My husband is a grown man.
My husband is a grown man.
This may sound absurd, but it’s true. And I think the absurdity of the statement stems not from the fact that he is, in fact, a grown man, but from the fact that I have to even mention it.
In this article, Dr. G tells us that one of our New Years Resolutions should be to stop referring to our husbands as children:
It happens because, somewhere along the line, our culture decided that it’s OK to demean your spouse. And we do the same thing to our husbands.
You’re out with a friend, enjoying a cup of coffee in a rare kid-free moment. Your friend runs into an acquaintance, you all get to talking and she asks “Oh, how many kids do you have?” You smile and say, “Two.” Your friend says, “Well, three, counting her husband.” The whole group chuckles.
Don’t do it! Don’t count your husband as one of your children.
I have seen this happen more times than I can count. I call a girlfriend to see if she can do lunch, and she says, “Yea! I’m sure [insert husband’s name here] can babysit.” Or another friend might say to me, “I really wish [husband’s name] could clean up his stuff around the house.” And, of course, the ever-present need to call and “check up” on the hubby because he’s watching the kids… after you’ve already left more detailed directions for him than you would have for anyone else watching the kids.
I know it’s really, really cool to act like you’re the one that keeps the whole family from tumbling into a black hole of dirty dishes and undone laundry. You are woman, hear you roar, and all that. But seriously? Unless you actually did marry a child (which is illegal, so I’m pretty sure you didn’t), your husband is not one.
Here’s the thing, though, if you treat your husband like a child, he will probably start to act like one. This is the same reason why, if you do everything for your children, they will probably never grow up. It’s called enabling, and it’s not good.
Let’s take this scenario that I hear so often: Wife goes to the grocery store to get all the necessary ingredients for an awesome meal that she then slaves over. Husband enjoys the meal so much, then grabs his beverage of choice and heads off to the TV to clock some screen time before bed, leaving Wife with all of the dirty dishes. Wife does the dishes, then gets angry that Husband never does the dishes.
Sound familiar? No, not to you personally, of course, but you’ve heard of this happening.
Let me ask you this, then. What would happen if Wife asked Husband to do the dishes or help with the dishes? Would he rise to the occasion? I’d hope so. What would happen if Wife left the dishes for Husband to do? Out of a need for a clean plate, or from disgust at the noxious odors coming from the kitchen sink, he would probably toss some of those bad boys in the dishwasher and run it.
Of course, if you never ask your husband to do anything, he probably won’t. And if you always do everything for him, he probably won’t ever do anything for himself. So, ladies, I say don’t be afraid to ask.
I know lots of people think that, if men are actually “grown,” they shouldn’t have to be asked to do what needs to be done. To which I reply: Sure. Ideally. But how many of you wives out there have very concrete ideas about how you want your home to look and what needs to happen for it to all run smoothly? I bet all of you. Let’s be honest here, much of that is because, as women, we’ve been trained to think that way. And men have not. So they have a little catching up to do, but think of it this way: Do you share your vision of the perfect house with the men in your lives? Probably not. So cut them some slack; they’re grown-ups, not mind-readers.
Ashley, you are so right. My boyfriend and I were talking about this the other day. This happens more often than women want to admit. I think it’s important to keep in mind that we should treat our boyfriends/husbands the way we would like to be treated. I would hate to be treated like a little girl by my boyfriend. Also, making our expectations known is SO important.
Totally. I think if we never share our vision for how the house is supposed to work, we’ll never get what we want in an equal partnership. And, likewise, he needs to share his vision, too!
Nobody can read minds. Some have different levels of tolerance for mess. If someone is tired of doing all the chores themselves, first step is saying – respectfully – “Can you do up these dishes for me, please, while I put away this laundry (or something to that effect). I’d really appreciate it.”
The spouse may not jump to do the dishes after dinner because maybe, doing dishes isnt’ a huge deal.. maybe they WERE planning to, but wanted to sit and let their food settle..
I never understand why people are so afraid to ask for help. It’s the easiest way to get your needs met.
So true, Andie! So true.
“Can you do the dishes for me?” Is it just me, or that sounds incredibly sexist? The problem is that women still think that these jobs are theirs to do (even when they also have full time jobs). If everybody eats, I think everybody should be involved in the preparation/ cleaning process.
I agree! But, sometimes, if you’re not getting what you want or need, you have to ask. Sitting there hoping it’ll get done won’t help!
I let them sit for four days…still not done. I’ve done it several times. The dishwasher doesn’t run unless I ask him to do the dishes or I just do them myself. I believe you are incorrect in your theory that men will do them if given the chance.