Small Strokes Big Oaks

Over at my personal blog, the last time the previous post was posted, I received this comment from a good friend, Chels:

“If a woman is married, she has obviously taken the necessary steps in order to be a suitable wife and, therefore, accepted into woman society. If she is “unmarried,” she will fall into one of three subcategories.”

I struggle with this sentence for a couple of reasons, but mainly because it assumes that the object of marriage was to become a wife…not to engage in a commitment to one’s partner, not to follow the progression of a relationship, not to make a family, but to be a wife. Personally, being a wife (and whatever that means) was the most terrifying part of getting married.

But to take the general topic up, I think the above quote is definitely not the case. While, yes…most women over 25 who are married (or have been married) can often find more generic conversation topics (husband/married life complaints)with a younger woman who is married, being married in itself does not grant one access into female society. Especially if you are one of those “crazies” who views marriage as a 50/50 partnership and who doesn’t change her name. Trust me. And, in fact, there’s also the possibility of reverse-discrimination: single women and friends projecting different expectations (and fewer invitations) to married women because now they have a husband. (Or assuming that they are a natural part of a society, when in fact, it is the individuals who make up a particular society who make that call.)

And as a married woman who surprises herself at sometimes seeking out the company of other married friends, I think there are some valid reasons for this sort of behavior. Marriage (or civil union, domestic partnership, common law marriage, etc.) is a straight up different relationship than anything else, no matter what. And what’s astounding is that a lot of the experiences are nearly universal. It sometimes pains me to say it, but a lot of the stereotypes are true…”Everybody Loves Raymond” just didn’t make sense to me until I got married. So, seeking out the company and conversation of fellow married women isn’t exclusionary (just as my single friends not inviting me out with them every weekend night isn’t), it’s just a way to socialize with those in similar situations.

I think the deeper issue here isn’t the blanket “female society” problem. I think it’s the natural inclination of people not to go outside their boxes in their social interactions. It can be uncomfortable and require change to invite an individual who is dissimilar to you into a friend circle. Is it worth it? Yes. Do most people get that far? No. It comes back to the value of our liberal education (or upbringing or habits or whatever) and our acknowledging that the vast majority people just aren’t very open-minded (whether consciously or not).

After thinking quite a bit about this, I decided that I really should have had two categories of married women, the married women who act like the woman in my anecdote, deciding who will and will not be good wives, and the married women who work to keep their happiness and try to make their partnership work to the best of their ability (key word there: partnership).  I believe most of the married women reading my blog fall under the latter category, and I respect your marriages absolutely.  However, there are quite a few women out there who fall into the former.  I wouldn’t call them friends of mine, frankly because I feel outright judged by them most of the time.  And the worst part about that is they judge my ability to have a relationship and be a good wife based on the way I act around them – in the workplace, out to dinner, etc. – not based on the way I act around my significant other.  The two are very different, I assure you.

To be completely honest, I know nothing about marriage.  I am not married; I don’t know how to be a “good wife.”  I want to know, and I want to be married someday sooner rather than later, and I hope I’m at least half as successful as all of you out there who are making it work.  I do believe, though, that if I refuse to give up what I feel makes me uniquely me, I will be happier, my husband will be happier,  and our marriage will be happier.  I do not think that being a “good wife” depends on how much I’m willing to give up and back down, as was suggested by the woman I referred to in my last post.

I truly hope I didn’t offend anyone!

The Girl Politics Series (click to read them all) is a series of posts that first appeared over at my personal blog, and it was actually the response I received over there that made me think that keeping a feminist-leaning blog might be my calling.  It also partially inspired my tweeting and Good Wife paper.  I thought these posts might be breathed to new life and new conversation over here, and so here they are.