Do I have to give birth to my baby? (Thoughts on Adoption)
When I tell people that Tim and I don’t necessarily want to have children, I get a lot of mixed responses. Mostly, people ask why which, I’ve come to understand, is maybe a fair question considering Tim and I are both teachers and have chosen to dedicate our lives to educating children. So why not have children of our own? About equally, people tell us, “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll want them someday.” (Don’t worry? I wasn’t worried in the least. Not wanting kids is not like a bad cold or a shortage of money or a breakup to which you might be told “Don’t worry. It’ll get better.” But I digress.) I’m open to changing my mind about this topic – don’t get me wrong - but I’m not counting on it happening.
Occasionally, someone will tell me,”Oh, but you’d be so cute pregnant!” (Yes, because cuteness for nine months is a good reason to alter your life forever) or, “But you’re so good with kids!” (Yes, I am. Again, I’m a teacher. I like little kids, too, especially when I can give them back to their parents. And, honestly, I have never held a baby under 1 year old. Never. Scouts honor. They terrify the crap out of me. Always have.)
People talk about the joy and satisfaction and the you’ll-never-do-anything-greater feeling that is derived from childrearing. People, really, will do anything to persuade you to have children. Which I do not understand. If you’re not ready, wait. If you’re never ready, don’t do it.
However, through all of my tough façade, I really do like kids, and I really do feel like there might come a point in our lives when Tim and I are done traveling and eating out and drinking wine and we’re ready to settle down a little bit and jump on the baby bandwagon. But, to be honest, pregnancy scares the bejesus out of me. I don’t want my body to be a host for another body. I don’t want to have everyone and their mother telling me what I can and can’t do to my body whilst pregnant. I don’t want to be put in a life or death situation where I have to decide between me and the baby. I don’t want to gain weight. I don’t want the pain. I don’t want to have a 6-8 week recovery off of work. I absoultely do not want a C-section because surgery scares me more than anything.
Most of all, I don’t want to have to stop drinking wine. 
Now, Tim and I have talked about adoption as a possibility. There are so many babies out there without homes, and that seems like a really great way to have a baby and not be pregnant. Not to mention, my best friend was adopted and has a wonderful life. Of course, articles like this one about women being pressured to give up their babies for adoption really scare me, too, but I imagine that, (like anything) with some research, we could find an adoption agency that isn’t totally shady.
But when I tell people my thoughts on adoption (or even when I don’t, sometimes these opinions are just offered to me), I’m sometimes told that, no matter what I do, an adopted baby wouldn’t be my baby. Or I’m told that I should have my own baby if I can because I’d want it to look like me or Tim. Or that it’d be fun. Or that pregnancy is worth it to have your own baby.
Or that if I can have my own baby, I should because I don’t know what I’m missing and there are women who desperately want to be pregnant out there that can’t.
I’m not so sure what my ability and desire to be pregnant (if I even have that ability – having never been pregnant, I couldn’t even tell you) has to do with other women’s ability and desire to be pregnant. I’m desperately sorry for women who want to be pregnant more than anything but who can’t. But I’m certainly not going to tell someone who is pregnant and who doesn’t want to be – or someone who isn’t and doesn’t want to be – that they don’t know how lucky they are.
Here’s the thing. For many women, it’s either have a baby or don’t have a baby at all. And that’s fine, if that’s what you want. But don’t tell women with unwanted pregnancies they take pregnancy and childrearing for granted if you’re not willing to adopt a baby that someone else couldn’t take care of for whatever reason. And don’t undermine my desire and ability to adopt just because… well why? Why would you? Because it isn’t my baby? Why isn’t it my baby? If I love and care for and would do anything for that child, why isn’t it my baby?
I usually leave these conversations infuriated and frustrated with nothing to really say in return. It’s a crossing of beliefs, and I’m not going to change anyone’s mind by spouting out statistics about how many babies are waiting to be adopted or how many pregnancies go bad or how many women suffer postpartum depression. But I would like something to say in return other than, “You worry about your family and I’ll worry about mine.” It’s just such an emotional issue – and one that I’m still sorting out in my head - that the snarky comebacks haven’t come to me yet. I’m open to suggestions.
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Ashley, i believe that adoption is a splendid idea. Being raised in Okinawa, Japan, the Philippines and Detroit, there are plenty of homeless children. Being a dude, we take women for granted. My wife had to endure our two children. All the symptoms u mentioned is correct. Us males are lucky. So making the decision to adopt will work well. Or you can work for the peace corp as an alternative. Poverty is all around globally. Peace!
Aniel – Thank you for your support! It’s refreshing to hear support of these ideas.
This is related to the beginning of the post, not the adoption part….
It really annoys me when people talk about my “new” family, now that the baby is here. (As in, “Here’s a picture of the new family!”) I’m sorry, people, but Wesley and I (and our two kitties) were a completely valid family pre-baby. I hate when people imply that you’re not actually a family until you have kids. (I try to refer to us as a “newly-expanded family.”)
Also, you still have 9 months in which I can help you rectify the fact that you’ve never held a baby under 1 year old!
Maria, you read my mind. Tim and I have a family. In fact, we have lots of family. Why do babies legitimize us as a couple?? That’s like royal family circa Edward VIII stuff. Ugh. I like your “newly-expanded family” term, though. I may use that – when referencing other people, of course.
And we are coming your way in the summer! We’ll talk details soon.
Yay!
It will be awesome to see you guys!
“Why is having children the ultimate performance for successful people?” -I Heart Huckabees
I hate the attitude that a woman somehow owes it to the world to bear children. And i agree so strongly with your assertion that pro-lifers should more heavily consider adopting the babies they so want to save. The way i see it, people who don’t have their own children are doing the world a favor; there is an overpopulation problem. There are babies who already exist and need love, and i commend you for considering adoption. But i also encourage you not to feel pressured to raise children. It’s up to you and your husband, and nobody needs to make that monumentally important decision for you.
Or the attitude that a woman somehow owes it to her HUSBAND to have children. That’s the question I get most often – “Well what about if Tim wants kids?” Like… you think we haven’t talked about this major life decision at all?
Thanks for your encouragement.
Oh, Ashley, there are so many responses I have to this, and I say this as the mom of 2 adopted children, as a person whose brother has an adopted daughter, as someone who has a family of cousins entirely comprised of adopted children (4 of them), as a person whose siblings have had children biologically, as step children, or not at all. . . .you get the picture (and you know some of it/them first hand!). So within a certain range I know whereof I speak, and I say, no one has the right to tell you you should bear children, adopt children, abstain from bearing children or from adopting children. It’s your body, your decision. It’s your family, your decision with Tim. Adoption can be a fantastic way to have a family, but it’s not necessarily so. It’s not a decision to be talked into by anyone (nor would they want to be responsible for that, if they knew the heartache it can be). As for adopted kids being yours or not, they are. You love them unqualifiedly. People who think otherwise have no empathetic imagination and have no right to an opinion that you should take seriously as a result. As for snappy comebacks, the only ones that come to mind would involve lowering yourself to the level of those who would be so insensitive as to tell you what to do. So, to a female telling you to bear children: “Wait, before we have this conversation, we need to discuss your having your tubes tied, which obviously you need to do.” For a male doing the same: “Wait, before we have this conversation, we need to discuss your having a vasectomy, which you obviously need to do.” For anyone telling you to have kids by any means: “So are you offering us the $200,000 it will cost to put the baby through college?” You get the idea. Sorry if this is too visceral a response, but you’re an intelligent, thoughtful, caring person, and people need to respect that and respect you. You’ll have a happy life living with decisions you make with Tim about your future.
Dr. O, you just made my day.
I think of you often when I think about adoption, for obvious reasons. If we do make the decision to adopt, you can bet I’ll be calling you for advice… just like in undergrad!
I think the problem is just exactly what you said – there are people who just don’t have any imagination when it comes to family life. And that explains SO MANY problems people have with gay marriage, domestic partnerships, cohabitation, not having children, adoption, divorce, step-children… just to name a few. Some people just can’t think outside of their tiny little boxes, and I feel sorry for them. They will never know the joy that people experience from simply opening up their lives and accepting people into them. It’s so frustrating.
As far as the snappy comebacks, you’re right. I shouldn’t lower myself to their level. I guess I was more referencing when I decided to keep my name and people would give me a lecture about it, I found saying things like, “Well, Tim and I aren’t sure if it’s going to work out, so we figured this would just be easier” just shut them up really quick, and gave us a bit of a giggle.
But you’re right – the best thing I can do is explain my position and hope they come around.
Thanks!
I love, love, love this post; it echoes quite a few of my thoughts. Especially this part: “People, really, will do anything to persuade you to have children. Which I do not understand.” YES. Why?!
Thanks, Steph. I agree – WHY?!
I feel exactly the same way. First of all, it’s my choice. It’s my body. I do what I want. Secondly, a family is a family because you love each other and care for each other, not because of genetic material. And what I do with my body and my family is my business.
And a family isn’t a family because of vows, either. If Tim and I lived together and didn’t get married, he’d be no less my family than he is now!
Amen, sister!
I completely agree. Since going to Honduras several times to do missions work with a church, I’ve seen so many children in malnutrition clinics or AIDS orphanages that desperately need parents. So why, if you desire not to become pregnant, should you not have the opportunity to adopt those kids? That’s just foolishness. You should feel free to adopt if you don’t desire to be pregnant! I wish the best for you and Tim.
I’ve got a video I think you might be interested in embedding and commenting about: http://www.newsy.com/videos/u-k-virginity-tests-more-widespread-than-once-thought/. The videos looks into reports that the UK used virginity tests back in the ‘70s to screen immigrants from entering the country. Initially the UK was punished for their actions, but a new report shows the invasive tests were more frequent than once though.
I hope you can find some use for the video. Let me know if you have any questions. And I hope if ya’ll do adopt one day, you can have peace and joy in that adoption.
The only real perk of having a disease that affects fertility is that when people ask me when I’m going to start breeding, I get to say “I may not be able to have children.” That puts an end to the conversation right away.
And the more research I do about fertility issues, the more I think that anyone can answer the question that way. Because that’s just it: being able to conceive and carry a baby to term are not givens for anyone, so people shouldn’t go around pretending they are!
I only encourage you to research the hell out of any agency that you consider (which also means avoiding facilitators and solo-working attorneys). Ethical adoption is possible, but it’s also difficult and frustrating as it’s still not common place.
There are fantastic blogs out there by adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents that you need to be reading now, way before contacting any agency.
I am 100% for adoption. Yes, there are horror stories of adoptions gone wrong (like that one family putting the kid on the plane back to Russia), but I have a feeling there are more good stories than bad.
I know many couples who have adopted and that is their child. Doesn’t matter if they are white and the child is black… it is their child. You don’t have to give birth to a child to love it and care for it. You as a teacher care for your children… why wouldn’t you love a child that you bring into your home?
I plan on adopting some day as a single mother (if I don’t meet Mr. Right between then and now). I have so much to give as a mother and there are plenty of children who need a mother. Like everyone else, I suggest heavy research into adoption and agencies. Talk with people who have adopted. Hit the library and the book stores for books on adoption. Surf the web. A great starter site is the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.
I think with proper research on all fronts, you and your husband will be able to decide if adoption is truly right for you.
I know you wrote this back in May, but I just found it, and I wanted to say that it feels so good knowing there is someone out there with my same thoughts and dilemma. Once I got married the questions started rolling in from every single person I know, “Is she pregnant yet?” LITERALLY every single person, and non-stop pressure. Like I have no choice in the matter, like because I’m female I HAVE to give birth, and if my husband wants a baby I have to be submissive, and adoption is only an option if I can’t conceive. Some women honestly want to have kids and raise a family, but I am extremely terrified of pregnancy and giving birth. I hyperventilate, get nauseous and cry for hours just thinking about some of preganancy and labor’s highlights. Which is something my husband knew before marrying me, but obviously he didn’t believe me or thought I would change my mind, and now he does not want to adopt because he doesn’t think it will be “ours,” even though he sees the love between me and my parents and I’M adopted! I desperately wanted to carry on a sort of tradition by adopting with him, but even my parents, who adopted me because they couldn’t conceive, think I should try on my own first, despite my extreme fear. I think that because I’m adopted I know all about what’s it’s like, and would be very able to raise an adopted child. But people tell me that in order to adopt through an agency you need to prove you cannot have children of your own. I don’t want to believe this is true, but I can’t find any information about it online, and I don’t want to contact an agency until I’m ready. Anyway, I think I might be babbling, so I’ll let it go. Thanks so much for sharing this personal topic! It made me feel better to know I’m not alone.
I don’t know if you’re right about the adoption piece and not being able to have a child (I don’t think you are, though), but here’s the bottom line: no one should pressure you into getting pregnant and giving birth. Period. It’s so tough to tell people that you don’t want to have that experience, or are afraid of that experience–people just don’t get it. But you are NOT alone, and it IS ok. You have to do what YOU feel is right, even if it disappoints some people. You didn’t mislead your husband. And your parents, well, I just have nothing to say on that point. In this instance I can only advise to listen very carefully to your own needs and no one else’s. Pregnancy is a risk–granted, it’s one many many women take and come out of just fine, but that is not the point. The point is it is your choice, and there is no right or wrong choice–except the one you make just to bow to pressure. Good luck!!
I am in full support of families not wanting kids but come on Ashley, after reading your reasons for not wanting to birth children it appears they are all temporary excuses. I wish I could express some tone but I am not wagging my finger at you. I believe though that if you and Tim are to find yourselves in the situation where you guys are pregnant I feel you would accept it and embrace it with little effort. I don’t want to sound as if I know you but as I listed above you could only give temporary excuses. I also had no idea the pressure women are under to have kids. I could understand family members of yours trying to persuade you to have kids cause that is a job of a family is to continue the cycle of your own genes, but nobody else.(except if you blog about it for more than 2 billion people to see lol)I thought after writing out some of my feelings on this I would come to a understanding where I stand on the issue but I’m split. I think it goes against nature and shows how individually minded we have become to put ourselves before the complete human race. Also, people make decisions to smoke, drink excessively, and have horrible diets which kill them at obscenely low ages definitely goes against one of the most rule of nature which is to keep yourself alive and to be healthy. I’m still split, as much as I want to say its your body do as you please I just cannot say it with 100 percent sincerity. In the end, people will not regret things they did in life as much as things they did not do is what is regretted. Its just my attitude of to never leave anything on the table and birthing a child would be leaving something, of epic proportions, on the table. Whatever it is you decide to do I hope you do it the best of your potential. -I hope I did not sound harsh
Or if like me Diabetic and been flat out told id damage my eyes including vision as ive had retinopahty and kidney failure as on permanent blood pressure pills to try to stop the damage even more (protinuria) So for me its because if i adopt my body wont fail on me and i wont go blind or have kidney failure. Ill live longer and will be able to see the child not be disabled. But still get some wise cracks. I didnt ever meet a man in the end. And now im 31 im googling how to adopt. And i really hope you dont need to proove it. Could be hard to explain over and over without getting tired of it.
I had all those ideas just like yourself before I got married and preg after. But now that I look back I would never change the fact that my baby is going to be here in just 2 more months. Sometimes you have one idea about something but after it happens to you, you don’t think the same. I wouldn’t go back in time to change anything in my life. People change and circumstances changes the way we think. Is like growing up: You liked pink now you like black, you liked dolls now you don’t, you wanted to be a singer now you want another career, you used to see guys as buddies now you want to date them. You we all change at one point of another. I just think all you have are “DUMP EXCUSES” because that’s all they are. You don’t have a real reason of why not to have kids. I am sorry but I think you are away too selfish and ignorant. I believe you don’t feel good about yourself and having a child will make you feel worse. Having kids isn’t that bad. I am actually scared to death to give birth but, who isn’t? Is nice to adopt kids that deserve a “home” but it doesn’t matter how many kids you adopt they will never be the same was giving birth to your “own” child. I think you should give yourself some time and don’t feel pressure to have kids because in the end of the day your are the one going home with them while the rest of the world won’t help you. So, every time someone tells you to have kids just tell them: if your give birth to them, pay for them, take care of them, breast feed them, pay for their college and give them support “$” sure let’s have them! I think all of you who have unrealistic ideas about kids just get more info and educate yourself more.
“Why is this world full of ignorants? Because they have lack of info”
Have a good night everyone!!
I just think all you have are “DUMP EXCUSES” because that’s all they are. You don’t have a real reason of why not to have kids. I am sorry but I think you are away too selfish and ignorant.
Well, Kate, I’m going to assume you are talking about “dumb” excuses, not “dump” ones. All I have to say about this is that there are a lot of reasons not to have kids, and none of them are dumb. What’s dumb is having a kid before you are ready. I’m not ready, and no amount of people calling me “dumb” will make me ready. This is not to say that having a kid is dumb – far from it. If you’re ready and you’ve decided that’s what you want, go for it.
Furthermore, assuming I CAN even have kids (as I haven’t yet tried, I don’t even know if it’s biologically possible), an adopted kid would be no less my child than a biologically born child. My best friend in the world was adopted, and I have many, many friends who have adopted children and they are absolutely family – sometimes even more so than biologically born children because these kids are so desperately wanted.
Let’s not judge, ok? Family is family, and blood has nothing to do with it.
Kate – your response is full of ignorance: “Is nice to adopt kids that deserve a “home” but it doesn’t matter how many kids you adopt they will never be the same was giving birth to your “own” child.” I couldn’t disagree with you more. My brother was adopted. Blood doesn’t make you family. Love, that special bond, makes you one. I don’t think of my brother as different or adopted. I couldn’t be more proud or love him any more than I already do. My parents love him just as much as they love me, he was very much wanted. People like you are selfish and ignorant … don’t call other people out on issues you don’t agree with … especially when your heart is so small. Educate yourself more … you are clearly lacking information.
When it comes to bringing a new person to the family it does not make a difference from where that person comes from even if is not blood related. But giving birth to my daughter did make me see the difference of having someone growing inside you for 9 months and having someone in your arm already born. The difference is huge but those people who never had kids would never understand. Having a special something growing inside you made from your and your partner’s DNA is a very emotional experience that an adopt child cannot give you. I am really happy when someone adopts a child because I do believe that everyone needs a chance to grow in a good environment regardless of where they come from. What I try to explain is that giving birth to someone that was MADE inside you is an experience your adopt child did not give you. I will love an adopt child as much as I love my daughter but having my own child was the best blessing my body has given me. I am not trying to say that adopting is bad but we cannot compare the two because every experience comes with something special.
Ashley,
I stumbled upon your blog because my husband and I have been entertaining foster and adoption to bring a child into our home. First off, I must warn the others out there who disagree with you…………I DO NOT want to give birth to my own children. I have never been given the desire to do so. I LOVE children and even majored in Early Childhood Development! Just because I do not want to give LIVE birth to a child makes me no less of a woman, wife or (eventually, maybe) mother. If I want to adopt a child, why should I be judged?? Over the entire world there are MILLIONS of orphans with NO ONE to love them and I cannot see myself bringing another mouth to feed into this world. Why not do the SELFLESS thing and adopt?
I’d also like to add, my husband and I are both Christians, so you can only imagine the absolute horror on the faces of people we know we we say “we don’t want to have kids.” “What???? Isn’t that going against God and the Bible?” As a matter of fact, it isn’t. Jesus requests for believers to take care of the fatherless and the widows. Not to get religious on anyone, but I am making a point.
I’m just like you. I have no idea if I can even give birth to my own children anyway and I am afraid I already know the answer. It is no. My mother had extreme issues in carrying a child to term, and, on her third try, she finally had me.
I find it very discouraging for people to tell you that your choices are unfounded or “DUMP”. If you want to adopt rather than give birth to your own children, go right ahead!! I think that it is VERY noble that you want to adopt. If I only loved people that were “blood” relatives of mine, I wouldn’t love many people in this world! I would not love my husband, best friend or any of my other friends. Being related to someone by blood has nothing to do with love and giving birth to a child doesn’t mean that you will love them, either. Many women give birth to children every day and lack a maternal instinct to love and care for a baby. In all honesty, my mother was one of those people and her mother was the same way with her.
I know I went off on my soapbox, but it makes me so angry when people refuse to look at things from another person’s perspective.
Thank you for posting this blog posting wayyyyyyyyyyy back in 2011. It was something I really needed to read today and helped me realize that adoption is okay. I also love that you are “creative” when it comes to family life. I just wish more people were like you.
And, hey, you and I might not have anything else in common, but please know that someone out there is in the same boat you are.
Things like marriage and giving birth make sense in hunter-gatherer societies but not in the post-modern world. I live in one of the most developed, wealthiest cities in the world. For me, the only reason to have my own child would be arrogance: wanting to continue my bloodline, which is actually not dissimilar to wanting to upload the mundane details of your daily activities on Facebook. No one else really cares (unless you’re Kate Middleton) but if you don’t have a Facebook account you’re an outcast just like if you don’t have your own child. There are so many stray cats and dogs in need of a good home but some people still insist on buying a pure breed. If we truly love and care for our fellow man or woman or animal, it simply does not make sense ethically or economically not to adopt a child or animal in need. That is simply how I feel about the issue. I understand that other people make different decisions based on other logic or beliefs. I’m fine with that as long as they don’t dictate to me how I should feel or act. Thank you for your interesting blog!
I’m 32 and *almost* certain I don’t want children. Most certain I don’t want them any time soon. If I ever choose to have a child, I will adopt one. And no, I don’t hate children. I quite like them. But just like you, I like returning them back to their parents!
For some reason I notice these thoughts offend people. I never start this subject by myself, the answer is usually extracted from me like a bad tooth.
I have come to realisation why the choice not to have biological children is considered so offensive. It’s a slap in the face of a status quo. It’s saying “no thank you” to what 99,99% of people consider to be the meaning of life without thinking twice about it. We are all raised to believe what kind of life is “the right kind”. We are told that the ultimate act of being human is procreation. So how dare we reject something so natural and unquestionable? As if it is out of arrogance of lack of knowledge that a person chooses not to procreate. How dare we give an illusion of choice in this matter, when it is quite clear that happiness equals family and family equals biological babies? How dare we assert there are other ways to be happy, fulfilled and successful? This is an idea that raises so many questions, including sociological kind, and it threatens with confusion where once everything was unquestionable, safe and sure… I feel like being child-free is like being pro gay marriage. I’m sure someone here will sooner or later share with us a quote from the bible that proves just how wrong we are to go against god’s will. 
Good luck to you and your husband regardless of what choice you make in the future. Choose happiness whatever that means to you.
What did you end up deciding? I’m going through this right now. I know I want to be a mother but I’m not sure I really want to be a mother of a baby.
Unfortunately, I haven’t decided anything yet. We know we want at least one kid for sure, but we also don’t know when that will be, or how. I will update in a new post, soon, so be sure to check back or subscribe.
Finding this blog was totally random, but I am so glad that I did. Hubby and I are trying to decide if we will move straight to adoption or try for a genetic child. Nice to see that we are not the only people facing this dilemma. Thank you!!