Baby Blasphemy

Today, the baby theme continues.  I was reminded through yesterday’s post and the subsequent (awesome) comments of a time in my classroom when I told my students I’m not having kids 1.

There was an audible gasp, and then silence.  In my lively classes, silence is often unexpected and awkward.

After a few seconds, it was clear the students just didn’t know what to say, so I said, “I know.  Blasphemy.”  They laughed, and we moved on.

But it got me thinking: Where does this mentality come from?  I had an entire class in which a majority of the students are not parents completely aghast at the thought of their teacher not having children.  I’ve come to expect the surprise and subsequent persuasion from people who are parents – It’s kind of like having a wedding or something else equally huge.  People just want you to share in the happiness they have in the same way they did.  I mean, it’s annoying, but I get it.  When I talk about all the reasons I don’t want kids, it makes some sense that a glowing mother might tell me all that pales in comparison to the joy you feel when you have a child.  Because, in their experience, it does. 

But these students have no knowledge of the joy of children.  For them, it’s purely a social construct: You get married, you have children.  That’s it.  Done.  And deviating from the accepted norm is surprising.  And, having had this conversation with other students before in relation to keeping my name (“But what about the children?!”), I know the persuasion was just a few minutes away.  Which is why I made a joke and moved on.

It’s the same thing when we tell people older than us that we don’t really want children and they say, “Don’t worry.  You will.”  I started to talk about this yesterday and had to cut myself off for the sake of the post, but this statement just boggles my mind.  First, there’s the assumption that we will change our minds.  Which is a possibility I’m open to, but we don’t really do it very often.  Second, there’s an assumption and an implication that this attitude of ours is something we do and should worry about.  Third, and maybe worst of all, is the implication that we’re just young and don’t know anything yet.

Where does this start?  What makes my students shocked that we don’t necessarily want children?  What makes grown adults who have experienced this life-altering experience so shocked that we don’t want children?  And what makes people think it’s OK to comment on or ask about a very private decision that a couple makes that changes their lives forever?  You could say parents and the media influence us from a very young age that this is just what people do, but I can’t ever remember my parents giving me the assumption that I would grow up and get married and have kids.  (In fact, I remember being very young (like five years old – can you verify, Mom? 🙂 ) and telling my mom I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have a baby, and she said, “Well, then, don’t.”  Then again, maybe that’s why I feel OK saying I don’t want children – because I was empowered from a very young age to make that decision myself.  (I have a good mommy!)

I don’t know.  This is all just kind of tumblirng around and I’m not quite sure what to make of it.  Your comments yesterday were so insightful – I’d be interested to hear your take on these extended thoughts of mine.  And, with that, I’ll leave it open for you.

  1. You might ask why I talk about this stuff with my students.  I don’t, really, but I do allow the topics to come up instead of lying to them to make conversations easier or to stay on topic.  I think these life lessons that show them there are other ways of doing things aside from the established social norm are actually what teaching is all about.  I get them to think about life in a different way, and they may not agree – that’s OK – but at least they know what’s out there.

2 replies on “Baby Blasphemy”

  1. It’s kind of the root of an existential dilemma. The question “Why are we here?” has a simple answer: to procreate. Honestly. We are a bundle of information and we are driven to pass that information on — or to ensure it gets passed on.

    But our species has gotten to the point where, at least for some of us, mere survival is no big deal. I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to die tomorrow, and so are you and so are most of the other people we know.

    We’re able to pursue interests. Make money, have sex, take vacations, teach others, improve the world. But deep down, biologically, we’re “meant” to have kids.

    All this is from a former bio major who is also not going to have kids. 🙂

    • Ashley on

      Cat. You have blown my mind. Seriously. I’m sitting over here all confuddled because I’m English-majoring it to death (Yes, I just used my major as a verb. If you know enough English majors, you know it’s legitimate!) and I never stopped to think that, biologically, it’s WEIRD to not want your species to survive!! Interesting nature vs nurture, huh?