Guest Post: Waiting for the Engagement
This is a guest post in a series on feminism and relationships. If you’d like to submit a guest post for this series, see the guidelines here and submit your post to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com.
Jillian is a 25 year old graduate student studying Marriage and Family Therapy at Northwestern University. She lives in Chicago with her boyfriend, The Russian, where they enjoy everything from playing World of Warcraft together to planning trips back to their home in California. Jillian’s hobbies include reading, listening to Lady Gaga, being a bridesmaid (10th walk down the aisle coming this fall!), researching Ph.D programs, and blogging at Fulfillment of Fireworks… all while patiently waiting for The Russian to propose.
I’m a very meticulous person, especially when it comes to making decisions about the direction of my life. Sure, I take big risks, and from the outside, they may appear to be spontaneous; more often than not, I’ve been mulling over said decision for months, weeks, or years before putting a plan into action. I’m also an ardent feminist, which informs my decision making across many levels. It’s an enormous part of who I am and perhaps the number one reason why I find it so important to maintain control over decisions made in my life. So it’s been really difficult for me at times to accept that there’s a huge impending moment in my life that I have little control over – and that’s getting engaged.
Now, hear me correctly. The Russian and I have been together for just about two years, and marriage has been on the table pretty much since day one. When we began dating, I had just moved from California to Chicago, and despite the distance, we managed to build a relationship based on love, trust, equity, and friendship. Less than a year into our relationship, the Russian said to me that he believed we really had a shot at a life-long love together, but if that were going to happen, we would need to be in the same place. I agreed. He offered to sell his condo, leave his entire family, transfer his job, and come to Chicago… and he did. We moved in together just over a year ago, and while we struggled a bit initially (not unlike Ashley & Tim), we’ve settled into a lovely routine of cohabitating and caring for one another. Every single day we discuss our future, and marriage is almost always an explicit part of the conversation. In every sense, we’ve made decisions together about the future of our relationship.
Except for when to get engaged.
During the past year, the Russian and I have gone to look at engagement rings multiple times, met with the family jeweler to discuss our options, talked about venues and budgets and pre-marital counseling and honeymoons and registering and all the lovely and stressful aspects that can accompany the unique period of life leading up to marriage. We’ve done all of this together as a team.
Except for deciding when to get engaged.
I’m in the dark! Me, the meticulous planner, who has to know what’s happening and when, is completely in the dark about when we are getting engaged. It’s soon. It could be tomorrow. It could be in December. It could be any day between. And according to the Russian, I won’t know when it is until he’s down on one knee in front of me.
Here’s why: We’ve decided together that this is the next right step that we are privileged in so many ways to be able to take. I have been involved in every aspect of coming to this decision. And yet, it’s important to the Russian that he gets to do this part – the choosing the how and the when. The saving, the planning, the proposing with yes, the diamond ring we picked out together. I tease him daily, and he teases me back, about how difficult it is for me for this decision to be in his court solely. It goes against so many of my sensibilities to let someone else choose for me when we’re officially enfianceed. And yet, this is how we’re doing it.
It’s absolutely antiquated and sexist, something that he and I both acknowledge. Despite this, it’s important for him to show me that he can save and plan for our life together, that he can be financially responsible. The symbolism of saving for the engagement ring, purchasing it on his own, and asking me to share my life with him is important to him – and as his partner, it’s important to me.
We are equal partners in every sense. We are equitable and balanced, and when something is really important to me, he respects it. And when something is really important to him – like proposing – I respect it. Given that we’ve made all the decisions leading up to this together, I will let him enjoy teasing me while he saves and plans and I anticipate. And in the meanwhile, I’ll try to enjoy looking forward to what will be one of many loving and incredible moments in our life together.
Because we both know, after the proposal happens – it’s back to equity and teamwork. And neither he nor I would have it any other way.