A Feminist Wife
“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.” – Lady Gaga (h/t mmmfeminism)
“I’m not much for the 9 to 5. I’m not much for the rules and frustrations of the working world, and for the endless willingness to bend your will and sell your soul that comes with a paycheck. I simply don’t work like that. But I excel at counsel, compassion, cleanliness, and mowing the lawn. Since I met my husband, we fell into rather traditional roles. Not because we had to but because that is the people that we are and it works for us. Surprisingly, I found that it doesn’t make us old fashioned or conformists, it makes us simply who we are and, honestly, my wild heart could use a little taming …” – Cindy
This post has been rumbling around in my head for a long time – since at least June 15 when Cindy’s post appeared on A Practical Wedding (which is, in my humble opinion, probably the best wedding blog around and has kept me going through all of the wedding planning experience). Perhaps it has been pushed to the front of my brain because of my new living situation – Tim and I just moved in together on July 1, and the realization that this truly is a sneak-peek of what the foreseeable future of my life will look like. And it looks a lot like “being a wife” in the stereotypically traditional sense of the phrase. It’s like the cleaning and the laundry and the picking up messes and the grocery shopping and the cooking and the paying bills and the home improvement projects never end. It’s summer! I should have the time I’ve so desperately craved to work on my blogging and my tan and knock of a few more books on that never-ending reading list!
I cannot see the rest of my life being like this. Once school starts, there will be even less time for reading, writing, and recreation. Will I just be constantly working and wife-ing with no time for much else? I look at this routine now, during the summer, and I think: I couldn’t possibly be the kind of wife that Cindy describes herself as being. I’m not the type of person who can sit in the house all day, which is why I never pursued a career as a writer. It may be because I love my job, but I love the routine of the 9 to 5 (well, in my case, it’s the 7:30-3:30), and I love the time it affords me to be in a different world for a while and think in entirely new ways. Don’t get me wrong; I am obsessively organized and, as such, I do like cleaning; I also really love cooking (but hate doing the dishes), but I couldn’t do these things full-time. I could really only do them as they fit in to my schedule.
I know being a wife is more than cooking and cleaning and supporting a husband – or is it? Traditionally, this is how the wife role has been viewed, which is why it doesn’t surprise me when feminists reject the tradition of marriage. And, honestly, isn’t that how the wife role still plays out? Women can be many things; in my life, I am a teacher, a daughter, an activist, a writer, a thinker, and I will soon be a wife. But in that wife role, is there room for anything other than supporting your husband? (And in the husband role, is there room for anything other than supporting your wife?) Sure, I go to school and teach teenagers about English and I sit in front of my computer and write blog posts and I sign petitions and donate money, but those things do not fall under my role of wife.
But if Tim and I just decided to live together as partners and spend our lives together that way, would our roles be any different? Other than stripping ourselves of titles that have historically held patriarchal connotations, the roles of supporting each other are still the same. And, let’s face it. Wife or not, the cooking and cleaning still need to get done! These things aren’t so much the role of wife as they are just life.
But, hey, Lady Gaga. You’re right. My career could never stop loving me and break my heart like Tim could. Probably because it never really loved me in the first place. I need my career and I need Tim, but I’d trade all the jobs in the world for the love we share. Maybe that’s following a man more than following my dreams, but true partnership happens when my dreams become his and his mine, and we follow them together. And that, my friends, is how I will be a feminist wife.
That last paragraph is very sweet. 🙂
The question that jumps out at me is…how many of these chores is he doing? If it’s not 50/50, before the wedding would be a good time to have that talk.
Haha, fair enough! I’d say it’s about 50/50. We have an apartment, so all of the chores truly do fall under the housework category – not that that’s really relevant at all, but it does mean there’s less to do. But for us it’s really about who has time for what. If I’m particularly swamped or stressed out, he’ll take care of the chores. Likewise, if he’s feeling the crunch, I’ll do it. We’re both teachers with similar schedules, so it works out that we’re each doing about half of the work. It may not be exactly 50/50, but it is fair and supportive.
I love that my husband tweeted me over here.
You answered your own question. What does it mean to be a wife? One doesn’t have to get married to be a Cindy. Tony & I lived together for 6 years before getting married and I don’t think much changed after the “I dos.” Things changed a bit after the kid was born. Tony took over the bills while I was pregnant and well, 7 years later, he’s still doing it. I guess we should move into some sort of “shared bill writing” system, but hey *shrug*
I say as long as you don’t put your dreams on hold for Tim, then you’re doing just fine.
I came into our marriage several years behind my wife on the “professional track.” Since we work in the schools, Tracy more than likely will perpetually have the major and foundation salary in our lives. I was the one who stayed at home with our first daughter. I feel much more comfortable doing many of the “nurturing” things, and am SO anal-retentive about laundry (blame my home-ec teacher mother) that Tracy just needs to put the clothing down and step away slowly. I also have artistic pursuits that bring NO money into the house but take a great deal of time and energy away from the home. This often leaves Tracy periods where she is providing the lion’s share of the “household duties” as well as her own professional responsibilities. Her sacrifice me allows me to be complete in ways a salary couldn’t offer. It must also be mentioned that Tracy is a fantastic cook and prides herself, rightfully so, on creating delicious, nutritious, adventurous and beautiful meals nearly nightly. There is no “traditional” model that completely defines us. Roles are defined by circumstance and necessity. They are propagated and reinforced by the artificial layer of culture. Yet, even culture evolves.
Love that last paragraph. My sentiments exactly. 😉