Small Strokes Big Oaks

Since I began the wedding planning, I thought our ceremony was going to be largely traditional.  The white dress, the readings, the music (I guess The Beatles are sort of traditional for weddings…), the rings, the vows.  I really believed that with all of these things, our ceremony would be very traditional.  We booked a golf club, hired their caterers, had a pretty typical reception.  However once I read this post from A Practical Wedding about writing a non-traditional ceremony, I thought, Wow, if that ceremony is non-traditional, ours was really non-traditional! The ceremony timeline they lay out there is almost exactly like ours.  If you’re curious, we did this:

• Prelude/Processional
• Opening Remarks from Officiant (who was also my uncle)
• Reading 1 from “The Prophet” by Khalil Gabran
• Interlude played by my brother (one of the coolest moments of my life) “They Bring Me To You” by Joshua Radin (If you haven’t ever heard this song, go listen now. It is beautiful.)
• Reading 2 “How Marriage is Like Baking Bread” by Matthew Nienow (from a book of poetry sent to me by one of my former students as an engagement present.  Inside was a note from her that read: “To a feminist for whom marriage is not an institution which holds a woman down, but rather, the coming together of two disconnected souls which recognize their own purpose and raise each other up.”  Did I mention I have had the best students ever??)
• Reflections from the Officiant
• Vows
• Ring exchange
• Pronouncement of marriage

I mean, this is really the skeleton of a religious ceremony, right?  But I guess a wedding ceremony is a wedding ceremony is a wedding ceremony, huh?

Our vows seemed very traditional, as well, but having my uncle as our officiant really helped them not feel cookie-cutter.  He gave us a bunch of different options for vows and things to say when we exchanged rings, and anything we didn’t like, he changed with no problem.

As an aside, here (and not just because he occasionally reads this blog 🙂 ), my uncle Jeff – the officiant – is definitely one of the coolest guys I know.  When he and his wife married in the early 80’s, she didn’t change her name, and he was all about me keeping mine.  He was also all about subverting the norms and personalizing the ceremony.  If you’re thinking about writing a non-traditional ceremony yourself, first check out this post, then make the first thing you do be putting some time into choosing an officiant you really like and who will give you ideas, but also work with you.  Having my uncle officiate our wedding was one of the best decisions we made, because he was so cool with whatever we wanted to do.

I think his awesomeness and his commitment to doing our ceremony the right way are evidenced best in the reflections he offered before our vows, which I will never forget.  And, never fear, I will share a piece of them with you here, now.  (Not all of them; sorry.  It’s still a little bit too personal. 🙂 )

You see, when we look at marriage, we are looking at creation itself.
“I am the sky,” says the bridegroom to the bride.  “You are the earth.  We are the sky and earth united.”
“You are my husband.”
“You are my wife.”
“My feet shall run because of you.”
“My feet shall dance because of you.”
“My heart shall beat because of you.”
“My eyes see because of you.”
“My mind shall think because of you.”

“And I shall love because of you.”

Now – are you guys cool with that?

And then the vows we created:

[Insert name here] do you take [name] to be your wife/husband?  Do you commit yourself to her/his happiness and self-fulfillment as a person?  Do you promise to love, honor, and trust her/him in sickness and in health, in adversity and prosperity, and to be true and loyal to her/him so long as you both shall live?

I may be biased, but I think that, even with all of the nods to the traditional, Christian ceremony and to the patriarchy, we were really able to make our ceremony very non-traditional.  At the very least, it was intensely personal, but also had a wonderful communal feel, which is really all we could ever ask for.