Small Strokes Big Oaks

In this latest piece in a series about dating as a feminist, Not Guilty effectively and interestingly tackles the inevitable issues of compromise that arise in any relationship, but especially, it seems, when one person is trying to hold on to her feminist values. 

Here, Not Guilty is discussing issues of compromises that arise in budding relationships, and she tackles them quite well.  I’m sure at some point you all have been in a relationship in which you’ve had to consider when you’re willing to compromise and when you might just need to walk away, and I think that is an ongoing struggle with relationships.  There’s a lot to learn here, and if you have any advice, we’d love to hear it!

Every time you interact with another person, there is a compromise. As you walk down the sidewalk, you have to compromise with oncoming traffic so you don’t collide. When going out with your friends, there is compromise involved in picking a place to go. Life is filled with compromise and yet, for some reason, there is a notion out there that compromising with a man, such as a boyfriend, makes one a bad feminist, as if such a compromise means one is submitting to the patriarchy. I have begun to notice that my relationship is going to require me to make a number of compromises. As my mother jokes, I had a 15 year plan when I was 10 years-old. My boyfriend’s job is tied to the city we both currently live in, whereas my career gives me great flexibility in work location. As a result, if our relationship is to last, I have to compromise on my dream of living in downtown Toronto; there is no realistic middle ground. Am I a bad feminist because I am giving up this dream for, *gasp*, a man? Does it mean I’ve submitted to the patriarchy?

As I noted, all relationships require compromise. Sometimes you even give up your dreams for friends and family. I believe that distinguishing between those relationships and ones with men is ridiculous. Feminism, to me, is about equality, and as my boyfriend pointed out, it isn’t an equitable relationship if it is a one-way street. If in order to be a “good feminist” I can’t compromise with my boyfriend, then we do not have an equal relationship. Not only is it wrong that compromise makes one a bad feminist, but it is in fact the total opposite. In order to be a good feminist, I must compromise with my boyfriend. Perhaps the distinguishing feature is what I compromise on.

There are obviously limits to how much I compromise for my relationship. I would never give up my legal career for my boyfriend, but at the same time, he would never ask me to. The biggest compromise, or rather, change, that I am potentially making for my relationship is with respect to children. Before we started dating, I had made comments around him about not wanting children. It is no secret that I don’t want kids. He told me that he does one day want children. Clearly this is a significant impasse. Both of us agreed that trying to change the other person’s mind was wrong because it is such a fundamental issue. As a result, we agreed we would re-evaluate at a later point in time. I walked away from that discussion and did some soul searching. I more or less had to decide if I was in fact so opposed to having kids that I could walk away from him. After a couple weeks of talking with friends, I began to realize that I’ve really been telling myself that I hated kids and that I’d be a terrible mother. After talking about my fears, I’ve decided that they are, for the most part, unfounded. As a result, I have reconsidered my vehement opposition to children. Funnily enough, as soon as I stopped telling myself that I hate kids, I find myself having a little more patience for the ones I know and I like them more. I still have a huge internal struggle to resolve, but I’m only 25 so I do not need to write anything in stone.

These are two huge compromises in my world. So have I submitted to the patriarchy? Well, I always thought I’d be happy with a man who “tolerated” my feminism, kind of like tolerating weird personality traits. I never dreamed I’d find somebody who enjoyed my feminism. I really can’t accept that I may have submitted to anybody, except perhaps myself; swallowing my pride and admitting maybe I was wrong is hard. The reward for these compromises is, well, happiness. We get along smashingly well. He voluntarily reads my blog (Hi Honey!) and asks questions about the things I write. He listens to me rant about things I read online or see in movies [Note: The Other Guys will make you facepalm frequently]. Not only that, but he makes compromises too. At the end of the day, I make compromises with everybody I meet. I make more significant compromises with my boyfriend, but he makes significant ones as well. That is what a relationship is; it is a two-way street because both parties can’t get their way all the time.

I’ve done everything for the past 25 years for me, answering only to my parents (sometimes). I loved living in Australia and doing all the things I did while I was single; I had a lot of fun. Now, I am ready to do things for somebody else, to stop thinking only of myself and to stop being the only person (aside from my parents of course) that thinks about me. I’m ready to make compromises and that is why I am not a bad feminist, because I’m choosing to compromise.

Not Guilty writes at her blog, Finding My Feminism.  She is 25 years old, on the cusp of finishing her law degree, and has been a feminist her entire life, but just recently became active through blogging and organizing/attending rallies.  You can follow her on Twitter @atheistincanada.

This was a guest post in a series on feminism and relationships.  If you’d like to submit a guest post for this series, see the guidelines here and submit your post to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com.