Wedding Update
It’s been a while since I’ve written about my wedding, so I figured I should give everyone an update. Planning has been pretty much put on hold until Tim and I finish our Masters degrees in May (although we’re going to a tasting on March 8, and I’m pretty stoked about tasting some great food!), but since Tim, my mom, and I are all teachers, we’ve been able to get a lot of stuff done on days off and vacations. All we really have left are guest lists, invitations, and flowers.
Since I’m a pretty non-traditional person, it may surprise some people that we opted for a rather traditional ceremony and reception, but I think we’re putting some nice twists on it to make it our own. What follows is what we have decided so far:
1. We are having a more traditional ceremony. I’ll have the white dress and will be walked down the aisle by both of my parents as a symbolic gesture of combining families. I will not be “given away,” however – no one will be asked “Who gives this woman to this man.” And no one will be asked if they have any reason we should not be married. I’m sure there are plenty of people with reasons, but I don’t want to hear them. 🙂
2. We are not writing our own vows. I know, two English majors not writing their own vows?! My problem with handwritten vows is that they never seem to sound very sincere, and I don’t think I’ll be able to speak loud enough to be heard anyway, so we’re opting for the “I do” vows, although they will be customized. None of this “honor and obey” stuff. And none of the “Mr. and Mrs. _____” or “man and wife” stuff, either. I’m not changing my name, and I’m not going to pretend I am for the sake of ceremony and tradition. We’re going to be introduced as “The married couple, Ashley and Tim.” I like that. 🙂
3. My uncle – my mom’s brother, and one of the coolest people I know – will be officiating the ceremony. He is not affiliated with any religion, so it will be more of a civil ceremony, but it will follow the traditional religious format so to speak. We will also have a mix of religious and secular readings.
4. I’ll be walking down the aisle to The Beatles. And that is awesome.
All-in-all, it is shaping up to be exactly what we want it to be, and with every decision I am more and more excited. So, there’s your update! If you have any wedding stories or suggestions to share, please do! I’d love to talk wedding for a few days here.
Thanks for sharing your cool ideas, Ashley!
I am wondering, if you feel like sharing, how your mom feels about walking you down the aisle along with your dad? I will be getting married in the next few years and that is a big bone of contention for us – she doesn’t want to do it; thinks it’s silly and stupid-looking. Personally, I would rather walk down the aisle by myself but my mom said that would make my dad feel really bad. But like you I hate the symbolism of being given away…UGH! So I am trying to compromise by getting my mom involved in the walk down the aisle, but she just hates the idea…how does your mom feel about it?
Well, my mom is pretty non-traditional, and I’m lucky in that regard. She really was on board from the beginning, and was honored. She and my dad actually thought I’d be walking myself, and if I really wanted to “stick it to the man” so to speak (or “defy any sort of patriarchy” might be a more academic way of speaking), I suppose I should walk myself down the aisle. But, in many ways, the word “patriarchy” can be substituted with “family,” especially when you’re talking about a wedding. (Unfortunate, yes, but true.) The way I see it, acknowledging my family at this ceremony is MUCH more important to me than biting my thumb (to quote Shakespeare) at patriarchy. Maybe that makes me a “bad feminist.” I don’t know. But it is my choice to make, and I’m making it. My mom and dad walking me down the aisle is symbolic to me of a meeting and joining of families, and also symbolic of how I feel about both my mother and my father and Tim and their involvement in my life, both past, present, and future.
That said, if my mom hadn’t wanted to walk with me or wasn’t honored to do so, I would have walked myself. It was either both of them or neither of them, and I’m fortunate to have both.
However, that is just me speaking for myself and my family. I have known many people whose mothers have not felt comfortable walking them down the aisle, but wanted some sort of symbolism of the families meeting at the alter and joining their children together. Your father walking you down the aisle can be symbolic of that sort of thing. The bottom line is not really how it looks to everyone else, but how you feel about it and what it means to you. Some people may look at your father walking you down the aisle and think “Oh, how un-feminist!” In this regard, I say that whole “personal is political” stuff is a bunch of crap. This is your wedding, and it should be what you want it to be. It’s all about what it means to YOU, and what YOU and YOUR FAMILY are comfortable with.
I don’t know if that helped any. Hopefully it did!
Walking down the aisle to the Beatles sounds wonderful. I’m very excited for you. I know that I’ll get married in the future, and I can imagine making all of these decisions in planning is difficult enough, but having to decide where to be “traditional” or “feminist” is even more difficult. But only you can make that decision—it’s very brave of you to share details of wedding planning on your blog. Anyways, I just wanted to say congrats to you and Tim!
Thank you so much, Emily. 🙂
Like I said above to Jane, making any sort of choice can mean something different to you than it does to anyone else. You really do need to make the decisions that are right for you. That is, after all, what feminism is about, isn’t it?