Feminism and Relationships
In class the other night, I was talking to a few of my other women classmates and they were asking me a bit about my papers (good wife and literacy) for both classes, since both of them have to do with feminism. Somehow, probably since they know I am in a relationship, the question came up about whether or not feminism is either contrary to having a relationship or if it makes having a relationship more difficult.
In my case, currently, my feminist status is actually attractive to my boyfriend. Admittedly, he did have an issue with the fact that I will not change my name when I get married, but that was very early on in the relationship and we have since discussed the issue and came to a resolution (which is that I will not change my name. 
This, in my opinion, is a sign in and of itself that we will have a successful relationship – not because he “lets” me do whatever I want, but because he respects the things that mean a lot to me.) Other than that, he likes my independence and he always participates actively in discussions I have with him about feminism, usually saying things like “Wow, I never knew it was so hard for women…” He respects me, and he respects all women. So, honestly, now my feminism does not interfere with my relationship. In fact, it makes the relationship better.
I cannot say that has been the case throughout my whole dating experience, however. There have been plenty of times that I’ve told a man that he needed to stop treating me like a little girl who needed his constant protection, that I wouldn’t change my name when I got married, or that I consider myself a feminist. My saying these things has caused many a man to flee. Even some that I thought I could marry couldn’t – or refused to – understand my feminism, and it was a surprise to find that out every time.
So, I wonder, does the way feminism works into a relationship depend on how the man understands or reacts to it? Does it depend on the way the woman presents it? Is it something else?
Has your status as a feminist ever gotten in the way of your relationships? If you are in a successful relationship after several failed ones, what changed?
I’m excited to hear your stories.
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“So, I wonder, does the way feminism works into a relationship depend on how the man understands or reacts to it? Does it depend on the way the woman presents it?”
I hate to go and say it’s all the man’s fault, but… I think part of it depends on how the woman presents it, but a woman should not have to compromise on her beliefs to be in a relationship. I feel as if a man is really “worth it,” he will understand and encourage your feminism, but doesn’t necessarily have to define himself as a feminist.
I feel as if (and this comes from personal experience, not a general understanding) a lot of men that I know are all for gender equality and feminism in society in general, but when it comes to personal relationships, they get freaked out by being challenged or feel threatened by the potential of an equal relationship.
I was listening to a newly-divorced male DJ on the radio talk about how much more expensive dating is at age 39 than when he last dated at age 24.
He can’t just take a woman to a local concert and a pub–it’s got to be a fancy dinner.
This made me think that some women do stuff on dates that men could never get away with…like just eating a salad because they’re “not hungry” or automatically expecting the man to pay.
Just a thought.
I can’t speak to the relationship issue because I haven’t been in one in a long, long time. I don’t think I could date a guy that wasn’t pro-feminist or at least open-minded, though. Life is too short.
“…but a woman should not have to compromise on her beliefs to be in a relationship.”
If that’s true, then a man should also not have to compromise his. I know it’s cliche, but I truly believe a successful relationship is about give and take, as well as finding someone whose beliefs mesh well with yours. Maybe feminism doesn’t interfere with relationships at all; maybe it’s just finding the right guy.
From my personal experience (at which I hinted in this post): My boyfriend would not consider himself a feminist… well, maybe he would now after frequent talks with me. But he does believe in equal rights and he respects me and what I want. Have we compromised? Yes, of course. Have I given up my core belief that everyone is equal, no. And he agrees with me. We might use different terms to describe our beliefs (i.e. feminism vs. equal rights) or we might disagree on venues to express these beliefs, but our core principles are the same. Maybe that is what a successful relationship needs…
I think that is an huge generalization that this DJ made about women in general. First, I have found that, as I get older, I do like nicer, more sophisticated dates. Second, it depends on the woman, and maybe he isn’t meeting the right kind for him. Although I do like more sophisticated dates, I do still enjoy a good local concert. But, then again, I’m 25, so I guess I can’t say how I’ll be when I’m 39.
I wonder, though, what gender roles and how they play out on dates has to do with feminism and relationships. There is an interesting link there, I’m sure, but it might take further discussion to glean that information out.