real estate sites on the internet, asking me if I like this house or that house or what I think about this bathroom or that kitchen.  Do I need a house right now?  No.  But Tim does, and because it is so important to him, I will buy into his goal and make it mine.

While Tim has his house dream, I have my book dream.  I want to write a book.  This might seem like any other blogger’s dream, too, but it’s true.  I want to write a book.  I’ve always wanted to write a book.  Since I was a kid, I used to go through the Fiction & Literature sections of Barnes & Noble and stop at the S-authors, thinking I’d someday see my name there.  (I still do this on occasion.  I know, I’m a nerd.)  I could write a book or not write a book; it really makes no difference to Tim, but he knows how much it means to me and has spent numerous hours reading this page or that section – and reading this blog – and encouraging me to do what I need to do.  He’s offered to work this summer so I don’t have to and I can concentrate on writing.  He does a nice job of leaving me alone so I can do my work.  Above all, he is just supportive.

See?  Equitable.

The number one thing I see in problematic marriages is one partner doing whatever he or she wants either at the expense of the other partner or with complete disregard to the fact that he or she is unhappy with the choice.  It seems to me that an equitable marriage is a happy marriage, and an equitable marriage is a feminist marriage.  Therefore, a feminist marriage is a happy marriage.  Makes sense, right? 🙂