Minor Meltdowns
Hey there, readers! Sorry I haven’t posted for a few days. I’ve actually been dealing with a lot of wedding stuff that I’m just trying to get done before school starts on Monday, and it’s been both fun and trying. I think the most difficult part is something that I’ve even worked on mentally preparing myself for, but still gets to me every so often: body image.
I’ve written about body image before. I did a guest series on body image, too. I’ve been so fed up with ads everywhere (especially Facebook – anyone else notice this?) telling me about wedding weightloss programs and making me feel that, no matter how happy I was with my body, I’d better get my butt in gear and start getting off that last stubborn 5 pounds that I created the This is What a Beautiful Bride Looks Like Tumblr to which people can submit their wedding pictures to show the world what real beauty is.
For as much as I’ve thought about this topic and written about it – and made sure to actively think positively about myself – you’d think I’d be prepared for things that might throw me into a downward spiral of body hate and would have an artillery of various weapons to use against anything negative my brain could throw at me. But I wasn’t prepared for this past week at all, mostly because it never occurred to me that this might be a problem.
Within a span of three days, I had a dress fitting, a makeup trial (because you do that sort of thing to make sure it looks right), and a bridal shower. This doesn’t really mean much as three separate events, but put it together and this is what I got: First, a dress fitting during which it was difficult to lace up the back of my dress and almost impossible to breathe and sit in the dress at the same time. (A side note here: I have not gained any weight since I bought the dress. It always fit snugly. But your wedding-brain doesn’t work like your real-brain, and this sort of thing can spiral you into self-doubt.) Then, a makeup trial right before the bridal shower for Tim’s side of the family. With lots of pictures. So I could see what the makeup looked like in the pictures. And as soon as I saw these pictures, even in the little window behind the digital camera, I could tell that my biggest wedding-related fear had come true.
I didn’t even look like myself.
Here, I’ll prove it to you. Exhibit A: An engagement photo of Tim and me, courtesy of Jason Samsa, taken on October 9, 2009 – exactly one year pre-wedding.
And, just in case you can’t see my hair (because that’s part of this whole thing), here’s another one.
I know. Adorable, right? I did my own hair, my own makeup, and Jason took it from there.
And here’s a picture of me and Tim from the shower, which was held this past Saturday.
I did my own hair, but it’s significantly longer, and I had my makeup done as a trial for the wedding. You’re probably looking at these pictures not seeing much of a difference because of the small resolution of the photos, but trust me, there’s a difference. Granted, light might be a part of it, but in the top two photos, I feel I look sparkly, happy, almost glowing. In the last photo, I feel I look dull, stressed, and happy, but not glowing.
I know I’m nit-picking here, and maybe you all are looking at these pictures thinking I have no idea what I’m talking about. But the point is, I just don’t feel I looked right this past weekend, and considering this is more or less how I’m supposed to look on my wedding day – a day that is centered around love and image – I had a little bit of a meltdown. I hated my hair; I love it much better when it’s short, but I wanted to be able to put it up so have been growing it since we got engaged. I hated my makeup; there was so much on me that I don’t usually wear that I just felt… flat. And I still felt determined to get to the gym if for no other reason than just to make the dress a little more comfortable.
So I cried. And cried and cried and cried. I cried to my maid-of-honor; I cried to my mom; I cried to Tim. I didn’t look like myself; I didn’t feel like myself; I felt lost. 1
This was a lot like feeling lost in the first few weeks of living with Tim. I all of a sudden felt like I was a bad feminist, worried about nothing but my own vanity, yet realizing that there’s nothing more important to me at this moment than being able to feel like myself.
I wish I could end this post with an uplifting story about how this was all resolved and how I feel so much better. But, the fact of the matter is, it hasn’t really been resolved. My maid-of-honor and my mom both talked me into playing around with the makeup to find something I really liked. They also talked me into trying my hair a few ways to see if I want to cut it all off before the wedding, which I might just do. Mostly, everyone was just really supportive and helpful, making me realize that I’m really not losing anything of myself, that this can all be fixed, and that, sometimes, a good long cry and a little girl time can be better as a stress-reliever than any amount of pampering or exercising or wine.
This post is part of an ongoing series about feminism and relationships. Have something to say? Submit a guest post to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com! And, of course, you can always comment here!
- Let’s not confuse the fact that I felt lost with the ever-popular idea out there that weddings (and marriage?) make you loose something of yourself. I haven’t lost anything of myself – the makeup washes off, the hair can (and will) be cut. My personality has not been lost, just my outward appearance. ↩
Sorry you are feeling so bad, for what it’s worth I think you look absolutely stunning in the more recent picture, but I know what matters is how YOU feel about yourself.
I wanted to recommend, if you don’t know about it, going to a department store that has a Bobbi Brown counter and getting your make up done there. They will do you up to the nines with all their make up – and they are true artists – as long as you buy 3 items, which can be small, like an eyeliner pencil for $20. If you really like what they do, you could maybe even sign up for them to repeat it the morning of the wedding (you’d just have to buy 3 more things). Just a thought. I don’t work for Bobbi Brown; I have just used their makeup service for big events like galas and weddings. It has been a steal considering I buy stuff I use anyway and the makeup artists are geniuses.
Good luck and thanks for sharing what’s going on with you!
What a post!! Very informative and also easy to understand. Looking for more such comments!! Do you have a myspace or a facebook?
I recommended it on stumbleupon. The only thing that it’s missing is a bit of color. Anyway thank you for this information.
Oh, Ashley, I was right where you are! I did my own make up just for this reason and a family friend did my hair. I’m so glad you have a wonderful support system.
As for the dress, there is a secret they don’t tell you (some would say on purpose): the dress you try on in the store has been tried on numerous times by women of all shapes and sizes which means it will be stretched out, sometimes just because the fabric has had time to relax. So even if you order the same size as the dress you tried on like I did, it will be smaller.
🙁
I remember the feeling well. Lean on those who love you, and in 2 months it will all be over! (Not that that’s what you want to hear right now, I know).
i enjoy attending bridal showers coz there are lots of pretty ladies and it is enjoyable too*,`
I can relate. I was adamant that I was not going to be “that girl who grows her hair out just for one day and hates it the whole time” and then I found a picture of a hairstyle that required longer hair. I, of course, fell in love with the hairstyle and promptly started growing out my hair. I chopped it off on my honeymoon at a random North Carolina salon because I was so ready to have my shorter hair back!
Good luck with all your decisions. I’m sure you’ll get the glow-y look of your engagement photos back in no time.