Do I have to give birth to my baby? (Thoughts on Adoption)
Posted: May 4th, 2011 | Author: Ashley | Filed under: Marriage & Family | Tags: adopt, adopting, adoption, babies, baby, childbirth, children, kids, marriage, pregnancy, relationships | 20 Comments »When I tell people that Tim and I don’t necessarily want to have children, I get a lot of mixed responses. Mostly, people ask why which, I’ve come to understand, is maybe a fair question considering Tim and I are both teachers and have chosen to dedicate our lives to educating children. So why not have children of our own? About equally, people tell us, “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll want them someday.” (Don’t worry? I wasn’t worried in the least. Not wanting kids is not like a bad cold or a shortage of money or a breakup to which you might be told “Don’t worry. It’ll get better.” But I digress.) I’m open to changing my mind about this topic – don’t get me wrong - but I’m not counting on it happening.
Occasionally, someone will tell me,”Oh, but you’d be so cute pregnant!” (Yes, because cuteness for nine months is a good reason to alter your life forever) or, “But you’re so good with kids!” (Yes, I am. Again, I’m a teacher. I like little kids, too, especially when I can give them back to their parents. And, honestly, I have never held a baby under 1 year old. Never. Scouts honor. They terrify the crap out of me. Always have.)
People talk about the joy and satisfaction and the you’ll-never-do-anything-greater feeling that is derived from childrearing. People, really, will do anything to persuade you to have children. Which I do not understand. If you’re not ready, wait. If you’re never ready, don’t do it.
However, through all of my tough façade, I really do like kids, and I really do feel like there might come a point in our lives when Tim and I are done traveling and eating out and drinking wine and we’re ready to settle down a little bit and jump on the baby bandwagon. But, to be honest, pregnancy scares the bejesus out of me. I don’t want my body to be a host for another body. I don’t want to have everyone and their mother telling me what I can and can’t do to my body whilst pregnant. I don’t want to be put in a life or death situation where I have to decide between me and the baby. I don’t want to gain weight. I don’t want the pain. I don’t want to have a 6-8 week recovery off of work. I absoultely do not want a C-section because surgery scares me more than anything.
Most of all, I don’t want to have to stop drinking wine. 
Now, Tim and I have talked about adoption as a possibility. There are so many babies out there without homes, and that seems like a really great way to have a baby and not be pregnant. Not to mention, my best friend was adopted and has a wonderful life. Of course, articles like this one about women being pressured to give up their babies for adoption really scare me, too, but I imagine that, (like anything) with some research, we could find an adoption agency that isn’t totally shady.
But when I tell people my thoughts on adoption (or even when I don’t, sometimes these opinions are just offered to me), I’m sometimes told that, no matter what I do, an adopted baby wouldn’t be my baby. Or I’m told that I should have my own baby if I can because I’d want it to look like me or Tim. Or that it’d be fun. Or that pregnancy is worth it to have your own baby.
Or that if I can have my own baby, I should because I don’t know what I’m missing and there are women who desperately want to be pregnant out there that can’t.
I’m not so sure what my ability and desire to be pregnant (if I even have that ability – having never been pregnant, I couldn’t even tell you) has to do with other women’s ability and desire to be pregnant. I’m desperately sorry for women who want to be pregnant more than anything but who can’t. But I’m certainly not going to tell someone who is pregnant and who doesn’t want to be – or someone who isn’t and doesn’t want to be – that they don’t know how lucky they are.
Here’s the thing. For many women, it’s either have a baby or don’t have a baby at all. And that’s fine, if that’s what you want. But don’t tell women with unwanted pregnancies they take pregnancy and childrearing for granted if you’re not willing to adopt a baby that someone else couldn’t take care of for whatever reason. And don’t undermine my desire and ability to adopt just because… well why? Why would you? Because it isn’t my baby? Why isn’t it my baby? If I love and care for and would do anything for that child, why isn’t it my baby?
I usually leave these conversations infuriated and frustrated with nothing to really say in return. It’s a crossing of beliefs, and I’m not going to change anyone’s mind by spouting out statistics about how many babies are waiting to be adopted or how many pregnancies go bad or how many women suffer postpartum depression. But I would like something to say in return other than, “You worry about your family and I’ll worry about mine.” It’s just such an emotional issue – and one that I’m still sorting out in my head - that the snarky comebacks haven’t come to me yet. I’m open to suggestions.
Ashley, i believe that adoption is a splendid idea. Being raised in Okinawa, Japan, the Philippines and Detroit, there are plenty of homeless children. Being a dude, we take women for granted. My wife had to endure our two children. All the symptoms u mentioned is correct. Us males are lucky. So making the decision to adopt will work well. Or you can work for the peace corp as an alternative. Poverty is all around globally. Peace!
This is related to the beginning of the post, not the adoption part….
It really annoys me when people talk about my “new” family, now that the baby is here. (As in, “Here’s a picture of the new family!”) I’m sorry, people, but Wesley and I (and our two kitties) were a completely valid family pre-baby. I hate when people imply that you’re not actually a family until you have kids. (I try to refer to us as a “newly-expanded family.”)
Also, you still have 9 months in which I can help you rectify the fact that you’ve never held a baby under 1 year old!
“Why is having children the ultimate performance for successful people?” -I Heart Huckabees
I hate the attitude that a woman somehow owes it to the world to bear children. And i agree so strongly with your assertion that pro-lifers should more heavily consider adopting the babies they so want to save. The way i see it, people who don’t have their own children are doing the world a favor; there is an overpopulation problem. There are babies who already exist and need love, and i commend you for considering adoption. But i also encourage you not to feel pressured to raise children. It’s up to you and your husband, and nobody needs to make that monumentally important decision for you.
Oh, Ashley, there are so many responses I have to this, and I say this as the mom of 2 adopted children, as a person whose brother has an adopted daughter, as someone who has a family of cousins entirely comprised of adopted children (4 of them), as a person whose siblings have had children biologically, as step children, or not at all. . . .you get the picture (and you know some of it/them first hand!). So within a certain range I know whereof I speak, and I say, no one has the right to tell you you should bear children, adopt children, abstain from bearing children or from adopting children. It’s your body, your decision. It’s your family, your decision with Tim. Adoption can be a fantastic way to have a family, but it’s not necessarily so. It’s not a decision to be talked into by anyone (nor would they want to be responsible for that, if they knew the heartache it can be). As for adopted kids being yours or not, they are. You love them unqualifiedly. People who think otherwise have no empathetic imagination and have no right to an opinion that you should take seriously as a result. As for snappy comebacks, the only ones that come to mind would involve lowering yourself to the level of those who would be so insensitive as to tell you what to do. So, to a female telling you to bear children: “Wait, before we have this conversation, we need to discuss your having your tubes tied, which obviously you need to do.” For a male doing the same: “Wait, before we have this conversation, we need to discuss your having a vasectomy, which you obviously need to do.” For anyone telling you to have kids by any means: “So are you offering us the $200,000 it will cost to put the baby through college?” You get the idea. Sorry if this is too visceral a response, but you’re an intelligent, thoughtful, caring person, and people need to respect that and respect you. You’ll have a happy life living with decisions you make with Tim about your future.
I love, love, love this post; it echoes quite a few of my thoughts. Especially this part: “People, really, will do anything to persuade you to have children. Which I do not understand.” YES. Why?!
Thanks, Steph. I agree – WHY?!
Aniel – Thank you for your support! It’s refreshing to hear support of these ideas.
Maria, you read my mind. Tim and I have a family. In fact, we have lots of family. Why do babies legitimize us as a couple?? That’s like royal family circa Edward VIII stuff. Ugh. I like your “newly-expanded family” term, though. I may use that – when referencing other people, of course.
And we are coming your way in the summer! We’ll talk details soon.
I feel exactly the same way. First of all, it’s my choice. It’s my body. I do what I want. Secondly, a family is a family because you love each other and care for each other, not because of genetic material. And what I do with my body and my family is my business.
Or the attitude that a woman somehow owes it to her HUSBAND to have children. That’s the question I get most often – “Well what about if Tim wants kids?” Like… you think we haven’t talked about this major life decision at all?
Thanks for your encouragement.
Dr. O, you just made my day.
I think of you often when I think about adoption, for obvious reasons. If we do make the decision to adopt, you can bet I’ll be calling you for advice… just like in undergrad!
I think the problem is just exactly what you said – there are people who just don’t have any imagination when it comes to family life. And that explains SO MANY problems people have with gay marriage, domestic partnerships, cohabitation, not having children, adoption, divorce, step-children… just to name a few. Some people just can’t think outside of their tiny little boxes, and I feel sorry for them. They will never know the joy that people experience from simply opening up their lives and accepting people into them. It’s so frustrating.
As far as the snappy comebacks, you’re right. I shouldn’t lower myself to their level. I guess I was more referencing when I decided to keep my name and people would give me a lecture about it, I found saying things like, “Well, Tim and I aren’t sure if it’s going to work out, so we figured this would just be easier” just shut them up really quick, and gave us a bit of a giggle.
But you’re right – the best thing I can do is explain my position and hope they come around.
Thanks!
And a family isn’t a family because of vows, either. If Tim and I lived together and didn’t get married, he’d be no less my family than he is now!
Amen, sister!
Yay!
It will be awesome to see you guys!
I completely agree. Since going to Honduras several times to do missions work with a church, I’ve seen so many children in malnutrition clinics or AIDS orphanages that desperately need parents. So why, if you desire not to become pregnant, should you not have the opportunity to adopt those kids? That’s just foolishness. You should feel free to adopt if you don’t desire to be pregnant! I wish the best for you and Tim.
I’ve got a video I think you might be interested in embedding and commenting about: http://www.newsy.com/videos/u-k-virginity-tests-more-widespread-than-once-thought/. The videos looks into reports that the UK used virginity tests back in the ‘70s to screen immigrants from entering the country. Initially the UK was punished for their actions, but a new report shows the invasive tests were more frequent than once though.
I hope you can find some use for the video. Let me know if you have any questions. And I hope if ya’ll do adopt one day, you can have peace and joy in that adoption.
The only real perk of having a disease that affects fertility is that when people ask me when I’m going to start breeding, I get to say “I may not be able to have children.” That puts an end to the conversation right away.
And the more research I do about fertility issues, the more I think that anyone can answer the question that way. Because that’s just it: being able to conceive and carry a baby to term are not givens for anyone, so people shouldn’t go around pretending they are!
I only encourage you to research the hell out of any agency that you consider (which also means avoiding facilitators and solo-working attorneys). Ethical adoption is possible, but it’s also difficult and frustrating as it’s still not common place.
There are fantastic blogs out there by adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents that you need to be reading now, way before contacting any agency.
I am 100% for adoption. Yes, there are horror stories of adoptions gone wrong (like that one family putting the kid on the plane back to Russia), but I have a feeling there are more good stories than bad.
I know many couples who have adopted and that is their child. Doesn’t matter if they are white and the child is black… it is their child. You don’t have to give birth to a child to love it and care for it. You as a teacher care for your children… why wouldn’t you love a child that you bring into your home?
I plan on adopting some day as a single mother (if I don’t meet Mr. Right between then and now). I have so much to give as a mother and there are plenty of children who need a mother. Like everyone else, I suggest heavy research into adoption and agencies. Talk with people who have adopted. Hit the library and the book stores for books on adoption. Surf the web. A great starter site is the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.
I think with proper research on all fronts, you and your husband will be able to decide if adoption is truly right for you.
I know you wrote this back in May, but I just found it, and I wanted to say that it feels so good knowing there is someone out there with my same thoughts and dilemma. Once I got married the questions started rolling in from every single person I know, “Is she pregnant yet?” LITERALLY every single person, and non-stop pressure. Like I have no choice in the matter, like because I’m female I HAVE to give birth, and if my husband wants a baby I have to be submissive, and adoption is only an option if I can’t conceive. Some women honestly want to have kids and raise a family, but I am extremely terrified of pregnancy and giving birth. I hyperventilate, get nauseous and cry for hours just thinking about some of preganancy and labor’s highlights. Which is something my husband knew before marrying me, but obviously he didn’t believe me or thought I would change my mind, and now he does not want to adopt because he doesn’t think it will be “ours,” even though he sees the love between me and my parents and I’M adopted! I desperately wanted to carry on a sort of tradition by adopting with him, but even my parents, who adopted me because they couldn’t conceive, think I should try on my own first, despite my extreme fear. I think that because I’m adopted I know all about what’s it’s like, and would be very able to raise an adopted child. But people tell me that in order to adopt through an agency you need to prove you cannot have children of your own. I don’t want to believe this is true, but I can’t find any information about it online, and I don’t want to contact an agency until I’m ready. Anyway, I think I might be babbling, so I’ll let it go. Thanks so much for sharing this personal topic! It made me feel better to know I’m not alone.
I don’t know if you’re right about the adoption piece and not being able to have a child (I don’t think you are, though), but here’s the bottom line: no one should pressure you into getting pregnant and giving birth. Period. It’s so tough to tell people that you don’t want to have that experience, or are afraid of that experience–people just don’t get it. But you are NOT alone, and it IS ok. You have to do what YOU feel is right, even if it disappoints some people. You didn’t mislead your husband. And your parents, well, I just have nothing to say on that point. In this instance I can only advise to listen very carefully to your own needs and no one else’s. Pregnancy is a risk–granted, it’s one many many women take and come out of just fine, but that is not the point. The point is it is your choice, and there is no right or wrong choice–except the one you make just to bow to pressure. Good luck!!
I am in full support of families not wanting kids but come on Ashley, after reading your reasons for not wanting to birth children it appears they are all temporary excuses. I wish I could express some tone but I am not wagging my finger at you. I believe though that if you and Tim are to find yourselves in the situation where you guys are pregnant I feel you would accept it and embrace it with little effort. I don’t want to sound as if I know you but as I listed above you could only give temporary excuses. I also had no idea the pressure women are under to have kids. I could understand family members of yours trying to persuade you to have kids cause that is a job of a family is to continue the cycle of your own genes, but nobody else.(except if you blog about it for more than 2 billion people to see lol)I thought after writing out some of my feelings on this I would come to a understanding where I stand on the issue but I’m split. I think it goes against nature and shows how individually minded we have become to put ourselves before the complete human race. Also, people make decisions to smoke, drink excessively, and have horrible diets which kill them at obscenely low ages definitely goes against one of the most rule of nature which is to keep yourself alive and to be healthy. I’m still split, as much as I want to say its your body do as you please I just cannot say it with 100 percent sincerity. In the end, people will not regret things they did in life as much as things they did not do is what is regretted. Its just my attitude of to never leave anything on the table and birthing a child would be leaving something, of epic proportions, on the table. Whatever it is you decide to do I hope you do it the best of your potential. -I hope I did not sound harsh