Doubts, Change, and the Cherry on Top
One year ago today (well, yesterday by the time this hits the internets), Tim proposed to me.
Do you know what he said to me with that ring in his hand, on his knee? He said: “Will you do me the honor of becoming Ms. Ashley Lauren?” 1
It was the most magical moment of my life. Thus far.
And now everyone thinks that we’re so happy just living together and putting the cherry on top of the wedding plans and getting matching china. And a lot of that is true, but those issues cohabiting couples have when they first move in together? Yea, that’s happening here, too! We spend a lot of time hashing out things that make us so irritated that we could rip each others’ faces off. Gruesome? Yes. But I bet most of you have been there. 🙂
You know, a good friend asked me a little while back if I was absolutely sure that getting married to Tim is the right decision. I think you can all probably tell by now that I want to be married to Tim, that I cannot wait for this marriage to begin taking shape. But, let’s be honest here. There are always going to be other choices out there that I could have taken. Even if this feels more right than anything I could be doing right now – and it does – there will always be other paths I could have taken. Do I sometimes think about the other choices I could have made in life? The simple answer is: Yes. The more nuanced, and therefore more accurate, answer would be: Like all good things in life, I chose this path in favor of another and, as with any path, there will be ups and downs. And, honestly, sometimes it is really difficult sitting on this side of forever, knowing that we will have bad days, maybe even bad years, and wondering how we will get through it without all of the tears and screaming and puffy eyes and storming out. But then, just when I’m sitting on the cusp of overwhelmed hyperventilation, I realize that, even after the bad days or bad weeks or bad years or whatever, we will still have issues to work out, but we will also (hopefully) still be together. One fight isn’t going to break us up like it could have when our relationship was just budding. One bad year is nothing we can’t get through together.
I’m over-simplifying this, I know. But just to have a sense that, whatever we are facing, we can at least talk it over and work through it together, that is really empowering. It frees us up to be better people, and it frees me up to be a better feminist. I know there’s a lot of push and pull from feminists about relationships, and that was part of the reason I wanted to start this series – to show that every feminist tackles her or his relationship differently, and that’s part of what being a feminist is all about. I find it sort of unfortunate that being an independent woman in this century often means we feel we need to choose between a relationship and our independence, and I don’t think that’s necessarily the case if you’re in the right relationship. Personally, I feel myself growing and sort of coming into myself every day more so now than when I was single. I really am becoming Ms. Ashley Lauren, if you will. I know that won’t always be the case, and for every two steps forward I may take a step back at some point, but hey. That’s life! Single or not, everything cannot be 100% our way or the highway every single time, and it’s all a growing process. Change is inevitable, whether you’re changing your name or your living situation or your marital status, or even just your clothes when you crawl into bed at night. It is being adaptable to change that makes us human, women, and alive. And here I am: Changing, yes, which can be intensely difficult, but also making a lot of personal progress in spite of the tears and the doubts and the screaming and the puffy eyes. Or maybe I’m making a lot of personal progress because of the tears and doubts and screaming and puffy eyes. Maybe now that I’m free to hash out these relationship issues with the one I love, I am also free to hash out other issues as well. I truly do not know, but I do know that whatever is going on, it seems to be working more than it fails.
If you came to this post looking for answers, you probably didn’t find any. That’s because I don’t have any. I’m not going to pretend to know anything more about relationships than any of you. But I do know that, most of the time, I do feel really happy. And when I don’t feel all that happy, I know that this, too, shall pass, and in the end of it all, I will be loved. And that really is all you need.
- Except he used my real last name here, but I don’t type that out on the internet. Get it, though? I’ll become the woman I always was with the name I always had when I marry him? I know. So sweet. ↩
As I count down the days to our one-year anniversary, this post left me a bit teary–and humbled: my career is about the same age as my marriage, and when I reflect on the last year, I’m a bit chastened at how much of time, effort, anguish, triumph, reading, thinking, and growing I’ve put into and gotten out of one instead of the other. I’m not sure we’re ever really content with the balance of things–but mine needs to be revamped a bit (in favor of the personal).
It’s giving me lots to think about and look forward to in the year(s) to come.
This is beautiful, Ashley. I am also tearing up a little. Marriage is great and hard (so I hear…), but there’s something to be said for knowing that, whatever life throws at you, you can figure it out together.
It helped me to read this part: “Changing, yes, which can be intensely difficult, but also making a lot of personal progress in spite of the tears and the doubts and the screaming and the puffy eyes. Or maybe I’m making a lot of personal progress because of the tears and doubts and screaming and puffy eyes. Maybe now that I’m free to hash out these relationship issues with the one I love, I am also free to hash out other issues as well.”
At the moment, my relationship seems to either over or in a very rocky position (we’ve taken a “break” before and come back stronger from it… but I’m not so certain we’ll come back from this one). But its true– sometimes there are phases in life where you have to struggle and cry and actually deal with the reality of your situation. I’ve found that from every crisis I’ve had, whether on my own or with a boyfriend, I’ve grown from the experience.
Sometimes when I read your blog, I feel like you’ve been peeking in my windows! Your words resonate with my life experience, and you always manage to put it much more eloquently than I could.
As Jon and I settle into our marriage, (2 years strong!) I find more and more that I appreciate having a partner to share my days with. In fact, I may not have taken some big life risks without his gentle encouragement. While I don’t doubt that I’d be taking on challenges independent from Jon, it’s great to have somebody who really *knows* me and can point out my worries and fears about a situation before I have time to realize what they are.
Are there challenges to married life? Yes! Are the changes extremely difficult at times? Absolutely! But, like you, there’s no path in life I’d rather take.