Small Strokes Big Oaks

Some people here and there have been arguing recently that there are more important things that we feminists could be writing about than issues pertaining to relationships.  People are dying because of lack of access to health care, bullying, and discrimination.  Women are being told what they can and cannot do with their bodies.  Racism, homophobia, transphobia, fat shaming, street harassment, and all sorts of other bad attitudes are permeating our culture.  Women are pitting themselves against other women, not helping feminism at all.

So, I’d say, you’re partly right.  There are lots of other important things that we feminists could be writing about besides issues pertaining to relationships.

But, you know, you all seem to have those topics covered.  There seems to be nothing I can say about this myriad of issues that you all haven’t said more eloquently.  And, trust me, if there was something I had to say that seemed even remotely original, I’d write it.

You know what I haven’t seen so much of, though?  A theoretical and practical discussion about how men and women are to coexist in relationships with one another.  And not just men and women!  Feminists in any kind of relationships seem to struggle with the idea that, when you love someone and decide to share even part of your life with that person, there is inevitably some co-dependence and compromise.  As they say, inevitably someone has to do the laundry and cook the food.  You might even have to share bank accounts and buy furniture together. (Which is scarier?! I don’t know.)  With those shared responsibilities comes a merging of two individual lives, and this can cause the loss of some independence.

And us feminists like our independence, don’t we?

But we also seem to find ourselves in love from time to time, and with that love comes tension, arguments, agreement, middle ground, a different definition of equity and equality in our personal lives.  Hopefully, that love also comes with strength, cooperation, growth, collaboration, balance.

I think young feminists struggle with this more than we’d like to let on.  We’re unsure of how to maintain a relationship and our independence at the same time.  We’re freaked out by commitment because it inevitably means losing something of ourselves, even if it means we’re gaining something better.  Even in the most wonderful, equitable, balanced relationships, we’re still giving up other possibilities in our lives to be with this person, and that can be a terrifying thing.

Which is why I think it’s important to talk about these issues through a feminist lens.  I cannot tell you how many times people have e-mailed, tweeted, facebooked, or commented that they’re going through the exact same thing, and they’re so happy to hear that they’re not alone in trying to navigate their relationships as feminists.  I also think it’s important to have you share your own ideas about this instead of me just spouting out mine (although I do a fair amount of that, too) because, for as many feminists as are out there, there are as many ways to exist in relationships.

So, thank you so much for your kind words, e-mails, comments, and guest posts so far.  Keep it coming!  Please consider submitting a guest post if you haven’t already, or even if you have already and have something else to say!  Especially if you are in a kind of relationship that hasn’t been represented here yet.  Thank you, also, for reminding us all that there are many important facets of feminism and many important issues that still need to be dealt with.  While I will be continuing to explore relationships (and teaching, and a current event or piece of pop culture here and there) here, I’m glad there are other feminists out there talking about those other important issues.  Hopefully, together, we can use all our small strokes to collectively fell the big oaks of oppression.