Small Strokes Big Oaks

I make more money than Tim. 

Not much more, but enough that it’s sometimes noticeable.  Our checks are about the same amount each time we get them, but he gets paid twice a month and I get paid every two weeks.  That’s the same 10 months out of the year, but two glorious months during the year, I get an extra check.

This doesn’t bother Tim so much.  It’s sort of par for the course considering I teach high school and he teaches middle school and we both teach in similar areas.  And while we’ve mostly figured out how to share our financial responsibilities (what we started doing ended up working really well!), we’re still facing budget cuts in our districts and we’re working hard to save money.  The implications of budget cuts for us can mean we have to spend more of our own money on school supplies for the year or we could have a frozen contract, which means we won’t get our yearly raises or move over lanes for advanced degrees or we could face increased insurance payments which means more money out of our paychecks.  I’m not complaining.  I have a great job that I love; it just means that, even in this economy with a dual income, two teachers who are relatively debt-free are having trouble putting a down payment on a house.  So we’re working hard to save.

However, Tim and I have different definitions of “working hard” and “saving.”  I work hard during the school year and take on extra duties to make some extra money, but I’ll never take on something extra if it means taxing my personal time and my stress level- there are times during the year (…ahem… while I was planning a wedding… ahem…) when no amount of money is worth every precious minute I have to myself to get my grading and planning done so I have more time at home to do other things.  I put a set amount in our savings every month, and I usually have some left over to contribute in case we go over our budget with extra things we hadn’t really planned for (like a dog).  But the summer is mine.  While I was a student and during my first teaching job (when I was living on my own and could barely make ends meet), I had a summer job every year.  Last summer, I took off to plan a wedding.  This summer, now that I’ve moved schools and I’m making more with my master’s degree and Tim and I are going to stay in our apartment for another whole year, and now that I’ve spent two summers in grad school and one summer planning a wedding and absolutely worked my butt off this year to stay afloat with my teaching and my personal life, this summer is mine.  You’ll find me by the pool or walking my dog or sitting in my air-conditioned “office” blogging.  This is a recuperating, rejuvenating summer.  No more, no less. ¹

Tim, however, is searching desperately for a summer job.  He is the kind of person who, no matter the taxing effect on his mental state, his physical well-being, or (sometimes) his personal relationships, will do whatever it takes to make more money.  And he’ll always put that money into our house savings, while any extra money I make usually ends up paying for something (usually unnecessary) that I’ve convinced Tim that we need to have.  And, truth be told, this year I didn’t make all that much extra money.  But Tim did, and will continue to.

While I admire his spirit and determination, and I am grateful for his work-work-work attitude, I do wonder why he feels the need to bring home the bacon, so to speak.  We’ve talked about this several times, and, while I believe the attitude comes from societal norms that have been handed down to him (it’s OK for the woman to stay at home and take care of things that need to be done and relax if need be, but the man needs to make more money, gosh darnit!), his argument is that he doesn’t do well with free time.  But, as any “housewife” knows, there is so rarely any free time at all between cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking meals, caring for pets and children, doing home improvement projects, etc.  Even those who stay at home find themselves lucky to have a minute or two to sit down and write a blog post or read a book or visit the pool!  And Tim knows that he would have minimal free time if he stayed at home.  But “free time” for him isn’t time spent with nothing to do, it’s time spent with things to do for free – unpaid labor that so often goes unnoticed because it’s done for only the satisfaction of having it done in return. 

Tim and I make a good pair.  I like doing the things he hates and vice versa.  He cleans the bathroom while I do the laundry and so on.  So, while he’s out bringing home the bacon, I’ll be ready to fry it up in the kitchen (though he’ll be the only one eating it because I’m still mostly a vegetarian, but that’s neither here nor there), and I’m OK with that.  Call me unfeminist.  Tell me I’m single-handedly reinforcing the glass ceiling because I’m OK making less money and taking time off to care for my home.  Say what you will, but know this: It takes working as a pair to make a great pair, and if you’re both off working long hours, when will you even have the time to be a pair at all?  Though societal norms tell us that the man should be out making money, is it so wrong for that to actually happen?  Should I go out and get a summer job just because I’m a feminist and I believe our partnership should be equitable?  Or does an equitable partnership mean more than just money?  I think you know my feelings on the topic, but I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!