Dear friends,
I am not changing my last name. This should not come as a surprise to you. In fact, I believe most of us have addressed this fact at length. No, I have not changed my mind. No, I will not change my mind later. So please stop sending me messages and emails that start with “To the future Mrs. R____,” or “OMG you are almost Mrs. R____!” or “You’re soon-to-be Mrs. R____!” or anything of that sort. Please be respectful of my choice; I am respectful of those who do choose to change their names, so I would just like the same courtesy.
On a related note, getting married does not make one a “Mrs.” Changing one’s name to that of her husband can, but since I am not changing my name, I am not going to become Mrs. S____ upon the date of my wedding. That would imply that I married Mr. S____ and, since Mr. S____ would be my father or my grandfather… Well, you get the picture.
Let’s take this moment then to go over a bit of history. The term Mrs. comes from an abbreviation of the word “mistress” – not to mean a woman a man cheats on his wife with; that meaning came later. However, let’s look at the greater symbolism of the chosen letters for this abbreviation:
Mr. = man, married or unmarried
Mrs. = wife
Is it too much of a stretch to insert an apostrophe?
Mr’s = Mrs.?
I don’t know. Maybe I’m stretching here or jumping to conclusions. I’m just offering it as a possibility.
This is not to say that I do not respect those of you who have decided to change your names. I firmly believe that every person should do what is best for his or her self and family, and I cannot tell you what that is. Only you can decide. I’m simply saying that I respect your choice: I’ve changed your names in my phone/address book/email contact lists, I’m sure to be careful to refer to you as your new name and to write it on invitations and letters. I don’t continue to address you using your maiden name just because it’s easier for me or because I wonder why you didn’t keep it. In fact, I don’t wonder why you didn’t keep it, so why do you wonder why I’m keeping my name? All you need to know is that I am and that I’ve made my choice. Please just be a true friend and respect that.
Thank you!
Ashley Lauren Samsanator
P.S. If you are truly my friend, please please PLEASE do not address things to us as “Mr. and Mrs. Timothy R____.” In the same vein, Mrs. Timothy Roberts will not ever exist. “Mr. Timothy R___ and Ms. Ashley S___” would be just fine, and it’s really not that much more work.
Author’s note: I know I can’t get upset about the occasional thing addressed to Mr. & Mrs. R____. I’ve come to terms with that. I’m just saying: if you’re my friend, you should know. Or if you didn’t, now you do.
Wait until you read the post I sent you on why I’m going to change my last name! LOL I definitely do NOT like the implication of ‘Mrs.’ so I might continue to use ‘Ms’; I am not defined by my marital status! My friend, when calls come for Mr or Mrs W, says they don’t live there because she isn’t taking her fiance’s last name. Send mail back as no such person?
Good for you! Do whatever you do for yourself not everyone else. I made the decision to take Chris’ name, but I do dislike when I am referred to as Mrs. Novak. That is his mother. I am not defined by my marriage, and neither should you be defined by yours. You should be proud of your choice!
I chose to change my last name because as half of a same-sex couple my relationship may go years before being legally recognized in my home state, and the change of name may be the only symbol I have of union with my partner for that time.
Very interesting thread. When I was married 16 years ago, I decided to keep my family of origin name for a number of reasons. 1) My maiden name dies with my brother, who does not have children 2) I married later in life, so why change now 3) Professionally, it is a huge hassle to change my name when all of my networks, credentials etc., are in my maiden name 4) I like my name.
My husband and I agreed that when we had been married for 25 years, I would change my name. I am not sure that he would have held me to this agreement, but I would have held myself to our agreement but I secretly hoped that after 25 years it wouldn’t matter.
Fast forward 16 years of being married, I have chosen to change my name ahead of time. It occurred to me that the life that I am making now with my husband and my children has more to do with present and the future. My maiden name, has more to do with the past and of a focus on my family of origin than MY family of making. After 16 years, it seemed less important to hold onto my maiden name than it did when I was first married so I changed it.
I am not sure what my daughters will do with this question if and when they get married but I know I will support them in whatever their decision is. It is theirs to make.
Hell, I’m NOT your friend and I’ll respect your wishes. It’s just common courtesy.
The whole “Mr. And Mrs. Man’s first and last name here” thing is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. I hate seeing that–the woman’s name is completely wiped out, as though the only thing that matters is her attachment to the man.
I am very glad that when my parents remarried (each to different people), all parties involved kept their own last names (and my step mother changed her last name back to her maiden name).
Actually, good on you for making the choice that is right for YOU. Whenever I tell anyone that if (and it’s a big if) I ever got married I’d keep my name, they try to tell how bad of an idea it is. Luckily I have counterarguments, but having to make them gets old. Your frustration must be many times that! I hope it’s a long, happy marriage! Congratulations, Ms. Ashley Samsa!