Category Archives: Marriage Rights

A Reflection On My Choices

OK, so I just said I was extremely privileged in my relationship/marriage/wedding-planning.  Why, then, did I decide to get married, since I do feel very strongly about marriage equality and not everyone has the right to get legally married at this point in time?  Why, too, did I decide to have a big, white wedding, since I abhor patriarchal symbolism and, really, what else is a wedding but a whole bunch of patriarchal symbolism wrapped up in a big party?

(You all might not be curious about these things.  But I want to write about them, and this is my blog.  So there! ;) )

The easy answer to both of those questions, and the one completely ignorant of my privilege, is simply: I don’t know.  Part of me would like to play the it-all-happened-so-fast-and-felt-like-the-right-thing-to-do card and call it a day, but that isn’t really true.  I’ve been thinking of ways to subvert the patriarchal stereotypes of weddings since I was in 7th grade an announced that I wanted to have a green wedding dress (ironically, one that looked EXACTLY like this in my 13-year-old brain.  Don’t believe me? Ask any of my best friends; they’ll tell you this is no joke, although they probably thought it was at the time).  Then again, when I was in undergrad, I announced – along with many of my other liberal-minded friends, that I didn’t really want to get married and that simply cohabiting would be perfect for me.  Perhaps surprisingly, my sentiments echoed this post that so upset me rather strongly.  It wasn’t until just before Tim proposed – when I had a strong sense that it was coming soon – that I seriously started thinking about my wedding.  Our wedding.  Because it wasn’t just about me anymore.  And, honestly, the preliminary thoughts resembled more of a backyard BBQ than the big, white, soiree we are in the midst of planning right now.

So what changed?  Let’s tackle the wedding part of this question first, since that seems easiest to explain.  Quite simply, the decision to go for the big party stemmed from the fact that we just couldn’t cut the guest list down to the size of a backyard BBQ.  We wanted everyone who meant something to us to be there!  (Well, almost everyone.  Guest lists really are horrible and awkward beasts when it comes right down to it.)  Coming from rather large families and having a bunch of good friends, this shot the guest list up to soiree-sized in no time.  Why go for the white dress instead of the green, you ask?  Well, I grew out of the I <3 everything Renaissance a while ago and, besides, was there a time period during which women were more oppressed than the Renaissance?!  So why not at least have a modern dress that shows some skin… because, right now, I can.  And why white?  The answer is easy: I fell in love with the 6th dress I tried on.  If I didn’t, I may have looked at different colors and options, but I did, and I still love it every time I look at it.  And if there’s one day in your life to have the dress you love, it should be your wedding day.

Now, you can argue that I was socialized to love the white dress and that if the media wasn’t so white-dress-bridal-gown heavy that I wouldn’t have made that decision.  That may be true, but the fact of the matter is, I fell in love with the dress.  I love the way it makes me look and the way it makes me feel, so I got it.  That’s pretty much all there is to it.  I know, I know, you can’t just ignore patriarchal symbolism that has existed for centuries surrounding the white dress as a symbol of blah blah blah… Actually, yes I can.  How can you change stereotypes without turning them inside out and making them your own, all the while showing everyone else how it’s done?  Our wedding is going to be one great big party, not a political statement.  And trust me, we’re not doing anything we’re really uncomfortable with (ahem… garter toss…) and we are doing quite a bit to subtly subvert the traditions and stereotypes surrounding weddings.  (I’ll write more about that later, as the day approaches.)

Next up: Why marriage?  Why enter willingly into this patriarchal institution that has been a form of ownership since… always?  Why not wait until everyone has the same rights as a sort of protest against the government?

These are good questions, and I’m surprised no one has called me out on this before, because I fear I don’t have a good answer.  But I’ll do my best.

I chose marriage because I believe in marriage and, more importantly, partnership. I believe that a strong and supportive marriage can not only make two separate lives feel whole, but can serve as an example of grace and love and strength and social consciousness and devotion and individuality and support.  You may say that I don’t need a piece of paper to have these things; lots of people do it without the legal aspect – lots of people can’t even have that legal aspect.  To which I say: you’re right.  I don’t need a piece of paper to say that I love Tim and he loves me and we’ll be together through it all.  But I am the type of person who needs milestones to mark off different points of my life – birthdays, new jobs, the beginning of each school year… a ceremony.  Hence, the wedding.  Could we have a ceremony without the legal paper signing?  Sure.  But I’m honestly just not sure what difference it would make.

I believe that everyone in this world has a right to love and decide to spend their lives with whomever they choose, and I believe that strongly.  I am privileged in this respect; I can decide to do that and then do it.  Many of my friends, students, people I respect and care for deeply do not have that right.  However – and this may just show how deep my privilege runs – I just do not understand not getting married as a protest.  For one thing, as an unmarried couple living together, you’re actually paying the government more money in taxes.  For another thing, it just doesn’t seem like a very effective protest.  I mean, show me an effective protest, a petition, a march on the streets, a school demonstration, a boycott and I’m there.  But this doesn’t seem very organized; it just seems like a smattering of people saying they won’t get married until everyone can.  So, instead, we’ve chosen to work together through our marriage to fight for marriage equality and against oppression.  You might say this is me justifying my selfishness and my privilege, and that’s fair.  But if that’s what you’re going to say, please explain how this type of protest is effective because I really don’t see it.  I’ve looked for explanations and asked around, but I simply can’t find something comprehensive on this topic.

As far as entering willingly into this patriarchal institution that has traditionally been another form of ownership, and not being able to ignore centuries of oppression in the form of marriage etc., etc., I refer you to my response to a similar argument about my white dress: How can you change stereotypes without turning them inside out and making them your own, all the while showing everyone else how it’s done?  My wedding may not be an overtly political statement, but my marriage will.  We’re really excited about getting married and showing the world what an equitable marriage and supportive partnership looks like.  We’re excited to make a difference hand-in-hand.  We’re excited to take on the world.

And, frankly, finding not only the person who makes me deliriously happy, shout-off-the-rooftops in love and who respects me, and is ready to fight to make a difference with me is reason enough for a wedding, a marriage, and a lifetime.

This post is part of an ongoing series about feminism and relationships.  Have something to say?  Submit a guest post to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com!  And, of course, you can always comment here!

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Privilege and Weddings and Marriage

I am privileged.  Extremely privileged.  And there seems no better way than planning a wedding to remind me of this.  All.  The.  Time.

I am a heterosexual, cis female so I can actually plan a wedding and get legally married in the state of Illinois when so many others can’t.

I am white, thin, young, and able bodied, so when I look at wedding magazines and blogs, I see women who resemble myself and it isn’t hard for me to see myself in the clothes, dresses, shoes, accessories, etc. that the women are wearing in these magazines.

I am economically privileged, and so is my fiance and our families.  We may not be the best off in the world, but Tim and I both have jobs, and so do all of our parents.  So, when we see things in these magazines and catalogues that we want for our wedding, we do have to stay in budget, but we can have that big party with all of our friends and family without worrying about it too much.

I have the support of my family and friends while entering into this marriage.  I also have the privilege to be able to discuss whether or not to change my name or whether or not to have children as private matters with my fiance, and I will have the support of him and our family and friends in whatever decision we make.

There is probably, unfortunately, a small minority of people out there, of which I am a part, who actually do think about these privileges every time we enter a bridal store or open a wedding magazine or read a wedding blog or, heck, write about feminism and relationships.  But I do believe that the number of people who consider their privileges while planning a wedding or negotiating a relationship is growing; look at all of the wonderful feedback and guest posts I’m receiving on this blog for example.  There are smart, interesting, progressive people out there with lots of things to say about relationships – from weddings to marriage to cohabitation to dating and every variant thereof… and more.  And it seems evident to me that these people are examining at least some of their privileges as they examine their relationships.  Maybe it isn’t overtly stated (as it isn’t with many of my personal posts about relationships and weddings and marriage), but I think the very nature of examining relationships under a feminist lens leads to examining privilege within those relationships as well.  At least, I hope so.  And that is what I’ve been trying to flesh out a bit with this series.

I also think that one important aspect of feminism is, obviously, equality and, moreso in terms of relationships, equity (I’ll do the laundry if I have time, and Tim will do it if he has time.  Is it always equal?  No.  But it is equitable.).  And, as bell hooks often posited, the best place to start examining and changing sexism is in the home, since that is often our first experience with a patriarchal power dynamic.  Maybe I’m one of the few people that believe that we really can fell big oaks with small strokes, but what better way to change the world than by examining our own relationships and putting forth an ideal of equality and equity within the home for our children, who then will hopefully grow up to do the same?

That all said, I hope those who have looked at this series with skepticism, thinking “Oh here’s another privileged girl adding to the wedding craze” or “We could be doing such better things with our time than talking about relationships and weddings” now have a better understanding of my rationale behind starting the series, and keeping it going – and it is still going!  And I don’t discriminate in the posts I publish in this series, so as long as you follow my guidelines, I’m happy to publish posts with different perspectives.  In fact, that’s the idea here – I want to publish posts with different perspectives!  So send them my way!  Hopefully, with lots of posts, we can all start examining our privileges and relationships with a new point of view.

This post is part of an ongoing series about feminism and relationships.  Have something to say?  Submit a guest post to samsanator(at)gmail(dot)com!  And, of course, you can always comment here!

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Name Changes and Privilege

Yesterday, Emily from Gender Across Borders graciously allowed me to cross post her article about changing her name for my series about feminism and relationships.  You all, gentle readers, were very nice in the comments over here.  Emily wasn’t so lucky with her commenters over at GAB.  (Check out the comments here.)  And, while I normally would not take the time to write a full-out post inspired by commenters, I do feel that this issue needs a little more attention.

Let’s be clear before we go any further: I have written before about how I’ve decided not to change my name when I get married.  But – and this probably won’t surprise you – I’m not one of those feminists who thinks that any woman who does change her name is reversing decades of feminist activism.

There are people out there, though, who do believe that women should absolutely never ever change their names – apparently for any reason whatsoever.  And some of those views were reflected in the comments on Emily’s GAB post yesterday.

Honestly, deciding to change one’s name isn’t just about “the feminist choice” versus “the traditional choice.”  People change their names for a multitude of reasons, not just because they’re getting married.  And those reasons, no matter what they are, are almost always intensely personal.  To say that one should use that personal choice to make a larger, political statement because it would be “perverse” (taken from the comments of the original article) not to is, simply, ignorant of any variants of the man-and-woman-getting-married scenario.

Sure, you could argue that anyone has the choice to change one’s name, but what happens when real life kicks in and that option isn’t really viable anymore?  What about someone like the woman who sat next to me in my grad class who couldn’t get a job and felt she had to change her surname to her middle name to avoid racial discrimination?  What about any of the instances in this Tumblr discussion, which I’m linking to because I don’t think I could ever say it any better.

The fact of the matter is that simply having the choice to change one’s name upon getting married is a privilege, and the very discussion itself almost reeks of upper-middle class, heterosexual, cis, white privilege.  Think about it: To even suggest that someone, anyone, should keep a name with which they do not identify – whether that is because they’ve married a man and want to take his name or because their family name was changed at Ellis Island before they were even born and they want to go back to the original family name or for any of the other plethora of intensely personal reasons out there to change one’s name – just to make a political statement is simply reciting dictum from a feminist textbook and ignoring the larger issues and nuances of life.

And, frankly, if a woman does decide to make that name change to her husband’s name, to say that she is “subservient to your husband’s needs” or “losing your identity” (again, from the GAB comments) are such gross over generalizations.  And assumptions!  You can change your name and still be your own person.  Gosh, so many of us write under pseudonyms on the internet; do those pseudonyms make us any less us when we write?  Absolutely not, and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference if we chose to legally change our names to our pseudonyms, either.  It’s all about what you identify with, and, really, by changing your name to one that you identify with, you might just be gaining your identity rather than losing it – and isn’t that really what feminism is all about?

Personally, I identify with my last name, which is why I’m keeping it.  It isn’t some broad, political statement.  It’s simply because this name is who I am, and Tim loves me – all of me – as a whole person, and that love includes my name and my desire to keep it.  And I feel the same way about him and his name, which is why, when he offered to change it for me, I said he shouldn’t do that unless he really identified with my name or a hyphenated/combo variant.  (He decided he didn’t identify with my name or a variant of our two names.  Hence, we are keeping our own.)  But, again, the discussion was about identities, not traditions and politics.

OK, readers, that’s just my two cents.  I welcome all points of view on this blog, and if you have a lot to say, please consider submitting a guest post on the subject.  But, if you must comment here, please be mindful of the multitude of situations the name change debate affects, not just the man-and-woman-marry, woman-takes-man’s-name scenario.

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Call for Guest Posts on Feminism and Relationships

You know, I’ve been writing a lot about feminism and relationships on here lately.  Maybe because I’m getting married in less than 3 months?  I don’t know, just a guess… But whatever the reason, I think it’s a really important topic to cover.  There are lots of us out there who identify as feminist or who advocate feminism and who are also either facing a change in their relationships (moving in together, getting married, etc.) or are well within a relationship or family setting and work to advocate feminism within those relationships every day.  I also find that many of us in this community are frequently combating the often negative, patriarchal connotations that come with marriage and family life and the various titles associated with that life.  I’ve seen so much of this in the comments of this blog or in e-mails sent to me or in twitter responses to things I’ve written that I believe the topic of feminism and relationships cannot be ignored.

So, I want to hear from you.  I’m announcing an open-ended call for guest posts on feminism and relationships.  You can interpret the term “relationships” as loosely as you want, but some ideas for posts might include topics on “Feminism and…”:

  • Marriage (a broad topic here; could include name changes, household chores, the patriarchal connotations behind marriage… anything!)
  • Family (your mothers and fathers, your children, your siblings, etc.)
  • In-laws
  • Same sex partnerships
  • Interracial relationships
  • Long-distance relationships
  • Moving in together
  • Moving somewhere new together
  • Boyfriend/Girlfriend relationships
  • Weddings
  • Friendships
  • Body image and relationships
  • And the list goes on and on – anything you come up with, I’d love to hear it!

What are my guidelines?  As you may know from previous calls for guest posts, my guidelines, like all good things in life, are flexible and open to interpretation.  But in general, I’d say posts should be about 400-800 words in length and spell-checked/grammar-checked to the best of your ability.  Hyperlinks are OK in bios and in posts.  Just make sure I have a list of all URLs in case something is lost in translation, so to speak.  Also, please keep in mind that I am a high school teacher, so I cannot publish curse words, sexually explicit language, or anything overtly political.  If you think you have a topic that might fall into one of these categories, go ahead and e-mail me a pitch and we can totally figure something out.

Of course you can cross-post something to your blog, as well, or submit something you’ve already written on the topic, but I’d appreciate a link back here from your blog.  Also, you don’t have to be a blogger to submit a post!  If you just want to write something for me but don’t necessarily write on your own, that’s swell, too!

All posts or pitches can be submitted to samsanator (at) gmail (dot) com along with a brief bio and a link to your blog if you’ve got one.

I look forward to hearing from you, and hopefully you all will find this new series interesting and helpful!

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I Advocate Feminism

It came to my attention during my blogging break, courtesy of Emily Heroy – Founder of  the Gender Across Borders blog and fellow Equality 101 writer – and Liza DonnellyCartoonist Extraordinaire – (If you’re not at least following these ladies on Twitter or reading their work, you should be.  Now!) that maybe saying “I am a feminist” is maybe not the exact correct thing to be saying.  It’s no secret that feminists throughout history have worked extremely hard towards equal rights for women.  But it’s also no secret that they haven’t historically worked very hard towards equal rights for all women.  bell hooks noted this (I can’t remember the exact essay in which she noted this, so forgive my lack of citation.  If anyone knows, feel free to drop a comment.), especially in the way feminism tended to be for the white, upper-middle class women, not for poor women or women of color.

Today, we see people claiming to be feminists and actively working against women – see anything written about Sarah Palin in the past month.  We see women actively excluding other human beings from the fight for equal rights (Emily didn’t exclude other people in this post, but I refuse to link to the post that did).  We see women telling other women how to be feminists.  Apparently, my feminist card was taken away from me when I chose to get married and have a big wedding.  It’s going to be torn up into little pieces when I write later about the crisis we’re seeing with boys and education and how we need to work to catch them up.  Or when I blog about how my future husband and I are going to share money.

I can’t remember the last time I was so disillusioned with a community of people.  If you read through some of my earlier archives, you’ll see how enchanted I was with this blogging community; I even chose to write my Master’s thesis about it!  It was so wonderful to finally be surrounded by women who supported one another.  And now it seems like these women supporting one another are just doing it in the same way as they did in high school – they’ve formed little Twitter-cliques and feminist groups, only worried about who is tweeting whose links or who is saying things that can be attacked or disagreed with or about who to criticize next for voicing opinions.  This isn’t activism.  This is cattiness masquerading as activism, which, in my opinion, makes it even worse than just plain old nastiness.

It’s no secret that I’ve been pretty disappointed with this community for a while.  But I don’t think I’m disappointed with feminism in general.  In fact, there are some really great women out there writing some really great things, and over the next few weeks, I’m going to try to highlight some of those posts (let’s start with Sophia’s blatant sarcasm regarding the Rules of Feminism).  I’m honored that these people even give this blog the time of day, but I’m not so much honored to call myself a feminist anymore.  Saying “I am a feminist” makes being a feminist all that I am, and makes it tough to do anything that anyone might consider “not feminist.”  So, like bell hooks, I’m no longer going to say I am a feminist, but more simply that I advocate feminism.  I advocate lots of things: human rights in general, better treatment of teachers, equity in education…. and the list goes on.  These things aren’t wholly what I am – although they can be all-consuming.  They are simply things I stand for.  I’ll stand for feminism, or for a feminism that is inclusive and intersectional.  But I won’t let it become all of me.

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Quick Hit: It’s Not About You: Individuals versus Institutions

s.e. smith over at this ain’t livin’ posted an awesome post the other day about the difference between critiquing institutions and critiquing the individuals that are a part of those institutions.  Here’s a brief part from the post:

Yet, somehow, we need to figure out a way to do that. We need to be able to have structural discussions about our society which do not devolve into people complaining about personal attacks and lashing out, or people attacking people simply for being who they are. And a big part of that, quite honestly, is for everyone to get a little bit less self centred in these discussions, to recognise that, well, not everything is about them. Even if it seems like it is. Even if it feels like a personal attack to hear that you have privilege. (Read the full post here.)

This post was great, and said it much better than I could have.  I read this post just after I posted my thoughts on bride-bashing, and I think s.e. smith touches on some of the same issues here.  Attacking an institution should be different than attacking the individuals in that institution, except when those individuals are actively working to uphold said institution.  I’ll stop here because smith’s post says it better than I ever could.  So go read it!

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An Open Letter to the Feminist Blogging Community

Or: “Why I am Taking a Break.”

Dear Feminist Bloggers 1,

I think it’s time I take a break.  I don’t know if this will end in a complete “break up,” if you will, but it will be a definite break.  I am not going to blog or post on Tumblr for 30 days, starting right after I post this, I am not going to be reading any blogs,  (In fact, I am going to seriously clean up my feeds) and I am not going to post or read anything on Twitter or Facebook for at least 10 days.   I’ve really enjoyed our time together, and you all have been invaluable to me as I’ve stumbled through a thesis using your brilliant ideas and writings, and as I’ve grown into my own definition of feminism.

But, that’s just it.  My definition of feminism seems to be growing away a bit from the community’s as a whole, or maybe it just was never the same.  I think there is a disconnect between me and my beliefs and many of yours, and I think that disconnect lies in the fact that I am a high school teacher, and I am not steeped in academia or living in the middle of a liberal city.  I think it’s easy to have lots of highbrow discussions back and forth when you’re in the midst of many other people who have read the same articles as you or who have been to the same lectures as you (say, on a university campus, for example.  Or in the middle of a big city.),  or, perhaps, when you’re the one giving the lectures.  But, sometimes, it’s very difficult to reconcile these academic ideas with the world in which I live and work.  And I think me being out of grad school for a while has only helped to deepen this divide.

Don’t get me wrong; the work of the academics and lecturers is vital to the feminist movement.  However, for every academic discussion about feminism (or any -ism, really), there isn’t necessarily a clear, practical application for those of us who are not on a university campus or in a big city, and who aren’t constantly surrounded with people who share our beliefs and opinions.  And it is this disconnect that, in turn, causes a disconnect between belief sets.

Let me give you a concrete example of what I’m talking about.  Anyone who’s spent any time in undergrad or graduate level classes knows the frustration (or perhaps this does not frustrate you) of reading scholarly articles after scholarly articles that do nothing but talk in circles around each other and add nothing to “real life” but more theory.  This theory is vitally important, and change could not be made without it.  But it is sometimes difficult – maybe impossible – to practice what is preached, so to speak.

Theory is often a one size fits all type of thing.  You’re either going to buy it or you’re not.  But there is very rarely any in-between.  Take, for example, the idea floating around out there that feminists should not get married.  Or that, if they do get married, it should be a simple affair because importance should be placed on the marriage, not the wedding, and “these bridezillas who care about nothing but their white dresses and perfect, expensive receptions, never stop to think about their marriages, and shouldn’t that be the important part?”  (Yes.  I saw that sentiment on a feminist blog a little while ago.)  In my opinion, this just isn’t practical, nor is it correct.  It seems based on various bridal shows one might see on TLC, but not based so much on real life. (And this surprises me a bit coming from a group of people who continually critique pop culture; why would such a group willingly buy into the idea that most brides are actually anything like what we see on reality TV and romantic comedies without critique or second thought?)  OK, I’ll be the first to admit it: I may be hyper sensitive because I am having a rather large wedding, and we decided to do that because this is the biggest decision we’ve made in our lives so far, and it is the happiest we have ever been, and we wanted to share it with as many friends and family as possible.  But we are also very focused on our marriage and getting our lives together right.  We have conversations almost daily about our future.  The wedding is a day.  The marriage is a lifetime.  And I think most brides really do know that.

But this is just one example.  I have had feminist bloggers who don’t know the first thing about teaching try to tell me how to implement feminism in my own classroom, or tell me that I’m “doing it wrong” when it comes to teaching and feminism.  I’m not trying to be elitist here, but I am saying that I do know my craft.  And maybe feminist blogging isn’t my craft, but teaching most certainly is.  And, as a teacher, I know that I cannot make radical changes or radical theoretical statements in my classroom.  They just won’t go over well, and might even get me fired.  Theory must be radical, but teaching cannot practically be so.  Perhaps that’s where my philosophy of Small Strokes comes in: I am not trying to be radical in any way, but just trying to make small differences.  Maybe one student this year might remember the discussions we had about feminism who wouldn’t have otherwise known about feminism at all.  Maybe two students might see a boy treating his girlfriend badly and say something about it because of my influence.  These things might seem small to you, but they are my ultimate success stories.

I think it is this that makes people look down on teachers quite a bit.  (Do you know how many times I’ve been told I could do better than teaching?  Or how many surprised and disdained looks I got when I told people in undergrad that, no, I wasn’t going on to grad school right away and, yes, I always wanted to teach?)  We’re in a different sphere, making different changes in different ways than, say, the feminist blogosphere.  But when I’m teaching, I feel I’m doing the most important thing I can do with my life.  Sure, other people might be traveling the world, giving lectures or volunteering or studying (all extremely important activities), but I’m in the trenches.  And I’m not leaving.  And I won’t ever stop being an activist in my classroom.  There has been a lot of talk circulating about the privilege embedded in blogging-as-activism, and that bloggers can just walk away from their writing and their activism – put it on hold for a bit while they take care of other things.  I’m telling you right now, I cannot walk away from my activism, for, as soon as I do, I cease to be helpful to my students or to myself. I live and breathe activism in my classroom, and I see things that many feminist theorists may not.  But when I blog from my perspective, often, I’m told that I’m wrong or didn’t say it right.  (I didn’t know thoughtful opinions steeped in research or personal experience could be wrong.)  Frankly, I just can’t handle it right now.  Not to get too personal, but I’ve lost a lot of the confidence I felt I had previously, and the incessant criticism that is coming at me because of this blog is too much.  And it’s hard not to see blog posts that probably have nothing to do with you, but indict something that you’re currently immersed in and not take it personally.

So, I’m going to take a break.  I’ve seen how valuable this can be with Equality 101, and I now want to do it for myself.  I want to relax a bit, let this all sink in, focus on the end of school and grad school, and – hopefully – refocus on this blog and Equality 101. I don’t know what this blog will look like afterwards, or what time commitment I will be promising to it, but I know that this is best for me.

So.  Hopefully I’ll see you all on the flipside.

Sincerely,

Ashley Lauren

  1. There was some disagreement earlier about me using “feminists” as a general term to begin a previous letter about how upset I am becoming with the feminist blogging community (I shouldn’t add to the stereotype that all feminists feel this way, etc.).  However, I am becoming more and more upset with the feminist blogging community as a whole as the days pass, so I am addressing this to you in general.  This post will probably make some people very unhappy, but so be it.  I need to get it out.  If it doesn’t apply to you, then take it for what it is.  If it does apply to you… read on.  Or don’t.

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Recommended Reading: 4-18-2010

Don’t forget!  There’s still time to donate to my Avon Walk for Breast Cancer AND to RSVP for the #chifems April Tweetup!

The Impact of Twitter on Feminism: Its Facilitations & Limitations by Emily Heroy

Feminism makes it way all across the internet–in universities all over the world, news articles posted online, in forums, on Facebook, and (as the title suggests), Twitter. I’ve talked about the impact of social media and feminism in a video interview I did awhile back. But for this post, I want to stress the impact of Twitter on feminism.

Teenagers and Reading by Justine Larbalestier

1. There seems to be an implicit assumption that all teenagers are the same.

2. There’s also an assumption in all these discussions about YA that it is primarily read by teenagers.

3. Another assumption is that a) only reading fiction counts and b) reading is better for you than any other pastime.

4. Then there’s the assumption that there is such a thing as good writing and bad writing and we all agree on what those are.

Smarts, books, teens and fairy dust by Chally

There’s a particular trend in the challenging of teenagers’ reading choices. Everything teenagers read – or everything teenagers are supposedly reading – is baaaaad. It’s immoral! Or it’s sapping their minds! Or they could be reading something better! say the older folk. We must question where such valuation of these books comes from. Is there something particularly wrong with Harry Potter or Twilight?

Beyond the Pale: Is white the new black? by Kelefa Sanneh via The New Yorker

In a marvellously splenetic essay, “On Being White . . . And Other Lies,” James Baldwin argued that America had, really, “no white community”—only a motley alliance of European immigrants and their descendants, who made a “moral choice” (even if they didn’t realize it) to join a synthetic racial élite. And, in the nineteen-nineties, a cohort of scholars took up Baldwin’s charge, popularizing a field of research that came to be known as whiteness studies. In 1994, the white labor historian David R. Roediger published an incendiary volume, “Towards the Abolition of Whiteness.” Paying special attention to unions and strikes, he traced the unsteady growth of American whiteness, a category that eventually included many previous identities that had once been considered marginal: Irish, Italian, Polish, Jewish. “It is not merely that whiteness is oppressive and false; it is that whiteness is nothing but oppressive and false,” he wrote. “Whiteness describes, from Little Big Horn to Simi Valley, not a culture but precisely the absence of culture. It is the empty and therefore terrifying attempt to build an identity based on what one isn’t and on whom one can hold back.”

What Makes a Great Teacher? by Amanda Ripley via The Atlantic

For years, the secrets to great teaching have seemed more like alchemy than science, a mix of motivational mumbo jumbo and misty-eyed tales of inspiration and dedication. But for more than a decade, one organization has been tracking hundreds of thousands of kids, and looking at why some teachers can move them three grade levels ahead in a year and others can’t. Now, as the Obama administration offers states more than $4 billion to identify and cultivate effective teachers, Teach for America is ready to release its data.

Five Years by Danine Spencer

Sunday was the anniversary of a really good day. A great day, in fact. It was the fifth anniversary of the day I was admitted to Froedtert Hospital in Milwaukee, Wis., where I where I stayed for the next two months. I’m sure most people wouldn’t commemorate the anniversary of the day they entered a hospital for two months, but April 11, 2005, was a day that changed my life.

Guest Post: Interview with Julie Zilinger, teenage editor of top feminist blog, the Fbomb from Veronica Arreola

We had the opportunity to talk to one of the busiest (and youngest) bloggers on the web, Julie Zeilinger, sole founder of the Fbomb, a feminist blog for teenagers. Let us rephrase: while the blog may be run by a teenager and posted from a teenage perspective, the content is relevant for any feminist young and old.  Zeilinger attracts an international array of young feminists while posting from Pepper Pike, Ohio. In this interview, she tells us how her feminist outlook was shaped,  juggling school, the blog and the way her peers and parents view her.

SAFER: Beyond the Campus by Amanda ReCupido

I recently volunteered with SAFER (Students Active for Ending Rape), where I’ll be writing a weekly blog post that collects news of sexual assault from “beyond the campus” (their mission is to improve college sexual assault policies). Below is my first post, cross-posted here.

Food and Moral Weight by s.e. smith

But the thing I really like about Michelle is that she talks about the structural systems behind the food we eat, and she specifically addresses and refutes the commonly held idea that individual eaters should be held morally culpable for the system they are trapped in. She does not, in other words, think it’s very productive to judge people who don’t have a lot of choice when it comes to what they get their stomachs around. In fact, she thinks, as I do, that it’s actually pretty counterproductive to be berating people for not eating “right” when “right” may not be an option for them.

Take Care of Your Eyes! by Danine Spencer

  • More women than men are diagnosed with eye diseases such as glaucoma, cataracts, macular degeneration and diabetic retinopathy
  • Women may experience changes in vision in various stages of their lives including pregnancy and post-menopause.
  • More than 2.3 million women (out of 3.6 million people total) live with visual impairment, including blindness
  • 6 million women (vs 3 million men) have dry eye syndrome, a condition where not enough natural tears are produced.

Day of Silence by s.e. smith

Bullying kills. This is not just about kids being kids. It is about unparalleled viciousness and horrific behaviour. It is about violence and rape and hatred. It is about school districts which stand by and do nothing while their students are literally bullied to death and people are begging for help; the ‘not my business’ attitude harms youths who are being bullied in particular because they are counting on the adults around them to do the right thing and when they don’t it is an act of betrayal. An act which can’t be made up later, when the victim is dead, I would like to point out.

Following up on the F Conference by Chally

But a problem with feminism is that those “other” issues get treated as pet issues that mainstream feminism can pick up once in a while for minority points and drop again. And the sad thing is, intersectionality isn’t that hard a tool to employ. There are so many conventional sites of feminist activism that could centre, for instance, disability along with gender, but just don’t.

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I Hate Being Wrong

Tim is going to read that title and laugh and then throw it in my face that I finally admitted it.  But, really, I hate being wrong.  And I hate it especially when that wrongness hurts someone else.

There is a lot to be said about language, and, most importantly about language, in my humble opinion, is the fact that it has such power to motivate, inspire, direct, and – yes – hurt people.  As an English major, a writer, and a blogger, I feel I’ve been entrusted with this power and I must wield it carefully.

Honestly, there are a lot of things I avoid saying on here because I fear offending someone, or I am afraid I’ll say it the wrong way.  I feel comfortable blogging about women’s rights because, hey, I am a woman, so if I say something about feminism and women’s rights, it must be OK, right?  But what if I say something wrong about something I don’t really have any experience with, or what if I say something offensive or use an offensive word and don’t realize it?  The truth is that I should know better, but I do slip up.  Or sometimes I don’t know better, and people assume that since I write in this civil rights blogosphere that I should, and get angry with me when I had no clue a term or phrase was offensive.

This is also very often the reason I avoid commenting on blogs.  The pressure to “say it right” in someone else’s sphere is so intense sometimes that it’s difficult to formulate a complete thought, let alone a coherent comment that doesn’t derail the discussion.  So, often, I don’t comment at all.

I guess I’m sharing this because it’s been bothering me lately.  I feel like the purpose of the feminist blogosphere should be to educate, and in order to educate people, one should be insistent that we “say it right” but, also, should be a patient teacher.  I feel like we should be able to say what we have to say and, if something is said in an offensive way, we should trust that those offended will come to us privately and explain to us why we should edit what we wrote or change our writing practices in the future.  And, on the other side, the people who wrote the offensive word or phrase should be open to the criticism and try their best to change.

Any thoughts?

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Sunday Recommended Reading

I’ve been bad about tweeting and blogging about good articles and blog posts to you all this year – particularly in the past month – and for that I apologize.  Between trying to get Equality101.net off the ground, writing a thesis, giving up coffee, and trying to untangle my brain from the theory of rhetoric, I’ve frequently been left without words.  Literally.  No words left.  Which is also why I haven’t been posting a whole lot here, either.  But that will all change very soon!  My classes end on May 19, and then I am totally and completely finished with grad school.  (Does a little happy dance.)

So, where was I?  Oh yea, I’ve been a bad feminist blogger lately, and it’s time for me to make amends.  What follows is, what I hope to be, a more regular feature on this blog… some recommended reading!  Some of this stuff goes back to February and early March, but it’s all still good and relevant, so check it out!  And don’t forget to leave what you’ve been reading and writing in the comments!

From Amanda at The Undomestic Goddess:

Twitter Chat Recap: Violence Against Women

Last night I participated in a Girl’s Night Out Twitter chat aimed to raise awareness to end domestic violence for women worldwide. It was hosted by Jyl Johnson Pattee of the blog MomItForward (on Twitter @MomItForward), and as Avon recently made a grant of $1.5 million to the Avon Center for Women and Justice to help combat violence against women internationally, they partnered up to help spread information and incite action. There were over 40 participants – take a look here to check out some of the names. The chat addressed topics such as teen dating violence, resources for domestic violence victims, human trafficking, and how to educate men to end violence against women. While the talk didn’t focus so much on international issues, it nonetheless raised important awareness about this harrowing experience that surrounds us on a daily basis. Below are some choice tweets from the chat (tweets are my own unless another user is specified; note: #vaw = Violence Against Women, #dv = Domestic Violence). To follow the entire conversation on Twitter, see here.

Five Social Media-Savvy Women in Politics

An interesting trend coinciding with more and more women in more powerful government positions is the burgeoning of social media as a communications tool between politicians and their respective constituencies. The following is a short list of powerful women in politics with a strong web presence who’ve availed themselves of new technology to reach out to the people they represent in revolutionary ways. Each politician’s name links to their Twitter profile.

From Criss at Criss Writes:

Working Wives are bad for Hero Husbands

You see, according to Dr. Laura, when women work outside the home, they lose respect for their husbands. Because the MAN is supposed to be the PROTECTOR, the HERO. And how can Freddy be a hero if I’m out there working, just like he is?

Hello. My name is Criss, and I’m privileged.

So, yeah, I have lots of privilege. I am aware of some of it, and I try to stay aware of it.
Having privilege doesn’t make me evil, though, nor does it mean my opinions are not valid. It means I have a limited view of things, and I need to watch it to make sure I don’t stick my privileged foot in my privileged mouth.
It doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to speak about certain things, even if, egads, you disagree with me. The fact that I have not lived that particular situation my own very self does not mean I am wholly ignorant of it; I may not be an expert, I may not be able to speak from personal experience, but I may have taken the time to listen to someone who has lived through that experience. And if that person isn’t there at that particular point in time, and that point of view needs to be shared, then I have a right — and many would say a responsibility — to speak up.

From Danine at danine.net:

Women’s (Disability) History Month: Dorothea Lange

While Lange’s work is famous, not much is known about her personal life. She had a difficult childhood. She contracted polio when she was seven, leaving her with an obvious limp. The neighborhood children shunned her and even her mother acted embarrassed by her “crippled” child. Lange’s father left the family when she was 12 years old.

Why We Fear The Disabled

Our disability frightens people. They don’t want to think that is something which could happen to them. So we become separated from our common humanity, treated as fundamentally different and alien. Having put up clear barriers between us and them, non- disabled people further they hide their fear and discomfort by turning us into objects of pity, comforting themselves by their own kindness and generosity. (Morris 1991: 192)

From Gender Across Borders:

I enjoy fashion and makeup; I’m still a feminist, right?

The more and more I learn about feminism, I realize (that many of you probably know) that there is no one definition of feminism. My definition of feminism might be different from yours–and that’s okay. More specifically, though, in terms of fashion and beauty, as long as I’ve understood the historical and societal implications of beauty and fashion and how they’ve shaped how women are “supposed” to look, then it’s more than okay for me to wear heels.

Forgiveness is Women’s Work

Many women see forgiveness as a means of survival; they need to forgive in order to get to the day-to-day business of caring for children, finding food for their families, and rebuilding their communities. I think it is important to acknowledge and emulate women’s capacity for forgiveness, yet it is equally as important to not over-simplify it.

From Ileana at Feminist Teacher:

“I constantly innovate my teaching”: Jaime Escalante Dies, Vision Endures

It wasn’t until seventh grade that I had an inspiring and challenging Latina teacher for my honors history class.  I always strove for an A and always came up with an A-.  Even the students rallied behind me and said,”Why don’t you give Ileana an A?” She would always say: “There’s room for improvement!”  I strove and strove and finally got that A at the end of the year.  I wanted to impress her not only because she was my teacher but also because she was one of my own.

From Womanist Musings:

The Economics of Blogging

I feel the need to say that blogging is hard work.  I know it may simply seem like bloggers are living the life of Riley, but I am here to tell you first hand, that some days my stress level is incredibly high.  From the hate mail, to the drive to always find interesting subjects to write about, each day brings a lot of stress.  This is not to say that I don’t like what I do, but that it is very unrecognized and often filled with conflict.

I know that people believe that because there are ads on my blog, that I am making a significant amount of money, but don’t let that fool you.  Advertisement does not come close to offering me equitable reward for what I do.  Like many women before me, I have had to find separate ways to finance my urge to communicate and explore this world through the written word.

From the New York Times:

The Myth of Mean Girls

But this panic is a hoax. We have examined every major index of crime on which the authorities rely. None show a recent increase in girls’ violence; in fact, every reliable measure shows that violence by girls has been plummeting for years. Major offenses like murder and robbery by girls are at their lowest levels in four decades. Fights, weapons possession, assaults and violent injuries by and toward girls have been plunging for at least a decade.

The Next Big Thing in English: Knowing They Know That You Know

Jonathan Gottschall, who has written extensively about using evolutionary theory to explain fiction, said “it’s a new moment of hope” in an era when everyone is talking about “the death of the humanities.” To Mr. Gottschall a scientific approach can rescue literature departments from the malaise that has embraced them over the last decade and a half. Zealous enthusiasm for the politically charged and frequently arcane theories that energized departments in the 1970s, ’80s and early ’90s — Marxism, structuralism, psychoanalysis — has faded. Since then a new generation of scholars have been casting about for The Next Big Thing.

From The Curvature on Tumblr:

Storytime

I didn’t stop saying “lame” or any other word like it because I had a light bulb moment and realized the social connections between the different meanings of the word, and how there really is a reason that “lame” doesn’t just mean bad but uniquely and pathetically bad, when people with disabilities are so commonly portrayed as pathetic. In the end, I’m not entirely sure that it matters when or even if I started believing that. Because it’s not why I stopped.

I stopped because I didn’t want to hurt people. I stopped because I didn’t want to engage in what I claim to advocate against. I stopped because people told me that it was doing them harm when I did it, and because it hurt me to realize that that hadn’t initially been enough. I stopped saying the word because I realized that it was enough.

From Dorianisms:

An Education

Look, the bottom line is this. It is undeniable fact that 15% of undergrads drop out. Or at least I assume my prof would not actively stoop to lying about statistics, so we’ll take it as true for the moment. If this is the case, shouldn’t we be looking at the reasons for that? Don’t judge those who drop out–they have reasons to do so. Let’s focus on improving the university environment so that it works for all students. Lower fees so people can afford to take their time. Change structure so people who don’t fit into the current model can function. Accommodate. It’s the only way.

And don’t forget!  There’s still time to donate to my Avon Walk for Breast Cancer AND to RSVP for the #chifems April Tweetup!

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