Small Strokes Big Oaks

You might remember Not Guilty from her previous post about online dating as a feminist.  She had designed an experiment in which she decided to sign up for an online dating site and include the fact that she is a feminist in her profile.  She wanted to know if including the “f-word” in her profile would make any difference in who decided to contact her, or who decided not to.

I thought it was a fascinating experiment, which is why I was so eager to publish this series from her.  With all of the stigma surrounding the word “feminism,” I thought it would be fascinating to see what happened when she included the word in her profile.  Interestingly enough, many of you commented on her first post that you had done online dating and had written in your profiles that you are feminists as well, and that your online dating experience ended successfully.  Not Guilty’s online dating experience has also ended successfully, except not in the way you might think.  I’ll let her tell you all about it.

It has been about a month since I began my mini “experiment” in online dating. I’ve received messages from half a dozen men and have exchanged messages with the first few, but I’m stopping because I’ve found a match.

It’s amazing how quickly things can change. I’ve been single for a number of years, primarily because I’ve been very focused on school. This summer I changed my attitude and decided that I was ready to start dating now that I have a job upon graduation and only one semester of school left. People have always said that these things happen when you least expect them and I have to say, they were right. However, we did not meet online, which was even more unexpected!

To my delight, he has said that he considers himself to be a feminist. He boils it down to equality and doesn’t see the big deal with the label. I have ranted a little about abortion, but he enjoys the discussions. He’s already asked my opinion on a few topics and allowed me to “educate” him. He even called out another guy in the group for saying something sexist in front of my friend and me, warning the guy he was between two feminists and might want to watch himself; it was quite funny. He has said numerous times that while he never expected to date a feminist, he always wanted an equal partner. He used to think that all feminists were misandrists (a term he taught me because I’d never heard of it!), but he has realized that is in fact not true. As I explained to him, none of the feminist I know of hate men. It is great to be able to demonstrate that to at least one man.

He has also taken it upon himself to read my blog. I was a little nervous at first, but I figured if he was put off by what I wrote, then it wouldn’t work anyways. He says he has enjoyed reading it and he has asked me questions about a few things. I think what I love most isn’t just that he respects my feminism, and me, but that he wants to learn about it. He doesn’t agree with everything that I say, but he disagrees in a respectful fashion. I think I have to learn to let him disagree better because sometimes I take his disagreement as a challenge to “make” him see it my way.

I am so grateful to feminism for giving me the self-confidence to ask him out. I suppose I can declare my experiment a success to some extent. I received a half dozen messages online, and started dating somebody; all of whom knew I was a feminist. I guess the conclusion is that it takes a strong man to not run away from something he doesn’t understand; feminism being something many men don’t understand. He continues to surprise me everyday with his interest in feminism.

I let him pick a name that I would refer to him as for posting. He has decided he would like to be referred to as He-Man (from He-Man and She-Ra comics or something). I roll my eyes, but if he is going to let me blog about him, the least I can do is let him pick his own pseudonym. I have already started a follow-up post because this relationship has literally turned my world upside down, and I think feminism and compromise is an important topic that should be explored. The end of the dating experiment earlier than planned is just the first of my plans that my relationship with He-Man has derailed, and the next post is the first compromise of many that I will be making. The trick is compromising without losing yourself, and I know I can do that, so keep an eye out for part 3 of The Dating Relationship Adventures of an Unapologetic Feminist!

Not Guilty writes at her blog, Finding My Feminism.  She is 25 years old, on the cusp of finishing her law degree, and has been a feminist her entire life, but just recently became active through blogging and organizing/attending rallies.  You can follow her on Twitter @atheistincanada.

This was a guest post in a series on feminism and relationships, but is also about the author’s relationship with feminism and with religion and culture. If you’d like to submit a guest post for this series, see the guidelines here and submit your post to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com.