A Feminist Wife: Marriage is Hard, Continued
A fellow Twitter-er read yesterday’s post about early marriage being difficult for me and asked: “Why do you think the act of getting married changed things? I’m genuinely curious.” I responded, of course, but 140 character-bursts don’t seem to do this topic justice. So, naturally, I’m opening this up here.
Honestly, I’m not sure why it seemed to be the act of getting married that changed everything so suddenly, but I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. A few of my friends who have “lived in sin” for a time and then got married expressed the same concerns – everything was all of a sudden different after the wedding. Of course, I don’t think there’s only one answer to this question, and I think everyone’s situation is different. For some, it may be a fear of entrapment or lack of a way out. That’s not it for me, though. If I was worried about having a way out, I wouldn’t have married him – plain and simple.
I believe things are so different because our lives changed so drastically while we were planning our wedding, and we were so busy planning our wedding that we didn’t really notice. We both finished our master’s program, we moved in together (HUGE change there!), we became a bit more involved in our social circles because we finally had time for it, we involved ourselves more with our work because we finally had time for it. But over all of this change of pace (and place) hung The Wedding – the biggest, most challenging, most time-consuming, most personal thing either of us have ever done. And while we planned this wedding, we analyzed and discussed and talked and fought, but we weren’t analyzing and discussing and talking about and fighting about our relationship – even though it seemed like we were at times because weddings have to do with relationships, right? They are, but they are not in a lot of ways. And discussing and analyzing a wedding is a far cry from discussing and analyzing a relationship.
Had we not had a wedding at all, would we have spent more time figuring out “us”? Probably. But I learned more about him and his family and how we interact with our families and how we purchase things and decide things in the 14 months we were engaged than I did in the year and a half before that we had been dating. And that’s important stuff, too. I just think that we spent so much time both on the things I just mentioned and looking forward to the wedding date that we just didn’t notice all of the changing dynamics happening around us – even the way we talk to our families and our friends is different now. And it always would have changed, wedding or not, but I just didn’t notice it until I had a chance to breathe and take a look around.
So, did the wedding cause all this distress? No. Tim putting that ring on my finger didn’t do anything that wouldn’t have happened had we commited our lives to each other in any other way. But I do believe the stress and busy-ness and preoccupation brought upon by planning The Wedding either hid what was going on or forced us to push it aside in favor of more pressing matters.
Now, with the wedding over and with grad school over and with the moving in together over, we really have nothing left to focus on but ourselves and each other. And that can be scary and, truth be told, not so romantic. But also necessary and fulfilling and worth it in the end. So I’m told. 🙂
You’ve been told correctly! Hang in there; it’s totally worth it. 🙂
It takes so much work to be in a relationship. And, most of the time it is really worth it. I think you’re processing being married and it reminds me of my some of my own ruminations. I will re-state that Young Wives’ Tales: New Adventures in Love and Partnership is a great book for the recently married young feminist or advocate of feminisms.
All the best,
Janni (jan/eye)
I know people often say “nothing changes” after the wedding, but I’ve never believed it. You’re married! How is that NOT different than being in a relationship, despite living together etc? I wonder myself if part of it has to do with a settling into the relationship. Not a settling in the kind of negative sense, but a relaxing into it, being truly yourself and comfortable knowing with conviction that this other person is going to be alongside you.
I think you’re also on the right track with the wedding planning taking up so much time and attention. Of course you learned an enormous amount about yourself and each other throughout that process, but without something concrete to focus your energies on (after having something for so long), I imagine that might lead to a sense of adrift-ness. Either way, I’m confident it will continue to get better. Rough spots will occur… but after you work through them you’ll be able to look back and say, “dear god that sucked, but we made it, and we made it together.”