Oh, baby!
So. The conversations about babies have started. I’m surprised it took this long.
I think a lot of it started because we’ve been sort of idly searching for houses but it’s been a difficult process because we’re not really sure what kind of space or location we’ll need down the road, mostly because we’re not sure if we want kids. But think about how much of a difference having kids makes on your house selection: number of rooms, schools, access to programs… and the list goes on and on.
It’s been a difficult process, and one that isn’t even close to over… in fact, it’s barely just begun.
And, honestly, people don’t care much about the house search yet, as long as we find something that makes us happy. But babies? That’s another story. Like weddings, people seem to have plenty of opinions about babies – when you should have them, how many to have, whether you want a boy or a girl (like you can choose), what’s best for you when you’re pregnant, what’s best for your kids once they’re born… that list goes on and on, too.
But here’s the thing. Tim and I are really unsure if we want kids. When we tell people that, as you can imagine, most people think we’ll change our minds, or one of us will talk the other into it, or we’re just saying that to get a rise out of people. Maybe people feel like they can offer up those opinions to us because of that key word in our mindset: “unsure.” We know we’re not ready yet, but we might be ready later, and we might not. We’re leaving the possibilities open.
Surprisingly, however, many more people than offer up those opinions offer up this one: “Shouldn’t you really know by now?” When I hear this one, I’m often taken aback and plagued with self-doubt. Am I supposed to know? Is there something wrong with not knowing? Is there something wrong with me that I’m a woman and babies don’t make my ovaries hurt with desire?
And then I’m plagued by more questions: Is the reason that we’ve added the caveat that we’re “unsure” because we don’t want to feel bad about not wanting babies? Are we feeling this societal pressure so much that we’re keeping our options open because we feel like we should? Should we just come right out and say it: “We don’t want kids!”?
After this onslaught of questions, I usually shake my head violently to clear it of all of these thoughts and then have a long discussion with Tim about it over lots of wine or beer which I can drink because I am not pregnant.
The fact of the matter is, for us (and I do mean us – Tim is actually more on board with the Just-The-Two-Of-Us thing than I am), there are many pros and cons to being parents. We would make really great parents, and our kids would be surrounded by extended family to love and spoil them. When I see Tim holding his baby cousin and running around chasing his under-teenage cousins, I know we would have a really good family. But I also know we have a really good family now, and that there might never come a point where just the two of us isn’t enough anymore. Or there might come a time when we want to share this love with mini-Ashleys and mini-Tims. Or the decision might, at some point, be made for us (you can’t plan everything, you know…).
So, we’re OK with the “maybe”s and the “unsure”s in our life right now, as far as babies go. We are definitely sure that we want to spend the next few years being together, taking trips, buying property, and sleeping through the night. We’re going to put the kid thing on the back-burner for now, and maybe deal with it when all of those other things are done. Just like we dealt with marriage after the degrees were gotten and the bars were went to and the singleness was old. We’re not going to condemn those who choose to have babies or who want them with all their hearts. In fact, we’re so happy for you, and we’d love to baby-sit your bundles of joy. We’re just not sure if we want our own just yet.
We pretty much towed the party line in life changes in our relationship: Get steady jobs, get married, look for a house (fail to do so because CA is still really expensive, but move to a 2 bedroom in a kid-friendly town), get pregnant.
That said, we didn’t realize we were doing this until it happened. We did what was right for us – including not being together permanently until nearly 12 years after we met so we could get grow up, get advanced degrees or be a touring musician, respectively. We also live in a small pocket of the country where this traditional route is unusual, so we didn’t have too much pressure – unless we left the bubble.
But, here is what I firmly believe: Do all you can not to listen to the peanut gallery. The rest of the world has no idea who you are and what your relationship is like, truly. Yes, its hard and annoying to hear it, but you know what? You really don’t need to know if you want to have kids or not right now. We knew we did, but waited two years after we were married to seriously consider the details of it. Why? Because marriage is awesome in and of itself. It deserves to be celebrated on its own if you want to do that.
Also, and this is just my two cents, we value our friends who choose not to have kids at all, or choose not to have kids right now. All those different relationships make our life more interesting – and practically they provide babysitters. Also? As a teacher, you kidn of already have kids. 🙂
From the little snippet of baby stuff you’ve posted on this blog, it seems that you and Tim and Jared and I share a lot of the same views, questions, and unsureness re: the whole having kids issue. It’s refreshing to know that I’m not the only “freak” whose, as you put it, ovaries aren’t aching.
Out of curiousity, does the fact that both of you are teachers play a small part in your unsureness? I ask because I know it does for Jared and me, and I was wondering if maybe another teacher couple felt similarly. The way we see it right now, we already nurture kids in our own ways. When we get home, we don’t want to do anymore taking care of kids. We want adult time.
You’re right: there’s a lot of disbelief that someone (especially a married woman in her late 20’s) would question wanting kids, but you and Tim aren’t alone and you aren’t wrong and you aren’t weird. And if you are…well, you’re still not alone because Jared and I are right there with you two 😉
Thank you for putting exactly what Joe and I have said to each other on here. We are unsure as well. (And I would agree Sarah, I think at least my apprehensiveness is in part due to being a teacher!) Just because we are married and in a house doesn’t mean we are “grown-ups” ready to have “kids.” Scary!
So, don’t feel alone. It is just like the peanut gallery you talked to when you were preparing for your wedding. Everyone has an opinion on those two major events in life.
Speaking of kids, I must now tend to our “kid” Bella (chocolate lab, 2 years old, 83 lbs.) who is currently snuggling with a blanket on the floor and staring up at me with the cutest puppy eyes. 🙂
Not sure if you’ll see this comment, but I just landed on your blog after reading the piece you wrote for Offbeat Home re: not buying a house.
My husband and I are in a very similar place when it comes to deciding whether to have/not having children. It’s definitely a confusing, culturally unsupported place to be — and I often wonder if we still say we’re “unsure” because we’re too afraid to admit that we don’t really want any of our own (despite adoring our nieces and nephews). Sometimes I wish I just KNEW one way or the other instead of being able to see both sides so clearly.
I enjoyed reading your thoughts on this topic! Will have to add your blog to my list of daily reads.
Hi Maggie! Thanks for stopping by, and I’m glad you found me.
Personally, as far as the kids thing goes, I think I’m just hoping that it’ll all sort itself out. I guess I just don’t want it to be a really huge decision that feels so… decisive. I just want to be open to changing my mind, you know? And I don’t want any pressure from anyone!
Anyway, I do hope you come back. I’ve subscribed to your blog, too!