What makes a good woman, part 2
What follows is the introduction to my paper for this class. It is what is called a “quest paper,” meaning my thesis is a question that will be answered by using specific examples from our readings in class, as well as any other research I want to include. The professor wanted a narrative before the question, and I might have gone a little bit overboard with my stories, but I wasn’t really sure how much backstory he wanted. I suppose we shall see, but until then, I could really use some feedback. What do you think? Should I rework some of the narrative leading up to the question? Where should I go from here? Do you have any suggestions for things to read and work into my paper? I appreciate any and all feedback.
There is a picture of me in my family room; I am three years old, wearing a teal shirt with pink flowers on it. My hands are sort of propping me up as I am leaning against a table in front of me. I am smiling sweetly, and all of this makes for a very cute picture.
The story behind the picture, and the reason this picture still resides in my family room, is indicative of my personality throughout my entire life. My mom took me to get my picture taken professionally. The photographer wanted me to sit in a white, wicker chair for the photo, and I would not do it. Apparently, the photographer ensued in a power struggle with me – never a good idea with kids – trying desperately to get me to sit in the chair. I simply would not do it. I wanted nothing to do with that chair. He tried coaxing me for quite some time before he gave up, let me do whatever I wanted, and we ended up with this adorable picture. At the end of the session, he turned to my mom and said, “Well, she certainly won’t need any assertiveness training,” and my mom replied, “I hope not.”
My mom loves to tell this story when friends are over and I’m doing something particularly bold or assertive, but she always seems proud of me that I have continued to be this way. I really believe this episode – and others similar to it – has shaped my life: how I deal with students, boyfriends, coworkers, family, other girls, random people who irritate me, etc. I think, as an adult, I am more assertive because I was always encouraged to be that way when I was younger, even though it may be a detriment to me sometimes, as people generally seem cautious of assertive women. It definitely caused some issues among my girl friends while I was growing up, and still does, because I often say what I think and stick to it without thinking. I do find this characteristic of mine helpful more often than not, and I’m glad I was raised that way. It has, however, gotten me into a few arguments, especially with women who were very different than myself.
The argument that has stuck with me the most was with a woman who was supposed to me a role model to me. She was my mentor at my first teaching job in a very small town in North-Central Illinois. I was far away from my friends and family, living by myself, and feeling as if I didn’t fit in at all. I made friends with a few of the other teachers, but their mindsets were very different than mine.
I suppose I should pause here to talk a bit about my relationship with these teachers, and their relationship with each other. That age-old stereotype about people in small towns, that everyone knows everything about everybody, turned out to be more or less true in this case. What happened in school and out of school was more or less the same thing, and it was all open for discussion. There wasn’t much of a division between work and personal life; it was all sort of lumped into a community life.
I was, by far, the youngest teacher in my department, which meant not only were the other teachers in a different generation altogether, but they all had known each other for a very long time, and most of them were friends outside of work. They would talk about each other’s quirks and complain a bit, and then say, “Well, that’s just how she is,” but they would never once defend me by the same means. They would be constantly trying to tell me how I should be, or what I was doing wrong. It was almost as if they were trying to undo my college years and tame me a little. I needed to be “tamed,” I guess you could say. I was definitely way too fidgety and easily angered and I didn’t know when to keep my mouth shut, but I believe that is something that comes with age, not with demeaning comments.
I made my opinion on that matter, and many others, clear, but that did not stop these women from making such comments. For example, my mentor and friend that first year was a married woman in her mid-30’s. She seemed relatively happy with her life, you know, aside from talking about how she wished everything was different. On one specific occasion, we were sitting with another woman, her friend and another teacher, enjoying a few beverages and talking about men – a typical Friday night. They were talking about weddings and marriage and all that, and I said something to the extent of, “I totally refuse to give up my last name,” or something that equally asserted my independence, and my mentor said, “Yea, and that’s why you’re not married.” This totally implied that, unless I gave up my independence, I would never find marital bliss. I think there was some concern on her part that I hadn’t found my future husband in high school or in college, so where was I ever going to meet someone? They were worried that I might end up alone, and I was more than ready to leave that all up to Fate.
We butted heads quite a bit over my two-year tenure at the school, and the conversations always started with her telling me about how I was too opinionated or too self-assured or too self-confident – from my earlier story about assertiveness, it is clear that I didn’t know such things existed. I thought these were all good qualities – and always ended with her telling me that if I kept up this attitude, I would never find a husband. I always told her that I would eventually find someone who wanted to be with a woman like me, and the wait would be worth it.
Over the years, I wondered more and more what the difference between us was. On the outside, we were very similar, and probably would have been good friends were it not for this continued argument. Why did this woman feel the need to “coach” me into being a “good woman” or a “good wife,” and why was I so resistant to her ideas, to the point that it ruined our friendship?
“I was definitely way too fidgety and easily angered and I didn’t know when to keep my mouth shut, but I believe that is something that comes with age, not with demeaning comments.”
I want you to never keep your mouth shut.
Sean, thank you.
However, I do think it is important for people to learn when it is best to say nothing at all, and I do believe situations like that exist. An abrasive approach is sometimes a huge turnoff, and no matter how smart you are, if you’re crazy-aggressive, no one will listen. I needed to learn that a few years ago, and I’m working on it. I will never stop expressing myself or my opinions; I’m just learning the art of doing so.
🙂
I have two stories that relate to your experiences. One is about teaching, right after graduating college, the other is about taking my husband’s name.
In the first, I spent a year teaching and traveling throughout the Northeast, teaching a reading and study skills course in private and parochial schools. I worked for a private, 3rd party company, and was sent into schools for 8 weeks, to set up, recruit students, collect payments (parents paid us separately, it was like a Stanley Kaplan course for kids) and then teach the actual 7-week course. I worked in three schools, each very different, but all private. My experiences at each of the schools were incredibly different, too. To keep the story short, at the second school, in Syracuse, I was befriended by the group of teachers. When I told them I took the job to see if I liked teaching, they all jumped on the chance to tell me to NOT become a teacher–how unrewarding it was, how thankless, how grueling and terrible, that they were stuck in “dead-end” jobs with nothing to show for it and teaching ungrateful, insolent children. They told me what to do every single day, with career counseling, social direction (who to go out with and where) and just about anything they had an opinion about. I was, by far, the youngest “teacher,” 22 at the time. I think it’s normal for people who spend their days telling students what to do, to want to continue telling a young person what to do.
The story about taking my husband’s name is much longer and more involved. I will write it up and send it to you. In the meantime, please note that I am now divorced and have reclaimed my maiden name…
ml
@mommommom
Being from a small town and moving to a larger city when I was 10 yrs old and now teaching back in a small town (even though it’s the “Hub City”, 200,000 pop., for all the other small towns on the South Plains of TX) way out in West TX, I can totally relate.
You and your mentor sound like two students I would have in my Intro to Women’s Studies class. This makes for a great class and usually some of the students witnessing this “debate” find answers for their own lives while watching the back and forth discussions about “how women should be!”
My thought is that your mentor was saying to you what she feared would have or had been said to her in her younger years. Meaning, “this isn’t how you are supposed to act” so therefore you must follow the leader. I’ve been there myself and don’t want to go back!
You are the leader, the leader of your own desires, ambitions, and successes. Obviously you know this but when discussing this with others there seems to be a “life experience game” going on and some how we end up trying to see whose life has been following the worst possible path, trying to “one up” each other. I’ve been witness to women and men speaking in general terms with little success in getting their point across. But when one begins to use “I” language there seems to be a need to validate our lives, telling our “experience”, in ways that keep us moving forward in life.
So, with that said…my interest in expanding your topic is in how groups of women seem to share so much with each other but become judgmental when someone speaks of “power” (however defined by the topic of discussion, which in your case is something so taboo as keeping your last name when approaching marriage). As one of the women in the group begins to express a “difference” of opinion she looks around to see if there is anyone backing her in the conversation. When no one surfaces as a support it’s as if you are now the pink elephant in the room and they don’t know what to do with you. The relationship begins to unravel into something to be feared rather than shared. The irony here to me is that you didn’t condemn their desire to change their name when they got married but instead you were condemned for thinking otherwise.
A difference of opinion among women is not always transparent. I believe there is much more to each of our personalities, histories, and experiences that lead us to the desires, ambitions, and successes we make out of our daily lives. The women you came to know, although briefly, gave you insight and empowerment by giving you the opportunity to safely express yourself. The bitch of it is, that they fit right into the neat package of a “post-feminist” debate that seems to be running rampant within mass media, academia, and the Internet.
Keep it up! We need more women to speak out and stay true on “both sides” of the equation for us all to understand a little bit more about our selves.
pearl
First, I don’t know that I’ve ever met a group of teachers who have tried to talk someone out of teaching. If you’re made for it (and I do believe you have to be a certain kind of person to teach successfully, just like you have to be a certain person to be a successful doctor, lawyer, mechanic, or any other job), it is one of the most rewarding jobs in the world. Sometime, I’ll tell you a few stories, or you can check out my other blog.
Teachers are almost always, however, very opinionated and they like telling young people what to do. After all, that is their job. 😉 I understand this, and participate in it sometimes, but I do believe that should stop at the point where they are giving information about someone’s personal life unless it is asked for.
Please do send me the story about your name. In the meantime, a funny story about reclaiming maiden names: My mom – divorced – changed her name back to her maiden name recently. Before doing so, she asked my brother and me how we felt about it. My brother said: “I don’t care. You’re just Mom to me,” and I said: “I don’t know why you changed it in the first place.” So she changed it back. 🙂 I love that story!
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