Why Did I Keep My Last Name If I Don’t Use It?
Many people who learn that I kept my last name when I got married need a reason. They often ask why I made that decision or look at me with confusion. Some assume that I kept it because I am a writer, and I usually let people think that. After all, “I never dreamed of having articles or books published or earning advanced degrees as Ashley Lauren SomeoneElse’sName, but I did dream of seeing Ashley Lauren S___ on bookshelves and diplomas.”
The truth is, though, that here and elsewhere – even in that post, and in many others about my last name – I don’t actually use it. Now that I won’t be publishing a book anytime soon, I won’t be able to see my name on the spine of a book as I walk through the bookshelves at the local bookstore, as I dreamed about doing ever since I was a little girl. Sure, I use my last name in some places – it sort of depends on the piece, the venue, and what else people can find that I’ve written for said venue. Sometimes it just depends on how cautious I’m feeling at any given time. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of precedent; if I’ve published something there before, I keep the name I used the first time.
So, if I’m not going to use my name to publish articles, why did I keep it?
My decision not to use my last name on the internet more than necessary is more out of habit than anything else. I was raised with a very Midwestern sense of fear of the internet that, with every awesome person I meet in real life having known only through the internet, is slowly going away. (I’m not actually sure that this fear is Midwestern, but I have been told that it is on numerous occasions.) I started out calling myself Ashley Lauren (Lauren is my middle name, in case you didn’t know, and I actually do use it most of the time, even when I use my last name as well) and it just stuck. Couple that with the fact that I have students who are better at Googling things than I could ever even hope to be, and I’ve left my name right where it is.
However, I didn’t really keep my name because of my writing. Being a writer is one of the multitude of reasons I have for keeping my name, among them: “It was my name for 26 years; I was sort of attached to it,” or “I’ve just always known I wanted to keep it.” When you add all of it up, I kept my name for me. Among a plethora of things I was afraid I would have to give up when I got married (some, like moving to the city, I had to give up and others, like my clothes shopping sprees, I didn’t), my name wasn’t going to be one of them.
Writer or not, if I had wanted to change my name when I got married, I would have done it. Likewise, though I use lots of reasons to justify my keeping my name, there are just as many reasons I could use to justify changing it. It all boiled down to what I wanted to do and what I felt was right, above anything else.
Photo Credit: epSos.de
You know I love this 🙂
Why are you even asking the question? Why do people ask it of you? Because you’re female. I’ve never heard of any man being asked why he didn’t change his surname to that of his spouse. And yet you have people looking at you in confusion. And if a man did change his name, they’d look at him in confusion.
That’s pretty messed up.
Whether someone does or doesn’t take their spouse’s name (or hyphenates), there should be no questions. It’s their choice.
I actually quite like tradition. I think it’s a link to the past. But some traditions link to a past that’s not something we should want to celebrate — such as that women were once the property of men (and still are in some countries, either by law or custom).
In response to “Many people who learn that I kept my last name when I got married need a reason,” people demand a reason why I changed my name to my husband’s last name because I’m a feminist. I get really tired of having to explain myself.
I enjoyed this post, and we’ve had countless discussions over the internetz and in person about this, so I totally know your thoughts, and when it comes down to it, it’s a personal choice. You kept your last name because you wanted to!
Women shouldn’t take the man’s name, and men should not buy an engagement ring for the woman, and neither should wear wedding rings. There is no sense in not doing the name change if you’re going to do the other traditions.
If you are not going to do the name change, then it doesn’t make sense to follow other ownership traditions, especially unequal traditions such as the man being expected to be the one to propose and buy a diamond engagement ring, as if he is buying his wife.
Barry (or his internet twin) has been trolling with the same comment on my Last Name Project posts for the last couple of weeks, too. Basically it comes down to the ring issue, even though it’s not that way for everyone.