Small Strokes Big Oaks

Today, as I was perusing Tumblr, I came across this gem of an article all about a bride who asked her sister, who happens to need a wheelchair, to be a bridesmaid but then did not ensure accessibility for her sister to the wedding. For example:

The church itself had a raised platform in the front where the bridal party stood. Elizabeth had planned for everyone except Mary to stand up on the platform – Mary could sit in her chair, six feet off to the side on the ground and out of view of anyone (including the photographer). Luckily the pastor was able to get some men from the church to throw together a makeshift ramp, so Mary and her groomsman were able to process in the side aisle and he could help her up the ramp to the platform. Elizabeth pouted that Mary was ruining the symmetry by using the side aisle, but eventually gave in.

That’s just one of the examples. And, since I’ve been writing a lot about weddings and feminism here lately, I couldn’t resist a post about weddings and accessibility. Blatant ableism in the first paragraph of the article aside (“Mary uses a wheelchair… but is still a wonderful young woman”), this post does bring up some interesting issues, especially if you read through some of the comments. It is amazing to me how many people will defend to the death a bride’s right to do whatever she wants on her wedding day, even when what she wants comes at a cost to family, friends, and other guests. If I’ve learned anything this past year, it’s that weddings are about more than the bride and groom. They’re about family, friends, and a love that transcends that one day. And they’re about love in general – the love of your friends and family for you and your spouse-to-be, the love of you and your spouse-to-be for your family and friends. Just love. And there is no love in a wedding that is not accessible to the guests.

Now, some of you may be throwing your hypocrite cards at me right now because you’ve heard me talk in length about how it’s not appropriate for people to make my wedding about themselves, but let me explain. Someone refusing to comply with a perfectly reasonable request regarding attire, transportation, a meeting with a vendor, etc.? That is making my wedding about them. Someone asking if my wedding will be accessible to them? That is my responsibility to ensure. Someone refusing to come unless I serve meat? That’s making my wedding about them. Someone requesting a gluten-free or vegetarian meal because they cannot eat what is provided due to dietary restrictions? That’s my responsibility to ensure. See the difference?

I’m no stranger to accessibility issues or dietary restrictions, and sometimes you just need to put forth a little extra effort to ensure that everyone is comfortable, can access the festivities, and can enjoy the day. In the case of Elizabeth and Mary in this article, the bride ruined this day for so many more people than her sister – rest assured, this day was completely ruined for her sister as is outlined in the article, but think about how far that snowballs. What about the people who had to help Mary because she couldn’t access certain aspects of the wedding and the bride neglected to ensure access? What about the sisters’ parents? Elizabeth’s pouting and foot-stomping affected her entire wedding party and many of her guests, and was unspeakably unfair to her SISTER AND BRIDESMAID.

I’ve seen this with weddings and people with disabilities more times than I can count. One of my bridesmaids also has a disability and, while her disability is mental rather than physical – which makes physical accessibility less of a problem than it was for Mary – there were still little things that needed to be adjusted so she could fully participate in all of the festivities. She’s not comfortable wearing the same (5-inch heel) shoes as the other bridesmaids, so we found her shoes that she was comfortable walking in. She can’t wear heavy earrings, so we found appropriate jewelry. And, rest assured, she will NOT be standing five feet away from the ceremony, out of range of everyone’s line of sight including the photographer. Having this person whom we love fully participate in our wedding was much more important than shoes or jewelry or what have you. And that’s how it should be.

All of this is not even mentioning all of the rude comments I’ve gotten from people asking if she was included in the bridal party, and when I say yes, saying: “Oh, good for you!” or “Oh, that’s so nice of you!” No. It is not “so nice” or “good” of me to include a person whom we love who happens to have a disability in our wedding party, or at least not any better or nicer than it was to ask any of my other friends. In fact, it wasn’t even a question. We love her, and wanted her to be a bridesmaid. End of story.

Now, I’m not tooting my own horn here. I’m just saying that this is really the way it should be. People are going to remember your love and consideration of others (or lack thereof) far longer than they will remember the clothes, flowers, food, or anything else about your wedding. As a couple planning a wedding, you should really take this time during which you are so loved to ensure that your friends, family, and guests feel loved, too. Love is free, people. It doesn’t take much to spread it around.