Feminism and Choices: Should We Always Choose the “Feminist” Choice?
I’ve been thinking quite a bit about Cat Rocketship’s post about Feminism and Being a Housewife and about the venomous response she received when the post was linked elsewhere. I’m particularly talking about the comments on this article. It seems that women having choices is something we all agree is an important goal of feminism. However, it also seems that when one makes a choice that isn’t necessarily the “feminist thing to do,” we’re told we’re privileged and exercising that privilege is not feminist, and not what a feminist should be doing. (I’m reminded here about the reactions Emily received when she told us she is changing her name when she marries her fiancé, and the reactions I received when I commented over at Choices Campus Blog on their bride bashing piece a few months ago.) It seems like there is a lot of “Women should be able to make the same choices men can make!” followed by “And here is the right choice to make if you really are a feminist!”
Is being able to work from home or completely devote yourself to housewifery a privilege? Absolutely. Is being able to keep your surname a privilege? Totally. Is having a big, white wedding a privilege? You betcha. But if someone has the privilege to have the choice between housewife and job, keeping a name or changing it, or having a wedding or not having a wedding, does that mean she should choose the option that exerts less privilege just because some people may not be privileged enough to have the option? I’d argue no, and I’d also argue that making that particular choice within your privilege does not make you less of a feminist.
Sure, maybe being a housewife or changing your name or having that big wedding aren’t necessarily “the feminist things to do”, but I don’t think they are the anti-feminist things to do, either. Especially when the choice has been considered and weighed and it has been decided that this particular choice is best for this particular person. Likewise, I don’t believe anyone should make a choice for the sole reason that their “feminist card” might be taken away if they made the other choice.
We must, absolutely, critique the society and the narratives that dictate that women should stay at home or change their names or become the blushing bride. We should also absolutely critique a society that says “If you do this, you’re not really a feminist.” But to critique individual choices when they were actually choices that were actively made, not just someone blindly following the patriarchy, seems counter-productive. And it seems like a huge source of women bashing other women.
From my understanding of feminism, feminists didn’t fight for women to work outside of the home; they fought for women to choose what profession they wanted, just like any man could choose. When women choose typically women’s jobs, however, we’re sometimes looked at as not fulfilling our feminist duties. Being a housewife is typically a woman’s job, and that’s why Cat caught such a backlash when she proudly stated she is a housewife and a feminist. I’m an English teacher, which is historically a woman’s job, and people have often told me I should be doing something better with my time. However, if a man makes the decision to stay home to support his working wife, we think and say “Wow, what a stand-up-guy! How wonderful of him to support his wife!” Similarly, if a woman takes a job historically reserved for men – like an engineer or CEO – we applaud her. If she takes a job typically reserved for a woman, we cut her down.
I’m not saying all choices are feminist choices, so please don’t start quoting Sarah Palin criticisms at me (although, as I think is pretty clear here, I don’t think these choices we’re talking about are necessarily un-feminist, either). I’m just saying that, if someone chooses to do something feminists fought against women being more or less forced to do, that doesn’t make her not a feminist.
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“From my understanding of feminism, feminists didn’t fight for women to work outside of the home; they fought for women to choose what profession they wanted, just like any man could choose.”
My husband and I had a discussion at dinner the other night about the response to my post, and I think he said, almost word for word, the exact same thing.
Sadly, I don’t think that most men get congratulated for being stay at home dads just yet–the dads we know in our feminist circles do, of course, but there is still a LOT of resistance out there in the greater culture. It’s the unfinished work of the feminist movement to dignify home and caregiving work, because you KNOW that as soon as more men do it, it will be covered by Social Security!
When women are criticized for taking up a traditional women’s role, particularly that of homemaker or stay-at-home mom, I have often come to regard this criticism as the vein of the patriarchy and sexism which persists in spite of efforts against it.
Fighting for justice and equality for women, in my eyes, does not simply mean fighting for the right of women to enter traditionally “male” spaces; it should ALSO mean valuing the traditional female roles & associated characteristics as EQUALLY valuable and esteem-worthy as any male occupation. Criticizing women who chose to enter these traditional spaces for their sex only serves, to me, as further glorification of the patriarchy–if a woman wants to be worthy of esteem and deserving of respect (at the very least to the degree equal to that of a man), she must be more like a man.
If we are going to criticize the ways in which sexism and patriarchal values eliminate or make difficult women’s choices, that’s one thing. If we’re going to tell women that CHOOSING to occupy traditional female roles is un-feminist, or that, even if they didn’t choose it, the work they are doing is un-feminist and a disservice to women everywhere, then we are simultaneously affirming sexist values which place male-associated roles & characteristics over female ones. And I can’t agree with that.
You know, I commented critically on your later post, but, seeing this, I understand better why you made it, and I’m sorry that you encounter that. I still don’t think that these attitudes are in the mainstream of feminism, but I also don’t think of people who critique the choices of others in this way as feminists.
I mean, take, for instance, my four-year-old. She’s being raised as gender-neutral as possible, just because, and we always try to honor her choices. However, she gets ideas from her friends, say, that pink is only for girls, or that she shouldn’t wear x clothing. However, while I ask her why she wants whatever clothing she gets (not because I think she’s capable of that kind of critical thinking at this age, but because I want to get her in the habit of it), I will honor her requests. I can’t make her wear clothing that her friends tell her not to wear just because she used to like it, because I don’t want to be responsible for more hurt feelings on her part. I can’t convince her that pink isn’t the only color she should wear by denying her the color pink. All I can do is honor her personal choices and trust that what I’m teaching her about questioning power structures will result in her being the person she wants to be, whether or not she behaves according to prescribed gender roles.
And I think we need to Trust Women in the same way. You can ask people in general to think critically about the culture at large, but they are going to make the choices that they are going to make, and judging those choices as inferior just because they don’t appear to go against the grain (especially since we have no idea what the thought process was) is inherently un-feminist. Some little girls like pink. Some women want to change their names and stay home with their kids. If we tell them that they should feel otherwise, we’re no better than the patriarchy.