Guest Post: I advocate feminism; I will also take my future husband’s last name. So?
This is a guest post in a series on feminism and relationships. If you’d like to submit a guest post for this series, see the guidelines here and submit your post to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com.
Emily Heroy lives in Chicago, her home town. A city girl at heart, she moved to New York City in 2003 to attend college. In 2007, she received her Bachelor of Arts degree in Gender and Sexuality studies from New York University. While living in New York, she worked and volunteered with Women and Youth Supporting Each Other, Girls for Gender Equity, and NARAL Pro-Choice New York. Outside of the U.S., Emily has also worked at a home for people and children with HIV/AIDS in Salvador, Brazil (CAASAH); the Anganwadi School in Dharamsala, India; the Association for the Promotion of the Status of Women in Bangkok, Thailand; and the Peace Corps in Morocco. Emily is the Executive Editor of Gender Across Borders, a global feminist blog that was founded by herself and other feminist bloggers in 2009. Currently she works in Evanston, IL for a HIV/AIDS research program and is studying for a master of science in secondary education. She is also a contributing writer for Equality 101. You can contact her at emilyheroy(at)gmail(d0t)com.
I have issues with feminism. Wait, let me re-phrase that: I have issues with feminists telling me what feminism is or isn’t. What feminism should or shouldn’t be. Telling me that I’m not a feminist or I am in fact a feminist because of certain actions and life choices that I make. Thankfully it was bell hooks who proclaimed “I advocate feminism” so that I don’t need to prescribe to feminist rules.
Sometimes my personal life does not run parallel to feminism. Not against it; it’s just a different entity. The relationship with my significant other is one of them, for many reasons.
First off: we have a very equal relationship which would be so-called “feminist.” In the past, I have been in relationships where one person is needier than the other (by means of more attention). I have been in relationships where I have been put on the pedestal and almost fawned over. But no, my significant other and I are different. We both respect each other deeply. We are considerate of each others’ feelings. We adore each other equally. We listen and communicate well.
On the flip side, though, our relationship is very traditional. He will be a medical doctor and I’ll be a teacher after we both finish school. That means he’s going to make more money, while also working long hours, and I’ll have a somewhat regular 9am-5pm job, not contributing as much to the family income, and taking care of the kids. This is a nuclear family-esque set-up, but that’s how we want it. We will do everything we can for each other to pursue our own individual careers while also having a family. If it’s traditional, then so be it.
This has actually somewhat played out in our current situation (no, I do not have children) because he has started his third year in medical school on a surgery rotation. That means he gets up at 4am to go to the hospital and comes back home anytime between 7pm-8pm. Not counting every fourth night where he is on call at the hospital all night. He also has to study in the very little free time he has. Compared to my own schedule, I work Monday-Friday 9am to 5pm.
Therefore, I’m the one doing the household duties around the house–cleaning, cooking, and doing laundry. Don’t get me wrong–my significant other is probably a better cook than I am (though I’m the better baker), and in [most situations] is cleaner than I am. But he just doesn’t have time for those household chores. So I don’t do those chores for him; I do it for us.
Another thing: we recently got engaged. He gave me a gorgeous ring which I love. Yes I know what the feminist implications of wearing an engagement ring. For me, though, I am reminded of our love and relationship every time I look at the ring.
We will also get married and probably have a big wedding.
“Oh no!” some of you feminists might be thinking, “She’s a feminist and going to get married?!?!”
I’m still not sure about the white dress (because after all, my skin is beyond pale and white just doesn’t suit me), but hey, Feministing founder, Jessica Valenti, wore a “gray” dress (come on, that dress looks white, it might as well be white!). I will probably take his last name so that our family will all have the same last name. Hyphenation is out of the question; I don’t think there would be space on my tax form for the last name “Heroy-Fillingham.” My last name is my father’s, so what difference will it make if I take my husband’s or my father’s? Either way, if you’re a woman and facing this name-change decision, you’re screwed. I haven’t really thought about anything else in regards to the wedding ceremony, but it shouldn’t matter to you.
But I’m writing this out there for those women who advocate feminism but have fought for a long time how to balance personal life with political life. You can be a feminist and be in a relationship, as I’ve shown by example above. I know that the “personal is political” but those choices that I’ve made in my relationship are my own. Because what I choose to do doesn’t make me a feminist or not; my choices are my choices and only I can be the judge of them.
This article is cross-posted today at Gender Across Borders.
I’m getting married in November in a very, very small way, but I will take his name, not because I feel less attached to my own, because in my opinion it’s MINE as much as it is my father’s, but because I feel more at home with his entire family than with mine. Becoming officially part of that family in name is something that means a lot to me.
I haven’t decided if I’m going to change it legally or just use it socially. It was one of the major moments of our relationship when I realized that it wouldn’t matter to him in the slightest that, should I opt not to change my name in professional settings, he would likely be referred to as Mr. Mylastname as often as I am referred to as Mrs. Hislastname. I may do a legal name change primarily because we will need to deal with immigration in the near future–and potentially the issues that accompany crossing borders with children in the more distant future–and it’s easier the fewer things you have to explain.
It doesn’t feel antifeminist to me in the least to be considering it. We are getting married because we want to. Because it is important to us. Because we have made the decision, with a lot of thought, about the way our lives are about to go forward. I don’t see anything antifeminist about that.
Huh. And here I thought feminism was about empowering women to make their own choices about their lives, instead of forcing them to follow society’s [or faux-feminism’s] mandates… SILLY ME.
I got married in a pink dress. BECAUSE I LIKE PINK. I wear dresses. I’m pregnant, because I want to have kids, and really, really wish our financial situation allowed me to stay home with my future kid(s). BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO DO. That’s what would make me happy. So, how is fulfilling my desires… “anti-feminist”??
Taking your husband’s last name because if you don’t he’ll beat you, that’s not “feminist.” But then again, so is NOT taking your husband’s last name because other “feminists” will bully you.
There are so many, much worthier causes for us to spend our energies on… why do we spend so much time harping on wedding details and last names?
And, as you know, this is what I’ve been saying all along – it’s about a woman’s right to choose. And I think it’s unfortunate that we’re still having this debate, but I do believe it is an important one to consider when talking about feminism. There are still feminists who WILL bully you into keeping your name ( http://bitchphd.blogspot.com/2010/05/against-name-change-polemic.html ), and a defense of the opposite is just as important to the conversation.
Besides that, the name change debate goes much deeper into our society than just marriage and weddings. The whole “OMG DON’T EVER CHANGE YOUR NAME” thing like I linked to above is really, really oppressive in and of itself, for more reasons than just taking away a woman’s right to choose. There are many, many reasons why someone might not identify with the name they were given (trans* people, for example) or might want to give a big f-you to the patriarchy by participating in it when they’ve otherwise been marginalized (queer people) or might want to change their surname so not to face further oppression because of their culture (a woman in my grad class did this many years ago when applying for jobs – sad, but true)… there are a host of reasons for changing one’s name, and, because of this, the argument like the one at Bitch is a dangerous one.
I know Emily didn’t mention these reasons in her post, and I’m not trying to derail the conversation here. I just think that the debate does go deeper than a woman taking a man’s name upon marriage, and that Emily’s reasons for changing her name are just as valid as any other. And the discussion is still important.
Amen, thanks for your comment!
Nobody’s name is nobody’s business except the folks filling out the forms.
I fully advocate women’s choice and support your decision to take your husband’s last name. Empowerment is only empowerment if you have a choice! I’m happy for you that you’ve found such success in love (and life!).
I do wonder, though, why you will take your husband’s name rather than him taking yours. Personal reasons? Legal ease? Or simply because it’s more accepted in society? Please don’t consider this an attack, I know your personal choices aren’t going to “disqualify” you as a feminist. I’m just curious into how much your decision is influence by the norms of society.
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