A Feminist Wife: Things I’ve Learned from Marriage So Far
This could just as easily have been titled “Things I’ve learned From the First Five Months of Cohabitation”. The marriage and the cohabitation really do blend together. I know it’s only 2 months into my wedded bliss, but it’s a steep learning curve. So, since I know some of you are right there with me, here’s a smattering of things I’ve learned so far.
- Sometimes you just have to go to bed angry. And to work. And to your in-laws’. And to the mall. Everyone at your wedding spouts out these platitudes about the “not going to bed angry” bit being the best advice they’ve ever gotten. But some problems just can’t be solved in a day or an hour or whatever time you have left before someone has to go somewhere. And staying up until 3:00 AM trying to figure out a solution to a problem or trying to get to a place where you’re not angry anymore never helped anyone. Often, it just clouds the situation with exhaustion and makes you even angrier the next day because you didn’t get any sleep. So go ahead and go to bed angry. Chances are you’ll both wake up in the morning better equipped to deal with the situation at hand.
- Dance classes are a lot like couple’s therapy. Really, this applies to anything fun you do as a couple. You go there, hash out your issues, laugh a bit, forget what the problems were in the first place (if there were any at the time), and go home happier and closer.
- Eating together is a must. Every day. At least once. Seriously. Eat breakfast together if you can and your day will start out better. Eat dinner together if you can and you’re crappy day will feel a lot better. Family dinners are important for conversation, and conversation is important to any partnership. Just make sure you both share the responsibilities of cooking and cleaning up afterwards.
- Don’t let anyone tell you that just because you don’t have children or aren’t married that you aren’t a family. You are a family, and you are each other’s family. And that is just as important as any children or wedding or whatever. It’s about love, not numbers of people present or ceremonies.
- Go on dates. It doesn’t matter what kind of dates or what you wear or how much it costs, but no matter how much time you spend together at home, you need to spend time together outside of your home, too. Just grabbing a sandwich at Panera without bringing it back home to eat it is a good thing. You have different conversations with people in different settings, and you can focus on other things besides your house when you’re not sitting there staring at it.
- Talk. I always knew this one was important, but I didn’t know just how important. If you have an issue, just say something. Don’t hold it in. Your partner can help, and probably wants to, but he or she can’t help if you don’t talk about it in the first place.
This list is a work in progress, but it’s what I’ve got so far. What about you, readers? Any nuggets of wisdom I should have included here?
Spend time with other people, either as a couple or apart. Not only is this fun and nurturing to do, it can also be a really good contrast to remind you of exactly what you love about your partner. In the best possible way, of course! Instead of being stuck in the routine of work and working to service your working hours at home, and everything being about this, seeing your partner in another context with other people helps you to see them with fresh eyes.
We’ve also found that hearing each other talk about our individual struggles with a group of good friends can give us information and insight that did not emerge in our private conversations at home.
Yes, Jo! You are absolutely right!! I can’t believe I forgot that. Spending time with other people is SO IMPORTANT! You can’t live in a vacuum, especially when you’re in a serious relationship.
Going to be angry is so important! You’re so right, fighting when angry and tired or after a few glasses of wine is the worst, nothing ever gets solved. I + me have made a deal to never sleep apart when we’re fighting, too – it’s hard to remain angry in the morning when you’ve inadvertently cuddled up to the person you’re pissed at 🙂