It’s a long mess, but it works for us. People ask what our kids are supposed to do with this long mess of a last name when they get married, and I tell them they can do whatever they want, just like we did. When they start a family with a partner, they and their partner get to choose the family name.

Re: name combining–I think this is a really interesting idea, and yet still one I can’t get totally comfortable with…probably because I’m too into history and genealogical ties. Informally, Sam and I call ourselves the Welzillians (some of our friends do, too) and I love it (we also have declared that our cat’s last name) but even though it totally WORKS, I don’t think I could swallow making it my legal last name. I like to think this is how we’ll sign christmas cards and “we’re having a bbq” invites and such, but who knows.

Things are getting sticky now that we’ve started getting checks….most of them are made out to Sam and Becky Killian. At this point we don’t actually have a joint account, though that should/will change soon. My bank let me deposit a check made out to Rebecca Killian but wouldn’t let me get cash back on it. It was convenient that they let me, but I was surprised. Why should they? Rebecca Killian could be anyone! I’d like to just add “becky killian” as a name on my account…but can you have pseudonymns on your bank account?

Questions, questions, questions….

But even after agreeing to take his last name, I continued to insist to my guy that the whole “tradition” thing was a complete cop-out, as he kept using that as his main reason for not wanting me to change my name. It’s now two years later and my guy recently told me that he agreed with my arguments and that he understood if I wanted to keep my name. I don’t really care either way anymore (this is also for personal reasons regarding my current family situation).

I don’t like hyphens though. It’s messy and long and still has the “what will your kids be named?” problem. My absolute ideal would be if we made a name combining our last names, but he hates that idea and nothing really goes well together.

I’m still not sure what we’ll do, but I guess I have some time since we aren’t in any hurry to plan our wedding.

@Jeannie The fiance and I have tentatively decided that our possible future children will have his last name as their last name, but will have my last name as their middle name. Maybe that sounds weird… I don’t know.

@Melissa My dad (of course) supports me keeping my name (although he laughs at it a little in the “Ohhh Ashley…” sort of way) but he did say the most trouble I’d have would not be with kids but with people wondering whether or not we’re married. To that, I say… oh well. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

@Sara M. HEY!!! So good to hear from you again, and glad you’re enjoying the blog! What a great story you have! Thanks for sharing. People seriously ask you if you love your husband?! Wow…

@Becky I wondered about that in your ceremony when they announced you as Mr. and Mrs. Husband. It was kind of a nice way to present you two… I mean, what do you say if you aren’t changing your name? “For the first time as husband and wife _____ and ______?” I really loved your ceremony, though. SO beautiful! There was a lot in your ceremony that seemed to focus on partnership and equality and I really liked that (and I LOVED the minster! She was great!!). Oh, and you were so beautiful and looked so happy. I choked up a little bit, for real.

And everyone, please take note of Linda V.’s comment. That’s my mom right there, and that 23-year-old daughter she talks about… that was me. I’m so proud of my mom for everything. She’s handled everything with such grace and I hope I turn out like her. <3

OK, that was sappy. But true.

It wasn’t a big deal. It matters so much less than people think it does – when it comes to kids, anyways.

I had decided to change, mostly because it meant a lot to Sam….but as it became clear to him that my being willing to and my wanting to were not the same thing, he insisted there was no reason to rush the decision. At the wedding I talked to a cousin who got married over a year ago and is sort of in the same boat….uses her husband’s name and her own sort of interchangably, and has not legally changed her name…she keeps “putting it off” she says, and her husband doesn’t seem to mind. I fee like I’m going to wind up being in this boat, though I’d rather own the decision than back into it.

In the meantime, when the pastor had asked if I was taking his name (she didn’t assume that was the case) and at the time I was planning to…so she did the traditional “Mrs. and Mrs. Husband” presentation–as happy as I was at that moment, something about it stung, too, and I wished we had done that part differently. For me it’s not going to be an open-closed decision, I don’t think…seems like something I’ll continue to wrestle with.

I am surprised, though, that wedding vendors aren’t taking your last name down…from what I’ve learned, even if you are changing it, it’s typically done several weeks after the wedding–after the license has been filed–at which point, you’ll be done with them. Even if you WERE changing your name, the name they would be working with (and billing!) would be your maiden name. Weird.

Second, while I’ve been reading your blog ever since seeing it on Megan M.’s blogroll, I wanted to comment as this post absolutely resonated with me as I, too, didn’t change my name when I got married. The reason being? In my upbringing, name changing wasn’t the norm. Just as many women don’t question their name change because their mom did it, their grandma, their aunts, their sisters, etc., I always doubted I would because I didn’t grow up around women who changed their names. Every influential woman in my life had her maiden name. Now, I didn’t make a point of recognizing and thinking about these women’s names while growing up, but when I got engaged and had to start thinking about what to do about my name, the idea of changing it made me a bit sick in the stomach. Of course, I looked back to all those women from my childhood, realized they didn’t change their names, saw it wasn’t a big deal, and knew that it didn’t make them less of a wife, I decided that I would follow their example. Oh, and when my work study boss told me how she spent almost her entire honeymoon crying because she changed her name, and I instantly imagined myself doing the same, there was not a doubt in my mind that I would never change my name

So, when people ask me about my name and I have to explain that this IS my maiden name, no I did not change it, yes I do love my husband (seriously, people have said it), I always like to add that while the greater society expects women to change their names (despite it being 2009…), MY small society/upbringing never did.