The Name Game (and More Wedding Stuff!)
Image by ronsho © via Flickr
There has been lots of stuff rumbling around in my head lately about names and weddings, and since you all seemed to want to know more about my wedding planning, I’ll rumble that stuff here.
I don’t know about you, but I think the debate over whether or not a woman should “be able to” keep her own name or not when she gets married is a little tired. I know, I write about it frequently on here, but I can’t help it! I am getting married, after all, and this is an issue on my mind.
There are several women out there (yea, I’ve done some feminist wedding research…) who say that changing their name never occurred to them or they would never consider it. I don’t know that I ever really considered it, but I know a few possibilities have passed through my mind. I’ll never drop my last name completely, but I have thought about the possibility of making it another middle name or hyphenating it or using it solely as a writing pseudonym. It makes me extremely sad to think about changing my name, so I probably won’t ever (in fact, I’m almost 99% sure I won’t ever), but I want to state right now that I am a feminist who has considered changing her last name to her husband-to-be’s.
However, I was speaking with a few friends today who were completely shocked that I’m not changing my name, which sort of confused me. They read this blog and talk to me about it, so I know they’re up-to-date on my feminist status, so it surprised me that they would be surprised that I had decided not to change my name. They told me that since I seemed so psyched about a traditional wedding that it would only follow that I would be traditional about the name change.
I disagree. I believe that deciding to become someone’s partner for the rest of your life is a very important decision, and a very feminist thing. My fiancé is a wonderful man who cares for me, loves me, respects me, and wants to share his life with me, and I feel the same about him. And deciding to share that love and commitment with our friends and family in a big way is fitting for such a big decision.
But, we have decided to share our lives. I have not decided to become engulfed into his, nor has he decided to become engulfed into mine. So it also seems fitting that we would keep our own names.
I feel that it is such a common thing now to keep your own names that it doesn’t really matter, and will matter even less by the time when (if) we get around to having kids and those kids are in school or have to explain it to their friends. And, as such a common thing, I’m completely shocked every time I call a venue or vendor for my wedding and they ask me my first name, my fiancé’s first name, and my fiancé’s last name. This has seriously happened about 5 times already, and I bet it will continue to happen in the future. Maybe I’m so immersed in feminism and I surround myself with so many feminists that I am shocked when people don’t exercise caution when talking about names. I still haven’t quite figured out how I want to respond to people when they ask me this, but most recently I’ve just started saying: “Well, MY last name is ______ and his is _______.” Usually after that they figure out my master feminist keep-my-own-name plan.
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Interesting about your friend’s reactions…Just because you want a traditional WEDDING (one day) doesn’t mean you want a traditional MARRIAGE (lifetime). And way to be strong to the vendors you’ve been scouting. You’d think they’d have sensitivity training by this point to ask, “and how would you two like to be presented?” instead of just assuming. We are in 2009, yes?
i seriously considered changing my name when i got married the second time. and may start going by my wife’s last name if we have kids.
and this is why. we’re lesbians. and even though it would be nice if stuff were different, i’ve heard one too many stories about lesbian families dealing with difficulties in health care, airports and customs with different last names. it kind of seems like it would just be simpler if we all had the same last name at that point.
still don’t know what i’ll end up going with
btw – one advantage to being a girl with a wife? i regularly pretend to be her (and vice versa) to deal with things over the phone. there, our names so don’t matter…
I can understand any women – especially feminists – considering the name change issue. We are still a part of this culture, and we have been socialized to take our husbands’ names. I don’t fault feminists for thinking about it either!
But it does irritate me quite a bit when feminists or feminist-minded women start making up a lot of rationalizations for taking their husbands’ names rather than the basic fact of: it’s expected, it’s institutionalized, and it very much represents power imbalances between men and women.
(For example, if it were really JUST about having the same name for the kids, or it ‘sounding better’, men would be just as likely to take their wives’ names. They’re not. There’s a reason for that.)
And I CANNOT FREAKING STAND the whole, I now present you with Mr. and Mrs. HIM! Argh! Woman, erased!
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married last year. (Surprise! 😉 We talked about changing both of our last names to a different one that resonated with both of us, but nothing came to mind.
I too thought it was common enough that no one would be surprised – especially since I live near liberal San Francisco – but recently, a client asked if we were married (we own a company together) and got this confused look when we said yes, saying “But…your last names are different…?” Then he kind of gave my husband a look and gesture, like, “look out for that one!” I was very surprised. It’s 2009, c’mon!
I wish this wasn’t such a sticky issue. My best friends changed their names when they got married. One because her husband’s mother had died and so he wanted there to be another Mrs.______ which I think is a kind of heart melting reason. The other best friend married a guy whose last name was the same as hers minus two letters and she really wanted to have a “family name”. Me, I like my last name. My fiance’s name is easier to pronounce, but I like my family better than his by far so I’m not taking his name. I kind of thought he would consider the idea of taking my name but not so much, so we’ll have different names. I never know what to do, though, when people call asking for Mrs. his last name. I feel like saying “His mother doesn’t live here.” though I guess it’s helpful when dealing with telemarketers.
But what to do about future children? Fiance wants them to have his last name because he is his father’s only son and so wants to pass along the family name and genes. Thing is, his half brother, while not his father’s son, has the same last name and has two kids already. So what’s the big deal? Something to debate more I guess. And we don’t have hyphenatable names. They’re both too long and from different heritages so they sound odd together like that.
Ashley, first, congratulations on the engagement, the new job, this blog, etc. It seems that you’ve been doing really well!
Second, while I’ve been reading your blog ever since seeing it on Megan M.’s blogroll, I wanted to comment as this post absolutely resonated with me as I, too, didn’t change my name when I got married. The reason being? In my upbringing, name changing wasn’t the norm. Just as many women don’t question their name change because their mom did it, their grandma, their aunts, their sisters, etc., I always doubted I would because I didn’t grow up around women who changed their names. Every influential woman in my life had her maiden name. Now, I didn’t make a point of recognizing and thinking about these women’s names while growing up, but when I got engaged and had to start thinking about what to do about my name, the idea of changing it made me a bit sick in the stomach. Of course, I looked back to all those women from my childhood, realized they didn’t change their names, saw it wasn’t a big deal, and knew that it didn’t make them less of a wife, I decided that I would follow their example. Oh, and when my work study boss told me how she spent almost her entire honeymoon crying because she changed her name, and I instantly imagined myself doing the same, there was not a doubt in my mind that I would never change my name 😉
So, when people ask me about my name and I have to explain that this IS my maiden name, no I did not change it, yes I do love my husband (seriously, people have said it), I always like to add that while the greater society expects women to change their names (despite it being 2009…), MY small society/upbringing never did.
I was married 35 years ago. There were very few women then who kept their name after they were married. It wasn’t discussed, it was just assumed that you would change your name. So I changed mine. I remember distinctly, in 1974, crying when I realized that I would not be Linda V. ever again. I was now Linda S. and I felt I had lost something of myself. The years as Linda S. went on and 32 years after I was married, I was divorced. I wasn’t sure who I was after the divorce. My identity was shaken in many ways. It felt strange and wrong to be Linda S., but could I go back to being Linda V.? I asked my children if they cared if changed my name back to Linda V. and my 23 year old daughter said, “I don’t know why you changed it to begin with.” My 21 year old son said, “You are mom to me.” I needed my individuality, my selfhood back and changed my name back to Linda V., even though I was Linda S. for many years longer than I had been Linda V. I told a high school friend, who is still my best friend, that I was once again Linda V. He said, “You have always been Linda V. to me.” I had lost that pride in Linda V. and am slowly finding it again.
I still have not made up my mind about this one!
I had decided to change, mostly because it meant a lot to Sam….but as it became clear to him that my being willing to and my wanting to were not the same thing, he insisted there was no reason to rush the decision. At the wedding I talked to a cousin who got married over a year ago and is sort of in the same boat….uses her husband’s name and her own sort of interchangably, and has not legally changed her name…she keeps “putting it off” she says, and her husband doesn’t seem to mind. I fee like I’m going to wind up being in this boat, though I’d rather own the decision than back into it.
In the meantime, when the pastor had asked if I was taking his name (she didn’t assume that was the case) and at the time I was planning to…so she did the traditional “Mrs. and Mrs. Husband” presentation–as happy as I was at that moment, something about it stung, too, and I wished we had done that part differently. For me it’s not going to be an open-closed decision, I don’t think…seems like something I’ll continue to wrestle with.
I am surprised, though, that wedding vendors aren’t taking your last name down…from what I’ve learned, even if you are changing it, it’s typically done several weeks after the wedding–after the license has been filed–at which point, you’ll be done with them. Even if you WERE changing your name, the name they would be working with (and billing!) would be your maiden name. Weird.
I don’t know what I would/will do if/when the time comes. About the kids issue, I can offer some insight here. My mom and step-dad were married four months after I was born. My mom took my step-dad’s name so my parents always had a different last name than my sister and me.
It wasn’t a big deal. It matters so much less than people think it does – when it comes to kids, anyways.
Wow… so many wonderful comments here, I don’t know where to start. You are all so awesome! It’s good to know that I’m not the only one considering/reconsidering a decision on this. I think the most important thing is that I want to keep the option open. I’ll never completely change my name, but I may hyphenate it later in life if I feel so moved.
@Jeannie The fiance and I have tentatively decided that our possible future children will have his last name as their last name, but will have my last name as their middle name. Maybe that sounds weird… I don’t know.
@Melissa My dad (of course) supports me keeping my name (although he laughs at it a little in the “Ohhh Ashley…” sort of way) but he did say the most trouble I’d have would not be with kids but with people wondering whether or not we’re married. To that, I say… oh well. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. 😉
@Sara M. HEY!!! So good to hear from you again, and glad you’re enjoying the blog! What a great story you have! Thanks for sharing. People seriously ask you if you love your husband?! Wow…
@Becky I wondered about that in your ceremony when they announced you as Mr. and Mrs. Husband. It was kind of a nice way to present you two… I mean, what do you say if you aren’t changing your name? “For the first time as husband and wife _____ and ______?” I really loved your ceremony, though. SO beautiful! There was a lot in your ceremony that seemed to focus on partnership and equality and I really liked that (and I LOVED the minster! She was great!!). Oh, and you were so beautiful and looked so happy. I choked up a little bit, for real.
And everyone, please take note of Linda V.’s comment. That’s my mom right there, and that 23-year-old daughter she talks about… that was me. 🙂 I’m so proud of my mom for everything. She’s handled everything with such grace and I hope I turn out like her. <3
OK, that was sappy. But true.
I was incredibly adamant with my guy about not getting a ring when we got engaged. The name thing, however, not as big of a deal for me. I’m not that attached to my name, and I didn’t have the energy to deal with the “you’re NOT changing your name?!” drama from our families and friends. The ring thing was way more important to me than the name thing, so I chose my battles there.
But even after agreeing to take his last name, I continued to insist to my guy that the whole “tradition” thing was a complete cop-out, as he kept using that as his main reason for not wanting me to change my name. It’s now two years later and my guy recently told me that he agreed with my arguments and that he understood if I wanted to keep my name. I don’t really care either way anymore (this is also for personal reasons regarding my current family situation).
I don’t like hyphens though. It’s messy and long and still has the “what will your kids be named?” problem. My absolute ideal would be if we made a name combining our last names, but he hates that idea and nothing really goes well together.
I’m still not sure what we’ll do, but I guess I have some time since we aren’t in any hurry to plan our wedding.
and by “what will your kids be named?” I actually meant “what will happen when your kids get married?” but it’s late and I’m tired and confused lol
Thanks Ashley! It was a great day, but it went so fast–hearing other people’s memories and reactions has helped me re-live it a bit myself.
Re: name combining–I think this is a really interesting idea, and yet still one I can’t get totally comfortable with…probably because I’m too into history and genealogical ties. Informally, Sam and I call ourselves the Welzillians (some of our friends do, too) and I love it (we also have declared that our cat’s last name) but even though it totally WORKS, I don’t think I could swallow making it my legal last name. I like to think this is how we’ll sign christmas cards and “we’re having a bbq” invites and such, but who knows.
Things are getting sticky now that we’ve started getting checks….most of them are made out to Sam and Becky Killian. At this point we don’t actually have a joint account, though that should/will change soon. My bank let me deposit a check made out to Rebecca Killian but wouldn’t let me get cash back on it. It was convenient that they let me, but I was surprised. Why should they? Rebecca Killian could be anyone! I’d like to just add “becky killian” as a name on my account…but can you have pseudonymns on your bank account?
Questions, questions, questions….
My husband and I went in a different direction – we both hyphenated our names together. That’s right – both of us hyphenated. I’m not sure why more people don’t consider this an option. It seems like when a feminist gets married, she’s the only half of that relationship that even has to worry about what happens to her name. Why isn’t the husband thinking about what will happen to HIS name too? This is why we decided to hyphenate. It wasn’t fair for either of us to give up our last name, but we also wanted to have the same name, and give our children the same name too so we’d feel more like a family (and because I was raised not having EITHER my mother or father’s last name, I really needed my kids to have the same name as I do now.)
It’s a long mess, but it works for us. People ask what our kids are supposed to do with this long mess of a last name when they get married, and I tell them they can do whatever they want, just like we did. When they start a family with a partner, they and their partner get to choose the family name.
@FeministBreeder My fiance actually offered to hyphenate his name, but quite honestly, I didn’t want to change mine at all. As far as our children, who knows if we’ll even have any. But when we discuss it, I always say they should have his name, and he always says their names will be hyphenated. I suppose we have a lot of decisions to make, but I do feel good knowing that we have made this one and are happy with it – I’m keeping my name! 🙂
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The ‘tradition’ argument is one that doesn’t really convince me, but I find it hard to argue against. My usual retort is to say that there are parts of the world where intimate parts of a girl’s anatomy are removed under the guise of ‘tradition’, so tradition alone is a poor argument in my book. (Obviously, I’m not trying to equate the horrors of FGM with changing of surnames, but as both are perpetuated by using the same argument, I think the analogy is a valid one.)
Many of the arguments used are often predicated in the assumption that it is the ‘norm’. Yet, surnames are only 1000 years old (in the European tradition anyway) so no one used them before about 1000 A.D. Also, the adoption of a single family surname is actually not normal in probably 50% of the world’s population, and families survive, nobody had ‘identity’ problems.
I rather like the Spanish idea of each person having two, equal surnames; the mother’s and the father’s. Presumably, on marriage, only one name tends to get passed on. I suspect it’s the mother’s surname that gets dropped, but my own preference would be for prospective brides and grooms to make their own decision as to which surname they’d like to pass on to their children.
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