Is this really me?
And I thought this sort of stuff only happened in movies…
…or maybe it does happen in movies and I’m now socialized to believe it should happen to me, too, and that’s why it happens.
Chicken or the egg, eh?
Or maybe it is just “normal” for there to be a bit of an identity crisis when two lives are about to merge together into one. (I hate that language. “Two lives into one.” Am I not going to have my own life anymore? I suppose, in a way, I’m not. Not the same life I had before, anyway. It’s not just about me and my decisions anymore, but us and ours.)
I keep looking at this wedding, at this marriage, at this new partnership that isn’t all that new and wondering: Is this me? I was that “radical” kid who never thought she’d get married, never wanted a diamond ring or a big white wedding. Thought she’d meet a wonderful guy and fall in love and just live without all the pomp and circumstance. I don’t know why I thought that. I’ve always been a “girly-girl.” I thought about weddings, and did idly think about my own, but I just never thought I’d do it. Maybe it was being surrounded by people who so vehemently abhorred the concept of weddings and marriage and me wanting to fit in. Maybe I really believed it. I don’t know if I can ever be sure. (Am I that much of a chameleon?)
And then I met Tim, and things were different. “Shouldn’t we celebrate our love?” he said. Yes! Yes we should! And we should celebrate our love in whatever way felt right to us. And then, all of a sudden, I found myself (ourselves) making decisions about this celebration that were traditional. Elegant. White. And I was happy with these decisions. They felt right. For us. For our families and our family to be.
And then I started reading more blogs. Maybe it’s selective hearing, but I started seeing weddings everywhere. “Don’t give in to the pressure to have this huge wedding!” (Was I pressured?) “Don’t spend that much money!” (Is there a way not to?) “Have a short dress instead of a long one!” (Am I “uncool” if I have a long dress?) “Don’t, whatever you do, wear white!” (Does the age-old symbolism really mean more than what it means to me?) I started seeing pictures of all of these really “cool” weddings. No bridal party. A single table seating twenty in the woods somewhere. Or a cabin. Or a backyard. Simple. Hip. Delicate.
And here I am. With a 10-person bridal party. Black and white. 150 guests. A golf club, a reception hall. Simple, yes – in a way, but not hip. Elegant. Traditional.
Like all good things in life, there’s no one right way to do a wedding. But how do you know what’s right?
Our wedding is not going to be hip. But, the thing is, I’ll take earnest over hip any day. And we will be earnest in our wedding planning. In our vows to each other. In our lives each and every day. Doing what is right and what is right for us. Fighting the good fight. Defending each other. I’m not saying that hip cannot be earnest, but traditional and elegant can be earnest, as well, and I think that gets lost in the shuffle.
Many people think hip weddings are more earnest because they look simpler, and simple weddings show people with the “right priorities.” (“If you don’t spend that money on a wedding, you can spend it on a house!”) But who is to say that those priorities are right for everyone? Who is to say they are right for me? For us?
I hope to live this new part of my life elegantly and earnestly, just as I tried to live this past part of my life. I’ve failed at least as much as I’ve succeeded in this, to be sure, and I will fail again. But if a wedding is to be a symbol of the marriage to come, let this be our symbol. Elegant. Earnest. Happy.
I think you just do what’s right for you. I know it’s hard to figure that out, but just look deep inside. A radically lefty feminist friend of mine got married in a big white wedding in a Catholic Church. She rails against the Church all the freaking time. But she did what was right for her and her husband…at the time. Doubt they would make that decision again.
Vegas was best for us. It was inexpensive and allowed us out of inviting everyone and their cousin. We did miss out on a lot of friends attending thou. But we loved our lil Vegas wedding.
People change. I never saw myself the marrying type either. I’m more surprised that I’m married than anything else in my life. Love happens.
I laughed a good bit about this – “Don’t spend that much money!” (Is there a way not to?) – because I’m finding that it is literally impossible to get married without spending what is (to me) a lot of money. Even a ceremony at city hall costs money!
Oh, this.
I think you are not alone in these concerns. I know a lot of people my age who are tying the knot and worried about how to do it. If marriage has never been a huge thing for you, I wouldn’t sweat it. If the ceremony itself is more important than what it means to be a couple indefinitely, you’re doing it wrong. You don’t need a complicated table in the woods or rooftop dance party to do a wedding right, you just need a good partner and good friends to celebrate with.
EKSwitaj, funny you should mention City Hall. My brother and his wife got married at city hall. They’d lived together long enough to negate filing taxes separately and planned to be married just long enough to “divorce” and get back to separate filing, marriage being “just a piece of paper” and all. They got off work a little early and grabbed a friend to witness. The friend insisted on taking snapshots, they couldn’t quite make themselves divorce, and those snapshots are now treasured mementos. That was 20 years ago, and they’ve been fighting the good fight together since they were teenagers.
Ashley, those snap shots are them, your elegant affair will be you – of course! And congrats!!!
Ashley,
do what feels right! We did our wedding our way and it was fabulous. Who cares what society says, elegant, formal, informal…. why are you worrying. All you need is he and you and “I do.” The rest is just icing on the cake. Marriage is the greatest adventure I ever embarked on and I wouldn’t trade a minute of it. Enjoy every minute of it and just be you. This is your life and you are “spectacular!” Happy Wedding Day when it comes!
Jill