Guest Post: The Dating Adventures of a Unapologetic Feminist
This is a guest post in a series on feminism and relationships. If you’d like to submit a guest post for this series, see the guidelines here and submit your post to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com.
Not Guilty writes at her blog, Finding My Feminism. She is 25 years old, on the cusp of finishing her law degree, and has been a feminist her entire life, but just recently became active through blogging and organizing/attending rallies. You can follow her on Twitter @atheistincanada.
I responded to a post at Small Strokes, who was calling for guest posts on feminism and relationships. I have reached a point where I am ready to actively date and figured this would present the perfect opportunity to maybe run a little non-scientific experiment on the dating adventures of an unapologetic feminist. I am going to write a few posts on how things go. This first one is a bit of background on me and the plan and goal of this “experiment.” I hope to be funny and maybe a little bit informative. I am really looking forward to doing this and I hope you enjoy reading about it!
About Me
I am a 25 year-old straight, white female living outside Toronto, Ontario. I started law school in September 2007 and will complete my degree in December 2010. I go to school out of Province, but will be back in Ontario permanently in January. I have a job lined up, which I am very excited to start. I am a very focused person and I have always given 100% of my energy to my main goal. For the past 8 years, that has been my education. I am a long-term planner, so I’ve not really been interested in dating because I never knew where I would end up. Now that I have my articling job, I know where I am going to be so I am ready to give dating a real go.
Towards the end of 2009 I began identifying as a feminist and as the past 10 months have progressed, I have become more and more active. I am passionate about women’s issues in general, and I wear the feminist label proudly. Considering there are many stereotypes surrounding feminism, I figure using the word in a dating profile is going to elicit some interesting responses. I am not just a feminist. I have a few other traits that significantly narrow the field. I am what Dawkins calls a “militant atheist,” and I am a big and small ‘l’ liberal. I also have no interest in being a mother. So with each of these traits, I know I am starting with a very narrow dating pool. Upon actually using the word feminist in my dating profile, I am sure that will cut the pool back even further.
I have a small bias against online dating; I guess I really don’t like being judged by my pictures and a few paragraphs, perhaps because I am terribly un-photogenic. I am (as is everybody) a very complex person. Yes I am a feminist, but I buck every stereotype in the book. I have never been afraid to share my opinion, often loudly; I love hockey, the outdoors, dogs and techy stuff. I own all the Star Wars DVDs and watch everything from Lost to Grey’s Anatomy to Big Bang Theory. I have a wicked sense of humour and I talk. A lot. A few things have lined up in the last 6 months such that I have tonnes of self-confidence.
The Plan
I am going to sign up at the free dating website Ok Cupid, mostly because I know a few people who are using it and they like it. For now I’ll stick with the one. I am going to create a profile, put up some recent pictures and in the description section I am going to use the word feminist. Then, for now, I am going to sit back and wait and see what happens. I am going to cast a fairly wide net and I will talk to anybody who messages me. If I determine that they are not a creep, I will go out on a date with them.
I want to be clear: this is not “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” I have been considering online dating for a while, this was just the push I needed to do it. If we get past a 2nd date, I might mention this “experiment.”
I met my fiance on match.com! And I used “feminist” in my profile, among things. I think that that word probably turned off some guys, but in the end I wanted someone who would respect me with all of my identities.
Good luck! Online dating is fun, but can also be frustrating as a woman–you’ll probably receive some inappropriate or weird messages from dudes, but don’t let that deter you.
Thanks for the encouragement! It is frustrating but I’m pretty used to being frustrated!
I know what you mean about small dating pools. When I left the church the number of ‘fish’ in my little section of ‘sea’ dropped from probably about 200 to about 40. I wouldn’t ever consider dating someone who doesn’t have a worldview that is compatible with mine. Pantheist? sure. Deist? sure. Apatheist? sure. Fence-sitter? sure. But I don’t think I could ever connect with someone who believes strongly in personal gods on anything beyond a friendship level.
I met my boyfriend on OKc! In Texas, no less! Not only did I put the word “feminist” but after you answer enough questions they give you those badges and match percentages that reveal you to be who you are (ish). We were an 86%, and Okc was actually right on. I was reaaally surprised! But it worked. The thing about online dating is that you have to go into it with low expectations. You wouldn’t be surprised if the dude you met at a coffee shop/bar/bookstore wasn’t the love of your love, so why be surprised when online daters turn out to be nothing more than interesting friends? That’s the mentality I kept, and for us, it worked. Though I did fess up to Sam later that I was dating a few people when we met. After about a month, it was just him. Good luck!