Small Strokes Big Oaks

I cannot say enough about the importance of this post.  Body image issues affect us all, even if we don’t want to admit it, and these issues can complicate our relationships so much.  It can be difficult to maintain a relationship with anyone – significant others, friends, family – when you do not love yourself.  Maria’s words here are so powerful, and I’m sure my lovely readers can offer her some insight and support, as well.

In my life, I have met significantly fewer women secure with their physical bodies than I have men.  Without turning this into 58-page thesis (as was my Senior Honors thesis on this very topic, from which parts of this post have been taken), the reason for much of women’s body image distortion boils down to three concepts: historic gender prejudice, media, and dieting.

If a researcher selects four girls at random on an average American college campus, one of them will be a compulsive binge-and-purger.  Geneen Roth, a self-professed connoisseur of eating disorders and now a speaker for feminism and self-love, says, “compulsive behavior at its most fundamental is a lack of self-love . . . . [and] an expression of belief that [one is] not good enough.”  If this is true, then twenty-five percent of girls on college campuses do not love themselves, and therefore do not understand how or why they may be loved by others.  Roth confesses, “[Self-conscious women] walk around feeling very sensitive, and sad, and lonely, and angry; and . . . it looks like it’s about our bodies.  Our vulnerability . . . is like raw skin.”

They Psychology of Poor Body Image

According to research by St. Paul’s Kousen Senior High School in Japan, the beginnings of an eating disorder are a great psychological battle that affects one’s entire lifestyle, and most often display:

• All or nothing mentality (perfectionism, an urge to control)
• All good or all bad personal relationships
• Great observance of and basing one’s actions on those of surrounding people
• Confusion of borders between self and others (i.e. when one avoids an Other, one assumes that the Other is avoiding him or her)
• Fear of abandonment, yet an aversion to being protected for fear of losing control

The everyday life of a disordered eater, then, may be full of mood swings and tiresome levels of attention given to perceived social signals and situations.  Friendships, sexual relationships, and ties with the family may weaken or sour, further elevating one’s stress levels and aggravating his or her unhealthy eating patterns.

I won’t bother with the sordid details of my eating disorders, even those that others began noticing.  If my friends wanted to go on a McDonalds run during our late-night study sessions at college, I would cower in the corner of my boyfriend’s room and cry.  I didn’t know why I was crying or why I was even sad.  Still, every night progressed this way; I would cry at the sight of food I knew I couldn’t allow myself.  I found only temporary solace in friendly and loving embraces and after a while began pushing those away because I didn’t like being coddled (i.e. Kousen’s theory, fear of losing control).

The Effects of Poor Body Image: Relationships

I isolated myself, so my friends began going places without me, eventually without inviting me.  I dreaded leaving the safety of my own room and began missing classes.  Finally, I ceased menstruating.  I blamed it on academic stress for months, never doubting my vanishing body’s perfect condition.  My life seemed to fall to pieces, and I was still convinced I was not good enough—for food, never mind chocolate; for anniversary or holiday gifts; for friends; for my boyfriend; and maybe even life.  It took crying into my boyfriend’s dubious shoulder one night that sometimes I made myself throw up that I first realized I needed help.

After over two years of active anorexia and bulimia, I had to swing to the opposite spectrum of bingeing—gaining twenty pounds in six months—before my eating habits and weight resumed some shadow of normality.  Nevertheless, the trauma continued in the prison of my mind.  If someone took more than ten minutes to answer my text message, I never texted him or her again because, obviously, he or she didn’t like me (i.e. observance of others’ actions).  If someone reminded me of something unpleasant, I never wanted to see him or her again (i.e. all good or all bad relationships).

Moreover, after learning to express myself vocally rather than through food, erratic and often inexplicable emotional tantrums became a constant threat.  The triggers were unforeseeable and frequent; as the Kousen research indicates, I coundn’t discern my feelings from those of others: if I was jealous of a girl’s leaner legs, I was certain that my boyfriend wanted her legs instead of mine.  I would pick fights and belittle myself for hours before accepting that he had not have even glanced her way.

Today, over three years since the onset of my disorders, I am somewhat more able to control and reason through my rage.

Yet, it is the body image that heals last.  I am still waiting.

Maria Rainier is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at First in Education and performs research surrounding online schools. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.

This was a guest post in a series on feminism and relationships.  If you’d like to submit a guest post for this series, see the guidelines here and submit your post to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com.